Brazilian music // Morning dream

Listening to a CD I got as a gift today, from Diego in Brazil. The singer is Elis Regina, and the album's called Perolas. Her voice has to grow on me, but I like the songs. He also sent me one by a male vocalist, Toquinho, which is more 'easy listening', with quite a bit of guitar presence. He knows I'm an old soul, so he reads me well! I'm so lucky to be able to experience new music in this way! Thanks, Diego, and thanks, Althea, for carting it all the way in your luggage. Muito obrigada!

Then there's a CD I got a few weeks ago, from Julio in Sao Paulo. What makes that CD so, so special, is that it's Julio's own CD! It's called Urbano e Sentimental, and it's voice and guitar (my favourite), and it's really beautiful. The singer is Julio Barbosa and he's accompanied by guitarist Angelo Eduardo. All the tracks except one are their originals. Everytime I listen to it, I feel so proud that someone I know can sing and compose like that! Wow!!!

The strange thing is, I understand just a smattering of Portuguese, but there's something about the language, spoken, but especially sung, that just resonates with me! When I hear the students at school speaking it, I'm supposed to remind them to speak English, but I can't resist listening for a little while before I do. In the multi-cultural environment of an EFL (English as a Foreign Language) school, I get to hear lots of languages and dialects, but I have to confess it's the Angolans, Mozambicans and Brazilians whose words I hang onto. Can't explain the fascination. Maybe something genetic? One day I'll find out - it's a promise I've made to myself.

I must admit that my very favourite Brazilian singer is Djavan. When I play his CDs, I am transported. So imagine how strange it was for me when I played it to my significant other last year and he didn't like it! Haha! Different strokes.

New topic: just before I woke, this morning, I had a dream in which I was sitting on a bench with my friend, and a tall, thin man in blue overalls came over to talk to us briefly. He was handsome and pleasant, said what he needed to, then left. I was amazed, because it had been my dad as a young man! The only weird thing, besides the fact that he didn't know me, was that he had a huge, swollen neck, like when people have some medical condition that turns the neck balloon-like. Never take dreams literally, I've been told. No-one's neck is going to swell, and no-one's suddenly going to get younger. Haha! If only! The good thing was, he didn't seem unhappy about it!

If my dreams are supposed to be supplying me with answers, I'm trying to figure out what that one's question was!!!

Wildness

Another phenomenal picture taken by wave photographer, Clark Little.

There's a wildness in me that can't be contained, and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. I've been aware of aspects of it since my twenties. It's what I often call "restlessness" - it seems to appear in cycles - but I know it's much, much more. The real dilemma dwells way below the surface. I imagine many people, if not all, are like this? I fit into the roles I am forced to play, I earn a living and provide for my family. I struggle through survival issues like many other single parents, and I dream of an easier life. Maybe it's a musician thing, maybe that so-called "artistic personality" that so many people hide behind, that blanket excuse for all kinds of craziness. I crave alone time, and when that's quenched, I crave connection, and when that's sated, I crave solitude again. I allege that I want a certain set of circumstances, but then the wildness surfaces, and I wonder which voice I'm allowing to be heard: the real me, or the socially constructed, oh-so-appropriate me?

And when I reach the end of this life, will I really be able to say that I've lived my truth?

"The Art of Possibility" (Roz Stone Zander and Ben Zander)

There are some changes that I've made recently that are easier to deal with than others. Woke up at 06:30 today, after a lovely, long, dream-filled sleep, and, even though I didn't have any morning appointments and could've slept much later, I knew that I was awake for the day. Thought of going for a run, but heard some rain (about five drops!), so decided to stay in bed and journal. I've been journalling since 1977, and it's very much a part of who I am.

Did some 'processing' in my journal, working through issues of loss, change and new beginnings, then decided to browse through one of my favourite books, "The Art of Possibility", by psychologist Rosamund Stone Zander and her husband, Benjamin Zander (conductor of Boston Philharmonic Orchestra), for some inspiration for the day.

Found my bookmark at a chapter called "Being a contribution" and read just two pages, and on those pages alone, found a few gems that I'd like to quote today, for my own inspiration (and maybe yours, too?).

