Music & Words: Sat 18 Dec, 7pm, at Baran's

Pictures:
1. Writer, poet, storyteller, Diana Ferrus
2. Vocalist, Megan Francis
3. Singer-songwriter, Peter LaVey
4. Wayne and I at Baran's in March this year.

Next Saturday I present the next concert showcasing my original songs. Once again, I have the privilege and pleasure of working with my mentor, jazz guitarist-extraordinaire, WAYNE BOSCH. He breathes life into my compositions, and inspires me beyond words. Since July 2009 we have been working together as a duo, and it has been a time of learning, growing and pushing my personal boundaries, musically. We'll be doing the second half of the programme, performing songs I either haven't done in public before or songs I last performed 5 years ago.

In the first half of the programme, three exceptional artists will be strutting their stuff. First on the bill is a young man, PETER LaVEY, who is new to the stage. He's a singer-songwriter in the genre of light rock, who accompanies himself on guitar. Like many world-famous artists, Peter started his musical journey in church. I don't know when last I've heard such a pure, fresh voice. He's got real talent, and I'm very happy to be affording him his first-ever appearance in this type of setting. Cape Town needs to hear this promising musician, whom I believe has a bright future in the music world.

Second on the programme is also a young, up-and-coming musician, vocalist MEGAN FRANCIS. I first heard Megan sing when she did a guest spot at my restaurant gig, in 2009. I was blown away by her voice and stage presence, and have been fascinated by her growth over the past year. She recently came 2nd, against some serious competitors, in the Jazz Voice Competition at Grand West Casino Complex, hosted by Heart Radio. Her voice is amazing, and her musicality outstanding. Besides all of that, she has a sincerity on stage that endears her to her audience, an authenticity that no-one could fake. Megan, too, could have a successful career as a musician, if that was what her heart desired.

Completing the trio of fine artists in the first half is DIANA FERRUS, who describes herself as "'n skrywer, poet en storyteller, wat nou haar eerste bundel in Engels launch. Sy skryf in Engels en Afrikaans." I absolutely love Diana! Not only does she capture everyday moments with such a clever turn of phrase (in both languages), but when she recites her work, she draws you in, as the listener, and takes you on a journey, where one moment you'll be belly-laughing and the next, swallowing a lump in your throat, trying not to cry. Some of the time, you'll just let the tears roll. Diana has done extensive work on the topic of Slavery, with particular interest in the legendary Sarah Baartman. Two days before this concert, she officially launches her latest collection of poems, entitled, "I've come to take you home", her first English-only collection. This takes place at The Slave Lodge, Corner Adderley and Wale Streets, in Cape Town's city centre, at 11:30am on Thursday the 16th of December. Find her on Facebook, if you would like to buy tickets for her book launch.

This is going to be ONE BUSY WEEK, but I am looking forward to the 18th like a child anticipating Christmas! This week is filled with my children, who'll be here for a week, my part-time job (visiting and interviewing District 6 land claimants), duo rehearsal for the concert, singing at Diana's book launch on Thursday morning and at a Kurdish fundraiser that night, as well as at a 50th birthday party on Friday night. Where I'll find the time to attend to the peripheral details, I don't know, but you know what? It always comes together. The concert started out as a means to raise money for my family to survive, in the light of my retrenchment, but it's taken on a life of its own, and I'm enjoying the headiness of it all! Whatever I manage to raise after expenses, c'est la vie!

Tickets to my concert cost R60. You may call me at +27 83 491 3048 if you'd like to attend or just buy a ticket to support.

Good Morning

As the grapevine gets heavier and the baby grapes change their shape and size with every passing week, as the seedlings I planted blossom and spread themselves out in their rich compost beds, and as the older plants get greener and taller, grinning contentedly in response to all the nurturing and love, I know without a doubt that my journey through this life is more closely linked to the earth and things green than I could ever have imagined. Not a week goes by that I don't learn yet another lesson from my garden.

These are some of the lessons I take with me today, that I've learnt from my garden over time:
* if something in my life is chaotic, neglected, or displeasing in any way, I have the power to change it into whatever I'd prefer it to be.
* if I have a plan, even a general direction, that's a great place to start.
* if I accept and embrace the fact that time is my best friend, and I understand that patience is an intrinsic part of any goal-directed process, then I can change a drab, dry situation into a fragrant, colourful reality.
* people come into our lives and they go, sometimes because they choose to leave and sometimes through death; somehow, the practice of getting my hands dirty in my garden, experiencing the growth and atrophy, the seasonal predictability and the sometimes inexplicable disappointment, having an intimate link with the earth helps me internalise the life-death-life cycles that I believe exist in almost everything to do with the human experience.

And on that quasi-profound note, I get ready for a day of interviews with District 6 land claimants. Today we're visiting 9 families, and I'm looking forward to it. This is a part-time job I managed to get in about mid-November, and it's been keeping me busy. What a fascinating experience and again...... so many lessons being learnt.

I'm going to say something that won't make sense to some people because I haven't found a permanent job yet, but here goes: getting retrenched was the best thing that could've happened to me at that time. And I continue to believe that life is filled with possibilities.

Yearning

Picture: Imhoff Farm, near Ocean View in the more southern mountains of Cape Town.

I find myself yearning for tranquility, a powerful pull towards nature, space, a slower pace than the city allows me. Trying to find the balance, as usual, between my need for solitude and its flipside, companionship. Most of the time, I'm able to organise my life so that I achieve whatever it is I need to get through the day, the week, the month, the year. Dealing with the uncertainty of my standing in the employment market brings about a level of disquiet, unease, which I understand is inevitable. I am a proud person, like most of us are, and thrive on my independence. Having to rely on others to get me through this period is difficult, and yet I know that once I'm employed again, I'll honour all my commitments. Actually enjoying pushing myself to come up with different income-generating activities, so that I'm not passively waiting for others to make my life happen.

Many years ago, when decisions made in the wake of my divorce left me reeling financially, I approached a close friend for a loan of R2000, promising to repay her as soon as I'd found my feet again. This was someone I saw almost every day, with whom I shared some of my most intimate feelings and issues, someone I'd had many experiences with. Calling her up and asking for the loan was a last resort and took a lot of courage; I asked in a way that didn't assume anything and that gave her the space to decline. I encouraged her to discuss it with her husband, and I waited for her response. When it did come, the words she chose cut me like a knife: "We have a policy that we don't lend money to people."

Without going into detail about their opulent circumstances, I have to say that the use of the word "people" was what hurt me the most. This was a very close friend, who knew all the facts about my life. What also hurt was the fact that there was absolutely no understanding of how few choices I had, and just how hard it was to get up every day and carry on. I discussed it with a mutual friend, who said she could help me with R200 if I needed it. By that time, I had made the decision never to put myself through that again, and I'd started pawning whatever I could, including my wedding rings and my back-up musical equipment. Material things have meaning to me only insofar as they serve some purpose. I had two small children and I had to survive.

After a period of inconsistent income and quite a bit of turbulence, I settled into my new job, happy to be able to consolidate and work towards greater financial freedom. But my own struggles had heightened my awareness of the plight of others, and I soon identified someone who desperately needed help but was too proud to ask. I took a serious look at my budget and decided I could allocate a small amount every month to help ease her load. One of the hardest things for me, related to my retrenchment, was breaking the news to her that our arrangement had to end.

When I am employed again, I will make sure I don't live my life selfishly, with blinkers on. But for now, life has presented me with huge challenges, some of which terrify me, but most of which I've decided to channel into a learning experience. I WILL come out of this and I WILL go on to be happy and productive again. Most importantly, I WILL be a better person for having been forced out of my comfort zone and into a different headspace, where my appreciation of simple things is at an all-time high.

