Exposed

I wonder what makes people lash out and attack verbally. I wonder what pain must be coursing through their veins in order to be spiteful to the extent that the person on the receiving end of their words can feel physically violated. What I do know about people is that you act out what you know. You give what you've been exposed to. You give what is or has been a huge part of your personal experience. So when someone treats me harshly, unfairly, lashes out at me hurtfully or behaves in a way that humiliates and demeans, closing all possible doors of future communication, killing any possiblity of dialogue that might have existed, erasing any semblance of normal human boundaries and courtesy, flouting the most basic principles of common decency,..... I feel sad beyond words. Because now I know what their life has been all about. I feel sick to my stomach to have been exposed to such ugliness, but I am, more than anything else, deeply saddened by what I now know about their personal journey.

I'm a survivor. I have had so many things to deal with in my life, but I was raised with unconditional love, made to feel like a princess even though I now know that we had a very simple, unpretensious upbringing. My parents got divorced when I was 2, remarrying when I was 7, and finally splitting up, after a few attempts at making the marriage work, when I was 17. In my adult life, I had two very difficult relationships that spanned a collective 18-year period, and I finally freed myself. Right now I have sorted out a lot of issues in various aspects of my life, and I'm well on my way to reaching so many of my personal goals. I'm sensitive, critical and observant. I feel emotions intensely. And I have a deep knowledge about people and what certain things mean.

Some people try to hide the hurt in their lives with things that money can buy, with education, with more things that money can buy. They stand in judgement over others who for some reason or other, don't have what they have, and they smile their smug, superior smirk-smiles, all the time posturing, playing a role, assuming they can pretend forever.

But one day, without even realising it, they expose themselves to be nothing more than wounded, broken, gaping, festering victims of circumstance.

I need to lie in a long, hot bath and process these things. I have a physical ache in my chest, while all my senses reel, trying to deal with this unexpected onslaught. How sad that anyone would choose that path. How sad. How very, very sad.