In this part of the book, Benjamin Zander goes to an Old Age Home to address a group of residents. At first, just one lady turns up and sits quite far from the front. He encourages her to sit further forward and she initially resists. They joke a bit, and he gets her attention by saying, "Who knows,..., if you change your seat, maybe something new will happen today." She replies good-naturedly, that at age 83 that's crazy, but does indeed move - ONE row forward!

I like the metaphor. Most of us want BIG change in our lives, but are scared of making big changes. I like the idea of making SMALL changes, and seeing how that feels, how life shifts, seeing what else arises, because, you know what: something always does!

There's an over-used saying: "You can't keep doing the same thing in the same way and expect a different outcome." It's become a cliche, but think about it! It's so true! In every part of my life, I could apply this - my adult relationships, my relationships with my children, my work environment, my management style, my friendships, my music, and of course my personal journey towards a healthier me, physically, spiritually, financially, etc. I could try changing just one thing, and anticipate a new outcome.

On that same page of the book, Ben Zander talks about his late father's decision to leave Germany for England, even though his mother and aunts decided to stay - a decision which cost them their lives in a concentration camp. His response, when asked why he isn't angry, is: "I discovered a person cannot live a full life under the shadow of bitterness."

Now that's a lesson to me. I've closed the chapter on something I invested myself in for almost a decade, and it would be so easy to wallow in bitterness, regret. But what am I moving towards? What do I want for my life? I'm moving towards a happier set of circumstances, with more clarity and purpose, more balance and reciprocity, less ambiguity, less wasting of precious time. With that in mind, I have to consciously shake off my tendency to wallow in self-pity, and MOVE ON! I don't want that baggage in my new life. Time is my best friend.

In conclusion, a final quotation from the book. In speaking about his dad's ability to endear people with his wise words, Ben recalls something his dad used to say, giving a refreshing spin on how to handle the storms of life, when they do come: "There's no such thing as bad weather,..., only inappropriate clothing."

(Can you see why I love this book? I plan to keep re-reading it for the rest of my life. It's helped me through some difficult times. I'm reading it for the 8th time, and it's always in my handbag - just in case I find myself in a queue!)
The picture I've just added was taken at Sao Paulo Airport, last year. My strong belief that ANYTHING is possible, saw me going to my dream country representing our school!

Change

I'm living through radical, positive change.

Glistening

Today I was surrounded by some kind of heightened awareness, I can't explain it, but it was like being tuned in to the universe at a different frequency to what I usually am. As the day progressed, different things happened that made the experience more and more intense. Twice today it rained. Earlier, it was while I was walking back from my guitar lesson, and I looked up at it, allowing the raindrops to fall into my eyes, like I've loved doing since I was a child. This evening it rained about an hour ago - I watched it falling on the plants, watched the glistening on the leaves after the rain had stopped, and marvelled at how often in my life, on significant calendar dates, it had rained.

After work today, I drove to my son's school and picked him up for our counselling session. I'm so glad we kept the appointment. The geographical equivalent would be clouds parting and sunshine beaming down. I am grateful for opportunities to engage in dialogue, to address difficult issues and to work towards a solution that ensures no-one loses dignity and everyone has a chance to talk and to listen. Preferably with an open mind and an open heart.

Today I am profoundly moved and humbled by people, their energy, and their potential to embrace change and consciously choose new beginnings.

For the past two nights, it's been me and my old friend, Insomnia. I know tonight I'm going to have a peaceful, dream-filled sleep. Oh, yes!

Rights

Picture: Fortaleza, Brazil (visited last year this time)

In March 2007, I had to have surgery, and in the course of that whole experience, I had to wait for 14 long days for the results of a biopsy. When the results came and I heard that there was no cancer, I promised myself I would live, live, live until I died, and by that I mean drink from the fountain of life, to the very last drop. And so, if I seem to be constantly doing and doing, starting new projects, organising new concerts, setting and working towards new goals, etc, it's all part of that conscious decision I took, to fling myself headlong into life and living. Unapologetically intense, with as few regrets as possible.

I don't want to do anything in half measures, and I suppose that means I push myself quite hard and place high expectations on myself. The choice of who I work closely with, spend time with, bring into my inner circle and of course who I love, is connected to this as well. I really don't see the point in acting like you're going to live forever. If you love someone, you need to do so openly and live your life celebrating that love. Behaving cautiously, like you're waiting for something better to come along, that's ok when you're 16, not when you're a mature adult.