Which is why, with so much going on in my head, so many things to reflect on, I yearn, on a daily basis, for peaceful surroundings. I'm deeply grateful that some of my social activities have taken me to breathtaking spots in our beautiful Mother City, Cape Town. I think I've also come to terms with the fact that my aspirations lean towards tranquil surroundings. So maybe one day people will say, "Have you heard? Trudy's really bought the farm!"

Personal best

Today I went to gym after a 4-day break (had been really busy) and swam 40 lengths, my all-time personal best. But people don't want to hear that from me right now, do they? People get frustrated that I haven't found a job yet. How the hell do they think I feel?! And how the hell can it be linked to my swimming? Can I honestly JOBHUNT 24 hours a day? It doesn't work like that.

Finding all over again that life is indeed complex, and that some personal victories are best kept to oneself, or blogged about, or tweeted about. I can understand why many people simply retreat into their private little worlds and don't bother to hang out with a group.

And so I will repeat, on my blog: today I swam 40 lengths, my personal best. I am SO proud of myself!

Happy birthday, Summer Dawn

Today my daughter turns 12, an age she's wanted to be for years!! Just about my height, she's going to be quite tall when she stops growing. A fascinating person, this 12-yr-old. The year before she was born, dealing with the devastating effects of a miscarriage, I consulted an astrologer. Having made no reference to what had happened a few months before, I was blown away when she said, "I see a daughter for you". In that same reading, she said that I would also travel abroad the following year. It was only after I'd come back from my first-ever overseas trip, in mid-1998, and given birth to Summer in November that year, that I recalled the astrologer's words. Thirteen years later, I still have contact with that astrologer, and she's an amazing person. She relocated from Johannesburg to Cape Town and now lives a few suburbs away from me. Her accurate readings have continued over the years, and I have a lot of respect for her. She's counselled me through many different experiences over the years, and I admire the way she chooses her words. Often, only after I've experienced something do I realise that she had alluded to it without spelling it out.

But, back to Summer. I remember getting to the 40th week of my pregnancy and feeling I couldn't last another day. I started panicking at the thought of being pregnant for 41 or 42 weeks, because I was so heavy and the baby wasn't descending, and so I opted for an induction. To fit in with the doctor's timetable, I booked into Constantiaberg Medi-Clinic at 3am on a Monday, and my baby was born at 09h20. Something went horribly wrong with the epidural (a rushed job, to fit in with anaesthetist's surgery schedule!), my body went into some kind of shock reaction, and I had to have a C-section under general anaesthetic! I'll never forget the panic in the delivery room when the baby's heartbeat started becoming faint. Not an experience I'd wish on anybody!

I woke up in the recovery room at 11:00, and drifted in and out of consciousness til 11:30, when a friend who worked at the hospital came to tell me I'd had a daughter! A few minutes later, I was wheeled past my then-husband, who also told me excitedly that we'd had a daughter; I couldn't talk, but I touched my hair, asking wordlessly what any brunette would ask at the birth of her second child, when the first one was a redhead. "Another redhead!" he said, barely concealing his delight. I saw my daughter for the first time just after 11:30, two hours after her birth, and it was like dejavu - she looked exactly like her brother had looked, 4 years earlier! I held her in my arms and fed her, and I felt the most surprising feeling - that I had achieved one of my most important things in my life! I had given birth to a daughter!What a wonderful feeling after having had a son - it felt like the ultimate blessing to have one of each.

That was a curious time of my life. With Summer's arrival, I used to say our home had "three Sagittarians and one vegetarian"!

This little girl has had quite a life, with her parents splitting just before her 2nd birthday, and she's turned into a fiery, fiesty young person, with strong opinions and convictions, and a wonderful gift for languages. She's also got a great eye for photographs and has spent the past year saving up for her very first serious camera, which she's planning to buy for Christmas.

Her dream careers over the years have gone from bus driver to egg slicer, teacher to singer, and most recently, to photo-journalist. She's decided she's going to Rhodes University and then she's going to travel all round the world taking photos and writing. About to enter Grade 7, she's got 6 more years of schooling ahead, during which so much could happen.

I'm incredibly proud of my daughter. She's very witty and has sharp critical faculties. Her sense of humour, evident from a young age, has grown over the years, and she's able to describe and imitate like a regular stand-up comic. Far more confident than I was at that age, she's got a future ahead that I sincerely hope I'm around to witness.

She's one of the most musical people I know, with so much natural talent, it constantly takes me by surprise. She took violin lessons for four years, then decided to change to the piano! She sang in their school choir for four years, too. She sings like a nightingale and has an amazing sense of pitch.

And so, before I go and pick her up at school to spend her birthday afternoon with her, I'd like to send a special thanks to the universe for blessing me with this wonderful little girl. My life has indeed been made a lot more interesting and exciting by her presence.

My wish for her is that she may live her life with all the enthusiasm, curiosity and fun she currently has, as a 12-yr-old, and that she may never compromise on her sense of self-worth, never sell herself short or dumb down to please anyone, but soar like the eagle she is, living life with joy and love.

I accepted long ago that Sagittarians have a very strong sense of adventure - I've trained myself to say all the goodbyes that inevitably go with redheaded Sags! ;-)

Kissing frogs

And life goes on. At this stage, I need to start my blogs with that phrase! Strange time for me – I’ve been at home for 8 weeks and life is very different to when I worked in my most recent job, at Eurocentres Language School. I can now see how that one change became the catalyst for quite a few others, and I have to say that almost every one of those changes was positive. Yes, I’m still unemployed and yes, I do need to find a job as soon as possible, and yes….. the end of November is going to be a very sobering experience as the usual monthly overheads loom, with my income limited to some gigs and some piece-meal work I’ve picked up. I guess we’re about to see the quintessential stuff hitting the fan. Hectic!

And yet, coexisting with all of the above is an amazing set of circumstances: I can honestly say I’m in a much better space than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve been swimming a lot and the results are far-reaching. I’m enjoying the feeling of working in a disciplined and committed way towards a goal, the physical effects are inspiring, and it seems to be affecting my overall confidence. I feel like I’ve rediscovered myself. Many years ago, exercise played a huge role in my life, but somewhere along the line, I lost it. Life happened, as they say: I got married, became a mother, did the crazy juggling act of being a working mom, struggled for 7yrs to make a troubled marriage work, got divorced, spent the next 10 years in different phases of survival mode, and when I looked, I had gained 19kg! Yes, right now, I’m 19kg heavier than when I got married. How the hell did that happen? The journey is what it is. Time and circumstances resulted in my losing my fitness and figure, and now time and circumstances are the very factors enabling me to address this part of my life. It’s not my goal to lose 19kg – that’s unrealistic; instead, I’d like to lose 10kg. I stopped eating bread one and a half weeks ago, I’m very conscious of what I eat and drink, and I’m determined to maintain these lifestyle changes, to move towards my goal.

Some of the changes I had to make, when I lost my job, were not easy. I miss my guitar lessons intensely, but I practise a lot, because I want to keep improving, keep making better music. More than that, playing guitar keeps me in touch with who I am. I’ve been playing guitar since 1978, and it’s as much a part of me as my freckles! Trying hard to score a weekly gig (or two!), but right now it seems to elude me. I’ll keep on trying. Made publicity packs for the duo, including a not-too-bad demo CD, and I need to get more of them out to establishments.

