True Peace

It's 2025. A whole new year! 

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, it's pitch dark outside, and I've got practically every window and external door open, to cool the place down. Earlier, I was posting on Facebook, and I put on a YouTube video of calming rain sounds - something I often do when I want to focus, but my mind wanders too much. I actually do it before I fall asleep sometimes. But now, the rain sounds feel intrusive, so I'll switch off the video and type in silence. I think the action of typing  calms me down enough, and focuses me. I write, therefore I am.    

I have three days left of my glorious four-week summer holiday, and I feel a huge sense of satisfaction, because I got through almost everything on my list, and I managed to do fun things that fed my soul. I also feel good, because I managed to pace myself, alternating busy/people days with being alone. Being alone fuels me. Being single means I don't need to justify that anymore - I can simply be who I am. It may sound selfish, but I think I've spent most of my life putting everyone else's needs before my own, and now it's time for me. I think a lot of women in their sixties feel this way. 

There are three more friends I was hoping to see before going back to school, and I'll probably get to see only one. The others I'll arrange to see over a weekend, once school has resumed.

It sounds like it's actually started to rain! That should cool things down nicely. 

I popped in at school today, to see the classroom I'd been allocated for the year. Last year, I didn't have a classroom, so I was a 'roaming' teacher, walking from class to class. I'm excited for the school year ahead, and want to keep learning, to add value to the kids and to the school. 

As I contemplate the year ahead, I'm more aware than ever that life can take one by surprise. You can start the year thinking you're going to achieve X, Y and Z, but  things crop up that shift your attention and energy completely. 

Here are some of the most important lessons I learnt (or re-learnt) last year:

- When someone shows you their true colours, believe what you're seeing. 

- In most situations in life, I have a choice. 

- No matter what life throws at me, there's always some way in which I can be true to myself.  I may not be able to walk away from the situation, but I can refuse to compromise my principles.     

- The cliché that's absolutely true: When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  

- The universe will always send me kindred spirits, wherever I am. 

-The universe will always send me music, which is the magic I need every single day. (One of the music rooms at school is adjacent to the staffroom, and it's the most wonderful feeling to be sitting there during a free period, listening to the kids/teachers playing anything from classical to jazz.)  

- And lastly: the person I can rely on 100% is myself.  

This holiday has reminded me about something else, which my children also pointed out: when I'm left to my own devices, and am in control of my own time, I am capable of achieving everything I say I will. These four weeks came after  one of the most intense years I've had in a while. But more than that, the year itself came after an extensive period of struggling financially. So the four-week holiday felt like the first proper holiday I'd had in a while. 

                                                   Some of my sweet Christmas presents. 

Yes. I'm really happy that I was able to spend time with my family and some friends, and also enjoy solo time. I'm happy that I got to do things that will make 2025 easier. Rearranging my living space will impact positively on my workflow, this year. I bring a lot of schoolwork home, and my space just wasn't working for me.  This year will be different.  

To anyone reading this, I wish you a very good 2025. 

May the horrors taking place around the world come to an end, and may peace prevail. True peace.    

                              The half moon, seen from outside my flatlet, on 8 January 2025.

More 2024 reflection

It's Monday, 30 December, and today has been a rainy day. I was going to do a forest walk with a friend, but decided against it when the weather became wet and unpleasant. As a dog owner who walks her dog twice daily, she wasn't letting the weather deter her, though.

I'm just over halfway into my 4-week school holiday, and it's been a really good break, thus far. Around the "Big Days", I spent quality time with family and a few friends. I do have a list, though, so there are still a few more I plan to hang out with before the school year starts. I am not a big-group person, so seeing my friends in small gatherings is what I prefer - we get to talk and really listen, catching up with each other's lives. For teachers at public schools, school reopens on Monday 13 January, which is in two weeks' time. All I can do to quell the niggling sadness about the dwindling holiday is be true to myself, away from my job responsibilities. That means finding the right balance between alone time and seeing people. 