Winding down now, after my gig with Wayne at Food Lover's Market, snacking on Dorito's and chunky cottage cheese, and my usual glass of orange juice.Mmmmm! Tonight was amazing! We had Megan Francis as our guest artist again, and she blew the crowd away with her incredible voice. She's got the kind of style I could listen to all night! Deep, strong voice, ultra-cool, soulful, lives in the moment when she sings, and is definitely someone you'll be hearing a lot more of.

But the most special part of tonight's gig was that three of my second cousins were there, two from my dad's side and one from my mom's. First, there was Derek Ronnie. He and his wife Marlene have been to our gig about three times already, and I'm always happy to see them, they're such an interesting couple. This time, they brought another 2nd cousin of mine, Brian Reisenberg, and his wife Joy, who are visiting from Australia. Had a brief chat with Brian, who told me that he'd had a good connection with my dad when he was a child. Again that energy around my dad. Actually, everytime I see Derek, I think of my dad, because I think the two of them enjoyed a lot of mutual respect. Derek's dad, Uncle Edwin, who died just over a year ago, was a really lovely, special man. Derek and Brian's mothers were sisters, with the surname Rushin, and first cousins of my dad.

The 3rd relative was my 2nd cousin from my mom's side, Oscar Smith. His dad and my mom are first cousins. Oscar was there with his lovely family. Right now I've hit a blank with his wife and son's names (Ursula? -have to edit this post sometime!!!!!), but his daughter is Camy. What a cool family! The children are young adults now and each was there with a partner. Interesting to see them as adults.

Even though I didn't spend a lot of time talking to them all, I felt very special having family members there. I have only one sibling, but she seldom comes to my gigs. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me sad. I am fortunate, though, to have very supportive people in my life.

Musically, tonight's gig was very satisfying. Working with Wayne is one of the most profound parts of my life, for many reasons. He's my guitar teacher, has had a tremendous influence on me musically, especially with my compositions, and I thoroughly enjoy being associated with him. He stands out amongst local musicians because of his unassuming, humble personality, yet I truly believe he's destined for the international market. So, while we still have him in Cape Town, I'll make use of the opportunity to learn as much as I can from this genius. And more than that, he's just a really nice guy, full of integrity.

Recently, in giving me feedback about my concert on the 6th of March, someone commented: "There's too much Wayne Bosch in your songs". I have to smile when I think about it. I know exactly what he means, but it's a journey I'm consciously on. I'm allowing this very strong musical influence into my songs, so that I can experience them this way. The comment came from someone I admire deeply, who got to know my songs when I was performing them solo, in a more folk style. At that time, the niche I enjoyed working in was the poetry audience, where my songs were like poems to music, so my sparse playing suited the situation well. What's happened under Wayne's influence is that most of my songs now fit firmly in the jazz genre, which has its pros and cons.

While I'm on the topic, let me make something clear: I don't regard myself as a jazz singer. I'm a singer. I do some jazz, but I'm not a jazz singer. Cape Town has lots of trained jazz singers, and when you listen to them, you know what a jazz singer is. Which is why - and some people find this hard to accept in its simplicity - I don't feel intimidated by those singers. Firstly, I don't go into a gig situation (or any other situation) feeling a certain way about myself in relation to anyone else. It's not a competition. (Neither is life.) When I sing in public, I do some jazz, some folk, some blues, some pop and my originals, which span all of those genres as well as light rock. It's simple: I'm a singer of songs. I love singing. It makes me happy. It gives my life meaning. Nothing more, nothing less. So, regardless of who walks into my gig, I still have the same approach: I do what I do, and I compare myself only with myself. Maybe you need to have lived through certain experiences to understand that perspective. I can't explain it to someone who's not ready to assimilate it. It's a journey.

Rounding this off on a new day, Human Rights Day in South Africa. A day we remember the Sharpeville Massacre of 21 March 1960, but also a day we think about our post-apartheid democracy and its own realities around human rights.

