Wading

Written 08 April 2013

Wading through the quagmire: that’s how I feel about the daily grind, the mundane-but-necessary (?) functions we have to perform, as we go about this thing called life. It feels like it’s becoming harder to reconcile the disparate parts of myself. It’s as though the gap between the left and right brain sides of me, which used to co-exist fairly peacefully, is widening, to the point where the middle expanse of desert has become so vast that it renders the extremes practically non-existent. 

Given the choice, what would most people do with their lives? We often say we wouldn’t work, that we’d just pursue pleasure. I’m not so sure about that. I like being busy. I like it when I’m working on a project. I love planning something, an event, collaboration between artists, that kind of thing. I love being around interesting, creative people, not necessarily artists, although I must admit the attraction is inevitable and immediate. I love pushing myself beyond my previous limits.

I’m living between the bullet points of yet another To Do list, stuck after point 1. This is in relation to the four songs I recorded in July last year, with Wayne Bosch. I naïvely thought I’d get the tracks, tick off point one on the list, then neatly work my way through the other points: tick, tick, tick, tick…. But it was not to be. And while I’m acutely aware that this experience was probably meant to be, that I’m learning valuable lessons as I go along, I’m still a bit annoyed – at no-one in particular – that there’s yet another delay, especially one that feels avoidable. You can’t rush the realisation of your dream. You can’t rush any of the steps along the way, and you have to know when to apply brakes and defer the launch. Had I trusted my instincts – in July last year, I heard the flaws clearly – I might have redone the recording before Wayne left Cape Town. But still, something tells me, as corny as it sounds, that everything is exactly as it’s meant to be.  Time will tell.

I just need to proceed with gentleness, LIVE my truth consciously - every moment of every day - and allow for all the perfect elements to gravitate towards each other, blend harmoniously, and produce a solution that restores my smile.

So, as I resume my role as an English language educator, I know that once again I run the risk of being swallowed up by the minutiae, the learner outcomes, the inescapable and relentless admin, and I wonder how I continue to justify this chameleon existence. I think one of my biggest escapes is my ability to go inside my head and live my preferred reality there, the theory being that, if you focus long enough on what you want, and put a lot of your time and energy into getting there, you will attract it. Just a theory? 

Time will tell.