Having so much time on my hands has also brought me back to one of my old hobbies, gardening, and I’m enjoying seeing the results of my hours of work. So rewarding, so full of promise. This is something I’d also like to keep as part of the way I proceed along my journey from now on.

The way I relate to different people in my life also seems to be changing, and I’m at peace with the fact that this is an inevitable part of a more introspective and reflective time. More and more, I continue to find myself less interested in the glitz and glamour, the mindless money-intensive pursuits, and more at home in my own skin, gaining self-knowledge, stripping away the façade, sorting out fantasy from reality.

And so, as I deal with this curious combination of issues – and much more – the best thing that I can do to get through this phase of my life is just keep on keeping on, in the only way I know and choose to operate, believing that everything is happening as it should, that there’s a beautiful plan for my life, that even when it comes to what we want from life, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. :-)

Wide open spaces

Picture: Wide open spaces open up my thoughts, inspire me. Today I did a gig at Neethlingshof Wine Estate, just outside Stellenbosch.

Tomorrow heralds the start of my 8th week at home, unemployed. While I’ve used the time to do lots and lots of things, it’s starting to freak me out that, despite having applied for quite a few jobs, I haven’t been called for one interview, and nothing in the formal job market has come my way. Very sobering. Requires of me some serious sitting down and thinking out of the box, as the saying goes.

There’s a lot on my mind, as usual. I understand that this period without a full-time job is a temporary phase, and that, at some stage in the (not-too-distant) future, I’ll be employed again and feeling the security that goes with it. But right now, to be honest, I’m taking some strain.

I count my blessings every day, as part of the Mind Power exercises I do, and I really do feel blessed in many ways. In fact, an awareness that dawned on me, recently, was that life (a complex system containing many sub-systems) could be compared to the human body: if my foot hurts, but everything else is ok, I just need to sort out my foot – everything carries on as usual; no need to get rid of the whole body! Well, right now, ONE aspect of my life is not right – employment – but everything else is really fine. I’m healthy (except for a sore foot, seriously!), I have a gym membership that I’ve been making use of, I have my family, I have a home, my car works most of the time, I have my guitar and music in general, I’ve been doing roughly one paid gig per week, I’ve been working in the garden, making a visible difference, I’ve been uncluttering my house, room by room, I’ve spent time with some amazing friends, I’ve had some incredible conversations over the past 7 weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time with my 11-yr-old daughter and my 80-yr-old mom, I’ve done a lot of jobhunting and applied for some fascinating positions that sounded tailor-made for me, I’ve put together publicity packs for the Rushin-Bosch Duo and started distributing them to some of my dream venues (to be continued this week).

You know what? I have nothing to complain about! I’ve been included in a part-time project for which I’ll be paid, interviewing land claimants for District 6 and I’ve actually been offered a lucrative New Year’s Eve gig.

But more than all of that – I have so much love in my life: a family relationship that’s been in turmoil for most of this year is starting to heal, and I’m fortunate to have an incredibly loving home base. Without going into too much detail, let me just say there’s a huge amount of love in my life.

I will get through this phase.

When I wake up tomorrow morning, some ideas that have been brewing in my subconscious will have started effervescing.

So now……, off to bed!

Love me, love my blog

Picture: A clever, delightful book I got from a friend when I left the school I'd been working at.

Tues. 02/11/10
In my sixth week at home, I can’t believe I haven’t posted a blog since late September! So much has happened, so many insights gained, routines implemented, goals set, procrastinated matters addressed – I can honestly say I’ve been too busy living my life to blog about it. But, as someone who writes compulsively – like I can’t move through life without documenting it, just in case I need to refer to dates and events at some stage and also because I actually enjoy reading back and seeing how (and if) I’ve changed – I must confess I have been journalling a lot. What’s the difference between blogging and journalling? Two main things, in my opinion: firstly, the size of the reading audience and secondly, the level of honesty. Haha! When I blog, I’m aware that there’s a public readership, so the text is checked and tweaked, then checked and tweaked again, before I press Enter and send it out into cyberspace. I’ve received enough feedback to know that, even though I have just 10 followers, a lot more people actually read my blog.

Thurs. 04/11/10
Journalling, on the other hand, is the process of writing like a waterfall – as the thoughts cascade, so do the words onto the page. I sometimes write so fast, I find it hard to read my entries afterwards. Besides the one mode of writing, writing, writing as I think, recording recent events, observations, opinions and impressions, there’s a second mode, the one where I process issues. I look at a situation in fine detail and I suppose ‘deconstruct’ would be a good way to describe what it is I do. That has got me through many difficult periods of my life, lots of dilemmas, lots of lows. I vent, I rant, I abandon the social niceties. But what a useful exercise it inevitably is! A third mode of journalling, for me, is making lists – all kinds of lists! Haha! ALL KINDS! Lists of things to do, goals (short, medium and long-term), and criteria. I make lists of criteria for everything – my ideal job, my ideal partner, my dream home, my dream car (that’s a short list: a big boot and a CD player!), my ideal gig, etc.

The past five weeks have had an identity like no other period of my life. There hasn’t been one moment where I could have said I was bored. There’s always something to do. And yes, I’ll admit, I like being busy. In fact, strange as it may sound, I like working. Losing my job was much more than just changing my daily routine and losing my income; it took me about four weeks to fully and honestly acknowledge that I needed to grieve, that that’s also part of this experience. I miss my colleagues, I miss the students. I miss that community I was part of for 34 months. But life does go on, and in a way I can’t quite explain right now, I embrace what’s happened as part of the universe’s beautiful plan for my life and I anticipate, with great excitement, the new phase that lies ahead.

Every week has felt different and had a different focus. I’ve done so much, and yet it feels like time has flown. I’ve uncluttered parts of my crazy house, also thrown things out of the shed, taken loads of recycling away and given things to my friend for her secondhand shop. I’ve finally had time to potter in the garden, and that’s become something I look forward to, because it’s so soothing, very rewarding and an activity that gives me space to think – I love the lessons about life that my garden teaches me. I’ve enjoyed watching the grapevine grow and also the way the garden has perked up in response to the attention it’s been getting. I took the bold step of cutting down a pot plant I’ve had since 1984, which recently just died, for no apparent reason. So I cut it down, composted the soil and have taken to chatting to it every now and then. Another plant I got recently as a gift, wasn’t looking too happy inside, so I put it outside yesterday. I’ll keep my eye on it.

I’ve been going to gym, mainly swimming and sitting in the sauna. That’s very therapeutic, and I’m lucky to still be able to do that. Another change I’ve had to implement, in the wake of my job loss, has been giving up my guitar lessons. That was hard for me. But my love for the instrument and for singing keeps me practising. I still have a restaurant gig (Café Adelphi, Sea Point), so it’s important that I keep practising.

On the home front, my being unemployed has had some nice spin-offs for my family, with my daughter being able to skip After School Care most days and my mom having me around a lot more, to chat to and go out with. My son’s been living with his dad for most of this year, so he’s not that affected by my changed routines. But that’s another story!

I spend a few hours every day jobhunting, mainly on the internet, but also in newspapers. I sent an e-mail out to my network explaining my situation and received a lot of replies, some asking for my CV, some pointing me to websites or organizations, and some just wishing me well, expressing their confidence that I’d find something suitable soon. I was moved by some of the e-mails people sent me, and I realized that we don’t thrive only on the tangibles that people send our way (contact names and numbers, websites, etc.), but also very much on the intangibles, the words of support, encouragement and love. And hope.

I’ve sent my CV to a few organisations I like (never done that before!) and I’ve applied for about five jobs. I’ve also registered with a few recruitment agencies.