I've recently been exposed to literature on rights of a more personal nature, in the context of people recovering from extreme dysfunction or abuse, and some of them make me realise just how skewed our own socialisation can be, where we're taught to be nice and good, but the boundaries are not put in place at the same time.

Here are just a few that made a huge impact on me:
1. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
2. I have a right to be angry at someone I love, without fear that I, the person, or the relationship, will dissolve.
3. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.
4. I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgement or any other reason that I choose.

And one that possibly relates best to this post:
I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.

Profound Conversations

This picture was taken at Fogeys Restaurant, in Muizenberg, in 2006. My cousin and best friend, Tracy Abrahamse, and I.

Recently, I've had a few conversations that have brought a couple of very interesting issues to the fore. Last week it was my mechanic, Derek, who said a few things to me, some about my anxiety about buying a new car and some about life, in general. I remember leaving his house with not just a fixed car, but an overwhelming sense of peace. It was one of those occasions where I'd once again felt my dad's presence very strongly. He passed away in Dec 2005. He was one of those fathers who didn't quite know how to connect with his daughters, so he'd always confine the topics to things like my car, my job, of course my children, and then politics! Haha!

On Wednesday, it was a conversation with Wayne, my guitar teacher, that got me pondering assumptions people make about each other, how we automatically assume everyone else is at the same level of personal evolution as we are, and just how wrong we can be, sometimes! I always appreciate his insghts into things, because we approach life from quite different perspectives. I went home questioning myself about something, doubting that I was actually as far along the road towards personal empowerment as I thought I was. I like it when people shake me up like that.

On Thursday evening, it was my best friend, Tracy, who pulled me out of a bit of a stupor I was allowing myself to slide into, reminding me of what my stated goals were. The next day something happened that made me SO glad I'd decided to heed her words. She's busy working her way through the book, Women Who Love Too Much, and it was so cool to hear her take on the very chapters that had rocked me to my roots!!! I read the book towards the end of last year, and some of my recent decisions are directly linked to my (painful)journey through that book. I love our time together, which is not that often, unfortunately. She's one of those consistently supportive people, and what I like most about her is her in-your-face honesty. She'll tell me things that no-one else will, and I rely on her to do just that. Everyone needs at least one friend who tells it like it is. I usually prefer shopping for clothing on my own, but I really enjoy shopping with her, because she again pulls me out of my comfort zone, challenging me to try new things, be a bit more out there. As wacky as I can be sometimes, I'm still a bit conservative in some ways.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of a long, leisurely (or not?!) chat with someone I really like, Gopal Ramasammy-Cook. In Sept 2008, I had a few coaching sessions with him, looking at the career-creative tensions typically experienced by people who work in regular day jobs but have a strong creative element in their lives which could turn into full-time pursuits. I got so much out of the time I spent with him, and opened myself to the challenges he set me. As I said yesterday, some of the lessons are easy to understand intellectually, but applying them successfully and assimilating them into the essence of who you are, that's the part that takes time. I absolutely love talking to him, because he's one of those people who don't rest on their laurels. He's always exploring fresh perspectives, adding novel elements to what he does, and coming up with innovative ways to do what he loves, i.e. helping people through their life's journeys. Check out his website, www.zestware.com and read his fascinating e-book, "Covered in Sun". Look out for his new sessions coming up, and write to him if you'd like to go through some one-on-one life coaching, or even if you just want to find out more about what he does. He's someone I'd highly recommend.

Time to wrap up. Listening to the haunting strains of Laura Fygi singing "Good Morning Heartache". What can I say? Torch songs just do it for me.

www.lavonne.co.za

Just a reminder that all the pictures of my recent concert (last three blog posts) were taken by brilliant Cape Town photographer, LAVONNE BOSMAN. Check out her website to view her beautiful work. She loves working with natural light, and has a bit of a crazy streak in some of her work - I LIKE!!!

More than that, she's unobtrusive at the event, and she has the pics ready within a few days.