I bought a set of my favourite guitar strings, so I do actually need to restring my guitar. There are a few domestic chores I still want to do before returning to school, and I know I will. Getting certain tasks done during the school term is just too unrealistic. If I've learnt anything this year, it's that Time and Energy, two of my most valuable resources, have to be expended judiciously. The alternative is weeks and weeks of feeling out of sync with myself, which negatively impacts on every part of my life.

I keep coming back to trying to focus on what the biggest deals were for me, in 2024. Everytime I think there were three, then I think of a fourth, etc. 

I may have written this in my previous post, but I think the most radical changes in my life in 2024 happened on the inside. Yes, I do believe that "our inner and outer worlds are connected" (one of the Six Laws of the Mind, according to Mind Power), but I've also discovered that some of our biggest victories aren't always seen by anyone else - we're often the only ones aware of that victory.  I've also come to appreciate that some of our inner changes start to manifest outwardly only after a period of time, when circumstances elicit them.  For example, you're in a situation of conflict, and you take a bold step that you've never taken before. You know that, but the others involved don't necessarily know that you've stepped up in a big way, breaking a previous pattern. Another example is someone suggesting something which you think is unrealistic, but, for all the right reasons, you go out of your way to make it happen. To the observer, you're seen as just that type of person, but you know what it cost you, personally, to achieve that end result. 

My biggest change, this year, was a very visible one - I moved house during the June school holidays. I've written about this extensively, I think. For six months, covering two hectic school terms, I stumbled around in limited space, banging my knees, tripping over boxes, and feeling a general sense of 'disgruntledness' in my new space, knowing things couldn't go on that way. And then the December school holidays started, all external pressure was off, and I redesigned my space, making it MUCH more pleasant to be in. In the first few days of the holiday, I  got rid of things, packed others away, organised my cupboards, and gave myself another new beginning - an improvement on the one I'd given myself in June.  Maybe I'll give my life a bit of a shake-up every six months? Now there's a thought.   

Another important change in my life, this year, was paying my final installment on my car, after years and years!  That enabled me to reallocate resources, which made a big difference to the path that I'm on towards being debt-free. I achieved it before, and I'll do so again. 

While my music life took a bit of a backseat, I managed to do a coupe of performances every now and then, write a few monthly songs for my niece's baby, in the first year of his life, and be interviewed on radio recently.  Soon I'll be interviewed on someone's podcast, which I'm very excited about. She's a wonderful, vibrant loose cannon, so I have no idea what to expect! :-)  Tucked in between all the things in my life that I plan, structure and customise, that podcast is exactly what I need! Watch this space! 

I think this year showed me how quickly a year can go by. The four school terms, roughly eleven weeks each, whizzed by like lightning. You teach for a few weeks, do a few small assessments, and then suddenly you're setting the quarterly exam. That's followed by exam time  (and invigilating, which is very hard for a busy bee like me) and my least favourite part of teaching: marking! Oh my word! I wish I could outsource that! I love teaching, I love engaging with the students, but the marking.....! Hours and hours of sitting still and marking similar responses to the same questions, over and over and over again. I have an unapologetically creative brain, which craves - and thrives on - change and newness. Marking is like the universe punishing me for all the things I've ever done wrong in my 63 years on this earth.  The only thing that gets me through marking, besides listening to music I love, and eating loads of  snacks, is the knowledge that if I just KEEP marking, it WILL come to an end! It's insane! I seriously don't understand why, in 2024, we're not marking electronically. The wheels of change move very slowly. 

This year reminded me that there's always something to learn, including about myself. 

This year taught me, all over again, the importance of friends. 

This year brought me full circle to the truth that when I rely on myself, I get things done.

This year showed me that not everyone operates with integrity, but that that's their journey; I simply need to remain anchored in truth. 

This year brought beautiful new friends into my orbit, and I cherish these friendships.  

Mostly, this year has taught me to pace myself. When I think about returning to my high school job in 2025, I feel much more prepared, because I now know what a year at school feels like, in the mid-2020s.  Some people say, especially to busy, creative and ambitious women, "You can't do/have it all". I disagree. You can. You just have to pace yourself  and work judiciously with your time and energy. Sometimes it does mean putting something you love aside, for a while. But it doesn't mean that you can't return to it once the immediate pressure's off. Occasionally it means rallying a team, to achieve things as part of a collective, which is not a bad lesson at all. 