Shoo, will this blog post ever end? I’ve also been doing more cooking than usual, trying to stretch the resources, and even that’s been fun – I’ve tried some things I hadn’t tried before. Oh, and I read a lot and do Sudoku!

Yesterday I fetched the demo CD my music partner and I recorded at his friend’s house a few weeks ago. Funny listening to oneself: after the first time, I decided I liked only one of the 5 songs, and that I’d use just that one as the demo! This morning, I listened again, and decided that four of them were actually not that bad. Oh, I could write a list of what I feel I could’ve done better, but basically it’s a means to an end (getting gigs), so that’s another project I’m involved in. Burnt copies today and wrote on the sleeves. Tomorrow, I’m printing mini-pics of the duo to put onto the sleeves. In for a penny,…!

I sincerely believe that the inner processes we go through are as important as the outer, more public ones. I also believe that the energy we vibrate with (inner world) has a profound effect on what happens in our lives (outer world). In keeping with that belief, I’ve been doing lots of Mind Power. I’m in my third consecutive week of the new Mind Power programme I drew up for myself. I choose four exercises a week and do them every day. They consist of things like affirmation, visualization, acknowledging and contemplating. I make notes of my sessions, and I’ve found myself sharpening my senses and my skills in this area of my life. Hard to describe to a cynic, but suffice it to say: it works for me. It’s a conscious choice, to view the world in a certain way, not as a helpless victim of circumstance, but as a powerful energy source, one that can influence outcomes. I’ve been following this lifestyle for 7 years now, and it’s taught me a lot, about the power of thought as well as the power of words.

With all this inner work, as well as the other emotional issues related to being unemployed, I’ve found myself becoming a bit anti-social, which is hard to explain to some people. I like being with my family, my best friend, my partner and some close friends, but I really don’t feel like being at large gatherings, especially where I don’t know many of the people. I enjoy watching live jazz, but not necessarily where people are over-indulging in alcohol and becoming stupid. Then I’d rather stay home and read, play my guitar, journal, potter in the garden, watch tv, listen to CDs or do Mind Power.

I always have music buzzing round my head, and I love playing with song titles, believing that for every person and every situation there’s a song title that’s a perfect match. What would mine be, right now?
Some possibilities:
I Will Survive
Imagine
Just in Time
Perfect

But the one I like best, which sums up my headspace right now:
This Could Be The Start of Something Big

Waning Wednesdays

Today I had my guitar lesson, and once again I felt both the discipline and the success of the process I'm going through. Wayne (Bosch) is an excellent teacher, and I'd recommend him highly to anyone wanting guitar lessons, especially if you're prepared to work hard. Today I also informed the admin staff there that I'm finishing lessons at the end of October. Sad, but unavoidable, considering I'm now unemployed.

I'm one of those people who, I'd imagine to the annoyance of others in my close circle, cherish every experience, because my view is that there's no guarantee it will go on for ever, which is how we tend to live our lives.

This came about when I started having to live away from my children, for a few days at a time, after my marriage ended 10 years ago. Every moment I got to spend with them was precious, and I learnt to live IN the moment and to experience things FULLY, intent on making happy memories, intent on living a life with as few regrets as possible.

My point? I have looked forward to and enjoyed every guitar lesson, and I've achieved most of my goals possible for this length of time. I fully believe that Wayne is destined for the international stage, and so I plunged myself into the process, consciously learning as much as I could, because at any time his journey could take him out of Cape Town, out of South Africa. What will I do after October? I'll figure it out. If I get a job in the city centre, I'll try to get my lesson slot back, but if not, I have lots of lessons I could go over and work on until I've mastered what I've learnt in the past two years. Improving at anything we do is not totally dependent on having a teacher all of the time - sometimes what's learnt in lessons takes a while to sink in, to become part of us, and I think the next part of my guitar journey is going to require discipline from me, as I set aside time every day to practise and continue to grow as a musician.

Four Wednesday lessons left. The only constant in life ...

Picture of Wayne and me at Food Lover's Market, taken on 22/05/10 by Bienvenue Mambote, who performed as our guest artist that night.

Changing templates

There's something I like about change - when you change one thing in your life, it opens up possibilities for other changes. You end up looking at your whole life differently, with fresh eyes, and it enables you to address areas of your life where you've been stuck for a while. That's what's happening to me at the moment. Yesterday was my first work day at home, and I ambled my way through it by tackling the laundry and playing my guitar. Later in the day, I found some sheet music I hadn't looked at for ages and transposed some of the songs, writing out the charts for our duo. I couldn't escape the fact, however, that underneath all the activity, I felt sad; I missed my colleagues, the students and the role I played there.

Today, to my relief, my energy was very different. I woke up feeling lighter in spirit, and that set the tone for the day. The sun shone gloriously and I did more laundry. My washing machine was fixed over the weekend, so life is a lot easier in that department. I had my daughter with me for the day, so we hung out and played games: our two-player versions of Cluedo and Thirty Seconds. Later, we fiddled around with some things on the internet, ending with changing the template for this blog.

I finally figured out how to check the stats (always fascinated me) of the viewership of my blog. Interesting - I can see where in the world the viewers are (countries), which search engines and keywords are used, as well as the breakdown as per today, this week, this month, the past year, as well as "all time". Cool!

I really do have a lot on my mind. When I'm a little less scattered, I'll blog about it.

One thing I know for sure, this IS an incredible time for me. Whatever lies ahead .....bring it on!

Picture taken last week, at home, by Summer.

It's official

With our staff having been informed today, I can finally say what's been on my mind since Thursday - I'm leaving my job at the end of September, as the company implements the next part of its restructuring plan.

The past two blog posts were written while I couldn't be more specific, as the correct protocol had to be observed.

I've been working here since December 2007, and I feel like it has been the most significant job I've ever had. I've encountered interesting students from all over the world and befriended some amazing colleagues. I've expanded my knowledge base and my range of skills. I've had to overcome quite personal reservations and step outside of my natural shyness, to play a leadership role in an exciting, never-a-dull-moment, multi-cultural environment. I've learnt so much and changed so much. I like the Trudy I've become while working here. And that's what makes this change so exciting - I'm looking forward to the next part of my professional life, because it can only be yet another fascinating journey for me.

One of the most significant things that happened to me while working here, was getting the opportunity to travel to Brazil, in March 2009, to exhibit at the BELTA Fair in Sao Paulo and to meet agents in three other cities, where I did presentations on Cape Town and our school. I will never forget what a wow that was! I fully intend to fly to Brazil again, one day, and experience the country as a tourist, preferably with my children.

I've been privileged to work under the leadership of someone who gave me a lot of freedom to put my own stamp on my portfolio in his company, someone who seldom questioned my judgement and who entrusted the day-to-day running of his company to me. That trust enabled me to flex my mind and implement my ideas, and gave me the
opportunity to see in which areas of leadership I succeeded naturally, and where I needed to learn a lot.

Today, while driving to school, I started feeling queasy, and had to pull off to get out of my car and breathe! Not sure if it was the medication for my sore foot or some kind of anxiety about the staff being told today, but it passed soon enough. Drove to school and survived the announcement, feeling remarkably at peace. Life goes on, hey, whether we handle surprises calmly and philosophically or fall apart, so I choose to do the former.

Elizabeth Taylor is reputed to have said that she'd had no problems showing anger towards any of her husbands, as she believed they needed to know the full extent of who she was, including the full range of emotions she was capable of. I feel like that about how I want to journey through life - I want to feel and experience many different things, because the alternative is a grey, blah, nondescript existence ..... and if you knew even a little bit about me, you'd know that I would die of boredom if that were my lot.