Hire her - you won't regret it!!

www.lavonne.co.za

New Beginnings...... Hey! Hey! Hey! (Written Mon. 15/03/10)

Just finished listening to the recording of my recent concert for the first time. MAN, we COOKED!!!! To the people who pitched up on the night, THANK YOU for being such a cool audience, inviting us to get that energy out there! The second CD (2nd set) is definitely much better than the first, for many reasons. What's really amazing to me is the difference between the December concert and this one. I've listened to the December recording over and over again, and I've criticised myself for having been so tentative, for most of the concert, hedging, playing it cautious, still afraid to let go. But in this one, I can hear the different energy in my voice. I know for sure I'm not the same person I was in December, and I'm so glad it shows in my music. Of course, Charles and Wayne made absolute magic, which freed me to take the tunes wherever they needed to go.

I remember saying to my cousin, Tracy, after the show, that I'd felt our energy was a bit flat, and she’d said "NO, not at all! The energy was amazing!" And now I've heard what she heard on the night. Ultra-cool!

My mom, who at age 79 still sings in public (and still sounds beautiful!) was at a show recently, and afterwards she and another singer were chatting. She remarked to him, in general, "Yes, it's good to keep at it. As long as we can criticise ourselves, put in the necessary work, and keep improving." He looked at her incredulously and said, "You mean I have to improve?!"
Well, she's MY mother, so I can only imagine what went through her mind as she flashed him her one-size-fits-all, indulgent stage smile! Heehee!

Today was a nice day. I drove to work in fairly mild traffic, and even if it was heavy, I didn’t notice, and handled it with ease. These days it takes me more than an hour to get to town, and that's a 20km ride. Crazy!

The day had a vibe of its own, and I liked it. Got through my mixture of planned, incidental and procrastinated tasks, and kept reminding myself that it's ok to have music flooding through my entire being, even at school, because that's what actually flows through my veins. Unavoidable, after a weekend like I'd had.

On Saturday afternoon, I did a 4-hour wedding reception gig with guitarist Keith Tabisher (Congrats, Gavin and Jill!!!), and it was food for the soul! The setting was the couple's house, on the outskirts of Kuils River. We sat on a verandah, facing the garden, where the guests were seated under a pretty marquees. If I averted my gaze from the music stand and the people, and looked beyond, all I saw were mountains and fields, endless, pristine, wide open space. Exactly what my soul had been starved of, craving for. And we played, and I sang, and the people enjoyed the music, and the vibe was celebratory, happy, supportive - that kind of wedding thing that can get one feeling quite emotional and vulnerable. Keith was in great spirits, played brilliantly, and I enjoyed making music with him.

The business side went well, too (i.e. we got paid!), and I drove home thanking Mother Nature and all her cronies for conspiring to make my day so beautiful. Drove the 51km (yes!!!) home, where I hopped into a shower, changed my clothing, grabbed my 11-yr-old daughter and her paraphernalia for getting through the evening at "Mom's gig", and made my way to Food Lover's Market, for my evening gig with guitarist Wayne Bosch.

And that went well too. I'd thoroughly enjoyed playing my guitar for the entire afternoon gig, and sort of missed that in the evening, because Wayne generally does all the playing and I focus on the singing. Different energies, neither bad. After working with Wayne in my weekly guitar lessons as well as at the weekly gigs, we've got a nice easy vibe, and he's just the coolest thing since fruit salad (since I'm not into sliced bread, haha!).

And that was that.

Listening to the recording today was a distinct high, which I will take a long, LONG time to come down from. Also, chatting to sound engineer and media fundi, Andre Manuel, who did the recording, about getting my songs onto the internet, was very interesting, and I'm so excited about that next step. It's a big one for me. I am SO ready!

Came home from work just after 6:30pm today, and stuck to my promise, that I would run on Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week. Did the usual neighbourhood trot, 3,5km, and felt a sense of achievement. Trying to be as patient with myself as I am with everyone else. If I put in the hard work, the results will eventually come, no matter what the specifics. It's the same principle in every area of our lives. I have to keep reminding myself of my 2010 motto: Time is my best friend. I've stuck to the run-walk routine since 1 January, and I know my whole life is changing because of my increased fitness. Also good to impose this kind of discipline on myself - it tends to spill over into other areas of my life.

And now, before I go and practise my scales and walking bass lines, some lyrics from one of my songs:
"Music fills my very soul, tears me open, makes me whole, and so I smile, cos it's my favourite time of day".