Yep - that's what 2024 taught me, more than anything else: to pace myself.

  

Reflecting on 2024

It's 10 days before the end of the year. I've been contemplating this reflection for a while, but once again, I don't know where to start. 2024 - Woah!! Shoo! 

There are a few big things that happened, to make 2024 stand out for me, but I think the most significant parts of this year happened internally - awarenesses gained, lessons learnt, patterns broken and new practices started. Would I call it a successful year? It depends on the criteria.  

So, here goes - my immediate thoughts about 2024.

1. EMPLOYMENT

I had full-time employment for the entire year, which was a blessing after what had happened in 2023. In case you don't know my story, I was employed by College of Cape Town for the first 6 months of 2023, but was not paid for that entire period. Every month we taught (adults doing matric), submitted our time sheets, and believed the matter was being addressed.  Why did we keep on teaching? Our students had paid, and we were preparing them for their mid-year matric exams, which would have significant consequences in their lives. Also, we were working through the desired channels to try to sort it out, not knowing we'd be stonewalled and still be waiting more than a year later. The ramifications of that situation informed the choices I made in 2024 (more about that later), and I'm sad to say that that matter has not yet been resolved: seven educators are still awaiting payment of tens of thousands of rand for teaching from January to June 2023.  

I've been thinking: surely College of Cape Town has to undergo an annual financial audit, to continue to function as a legitimate entity? How do you pass such an audit if you haven't paid your staff?  

Another BIG question, to which no-one at Head Office had the decency to reply, is this: If the programme we taught was self-funding, meaning our salaries came from fees paid by the students we taught, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MONEY THE +- 300 STUDENTS PAID? How can a college RUN a programme, and not be held ACCOUNTABLE for the rands and cents of that programme? The lack of morality shocks me. But, as long as the leadership does not have to answer for its actions, this corruption will continue. It will end, though. 

Anyway, I digress. The point was that I had full-time employment for the entire year, for which I am grateful. There is something honourable about delivering a service (in my case, teaching) and being paid for it, as per the contract. It's a dignified, honourable thing, giving you a sense of security, and enabling you to plan your life. It's an arrangement of mutual respect, and of integrity. HEAR THAT, COLLEGE OF CAPE TOWN? INTEGRITY! 

2. A FULL YEAR AT HIGH SCHOOL

Being employed is one thing. Being back in the high school system is quite another!  I last taught at a high school in 2012! Looking back at the year, I can now see that I needed this year to orientate myself back into the ins and outs of high school teaching. A lot has changed, and a lot has not. The bottom line is that people are people. Teenagers who were born in the 2000s - some as recently as 2010 - are still teens, going through the same developmental stages we went through. I had the privilege of teaching English - my favourite subject - as well as Life Orientation, a subject I grew to enjoy.  

Teaching a total of ten classes, without having my own classroom, was a baptism of fire, but I survived. Proposed changes in the year ahead suggest that I will have a very different experience in 2025. Time will tell.

I am lucky to be teaching at a well-organised school, with principled, competent leadership providing the necessary structures and resources for the smooth functioning of the day-to-day activities.  The children are interesting, and I think I found a way to fit in on the staff (as one of the newbies). 

I could honestly write a book about this year at school, but the purpose of this blog post is to give a broad overview of the year. It was a challenging year, in some respects, and sometimes I doubted I would make it. I had to learn MANY lessons, in order to acclimate and pace myself.

3. FRIENDSHIPS

I am a loner, and I thrive when left to my own devices. I've always known that, but haven't always felt free to say it out loud. Now I know it's not a negative thing - it's just a personality type. But this year taught me (again) that I also have a need for good friends. In my personal life, I enjoyed my old and newish friendships, completely comfortable with the fact that my friends aren't necessarily each other's friends. It was the friendships I formed at school that were a pleasant surprise. When you see people every day, and go through various experiences (deadlines!!) with them, you're bound to form bonds. I found myself connecting with people I sat close to in the staffroom, as well as colleagues in the two departments in which I taught. But beyond that, I just found that there were really cool people at the school, most of whom encouraged and inspired me, answered my many questions, and were just nice to work with. I enjoyed doing little collaborative things with colleagues, whenever possible, because I inevitably got to know them better, which made school a really pleasant place to go to every day.  