And so, once again, I choose life, and life abundantly.

Picture: me at the staff party in Dec 2007; Revolving Restaurant, Ritz Plaza Hotel, Sea Point.

Beautiful curve-ball

Unashamedly lazing in bed on another chilly, cloudy Saturday morning, this time listening to the mesmerising sounds of Djavan, my favourtie Brazilian singer. His song, Alibi, is so soulful, so intoxicating, it slips under my skin, slowly seeping into every cell of my body, inhabiting and overwhelming me in such a welcome way. A short song that I end up playing on repeat mode until my whole being is the song. The next one and the next one and the next one on the album..... they're all equally hypnotic. Such a personal thing, which music affects us, and how it affects us.

Consciously spending time exploring the labyrinth of ramifications of the news I received two days ago, a beautiful curve-ball sent my way. I've spent the past 7yrs doing Mind Power (John Kehoe's book)and the past 2yrs reading and internalising the book "The Art of Possibility" (by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander), and both of these have helped shape my attitudes and choices, forming the basis of the philosphy with which I journey through life. I can't but view this change as anything other than divine intervention. Once I'm able to be more public about it, I'll write more specifically, but for now I just want to say..... I'm ok. I've never felt better about who I am and what my capabilities are or the value I add to wherever I am. I wear my age as a badge of achievement, not for once seeing it as anything other than just another statistic about me, like my address or my ID number.

Change seems to be a theme in my life, right now, with the weekly gig I had for 14 months having come to an end last week. In my close family, there's a health matter causing concern and stress, and that alone makes one look at everything else and appreciate that there are many more things that come our way that we can work through than we might normally realise.

As someone who grew up in the apartheid era, where I wasn't allowed to vote in the country of my birth, until the age of 32, when we achieved democracy, CHOICE is one of the things I prize most highly, and I exercise it boldly, unapologetically, whenever and wherever I can, because I can. It's my choice to regard this period as a beautiful opportunity, a long-awaited parting of the clouds allowing the warm rays of the sun to beam down and fill me with energy, rejuvenating me.

I fully endorse the philosphy that the way we view or approach anything, the heading we assign to it, the category we slot it into, creates the framework for how we'll experience it.

It reminds me of an anecdote I read once, where children with developmental problems were at a sports event; the outcome of one of the matches was a draw, and just as this kid's mom was thinking how unfortunate it was that her child's team hadn't won, worrying that the result might sadden him, he ran over to her, with all the excitement of a champion, shouting, "We all won! We all won!"

If you know Djavan's music, you'd know how profound it is to be ending this post with the sounds of Faltando Um Pedaco swirling round my head!

"...endings are beginnings..... beautiful things"

So goes the Randy Crawford song, "One Hello". I need to include it in my repertoire, now more than ever. Today was a life-altering day for me, and of course there's always more than one way to deal with these things - the perspective one chooses, colours everything that lies ahead, and so I choose to view this as a beautiful opportunity, 8 days before my 49th birthday, to reinvent myself.

And reinvent myself I will. I told a friend I was like that baby bird, just needing a nudge from its mother, so that it could finally fly out of the nest - the mother bird knows it all along and the baby bird has a suspicion it can, but until that actual moment, that point of no return, there's always some doubt in the fledgeling's mind - Can I really do this? Am I ready? What would happen if I failed?

For a long time, my Mind Power affirmation has been, "I'M LIVING THROUGH RADICAL, POSITIVE CHANGE". This is RADICAL, for sure, and I know that, as the days and weeks unfold and life peels back the layers of uncertainty and reveals to me what lies ahead, I will see just how POSITIVE this change is.

But, for right now, please allow me my time to go through the usual phases, in whatever order they may come: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and then finally, acceptance.

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I had a strange feeling, a feeling of pending change of a major kind - a change I had been inviting into my life for a long time - so I posted this sentence on my Facebook status: I firmly BELIEVE the best is yet to come.

Reviewing last night's gig

Photograph by Lavonne Bosman, 06/03/10

Last night's gig was once again a unique experience, despite the constants, which are basically the venue, its staff and our duo. The variables are what make each and every Saturday stand alone in my mind, the most significant being the diners.

Last night we had vocalist Vincent Nel as our guest artist, and he brought his own accompanist, guitarist Nigel Gabriel. Nice duo, nice music, Vince was in good voice and the repertoire choice was good. What they added to the evening, besides their lovely laid-back, jazzy music, was a whole crowd of diners, friends who'd come to watch them perform. Interestingly enough, there was an overlap of people I knew, as well: my sister, Wendy, and her husband, Theo, were part of this big group, as well as their good friends, Joy and Mervyn. So nice to have my sis at the gig - special kind of feeling. Also in the group were some seasoned musicians who perform regularly, and there's a certain kind of energy around under those circumstances - not quite sure how to categorise it, but let's just call it an "awareness".

As the band, we experience the night quite differently, I'd imagine, to what the diners do. There's so much behind-the-scenes work that gets done, the preparation for every gig, that by the time we're all set up and ready to play that first note, that's the fun, easy part. Performing new items in our repertoire excites me, as does performing my original songs. Working with Wayne has taught me so much, and after 14 months of regular gigging with him, I appreciate him even more. I've learnt to break out of that unfortunate mould of singing a cover version like some recording I've heard, and to do it any way I like, to play with it every time I sing it. Many singers are still stuck in that style, where each and every time they sing a song, they do it the same way. Yawn! In this case, my accompanist happens to be my guitar teacher, so there's that teacher-student element to our work, but also what you learn on the bandstand you can only learn on the bandstand. You can only become gig-fit by gigging. In the five weeks that we were not at Food Lover's Market (restaurant attendance affected by the Soccer World Cup), I felt so frustrated, because I carried on going for guitar lessons, but wasn't getting the benefit of the live performance in which to flex and explore what I'd learnt.

One of the most interesting parts of my music journey, in the past two years, is how the theory I've learnt in guitar lessons has influenced my singing. Long story, but what an interesting journey.

Last night we did two songs for the first time: Gershwin's "I Got Rhythm" and Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love". What can I say? Looking forward to the second time we do them! Haha! Ended the night with Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put your Records On", the song we fluffed at the workshop last week, and lo and behold, we did so again last night! While restaurant audiences generally seem as though they're not listening, last night's crowd applauded after every one of Wayne's solos, so I guess the mistakes were duly noted!

But you know what? Despite the fact that I got soaking wet offloading the equipment before the gig and was freezing for the first two sets, despite the high chairs that swivel so much, we may as well call our band "The Rushin-Bosch Swing Duo", and despite the many, MANY "interesting" dynamics on the night, I had fun. And as long as it's fun, what the hell, I'll continue to do it! ;-)

Lovely lazy Saturday morning

Nobody would believe this, but it's 11a.m. and I'm still in bed. Decided to treat myself to something that money can't buy - a lovely, lazy, warm-under-the-covers Saturday morning. And this is where I intend to be for the next two hours! What the hell, I work hard all week, I have other responsibilities that make me feel like a hamster on a wheel, sometimes, and it's such an absolute pleasure to just switch off and do this when I can.

So here I am. After adding two pics of the splendid view from my kitchen window, I'm going to watch a movie in bed! Haha - so "unlike" me, but I could get used to this!And later, when I'm all rested and peaceful, I'll do a couple of chores, then start getting ready for tonight's gig. Practised last night, so equipment still set up in the lounge. Need to pack up everything then load into car.

And life goes on....

