Something old, something new....

This week, I was given a gift that I still don't know how to respond to, other than to keep saying "Thank you" until I'm told not to. Seriously, though, this is a gift that has the potential to make a huge difference in my life - a set of new sound equipment, including a new mic!

Now, let me put this into perspective. In December 1996, when I left my permanent job with the Western Cape Education Department, I invested in a brand new, bottom-of-the-range set of sound equipment, in order to give myself the freedom to do my own thing. Having my own P.A. top, speakers and mic meant I would not have to depend on others to provide me with sound whenever I wanted to perform. It was a 100W system (ja, ja!) and the only part that I had to replace was the P.A top, when it was stolen during a burglary. At that time, the replacement was bought by the same person who's just bought me the new stuff.

But my mic has an even more interesting story - I must've bought it in about 1990! About two years ago, I broke my own rule and lent it to someone for his gig, and when it came back, it was broken. It still worked, but something in the head had cracked, and part of the inside was now visible. I continued to use it as my only mic (pawned previous spare many years ago, during low patch after divorce), and it's been an important ally in my pursuit of my goals. That old mic has actually travelled a long journey with me, and as you can guess, I have no intention of parting with it! It's a Roland D-45! (!) Something like the Morris 1100 of microphones. By the way, I used to drive one of those! Her name was Dweezle. Some of my older friends and acquaintances would remember her. (Think mid-1980s)

I remember, I used to drive to UWC for my part-time lectures, and every now and then, Dweezle would get stuck along that last stretch of road before campus, and as my friends would come into the lecture hall, they'd say, "I saw your car stuck on the bridge" or "That was YOUR car I saw, right?". It became a standard greeting, with the second part of the sentence eventually becoming superfluous, so I'd be greeted with, "I saw ..." (I'd smile and nod), or "That was...?" (smile and nod).

I had two friends, Pam and Yusuf, who because they were always together, I ended up calling "Pamnyusuf", and the three of us would take turns, each using our car for a week at a time, fetching the others and generally sharing the load. The funny thing was that I think we must've got stuck in each of our cars, at some stage or the other! In those days you could still hitch-hike, which we would end up doing, just to get to campus, then we'd figure out how to: a) get home and b) get the car towed home safely. I think my brother-in-law must've bailed me out many times. In fact, I think he's actually towed me home in EVERY car I've owned. It actually took me a while to get a car that wasn't manufactured in the same decade I was born in! But that's another story! The plan now is to buy one that was made in this century, sometime in 2010.

And so, this Saturday I step out into my magical musical world with my new sound. We've been trying all kinds of combinations and permutations (lots of knobs to fiddle with), and we'll give it a go in public. Scary, but exciting. I generally live my life according to the "less is more" principle, and that usually works for me (hence the almost 20-yr-old mic and car!), so when I find myself having to operate at a more sophisticated level, in any area of my life that's stood still for a while, I do get a bit anxious, with half of me excited as hell and the other half wishing I could just hide behind the familiar, the comfortable, the same ol' same ol', the safe.

There's a saying that goes something like this: How can you keep doing the same thing, in the same way, and expect different results?

As commonplace as change is, it's still something I have a love-hate relationship with. I allege that I want it (my big affirmation being, "I'm living through radical, positive change"), and that I'm doing everything in my power to attract it, but when it comes, I can feel myself trembling inside, that scared child of long ago wondering, "Can I really do this? Am I actually good enough? What if I'm not as good as they think I am?"

So there, I've said it. Now I feel much better. Yes, I do have moments of self-doubt, but I'm unlearning those self-defeating beliefs/patterns, and consciously embracing new ones:

I CAN do this!
I AM good enough!
I AM as good as they think I am, AND I'm getting better all the time!