In my personal life, friendships evolved, and I feel incredibly blessed to have a small, interesting circle of people in my life who add so much colour, texture and nuance to my sometimes-monochromatic world. 

3. MOVING HOUSE

(I'm tired, now, and losing focus. A few external distractions have pulled my attention from my writing, and I feel like the cloud of magic I need in order to write is evaporating.)

In June, I moved house - a life-altering step. My daughter had moved out in November, which left me living alone in a 3-bedroomed house. People suggested I share the space, but that was the last thing I wanted. My home is my sanctuary, and I wasn't ready to give up my privacy by sharing the house I'd lived in with my family for 27 years. I looked around for a two-bedroomed place to rent, but nothing I looked at fulfilled all my requirements. In the end, I moved into the granny flat on the same premises. It was a massive change, because my new space consisted of a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom - no lounge, and no study/spare room for my many, many things related to my teaching, my music, my crafting and my tutoring (which I still do, part-time).  I did whatever was required (sold, gave away and stored stuff), and started my new life. 

Six months later, in fact two days ago, I reorganised my space which had just not been working for me, and NOW I finally feel comfortable. I still have things in storage, and I have to deal with what comes next - do I move again soon, or should I get rid of things?  So, how does all of this this relate to what happened with College of Cape Town? In the six months that I was not paid, I ran into debt, as I was not able to honour my commitments without an income. Moving into a much smaller place freed up some income, enabling me to get on top of my debt. Yup - and this is the sanitised version of how that experience messed up our lives.  The struggle continues. 

I'm tired. I'll write soon. 

The bottom line is that, in most respects, 2024 was better than 2023, and I firmly believe that 2025 will be even better.  

And life goes on.    

                                    With my children, at Clay Café in Hout Bay, in November. 

  

A seven-day patchwork quilt

Yesterday, I didn't know how to handle the end of October heat. Then last night, it stormed, and I needed another blanket on my bed. This is Cape Town - even though I've lived here most of my life, I'm still fascinated by the sudden changes in weather. Yesterday, I planned what I would wear to a gig today, and last night I realised that Plan B might be needed. 

I say 'sudden', but the truth is we have weather forecasts that give us adequate warning. We just find ourselves believing,  despite all the evidence to the contrary, that 'the weather man' may have got it wrong this time. Weird how we still say 'the weather 'man',  despite many women working in that field. Patriarchal language patterns.  

I read my previous post, a few minutes ago, and I'm glad I did. Something happened this week that was the equivalent of a slap in the face with a wet cloth, but when I zoom out of the particulars of that one tiny pocket of my life, all I'm left with is gratitude - deep, perspective-filled gratitude. Something no-one can take away from me. No matter what, I still have the capacity to step back from the minutiae, take a philosophical view of things, process my emotions through journalling, learn the lesson, and feel excited about life and what lies ahead, including the unknown. I think that's how I've got through the things I have. I'm irrepressible. I'm that cork that just won't sink to the bottom of the glass of water. You may press it down temporarily, but as soon as you release the pressure, it pops right up to the surface. I'm basically a child, but with 63 years of perspective.  

I know for a fact, though, that I would function more effectively, and feel less rushed, if I had a day to myself after each day. My life would consist of one day of normal life, followed by one day of me on my own, choosing to fill my hours with whatever made my soul do cartwheels of joy. Yes - I think that's my ideal. Of course, I'd like to have cartwheels of joy 24/7.... or, maybe not. Sameness of any kind soon bores me. What I would absolutely LOVE is 24/7 of choosing, though. Yes - it's the times of my life where I get to choose, and not simply follow orders, or try to convince my rainbow palette that monochrome is not that bad, that I feel my spirit glowing. Right now, the ratio of glow to no-glow is not good. But this has been my challenge for a long time. I don't even know if I want to believe in reincarnation, because the thought of coming back and struggling through another lifetime just wears me out. Maybe one life is enough, and the special assignment is to make it really count.    