Make You Feel My Love

One of the peak days in my week, Wednesday, the day I have my guitar lesson. Today, carried on working on a song we started on last week, a faster-paced swing standard. I really like playing the bass lines of songs, especially because I'm a vocalist, and not many singers are playing guitar like I'm being taught to. It's also a complete rush for me to have stepped so far out of my comfort zone and to be playing more challenging things, so many years after picking up the instrument for the first time.

We also went through another playing technique which includes something percussive, and this fascinates me. It means that, once I can play these things properly, when I do have to accompany myself, my playing will be fuller and more interesting.

Just before I left, we wrote out the chart of a song that recently invaded my head and refused to leave, "Make You Feel My Love". I first heard it at the end of an episode of "Lipstick Jungle" and even though it was just a few bars, it captured me -as songs sometimes do - and haunted me. A few days later, I happened to watch the rerun of the episode, and when I heard the song, I wrote down the lyrics and worked out the chords. About two weeks ago, I realised I could look for it on YouTube. Found the version from Lipstick Jungle, sung by Adele, as well as a whole lot of other versions. But what a lovely surprise to discover that it was written by Bob Dylan! Big difference between the chords I worked out and the chart Wayne did for me!

A very sad situation in my life right now makes this song eerily powerful. How do you prove to your child that you love him? And why should it even be necessary?

I've experienced irony before, believe me, but nothing.... NOTHING as ironic as this.

Food Lover's gig extended to Sat 28 August

Just a quickie - our Food Lover's Market gig will be ON for the next TWO weeks, Saturday the 21st and Saturday the 28th of August, 7 - 10pm. This coming week, Vincent Nel will be our guest artist, doing four songs in our second set, and I haven't decided on the following week's guest yet. Watch this space!

Picture: Wayne and I at Food Lover's Market, 18 July 2009. Feels like a lifetime ago!

Guitar Workshop, Sat 14/08/10

Feeling a lightness of spirit, providing a welcome respite from the gnawing stress of a deeply worrying family matter.

Music, the great soother of the spirit. Went to a guitar workshop presented by Wayne (Bosch) yesterday afternoon. It was well organised, and I felt privileged to be part of the programme. In the first half, Wayne performed, first with Arthur Petersen, an accomplished guitarist, and then with me as a vocalist. We did three songs, in which he demonstrated three aspects of accompaniment. What a different feeling to performing at a gig! The people were sitting close by, in rows, concentrating on the performance, and I think we were both affected by the intensity of it all, because we goofed up the second song! Oops! There was a short interval, at the end of which Wayne picked up his guitar and played a beautiful rendition of "Take 5", showing his prowess as a soloist.

The second half was more of a focussed tutorial. He summarised, with demonstrations (by him and Arthur) throughout, three approaches to improvisation in a jazz context. Even though I'd been exposed to the content in my two years of lessons with him, it was still interesting to have the whole concept set out the way he did in the workshop. I liked the smooth, uncomplicated way the two guitarists communicated, with Arthur having to repeatedly stop and start the accompaniment to Wayne's improvisation. I must admit, I started losing concentration one and a half hours into the programme, a fact I included in my feedback to him. In most situations in life, timing is very important. I fully subscribe to the tenet, "less is more".

I liked the overall feel of the workshop, obviously influenced by the venue. It was unpretentious, yet well-structured. Wayne came across well, clearly knowledgeable and passionate. As a teacher, I couldn't help viewing the proceedings with a critical eye on his didactic approach in the workshop context, and I have to say I was impressed. The session came across as well thought out, and the Virgo in me appreciated the symmetry of it all.

Everyone seemed to be lapping up the information, and I have a feeling most of us will make a point of going to all his future workshops. If you're reading this and you're a guitarist and you weren't at the workshop, I'd strongly recommend that you go to the next one. Even if you play another instrument or are a vocalist, I'd highly recommend it. There's so much to learn, and this is a wonderful opportunity to do so from a truly great musician.

Last night, our Food Lover's Market gig went exceptionally well, and I ended my day with a warm, satisfied glow.

Pictures: Arthur Petersen (above) and Wayne Bosch at yesterday's guitar workshop.

Food Lover's Market gig ON for 14 & 21 Aug.

Pictures:
Wayne Bosch playing his guitar, Dec 2009.
Vincent Nel and I, January 2010.
MJ singing at the Cathedral, April 2010.

I'm happy to announce that Wayne and I will be doing our duo gig at Food Lover's Market(FLM), in central Claremont, Cape Town, for the next two Saturdays, from 7 - 10pm. This Saturday, the 14th of August, we'll have MJ as our guest artist. This lovely young man sings and plays guitar, bringing a distinct folk-rock flavour to the evening. If you've never heard him, try to get to FLM this Saturday to experience his unique style and hopefully at least one of his original compositions. MJ has been our guest on a few occasions, and also appeared at the Haiti fundraiser at St George's Cathedral in April.

The following Saturday, the 21st, will see us featuring Vincent Nel as our guest artist. Vincent and I sang together in the band Deadline in the early 1990's. He sang as our guest at FLM in January and it's a pleasure to have him back again, crooning those beautiful songs in his repertoire.

At this stage, it seems as though the 21st of August could be our last night at Food Lover's Market. Our duo started there on the 4th of July 2009, when the owner decided to try live music on the quietest night of their week, to attract diners. The experiment was a resounding success. In the first few weeks of the gig, the turnout was sparse, and I take my hat off to him for hanging in there and believing that it would work out. At this stage, 14 months later, the place is packed every Saturday night. However, the restaurant is best loved for its delicious half-price sushi, a special currently being run from Mondays to Thursdays, which the owner wants to extend to the rest of the week. Needless to say, our kind of music wouldn't work on those nights.

The jury's not out, though, but right now we have the gig for two more weeks. What can I say? It's been an amazing stint, a period in which I've experienced a lot, learnt even more, and met some fascinating people.

When it's really over (the fat lady still has to sing!), I'll blog a retrospective.

African Madonna

Every now and then, I take a walk down to one of my peaceful places, St George's Cathedral, in Wale Street, in the city centre of Cape Town. It takes me less than five minutes from work to get there, and I enjoy the walk through town, especially the little stalls in the side streets. I must admit, I usually go there when I need something, when I need to withdraw myself from the frenzy of everyday life and just sit quietly.... and think.... and be. I tend to gravitate towards it when I'm experiencing an extreme emotion of some kind, or when I need to sort my head out about something. I find myself there when I need to ask for something or when I need to give thanks for something.

I don't know what it is about the cathdral that I find so riveting, but one of the most amazing things in that building is a wooden statue called the African Madonna. It's carved out of a very dark wood, and was made, under commission, by an Englishman called Leon Underwood, in 1935. He was born in 1891. He alleges the shape of the original piece of wood suggested the shape of the end result. The plaque on the wall, next to the statue, says he carved the wood so that one half looked like the Virgin and the other the Madonna with child.

So, yes, I'm struck by the powerful message of this statue, but what adds that magical, other-worldly touch are the candles at its base. I go there, I stare at the statue and I light a candle, often not able to find the words to express what I'm there for. Silence is a form of communication filled with meaning.

The last time I went there, I sat in the main section of the church, closed my eyes and became still, shutting out everything, everyone, everywhere, and I opened my spirit to a new energy. I don't know how to explain this, but suddenly I started smiling and I just couldn't stop - from somewhere deep inside, I felt a wonderful, warm, reassuring glow, and a feeling of excitement about things to come, like I haven't had in years.

As long as I'm working in town, I should visit the African Madonna regularly. Strong symbolism.