More pictures of last Saturday's concert

Concert on 6 March 2010 / The Fruit Salad Principle

On Saturday, I did my second concert at Baran's, exactly three months after the first one, again showcasing my originals. I can't say this often enough, but what a breeze working with Wayne and Charles!!! They're not just great musicians, they're really easy-going, relaxed guys, and extremely professional. They know what they're doing, and they look like they're having fun on stage. I included six songs we hadn't done the last time, and that felt good. I also tried some new approaches on the night, most of which worked out well.

The audience was smaller than the last time, but because the restaurant is so cosy, it still felt good. I'd thought of cancelling it the week before, but after weighing up all the pros and cons, I decided against it; I wanted to do the show, for many reasons. I have clear music goals, and I'm on a journey. Because the journey always lasts longer than the reaching of the destination, you need to immerse yourself in it, 100%!

It's what I call the fruit salad principle: about two weeks ago, I took some fruit to the kitchen at work, and stood there making a huge bowl of fruit salad. Different people came into the kitchen and chatted, and eventually we were a group of four women, shooting the breeze about this and that, mainly healthy eating, exercise, weight loss, body image, etc. I took part in the chatter, all the time carrying on peeling, cutting, dicing, (nibbling) and adding one fruit after the other to the growing, fragrant, colourful pile in front of me. One colleague commented, when she saw how long it was taking me, that the break would be over and I would've spent most of it making the salad, not eating it. I said, "It's a philosophy I apply to everything in my life: the journey itself has to be as satisfying as the destination."

At the same time, I must admit I'm struggling to keep focussed and to apply the concept of "There are no problems, only opportunities." I intrinsically believe it, and it's helped me through many rough patches, but the one I'm going through now is testing me on many, many fronts. My teenaged son decided to stay with his dad, and hasn't been living with me since just after mid-January. I've experienced many things, but this is the hardest, by far. Harder than divorce, harder than a miscarriage, harder than losing a business. The cruellest irony of my life. But it doesn't end there: three weeks ago, a 7-year relationship came to an end, last week my washing machine broke, and today, my car; my daughter's got tonsilitis and I came home today with such red eyes, I think I may have picked up conjunctivitis.

Right now, it all just feels a bit too much. I believe I do possess the tools to handle all these issues - I just can't seem to find the toolshed!

There is a wonderful Mind Power exercise that we're advised to do just before falling asleep, because it involves connecting with your subconscious mind and your intuition, as you slip from a state of wakefulness into sleep. There are a few steps:
1. You contemplate the fact that you have a subconscious mind, and that it has access to all kinds of knowledge and power, tapped into universes we can't even fathom. The idea is to step out of the intellectual realm (where we keep hitting obstacles, barriers) and into the emotional one, where there's a conviction that defies logic.
2. You state clearly what you want from your subconscious mind - "answers, solutions, insights". You then affirm that you have already achieved your goal/found your answer, thanks to your subconscious mind. You repeat, at least ten times, "My subconscious is now bringing me...".
3. You give yourself over to sleep, fully relaxed and confident that everything will unfold as it should, that the answers will come.
4. You then relax in faith, fully expecting the answers to come. At this stage you're working with faith as an energy vibration. "These vibrations will attract the appropriate solutions and answers, just like a magnet attracts metal filings. A mind that vibrates with the belief that answers are coming to it, naturally draws those answers. If you had the correct... solution, imagine how you would feel: excited, overjoyed, relieved. Feel those sensations now. Let your mind play with those emotions in a relaxed way. Drop off to sleep with the assurance that the answers are soon to be yours."
You then have to be vigilant for the answers when they come - could be in the form of a hunch, a dream, a sudden brainwave, your inner voice, or some other way. With practice, it becomes easier to recognise/identify the messages. John Kehoe, from whose book, "Mind Power into the 21st Century" I've quoted in this post, says we'll know when an idea has been sent by our subconscious mind by the feeling we have when we get the idea - the "exhilaration, the certainty, the overpowering sense that 'this is it!'".

(Amazingly, just as I was typing the previous paragraph, in this edited version of this post , the Michael Jackson song, "This Is It" started playing on tv! I suppose now that I've shared this exercise with you, I owe it to myself to apply it properly and LIVE IT!)

Now that I'm alone, I've gone back to doing more of the Mind Power exercises more regularly. I like this exercise. I fall asleep this way every night. The solutions will come. They always do.