This week was a seven-day patchwork quilt. On Sunday my son visited me, with lunch that he had cooked especially for us. We spent a few hours together, talking about lots of things, including my eventual retirement - at this stage, still a few years off. That was really wholesome, and I appreciated his maturity on the matter. Both my children are deep thinkers, gifted with many things, including acute perception, compassion, and the ability to communicate sensitively and appropriately. I was happy to have begun that important discussion, and I'm proud that this generation is comfortable with having the hard conversations, and approaching the less glamorous side of life with a practicality that cuts out the drama. When an older person's health changes suddenly, and you haven't prepared as a family, it can go horribly wrong, with misunderstandings and the blame game ruining relationships. 

Things at school are intense, as November exams start soon, so we're all finalising question papers and memos, and making sure all the relevant boxes are ticked.  That's the easy part. The people issues are the hard part - the part I often wish I could avoid. But this is life - unless you're a hermit, you're going to have to deal with the messiness of inter-personal relationships. If you're in a social setting, you can't avoid it. In my personal life, I have a small, carefully selected group of people with whom I sometimes spend my discretionary time. They know, and completely understand, that I often prefer solitude. They also know that when we do spend time together, it's good. We don't pressurise each other, we communicate with honesty, respect and integrity, and we know we can depend on each other 100%. I am DEEPLY grateful to have friends like them. I don't take them for granted. But that's in my personal life. Thank God I have a life outside of my job!      

On Thursday evening, I had a rehearsal with guitarist Rudy Burns, for a gig we're doing today. A 70th birthday party. Oh, wow! Playing and singing beautiful songs for hours.... let's just say it more than balanced out the unpleasant energies of the week. It reminded me who I was. Everything else becomes peripheral. After blogging, I'm going to start getting ready. I like to take my time and ease into the head and heart space of being a performer. As a child, I'd watch my mom get ready for her performances, and I loved how she'd let me play with her costume jewelry, some of which had belonged to her mother. I remember the smell of her skin lotion - Oil of Olay - as well as the hairspray. I loved watching her transformation, as she changed from Mummy to May Abrahamse, the opera singer.    

On Wednesday, after the ugly incident at work, I needed to do something physical to work through my emotions, so I washed my car! I hadn't washed it since I moved house, in June!!! It looked great, but the inside was a mess. I wasn't angry enough to be a martyr, though, so the next day I got someone to clean it for me. I now have a clean car, inside and out, and it feels good. (I couldn't find the new chamois I'd bought, on the day I washed my car, but I found it yesterday when looking for something else! )

On Friday, our Stitch Club at school (in existence since Term 2) had its final meeting for the year. We had a little party, which magically included some unexpected live music! Made my day! If I'm still at that school next year, I have some plans for the club. If not, I hope someone else keeps it going. The kids (and I) loved our weekly gatherings, where we could escape the frenzy of school life, and just quietly play with yarn, learning basic techniques, and creating little items. It was a particular highlight for me - Stitch Club. I'm super proud of the kids who turned out to be the regulars, pitching up with their good energy and their big, bright smiles, week after week.

I stayed late after school, on a few days, which impacted my evenings, but it's that time of year, as I said. On Friday, though, I came straight home, exhausted and in much need of solitude. I enjoyed a relaxing evening, which filled my tanks a bit. Yesterday was a day of housework, with schoolwork taking up my evening. I find it difficult to focus in the heat of the day, so evenings work better for me.   

Which brings me to today - the storm has abated, the sun's out, and I can see some patches of blue sky. It's not a warm day, though, and I suspect it might rain again, so I'll see what ye olde wardrobe yields. 

This afternoon, I will enjoy singing and playing my guitar, alongside one of the best guitarists I know - someone with loads of experience, a huge repertoire across genres, and a level of mastery that leaves me speechless. What a privilege to make music with him. I will appreciate the blessing of being able to add to the birthday celebration of someone who's reached the milestone of 70 years. This family has hired our duo twice before, so it's extra special; they know us, and they chose us again. It's a good feeling. I'm really excited. The demands of my day job have left me with very little time to immerse myself in music, like I used to before. But the tide seems to be turning. Next week, I have two events at which I'm doing a few items. Thank you, universe. 