And so I smile,....

Back at Food Lover's Market for rest of July

Heard this afternoon that our gig at Food Lover's Market, in Claremont (Cape Town), is back on track for the next two Saturdays, 24 and 31 July. Yeah!!!! Once again, guitarist Wayne Bosch and I will be playing three sets of our favourite music - originals, jazz, swing, bossanova, samba, a bit of blues and some pop - at this cosy restaurant and sushi bar. The gig starts at 7 and ends at 10pm.

For a few weeks, while South Africa was in the throes of its whirlwind romance with soccer, the restaurant wasn't very busy, causing the owners to put the gig on hold, but now it's about to start up again. Not sure how long we'll be the band, but for as long as we are, I'm planning to put my heart and soul into it. Why? Simply because music puts a smile in my heart.

Just around the corner

In more than one area of my life, I have been dealing with rather intense issues, and I find myself becoming more and more of an observer and a thinker, as I work my way through the challenges I'm presented with. The different roles I play put me into contact with various people and situations, and I sometimes wonder how I juggle them all and manage to keep my cool. But one thing I have come to appreciate is that my chosen pace - slow and steady, measured and deliberate - is my greatest strength. I've also come to realise that I do indeed have a stubbborn streak, and while I won't be the one shouting and screaming, I will be the one taking a definite, well-thought-out position and conducting myself in alignment with it.

I also seem to have learnt, in recent years, to shut out other voices when I have to, and to tune in to my own convictions. It's not an easy road, because I sometimes make choices and decisions that don't sit well with others in my close circle. It becomes a lonely road, and I occasionally wonder if it's worth it. And then a course of action I've invested myself in and stuck to, singlemindedly, works out and I know, without a doubt, that it's more important for me to listen to the crystal clear, single-line melody within than the cacophony without.

When I look back on past phases of my adult life, I'm fully aware that, had I possessed the skills and insight I now do, I would not have stayed in toxic situations for as long as I did. I see how my fixation on meeting everyone's needs but my own worked against me, delayed my personal growth and complicated my life, filling it with sorrow instead of joy.

And yet, that was never meant to be my whole story, which is what I still find exciting. Even through my darkest years, there were people in my life who loved me unconditionally and were always there for me. Here I think particularly of my mother and my cousin, Tracy, as well as a few other close friends. In some ways, I think they saw in me what I never could, because I was so busy being down on myself.

And then there's this other energy in my life - music! I started playing guitar in 1978 and composing songs in 1979. Honestly, at that time I never ever thought I'd perform them live in public, let alone think of recording them for mass distribution. I wrote songs, always with lyrics and melodies happening simultaneously, as a form of catharsis, a way of getting things off my chest, the way poets write poetry and artists paint pictures. My love for music always brought me into contact with other musicians, and I think that also kept me afloat when my personal life was in disarray.

And now I walk yet another solo road, but this time with a lot of inner peace and a lot of belief in the endless possibilities that lie just around the corner. After much reading and practising of certain techniques, I am quite different to the Trudy I was ten years ago. And now I'm ready for a whole new beginning. First, as long as I need to be single and growing stronger as an individual, as an artist and as a child of the universe, and then, when all the elements are right, in a loving relationship with someone who's the right fit for me: free-spirited yet responsible, serious yet funny, hardworking yet perfectly capable of goofing off, .....

You know what? I have a better idea: when I'm in the mood, I'll do a whole blog on the criteria I have in mind! Beware, it will be a long blog!!! Hahaha!

Impossible is nothing!

About two years ago, there was a lot of talk on radio stations about the construction of both stadia and roads throughout the country. As a Capetonian, I was obviously more interested in what would be happening in my city, Cape Town. I listened with great interest as engineers reassured us that there'd be "minimal" disruption to the normal traffic. The cynic in me said, Ja, right! Then, in the 18 months leading up to the 2010 Soccer World Cup, I drove through the roadworks on Hospital Bend twice a day, from Monday to Friday. Every step of the way, I was simply fascinated at how cleverly everything was being done, with practically no impact on the traffic flow. I followed the construction with great interest, often craning my neck as I drove through the busy roadway. On a daily basis, you could see more and more additions, as different sections were completed. I had no idea, at that time, how it would actually feel once the month of World Cup matches arrived.

In April last year, I went to the Visitors' Centre at the Green Point Stadium (later renamed Cape Town Stadium) and sat through a presentation by an engineer, who explained in great detail how the different stadia were built, focussing on the one outside Nelspruit, called the Mbombela Stadium. Its striking features are its seats which look like zebra stripes and its metal scaffold-like structures that stand out like giraffes all round the stadium. Before the presentation, we were allowed to stand outside and watch the construction process. Interesting, but still I had no idea how the actual World Cup would feel, for us as South Africans.

The countdown started at some ridiculously high number - maybe 364 days? - and even then it was hard to relate to the event. Even closer to the time, 100 days, 50 days, 20 days, I still felt uninvolved, and thought that I'd get through the month unaffected, aloof - after all, I'm not even a soccer fan.

And how wrong I was to be proved! I'm not exactly sure when I started to "feel it", but it started with people blowing vuvuzelas in the streets of Cape Town one day, and a huge procession of people down Long Street, all clad in soccer regalia. Yes, the sound of the vuvuzelas gave me a headache, because for days people just kept blowing them. And then it was the 11th of June, with the opening ceremony at Soccer City. Even though we were allowed to leave work early that day, I stayed a bit too late and was driving home at that time. I got home in time for the 4pm match, though, and watched it eagerly: South Africa versus Mexico, which ended in a draw, 1-1. And I was hooked.

I've been following the games ever since, becoming increasingly "into" soccer, and changing my allegiance as my teams were eliminated. I was convinced Brazil would be in the finals, but of course they lost to Holland in the quarter finals! And now we're down to two more matches, the runners-up on Saturday night and the finals on Sunday night. People are starting to talk about how sad they're already feeling that it's almost all over, and I know exactly what they mean!I feel it too!

This week, on the night of the last match in Cape Town, I did the Fan Walk with three colleagues, because I just had to experience it on a match day. That was Tuesday, the 6th of July, and the match was Holland versus Uruguay. Most of the people on the Fan Walk were wearing orange, in support of Holland. I was supporting Uruguay, but the closest I came to indicating that support was not wearing orange, and waving my Brazilian flag! The atmosphere was unbelievable, so many people all heading down one road in the direction of the stadium. This was a huge thing for me, because I generally don't like being in a crowd, feeling claustrophobic when I don't have lots of room around me. But I did it, I walked with my colleagues until the stadium, experiencing the performances along the route, the food and craft stalls, the wacky people doing silly things just because, and the overwhelming feeling of celebration, festivity, carnival!

I knew I had to do it in a way that made sense to me, and over the years I've learnt how to pace myself with large gatherings - I have to stick to a manageable length of time, and not try to be what I'm not - so I took my leave at the stadium and walked all the way back. The night air was becoming icy, so I walked briskly, and in the end I was glad I'd taken it at that pace, because I went back to where my car was parked and drove home, getting there just in time to watch the match in the warmth and comfort of my home.

And now, with just two matches left, we're all starting to feel sad at the imminent end of this glorious month of soccer, this unbelievable experience we've all had as a nation. In a way I can't quite explain, this was as profound as our first democratic elections in 1994. In a crazy way, it feels even more significant, because this time we're all united behind one flag, all feeling like we're proudly South African, more in touch with our similarities than our differences, striving to show the world how great OUR country is.

