The space dilemma

This evening I read a blog post by British actor and writer, Stephen Fry, which affected me deeply. In it, he writes about how touched he was by the outpouring of love and support from people after his suicide attempt. His writing is both eloquent and gut-wrenchingly direct. He writes openly and honestly about his struggle with depression and his preoccupation with suicide.  The article addresses the topic of loneliness, one I've come to realise very few people are prepared to discuss and especially admit to dealing with. He writes about how, despite being a busy, sought-after member of society, he suffers from loneliness. There's no way I could do justice to it; you need to read the article, called Only The Lonely (www.stephenfry.com).

The part of the article that resonated most with me, as someone who also has to deal with loneliness, was his explanation of his dilemma about relationships: he says that it would seem as though the answer to loneliness would be to have an intimate relationship, but that when he's in a relationship, he also has a strong desire to be alone. I have never read a more honest exposition of this dilemma. It's a topic my son and I have discussed a few times, because we're both people who have hobbies that require us to spend (lots of) time alone. The truth is that this can make having  a relationship complicated. Some people are lucky enough to be with emotionally mature people who understand this need for space and don't feel threatened by or insecure about it, but my own experience has been that this is rare. For me, the search for said mature and secure person continues.

One would assume the ideal would be to be with someone who also has a need to be alone, some of the time. I firmly believe that it's possible for two people to have a warm, loving relationship while still enjoying time away from each other to work on individual pursuits. But it does require flexibility, maturity and a desire to make it work. The hardest part is always going to be sharing the same living space, because people who need a lot of time to themselves often keep unusual hours. That's putting it mildly. :-)

When we think of loneliness, we usually associate it with old people, but many people experience loneliness throughout their lives. We all know the expression about being "lonely in a crowd", but sometimes you can be lonely even in a relationship, because you're so misunderstood.

One of the reasons it's important for us to stay connected to other people is that we are indeed social beings, and we all have a need for connection, for contact, for intimacy. A phenomenon that keeps rearing its head is how many opportunities there are to connect with inappropriate  - unavailable - people, and how seductive this can be, for many reasons. The angel and devil on opposite shoulders go through their usual scripts, and in the end you're left with yourself and your conscience. If you can go against a moral code you've adhered to and fiercely defended all your life, then you need to be able to deal with the fallout when it comes.

If you can do that, then you should yield to the offers at hand, as transient, foundation-less and inherently deceitful as they may be. What I have discovered is that, when we have to, we can justify anything.  
So what would you do? Be with someone because what you're really looking for seems unattainable, or hold out "till the real thing comes along" (as the song goes)? And if someone you know opts for the path of least resistance, do you have a right to judge that person?

Like so many of my blog posts, I started out writing about one topic and ended on another, albeit related. But I think I've made my point, that loneliness has many aspects, and it can give rise, especially after a long period, to a sense of desperation; it is this desperation, then, which causes otherwise-sensible people to throw caution to the wind and make out-of-character decisions. In the case of Stephen Fry, it was to attempt to end his life, the ultimate statement of hopelessness in a world that he felt less and less connected to. Thankfully, he did not succeed at his suicide attempt. If that article is anything to go by, I think he could play a huge role in educating people about his condition, to bring about greater understanding, simply by telling his own story.

I wish him well. He doesn't know me, but I believe we are all connected by our common humanity.

Square peg in a round hole

Written 13 June 2013

I’ve been feeling strange, recently. The phrase, “square peg in a round hole” keeps popping into my head, as I find myself dealing with some of the oddest things, things that really frustrate my spirit!

On the plus side, I’ve just had my contract renewed for a second 6-month period, which gives me the kind of security I didn’t have this time last year. So, in that way – a very important way - life has moved in the right direction for me (and my little family). I am deeply thankful to be employed, especially after having been unemployed for a few months and more so because of our country’s growing unemployment crisis. 

It’s still strange, though, to fit into the rules and regulations of an educational institution, being the free spirit that I am. I’m a singer-songwriter, I create music on my guitar and I perform to audiences. I view the world like most creative people do, standing in awe of nature’s wonders, the glorious sunrises and sunsets, the gentle sound of the rain, and the many other stimuli that keep one’s senses awake and alert, wide open to inspiration. Having said as much, I’m mature enough to do what’s expected of me at work, and to find, in the middle of all the prescriptions, my ‘groove’. Nothing can change the fact that I am a qualified, experienced educator and that I love teaching. I enjoy my time with my students, and the team I’ve been part of since January has evolved in interesting ways. I can safely say I enjoy going to work, because I feel I’m making a contribution to the new South Africa – one of my long-term goals.    