I have so much to look forward to.  And yes, I sometimes end sentences with prepositions. It's how I  rebel. :-)  

                    I took this from the driveway at home, on 13 October 2024. I love moody skies. 
   

Gratitude - 26 Sept 2024

Right now, I want to write about how deeply grateful I am. Sometimes, because life often keeps one focussed on what's not going well, I need to remind myself to spend a few moments allowing feelings of gratitude to flood my being. A ritual I started, a few months ago, was setting a daily alarm for 11:11,  as a reminder to have a short gratitude session. 

It started when I realised that my attention was coincidentally being drawn to my phone at 11:11 for a few days in a row. I'd heard that it was a special number, so seeing it always made me smile. On days it didn't happen, I was really disappointed. I decided that, instead of hoping I'd see it, I would make sure I did, by setting an alarm. And this is what I do every day. Sometimes I'm teaching when it goes off. While I'm switching it off, I mentally go through  a few things I'm grateful for. I've told my students about it.    

I won't lie - at the start of this short school holiday, I was filled with the physical and psychological tension of the previous term, and feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. Bear in mind that I'm working in a system I last worked in twelve years ago. Since then, I've lectured in the college sector, worked in the corporate sector, done some research for an NPO, and taught matric English to adults. 

But here I am -  teaching at a high school once again.  

I am grateful that I have a job, and all that it makes possible. It's at a well-run school, close to where I live, it's in my field of qualification, and I'm teaching two subjects I thoroughly enjoy. I have some really cool colleagues, and I enjoy my time with the children - in both groups, I have encountered amazing people who've added something to my life, in one way or another. Unlike at some places where I've worked, this school's salary payment system is reliable, which gives me stability and peace of mind, enabling me to plan my budget and honour my commitments.   

I'm grateful for my family: my mom, my children and their partners, my sister and her family, and all my cousins and second cousins, near and far.  My children, now adults, are the most precious people in my life. I regard them as a blessing, and give thanks for them every day.  

I'm grateful for my friends - some I see often, many I don't. Some I'm in regular contact with, and others, not. I have a handful of close friends who know what's happening in my life, and who're there for me, in my corner. I love them and am very lucky to have them in my life. 

I'm grateful for my home. It's tiny, it's been my home for only three months, I couldn't fit all my things in here, but it's home. I can close my door and have the privacy and solitude I so enjoy. There's a garden outside, with trees, which gives me a sense of calm and peace.     

I'm grateful for my car, which I've had for eight years; it affords me my freedom and my independence.  

I'm grateful for so many things - being able to play a guitar and write and sing songs, being able to knit and crochet, creating all kinds of pretty and functional things. I'm extremely grateful for my health and the things it makes possible.

I'm grateful that I never give up. I'm grateful that meditation gives me a sense of perspective on my life, with the clarity and patience I need, when I need them most.  

I'm grateful that, when life sends me yet another difficult set of circumstances, I'm able to draw on my previous experiences and somehow manage to wade through the tough parts and survive.

I'm grateful that I've reached a level of maturity where I know for sure that life is not a competition, and that all I need to be is myself, regardless of who does or does not like me. I'm grateful that deep down I know I'll be okay, no matter what.  

I'm grateful for choices I've made, and for my current lifestyle, While it may be simple and frugal, without the trappings people might expect me to have,  I actually have everything I need. 

For all of the above, and so much more, I can only be absolutely and utterly grateful.  

  

The lull after the storm - Sept 2024

There is a period during every school term that is so stressful, I fear I might collapse from exhaustion – the weeks we spend marking the term’s assessments.  Fortunately, the term has ended and we're on a much-needed break. As usual, I have a list of what I want to achieve during this holiday, but, given that it's just ten days long, I'll keep an open mind.  

Stepping back and looking at my current lifestyle, I have to be honest - that much-desired balance, which I've sometimes come fairly close to attaining, is nowhere in sight. My job has taken over my life, and I've had to relegate what makes me happy to the sidelines. I seldom have the time or energy to pursue my hobbies. Only I know whether this is sustainable or not. Only I can decide on the nature of the changes I need. I'll use this short break to process things and commit to a course of action. One way or the other, something’s got to change.

