Utterly amazed

Today was amazing - I had my 5th life coaching session with Inez, spent about 2 hours tackling some clutter in my house (yes, Operation Unclutter is still alive and kicking!) and went for a 70-minute walk with my best friend. I'm so proud of our walking regime! I think we must've spent the past four years talking about walking for exercise, and here we are, in our third consecutive month, walking briskly for just over an hour at a time. In a good week, we manage three walks, and she usually does a long weekend one. My alternative is swimming, something I hadn't done for the whole of February! On Saturday, I went down to the gym and got into the pool! How does one describe that feeling of utter relief and bliss? It reminded me of the first time my jeans fitted me after I'd had my baby - ooh, the sensuality of that well-worn denim against my skin....! Slipping into the water, I felt like I'd come home! Maybe in a former life I was a water creature. Haha - I'm definitely one now!
All I know is, when I'm submerged in water, I believe, with every cell in my body, that absolutely anything is possible.

I love swimming underwater, and I start every length with a few underwater strokes, way down at the bottom of the pool. When I've got enough breath stored up, I can do ten strokes before my lungs feel they want to burst, and then I make my way to the surface, happy to reach the top and to swim the rest of the length like a normal person. We can all pretend, can't we? Haha! And then it's time to swim back and I just can't resist going underwater again. When I'm tired, I can only manage 5 or 6 strokes before I have to surface, but that's ok. Just having been at the bottom makes my heart pound with excitement. I was hoping to do 50 lengths, my current best, but at 38 lengths my calves felt like they were going to cramp, so I slowly swam two more. What can I say? I'm Virgo, and we like round figures, symmetry. So 40 was what I achieved. Had the sauna to myself, then hopped onto the scale - numbers moving in the desired direction. Last year one of my mottos was "Time is my best friend". With regular exercise and a more sensible approach to the rest of my life, time is definitely my best friend. Nice to watch the progress.

One of the things I'm becoming aware of, at this intense, challenging time, is how much clearer certain things are becoming. As I make my way through each day of this unusual time of my life, I'm becoming much better at identifying what's good and what's not good for me. More importantly, I'm learning how to articulate it. Even more significantly, I'm not trying to please anyone with my choices. It's taken me almost half a century to get that right - I'll be 50 in 6 months' time! It ends up being a process of elimination, and what a liberating experience it is.

One of the sobering realities that emerged in my session today was how, even 5 sessions into the process, I still find myself indulging in my old habit of self-sabotage! I suppose it's been years and years of that pattern/habit, and I've mastered the art by now. I even find noble ways of distracting myself, just so that I don't do what I'm supposed to be doing. Gopal Ramasammy-Cook, another brilliant life coach, was the first person who exposed me to the phrase "fear of success" - something I think many of us carry around, in the form of one of those monkeys on our backs.

And so I continue my journey. This week's certainly had its challenges, and some things are still unresolved. But so many other things are going well, and so many possibilities exist.

Today I give thanks for my best friend and my life coach, for my children and my mom, for people who've come into my life and acknowledged my skills and experience, and have given me projects to work on. I give thanks for the lessons I learn every single day. I give thanks for past failures and what they've taught me. I give thanks for past partners, for what we shared and what I learnt.

But most of all, I give thanks for today, for tomorrow, and for all the tomorrows to come. Things are evolving organically, and I am utterly amazed at how life is unfolding!