At the campus where I work, the staff are required to wear uniforms, something I’ve managed to evade, as I form part of a relatively new department, where this issue has not been finalised (yet). I have very strong views on this matter, and when the topic surfaced recently, it rekindled a strong desire to put those views in writing.

When I’m trying to understand something, I always go back to the source, to try to get a sense of the context, because everything has a context – everything is relative. The decision to wear uniforms was made by staff in departments which train students for industries related to aspects of one’s appearance. The staff voted to have uniforms made, and they all seem happy to be dressed in that manner, with the rationale being that they were industry-specific.

So everyone was issued with certain uniform items, in the corporate colours, and this is what those staff members wear every day. The uniform is also the required dress code for Admin staff and Management.

I can appreciate all of the above, I’ve heard the rationale many times, and I can see why people were attracted to it. For some, the convenience of a uniform was the deciding factor – it takes away the need to decide, on a daily basis, what to wear.

However, for me, personally, this issue is problematic.

In my place of work, I am an educator.  In my current job, I teach English to students, most of whom speak isiXhosa as a first language and who struggle with English. For many, the only time they ever speak English is at college. And even then, it’s when they’re forced to respond to a lecturer’s questions. For some, there is an ideological resistance to English as “the white man’s language”, which further clouds their inclination to speak it. For others, there’s huge embarrassment around making mistakes in public, so they prefer not to speak it in class, for fear of being ridiculed.

My point? I have my work cut out for me, and I’m up for the challenge. My students have expectations of me, and I am there to fulfil a certain role, as set out formally in my employment contract, but also as determined by the particular needs of my students. While I do lecture in a particular department, I form part of another department, which means I could be sent to any of the seven campuses. As such, I don’t identify specifically with a particular industry – I am strictly a language/communication lecturer.

 My general point, basically, is that the role of an educator is to EDUCATE, and, unless there is a pertinent reason to do so, wearing a uniform is not going to make you a better educator. And if there is a broad appeal for uniforms, people’s individual rights to differ should be respected. It’s as simple as that.

But my really strong views on this matter, unapologetically subjective, are linked to my personal value system. This, for me, is where the dichotomy lies. My value system entails a strong focus on being one’s authentic self, of discovering and living one’s truth. I consciously challenge and encourage my students to be proud individuals, to stand up for their beliefs, and not to be afraid to stand out from the crowd. In other words, the value system I espouse and propagate, which I believe is extremely important for the youth of post-apartheid South Africa, is to be the best person you can be, that each person is unique, and that that uniqueness will set you apart and bring you the satisfaction of contributing to society in a real way; I teach that no two people are alike, and that our differences enrich our lives and make for an exciting society. I focus on personal attributes, I speak positively and in an uplifting way, to constantly pour into their psyches that they ARE good enough, and that they need NEVER feel they are inferior in any way. I teach it and I live it.

With all this focus on the individual, it would be stupid for me to stand in front of my students wearing a uniform, a predetermined set of clothing that ensures I do not stand out from the rest, that I blend in, merge, tone down, fade, and become a shadow, an amorphous, obsequious, compliant spectre, an opinion-less cog in a wheel, a wheel going nowhere but round and round and round.   

What I suspected all along has been confirmed: it does not end with the clothing items. The accessories can’t be your own choice of item, even in the corporate colours – that is not allowed. More than that, you are expected to have a “mainstream” hairstyle and to wear make-up. You can be called one side and spoken to about your eyebrows, if they don’t meet with certain standards.  J

This past week, I saw one brave individual, who chooses not to adhere to the dress code, being publicly humiliated - named and shamed. It’s unbelievable, disgusting and totally unacceptable. The whole ethos is awash with old-South African, police-state, authoritarian, top-down, undemocratic values and practices. I see no trace of our new, so-called “enlightened” society there. How very, very sad.

With the state of affairs in our country’s education system being such cause for alarm, how do people heading educational institutions justify this kind of insular thinking? What a wasted opportunity to lead with vision and innovation, at such an exciting time in our country’s history!

If leaders of schools/colleges are worthy of their positions, then these things should be uppermost in their minds:

• Are the educators EDUCATING?
• Are they operating with INTEGRITY?
• Are they fostering healthy VALUES in their students?
• Are they teaching GENDER sensitivity?
• Are they promoting ENVIRONMENTAL awareness?
• Are they making sure students learn a sense of COMPASSION?
• Are they encouraging ACCEPTANCE and CELEBRATION of diversity?
• Are they stimulating debate, developing a sense of QUESTIONING (of outdated systems) and igniting curiosity and a SOLUTION-ORIENTATED mindset in their students? 

If I were to wrap up with a one-liner, it would be this: If you continue to focus on what’s on the outside, you’ll miss out hopelessly on all the wonderful things that people have on the inside.