Speaking of change, I've been living in my flatlet for three months, now.  Some things have worked out well, and others not. On the one hand, my landlord has made some changes, to make the space more efficient, which I really appreciate. On the other, my fibre company no longer offered my original package, so I'm paying more than I used to. For now, I’ll leave things as they are. When I get my next wave of energy to tackle non-urgent things, I’ll attend to that matter. 

I've realised that one of my coping mechanisms is to deal with urgent matters, and to keep lists of the other things, with a view to getting around to them when I can. And I find myself getting really annoyed with people who press me for things that are not urgent. I will get around to those when I can.  

I also find that my methodical way of doing things generally takes longer than the time allocated, and I’m constantly running out of time. I’m a process person, and not a rush-to-the-finish-line person, and the world shouts at me to be the latter. In order to cope, I constantly re-evaluate choices that don’t work out, and try new ways of doing things. Right now, I’m doing what feels like the most workable for me. I sometimes get criticised for my methods, but quite honestly, when I get advice from someone whose own methods don’t inspire me, I simply stick to my own.

At some stage, I had a work-play balance that satisfied me. Having personal time outside of my work time - to be with my family, to crochet, play music, dance, and occasionally see a friend socially – gave me a sense of “all’s right with my world”.  As a creative person, that fuels me. I need discretionary time, in which to make authentic choices. The more discretionary time I have, the higher my level of creative output. The more time I spend plodding through externally imposed responsibilities, the less creative I am, the less I feel like myself, and the less effective I am at everything I do.

So, as I spend the second day of my holiday catching up with housework, as well as finally getting down to crocheting (I’ve missed it!!!!), I already know that these ten days are going to fly by, and that I need to prioritise what’s important to me. I have a few unfinished craft projects to attend to, and I actually want to reorganise the furniture in my flatlet – something’s still not working. It’s only during a school break that I can do justice to this type of thing.

Music

I’ve done a few once-off performances, recently – at a panel discussion on our new government’s gender policies, and at a screening of a short documentary on forced removals in Cape Town, which was a District Six Museum initiative.  

The music season has started, and I have two definite gigs booked. I really miss being musically active. There were some years I did over 50 gigs.      

A few days ago, after all my marking was done, I got involved in a short-term music project which I was invited to. I’m not allowed to give details yet, but I will do in future. Really exciting. Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Nature

As our seasons change from the starkness of winter to the softness and colourfulness of spring, there’s so much to photograph. I’ll take pics whenever possible. Nature is, as usual, one of my biggest sources of inspiration.

The other day, someone sent me an article entitled, Nature is not God. I didn’t read it. I’m not interested in religious views that focus on the one-upmanship of who’s going to heaven and who’s not, by virtue of the randomness of the family you’re born into. In fact, I strongly reject that. I’m also sick of the inherent Islamophobia that is part of that package. If you don’t see yourself as part of humankind, but a privileged sub-sector destined for an after-life promised to a select few, we definitely don't have the same view of spirituality. Different WhatsApp group.   

When I think of how much of this blog post I ended up censoring, I can see I'm not the Trudy I want to be, right now.   

Time will tell. 

Downsizing

On Monday 17 June, the day after my last blog post, my daughter came over and helped me pack up my bedroom - in which I'd been sleeping for just over 27 years - leaving only my bed and a few items I'd need overnight. That night, I slept in my bedroom for the last time. The next day, with the help of someone else, I moved my bed to the granny flat on the same premises, which is my new home. I moved from a three-bedroom house to a flatlet with one bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom.  

Because I was moving to such a small space (hadn't found what I was looking for, within my budget), I'd planned to rent an Airbnb one weekend a month, so that I could still spend time with my mom, but shortly after I moved, my sister (who takes care of my mom) told me that my mom's days of sleeping away from home were over. It was a change that I had not seen coming, and it hit me hard. Driving home, after hearing the news, I bawled my eyes out. It felt unreal that my last weekend with my mom had in fact been my last weekend with her. No more weekends with my mom. 