Time is my best friend.

Now to try, round 2, to upload pics of Saturday's concert.

Charcoal Finish

Stats update:
Blog views: 410 (my daughter always says to me, when I'm checking the stats: "Remember, Mom, that includes every time YOU go onto your blog, as well." Ja-ja!
Facebook friends: 147.

I haven't blogged in a while. SO much has been happening, and life just continues to be a non-stop, fascinating, convoluted, exhilarating ride. I wake up every morning feeling a sense of wonder that I've been given another day, a whole new chance to go out there and make a difference, somehow. As the old Sunday School chorus goes, "... you in your small corner, and I in mine."

Interesting to hear how people perceive us, and how spot-on they can be. Today, some light-hearted banter at work/school about which room people on the staff would choose for a secret lovers' tryst. The consensus was that I'd choose the Learning Centre (library), because there were books there! Hahahahaha!

It's a good thing to keep your professional and private lives separate. A very good thing! Man, it's a good thing!

When I started the affirmation, "I'm living through radical, positive change", about two and a half years ago, I really had no idea life would deal me some of the cards it has. Right now, I'm going through something so radical, it has the potential to undermine and railroad everything I'm succeeding at. But, because I sincerely believe it will eventually have a strongly positive outcome, I've made a conscious choice to keep on keeping on, and not to lose sight of any of my goals.

Many years ago, I had a lovely landlord, old Mr Bloemetje (sic), who, when he heard that I was putting myself through university in the evenings, doing two courses a year, called me a "steady plodder". He was right. I can work my way towards something, bit by tiny bit. It works for me. On the 1st of January this year, I started an exercise regime, after about a decade of inactivity. Yesterday I felt so good, because I'd completed two months of it! On Saturday I went to buy myself some clothes, and discovered I'd dropped a clothing size! The scale doesn't look that different (lost 2kg in 2 months), but I feel so good! And to me that's more important than the numbers. (Of course, when the weight is down 5kg, you'll hear all about it!!). What works for me is not to compare myself with others, but to compare myself with myself; that way I can measure my progress over time. Hence my 2010 motto: Time is my best friend.

Listening to the recording of my last concert at Baran's. Another area where life has changed so radically for me. I'm consciously going about my music journey spreading myself across the different aspects of the industry: the marketing, planning, negotiating, etc. as well as the learning, composing, practising and performing. I'm 48, and music is my passion, but at some stage I'll probably take a backseat and work on developing younger performers. The more I learn now, the more I'll be able to teach them when that time comes. And actually, it's already started. I love bringing young artists onto programmes I work on, because I recognise the fire in their eyes, and I know a bit about what's in their hearts.

So, back to the recording. At first, I used to like the second half more, but now I prefer the first half. My two favourites on that CD are "My Favourite Time of Day" and "Write Another Ending". The first one is a bossanova, played to perfection by Wayne Bosch in his inimitable way. Singing to his accompaniment is indescribably satisfying. I don't need to play, I just need to sing, because his sound is so full and phenomenal. (When I raved to a friend after my first guitar lesson with Wayne, in 2008, he said, "Ah! I see you've encountered The Bosch Phenomenon!") Indeed.
The second one is a loose ballad, out of time for the verse, moving into a serious groove for the chorus. I like the way he interprets what I write and adds dimensions I could never have dreamt of.

In five days' time, I do my next dinner concert of originals at Baran's, once again with Wayne and Charles. At this stage, ticket sales are not going well, and I'm pulling out all the stops with additional marketing. Took posters around town again today, and placed ads in late-week newspaper gig guides. Need to do some radio stations tonight (on-line).

On Saturday my daughter and I went to Canal Walk (shopping centre), and had our photos taken at a booth. We opted for the charcoal finish for the picture of the two of us, and when we saw the finished product, we kept looking at in disbelief, saying, "Yor!" ...... "Yor!!!!"........"Yor!". She's a redhead with blue eyes and I'm a brunette with brown eyes, but in the charcoal drawing, the resemblance that everyone comments on is striking.

Imagine if everyone in South Africa (and the world!) saw everyone else in charcoal finish for one whole day. That would take care of a lot of the ridiculous divisions we imagine exist.