Another cold, rainy day. As much as I don't like to admit it, I am very affected by the weather. Cape Town has lovely summers, and we tend to live as though that is normal and everything else, an aberration. We bitch our way through winter, complaining about the cold, the rain and the darkness. Actually, just like in life, we should just accept that both types, including their extremes, are perfectly normal. We're lucky that we even get to experience the in-between seasons, autumn and spring, unlike many other countries.
We have other challenges, here, though - our houses seem to have been built before South African winters became this cold. The house in which I live is very draughty. It's not comfortable in winter; there are gaps by the doors and windows, letting in all the chills. My bedroom is the coldest in the house, as it's the southernmost room, with three external walls. On really cold nights, I sleep with a woollen cap, as well as a scarf around my neck. Oh, and socks are a given.
When I visited Sweden, in 2017, one of the things that struck me was how well-insulated the buildings were. People would wear t-shirts indoors, then slip on warm, protective clothing to go out. Back indoors again, they'd wear thin clothing. It's interesting how carefully planned infrastructure impacts on everyday life, making things comfortable and pleasant for the people. South Africa has been so focussed on politics, and all the fall-out from apartheid, that it has failed to effectively deal with some of the most glaring human crises around the country. A lot has changed, which we tend to forget, while criticising the powers that be, but we all feel that a lot more could have been done. For me, our country is yet another example of a leadership vacuum. In any situation where the leaders are focussed on themselves and not on their constituents, employees or beneficiaries, that's a recipe for disaster.
I think that the two sectors of South African society that seem to be playing an effective role in alleviating the suffering of the poor, are faith-based organisations and NPOs (Non-Profit Organisations). Having said as much, I have to say that people are people, and you'll find instances of corruption in both of those sectors. One of the biggest sources of funding to NPOs in our country is the National Lotteries Commission, the COO (Chief Operating Officer) of which has recently been suspended for a THIRD time, under suspicion of having redirected funds to himself, to the tune of millions of rand.
It's almost one year since I left my last permanent job, within a big company. I'm still freelancing. Currently doing only one job consistently, but picking up some small jobs here and there. I really enjoyed the proofreading I did, recently, and want to do more of that. I like the freedom of working from home, for many reasons. I don't have to drive anywhere (petrol's become SO expensive!!!), I can dress casually, I can eat and drink whenever I like, and I can manage my other tasks around my working hours. What I like to do is allocate a number of hours to my job, and be flexible with when those hours are. That leaves me free to go to meetings (about prospective jobs, including music opportunities), do grocery shopping, or even meet friends for coffee. It also means that I can work at night sometimes, if I've had a busy day. Having said as much, the advantage of working fulltime is of course the salary, as well as the peace of mind - relatively speaking, since I have been retrenched three times, while on permanent contracts.
One of my biggest challenges, throughout my life, has been feeling "not good enough". Even now, at age 60, when I am offered an opportunity, the first thing I think is, "Why are they asking ME?!" And the second thing I think of is a list of people I should recommend, instead. Where does it come from? When will I finally stop defaulting to self-deprecating mode? Everytime I think I've overcome it, I find myself doing it again. A few days ago, I was offered an opportunity to do something at an NPO, and today I was offered another opportunity to play some role related to young people from disadvantaged areas. I said Yes to both, but believe me, even while I was doing so, I was dealing with major imposter-syndrome energy. I'll write about the actual experiences after they've happened.
Oh, I finished my blanket for the 67 Blankets for Mandela Day project, and handed it in this week. I am very proud of it, and I hope whoever gets it snuggles up warmly under it and feels all the love with which it was made. I took nine and a half weeks to complete it, and I'm very happy with it. I used mostly yarn that I had at home, but bought a few extra balls, to keep the colour pattern going.
I've already started my next one. I was going to make a garment, but saw a ball of cute yarn called Pumpkin, which looked more like the inside of a guava, so I bought it and started making a small blanket, with a few other complementary colours. This will be suitable for a baby. Now to find a baby! Haha! I'll make the garment next, following a cute pattern I found on YouTube.
I got the official concert photos from our photographer, Bianca Rasmussen, and it was lovely to look at them and relive the experience. I selected a few and uploaded them onto Facebook. I've been working on my next concert, but haven't nailed anything down yet. It will come together in its own time. You know the biggest lesson I've had to learn, in the process? Be discerning with whom you talk to about your concept. People can be so negative! I'd rather have 3 people who believe in me and support my ideas than 30 people who give me reasons why my concept will not work. I don't mind constructive criticism - in fact, I even ask for it - but downright negativity just pisses me off. When I was married, my then-husband did not understand me and my passion for music. He found every way to discourage me from even taking my guitar to friends' houses and playing at social gatherings. In my culture, we sit around fires and sing together, and if there's a guitar, even better. He couldn't relate to that kind of uncomplicated, unselfish sharing of oneself, so he dismissed it. He said I was looking for attention. In 1997, I did a demo tape (it was on casette at the time), and in 1998, took quite a few with me, when we travelled to the UK and US, on holiday. One day, we pulled up at the robots outside Capitol Records, in Los Angeles, and I said, "Hey, let me run inside and drop off a demo!" Without hesitation, he told me that that wasn't Cape Town, that many talented people handed in demos all the time, and that I shouldn't bother. And I didn't. It took me way too many years to fully realise that that wasn't about MY talent, but about HIS fear of taking risks! HIS fear of putting yourself out there and seeing how it works out. HIS insecurity!
So, after living through different versions of that, I decided that life works much better when I'm solo. I have a hard enough time dealing with my OWN insecurities! If I can't have a partner who enhances my life, making it more beautiful and magical, I'd rather be alone.
It's just after 18h30 and it's pitch dark outside! I really don't like winter. Even worse, we've been having three loadshedding sessions a day, where the electricity is off for two and a half hours per session. Daytime loadshedding is one thing, but at night....! Oy!
I feel like I've spent this whole post complaining. Sorry!
To end off, here's a picture of the blanket I donated, showing the edging I decided on.