Sometimes, the pain I experience from certain energies feels like it will literally break my heart, but I remind myself that I've overcome things before and that I will be okay. I have to focus on what's within my control. Compartmentalising has always helped me, so that's what I did, and will continue to do. It's a coping mechanism. We all have our ways.

I packed up most of the house on my own. On two days, I had different pairs of men help me move furniture and boxes. Unpacking cupboards, some of which I hadn't opened in years, was intense! I was proud of myself for finally getting rid of essays I'd done while at university, decades ago. Oh, and also my children's laminated kindergarten paintings and drawings!  And so much more!

My challenge now is to keep the place clutter-free. Right now, it's about 90% organised, and I'll keep doing little bits whenever I can, until it looks like I want it to.  Items in both the bedroom and the kitchen are taking up floor space, and I look forward to having them packed or given away. I got rid of some furniture and other items along the way, which was a relief. Still have a few more to sell or give away.

So now that I've been sleeping here for five weeks, how do I feel? I feel good. My daughter moved out in November last year, so I'd been living alone for eight months. While it was my familiar space, the longer I lived there on my own, the clearer it became that it was too big for me, and that the time to move had arrived.    

                                                                                                                 

My goals for moving were to downsize my life, including my expenditure. I'd also been thinking that, if I didn't get rid of all the unnecessary items, I'd be leaving that awful job for my children, when I died. 

During the move, which took me two weeks, I'd send updates - including photos - to my close friends. Those pics now tell the story of my move.

It was interesting how many people pointed out to me where moving home featured on the list of major life stressors for adults.  Believe me, I knew! I was living it!

Every now and then, I'd lose motivation and feel really sorry for myself. My adult children were working, and weren't able to be around as much as we'd thought, initially.  I'd feel so overwhelmed, that I couldn't think properly! I actually needed a second person around to help me think! I got tired of deciding on the fate of various items on my own. I wanted someone to help me decide - someone less emotionally attached to items in the house. One day I sent a message to my children, reaching out because it had all become too much. In the weeks preceding the move, I'd been dealing with work-related stress, and on some days moving felt like the last straw. The day I sent the message, my daughter-in-law called me and we had a good chat. I felt so much better afterwards - less overwhelmed. My daughter kept track of how the move was going, and I made sure I stayed in touch with both kids.

I also have a few close friends who messaged me regularly to find out how I was coping. One of my cousins, who lives abroad, also wanted regular updates. Their messages meant a lot to me. Moving house is not a one-person thing. You actually need a team. 

So here I am. I can feel a distinct energy shift. A good shift. Making a move this big is life-altering. I believe that, when you eventually make a change you've been postponing for ages, it becomes a catalyst for other changes. You perceive yourself differently, and you look at life differently.  I feel different. 

There are obvious adjustments, like having a lot less space in which to move around and put my things, but also a new awareness of habits and behaviours I need to adopt, to make small-space living work. The most important one is that I can't be untidy. Everything has to go into its designated place, or the place looks messy and I might actually trip over things. Ask me how I found this out! :-)

Generally, I'm settled in, but am still figuring out clever ways to maximise my space. A very interesting experience. Loads of ideas online. Right now, I'm going to stay here and call this home. I don't know what the future holds. Once my employment situation for 2025 is clear, I'll review. What I do know is that, as long as I'm teaching, I can move only during a school holiday, and preferably not a short one. Which means June or December. Moving during winter isn't good for me, I discovered. I don't feel at my best during the cold months, so I'd rather move during summer, given the choice.  We'll see. We'll see.     

We seem to be having one of the most severe winters ever, which is adding to my restlessness. I want warmth, I want sunshine, I want my laundry to get dry on the same day I hang it on the line! 

It's been a lot. Life moves so fast, that I often don't get to catch my breath between big energy impacts or shifts. I need that - more and more. I need life to slow down. 

I've resumed some of my daily habits that I'd started neglecting, around the time my marking load took over my life. That was in May. It's almost August. 

Waiting for that dull moment. 

                        The kitchen of my new place, with a guava tree right outside the window. //July 2024