Redefining

Picture: Sunset in Mitchells Plain, taken from a friend's car, in January 2011.

Caught up in another insomnia episode. Listening to old Stevie Wonder love songs. Not sure if it's the songs themselves or the fact that I know every note of the music from my childhood (Songs In The Key Of Life), but I find this particular music perfect for me when I'm like this - soothing, reassuring, familiar.

Let's face it, you get insomnia and insomnia. This kind I could do without, because it entails some kind of heartache, and I don't feel energised to create. Earlier, I played guitar, tried out some fresh material for my gig on Thursday.

Okay, let me write about that.

Last week, I started a solo gig at a lovely little place in Woodstock, a suburb close to Cape Town's city centre, called Don Pedro's. It's one of those cosy little unpretentious late-night haunts, popular over the years with - am I allowed to say this? - lefty and arty types. :-) I played two sets, and wow, what an experience! Strange for me, after having performed in duo format for so long. Even stranger to my friends that I was so nervous, because they've heard me doing solo performances over the years.

Looking at it philosphically, I see it as another aspect of the bigger process I'm putting myself through, i.e. redefining myself. It's no coincidence that I got offered the weekly solo slot now - in fact, I strongly believe it's synchronicity at work. I am willing these things into my life, and - for once - opening myself to "unusual" offers and giving myself the benefit of the doubt.

I absolutely love working in a duo with a second (more accomplished) guitarist, because the accompaniment is fuller and better, and I feel a freedom in my singing that I struggle to achieve on my own. To overcome that, I've started practising for at least an hour every day, with this solo gig in mind. I need to nail this, as it's another step along my journey. What made me feel very good was the positive response I got when I shared the news of the gig with my two main guitarists, Keith and Wayne. That made me feel good. Both of them know me well, and they can appreciate what a big step this is for me.

Now listening to Rod Stewart singing jazz ballads with a big band. Strange voice, but it's grown on me. There's something about raspy voices that I like. Steve Tyrell. Elvis Costello. Louis Armstrong! And let's not forget the Big Daddy of the sexy rasp - Kurt Elling. Oooh!

"These Foolish Things" playing now. I had a lot of fun with Keith at our last gig when we played this, a recent addition to my repertoire, because I kept singing (away from the mic.) the little riff Rod Stewart's band plays between phrases - corny, but catchy. :-)

Back to the solo gig. In a solo performance, you can imagine, there's no place to hide. I am responsible for not just the singing (my stronger skill), but also the guitar playing. Very different to playing as the second guitarist. But it went quite well, and, like so many other stressful experiences, it was over before I knew it. Next time, I'll be a lot better prepared, because now I have a feel for the place, the proximity of the audience, and just the broad scope I have when choosing from my wide selection of songs. Working on introductions and endings, because - as I said - there's no place to hide! Haha! In the duos, I often don't play on intros and endings. A nice challenge for me. Well-timed.

Hoping the other gig comes through, as well. Having one solo and one duo gig per week would be fantastic!

Last week, I did something I should probably have done years ago - I contacted music agents! Did it over a few days, first searching on the 'net, jotting down contact names and telephone numbers, calling the ones I liked and then e-mailing them the info they requested.

Interesting, this whole redefining process. My daughter is in her final year at primary school, so we're busy applying to high schools, and there's a lot of paperwork to fill out. I'm busy re-learning that the way we articulate who we are, is very important, so I told her not to write that I was "unemployed", but that I was "self-employed". "As what?", she asked. "As a Musician and a Language Practitioner", I replied. She hesitated, asking if I didn't want to say Music Teacher, and I said that that didn't cover the gigs and concerts. Eventually she wrote it down, but I could see her reluctance. Redefining can be confusing to us, ourselves, so imagine how much more for our loved ones.

And now, thankfully, at 03:11, I am finally yawning and happy to go to sleep.

Allow me to leave you with this question: how do you articulate who you are and what you're about? Do you use negative, self-deprecating terms which keep you stuck in a rut, and which leave no possibility for growth? For the next few days, listen to what you say to others (and yourself) about yourself. Who's really holding you back?

As I end this post, Rod Stewart aptly sings another of my favourite songs, "That's All".