Yes, I can feel it. It IS here. Now how do we hang onto it? And in honest acceptance that the intensity will lessen and the magic will fade, I have to ask myself, how do we as a nation proceed, how do we now channel this oneness, so that we keep focussing on what IS possible?

I love the slogan used by the organisers of the World Cup: Impossible is nothing!

My week at home / Written 04/07/10

Sunday night, and it's back to work for me tomorrow, after a week's leave. I'd made a list of things I wanted to do, and I can proudly say I achieved quite a few: I slept until I woke up naturally every day (for 9 days, incl. the two weekends) and I spent a lot of chill and fun time with my daughter; we watched a lot of soccer on tv and we also went to see the movie Eclipse - my daughter is a huge fan and had been counting the days to the release of the latest in the Twilight series. We went to the shops a few times, and also spent a lot of time with my mom, who lives on the premises.

I did a lot of laundry (whenever the sun shone, which was almost every day!), and tried to practise my guitar whenever I could.

What I did for myself was go to my guitar lesson and have a meeting to discuss resuming the recording of my original songs. I also did a bit of journalling, and went onto Facebook every day.

There were some low moments during the week, but I'll mention only one: despite having had Saturday night's gig confirmed on Friday, I got a call at 6:10pm on Saturday, when I was minutes away from the restaurant, to say it had been cancelled again. On a gig day, I start getting ready at 4:30pm, because I have to do a lot in preparation, and I like to do it without feeling rushed or stressed. It's about a 20-minute drive to the restaurant, depending on the traffic. Finding a parking bay can be challenging, so I often park temporarily, offload the equipment and then find a bay for the evening. Then we set up and do a sound check, and are usually ready about 10 minutes before we're due to start. The point is, doing a gig from 7 - 10pm is not something that takes up three hours of one's time, so having the gig cancelled that late left both of us feeling very bad. Right now, I doubt the gig will resume this Saturday, as it's the runners-up soccer match. Maybe the following weekend. Who knows?

All-in-all, it was a good week. I feel rested and ready to go back and face the challenges at work.

And life goes on.

The Last 48 Hours

The past 48 hours have been "interesting", to use an over-used word. On Friday night, I got into bed feeling very sick, with my throat burning. I had a feeling I might not be able to do my gig on Saturday night. Woke up on Saturday, in such pain, I couldn't even swallow. Felt like I had a golf ball stuck there! I contacted Wayne, and together we agreed on Plan B. I contacted the guest artist, told him I wouldn't be at the gig, and wished him well. I then e-mailed the invoice to the restaurant, explaining the change of plan.

They called me back to say they'd taken such a drop in business since the start of the World Cup, that they were putting the gig on hold till further notice, with immediate effect! Giving Wayne that news was not easy for me. He took it in his stride, and we agreed that he'd tell the other singer and I'd tell the guest artist.

I expect the gig to be back on track shortly, and I'm hoping there won't be too long a break. At the same time, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and time will tell what the bigger picture here is. All I know is that, if this gig doesn't resume soon, I'm going to find another weekly one. I don't want to lose the momentum I've gained in the last 12 months. I have some creative win-win solutions I want to pitch to the owner.

Personally, the combination of weekly guitar lessons and weekly performances works for me. I like the flow of energy it brings to my week.

This was the first time in a year that I was too sick to do the gig. I've sung with a sore throat before, but I know when it's inadvisable to take the risk. 'Interesting' that it turned out the way it did.

Today I hung out with my daughter, until midday, when she was fetched by her dad. It's Father's Day, so they went out for lunch. My son was in the car when she was fetched, and we chatted a bit. It's been 5 months since our living arrangements changed, and I feel a powerful surge of love, tinged with deep sadness, whenever I see him. There are some things in life one just cannot see coming. I never lose hope, though. I look forward to the day he'll let me put my arms around him again. A mother's love transcends all.

Watched Brazil vs Ivory Coast soccer match, and couldn't believe my eyes when the game deteriorated into a fight! Anyway, Brazil won, 3-1, and all's well, I suppose.

Friday itself was a fun day. Took my daughter to work with me, and during my lunch time, we walked around the city, trying to spot the zebra statues we'd heard about on the news. Also checked out the fountain and the new trees on the Foreshore. I've attached some of the pics we took.

On Saturday evening, we rounded off the day by watching the movie, "Julie and Julia", which inspired me in many ways. Delightful!

And now to take my next round of meds, soak in a hot bath and have a good night's sleep.

Back at Food Lover's Market for June

Wayne Bosch and I are delighted to be back at Food Lover's Market Restaurant and Sushi Bar in Claremont, Cape Town, for our 12th consecutive month! Every Saturday from 7 to 10pm. Sometimes we'll feature a guest artist and other times not. I advertise on a weekly basis.

Boundaries are a girl's best friend

I used to have a theory that all interpersonal conflict could be related to two broad issues: expectations and boundaries. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that boundaries were, in fact, a subset of expectations, so my new theory is that all problems between people have something to do with expectations. Just think about it.

In my daily observations (of people), I'm fascinated at the issue of boundaries and how hard it is to actually be true to one's own, in day-to-day situations. We're generally socialised into pleasing others before ourselves and part of that seems to translate into doing what we'd rather not, so as not to hurt someone else's feelings. I look at some people who are very successful in their careers, who have by all accounts risen to the top of their fields, and yet they're exactly like everyone else in one respect - they're incapable of drawing boundaries. The interesting thing is that they then develop alternatives to the direct line-in-the-sand approach, which, in my opinion, just wastes a lot of time! Discussions and more discussions, explanations and more of them, creating side issues to distract everyone from the core issue, all because we lack the skills to look someone in the eye and tell them something we know they're not going to like. But what if we developed a socially acceptable way of doing just that? My rule of thumb is to say it like I would have liked it to be said to me, had the roles been reversed. The first thing it makes you do, is view the other person with respect (presupposing you view yourself that way!), and with that element in place, you're well on your way to a dignified encounter.

When I did the Mind Power course in 2003, with Robin Banks (who's currently training Bafana Bafana to believe anything's possible!), he told us that, as you become clearer about your own issues and you start being true to yourself, you'll find it's a bit of a lonely road. He was right. The people who can really deal with what I'm talking about, that absolute being-true-to-yourself approach, are the ones who're there already or are on the same quest. I'm afraid, most of us simply take offence. "She didn't like the ... I bought, so she doesn't like me! She's never liked me. In fact, I know she's actually jealous of me. She's never really fitted in here. We should get rid of her." etc. No, girlfriend, I just don't like the ... you bought. I wouldn't have told you, but you asked me my opinon! Next time, DON'T ASK!

I came across the title of a book which got me smiling: "Act like a Woman, Think like a Man". Now there's an interesting set of dynamics. I think I already do. I watch men in meetings, how they get to the point, make their point, then move on. In the Insights material, where the four basic personality types are described according to colours (www.insights.com), that's the Fiery Red. The way Robin Banks says those people approach others is: "be bright, be brief, be gone". Imagine how much more productive we'd all be in the workplace if that were our motto! Men seem to get that right a lot more than women, let's face it, ladies!

Men also seem to have no problem telling you what they like and what they don't, without being burdened by what their choice means to you. I like that. I respect that a lot. Most men live their lives making sure their needs are met, and then they worry about the rest. Why do you think you see more men running, at about supper time? They've got someone else sorting out the meal! Haha! They're focussing on running, on getting their needs met. Numero uno! Now, the day women figure out that it's as easy as that, and the two find a way to be mutually fulfilled, there'll be a lot less divorce.

I seem to have digressed from my initial topic.But, hey, rambling works for me too!