Gratitude - 26 Sept 2024

Right now, I want to write about how deeply grateful I am. Sometimes, because life often keeps one focussed on what's not going well, I need to remind myself to spend a few moments allowing feelings of gratitude to flood my being. A ritual I started, a few months ago, was setting a daily alarm for 11:11,  as a reminder to have a short gratitude session. 

It started when I realised that my attention was coincidentally being drawn to my phone at 11:11 for a few days in a row. I'd heard that it was a special number, so seeing it always made me smile. On days it didn't happen, I was really disappointed. I decided that, instead of hoping I'd see it, I would make sure I did, by setting an alarm. And this is what I do every day. Sometimes I'm teaching when it goes off. While I'm switching it off, I mentally go through  a few things I'm grateful for. I've told my students about it.    

I won't lie - at the start of this short school holiday, I was filled with the physical and psychological tension of the previous term, and feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. Bear in mind that I'm working in a system I last worked in twelve years ago. Since then, I've lectured in the college sector, worked in the corporate sector, done some research for an NPO, and taught matric English to adults. 

But here I am -  teaching at a high school once again.  

I am grateful that I have a job, and all that it makes possible. It's at a well-run school, close to where I live, it's in my field of qualification, and I'm teaching two subjects I thoroughly enjoy. I have some really cool colleagues, and I enjoy my time with the children - in both groups, I have encountered amazing people who've added something to my life, in one way or another. Unlike at some places where I've worked, this school's salary payment system is reliable, which gives me stability and peace of mind, enabling me to plan my budget and honour my commitments.   

I'm grateful for my family: my mom, my children and their partners, my sister and her family, and all my cousins and second cousins, near and far.  My children, now adults, are the most precious people in my life. I regard them as a blessing, and give thanks for them every day.  

I'm grateful for my friends - some I see often, many I don't. Some I'm in regular contact with, and others, not. I have a handful of close friends who know what's happening in my life, and who're there for me, in my corner. I love them and am very lucky to have them in my life. 

I'm grateful for my home. It's tiny, it's been my home for only three months, I couldn't fit all my things in here, but it's home. I can close my door and have the privacy and solitude I so enjoy. There's a garden outside, with trees, which gives me a sense of calm and peace.     

I'm grateful for my car, which I've had for eight years; it affords me my freedom and my independence.  

I'm grateful for so many things - being able to play a guitar and write and sing songs, being able to knit and crochet, creating all kinds of pretty and functional things. I'm extremely grateful for my health and the things it makes possible.

I'm grateful that I never give up. I'm grateful that meditation gives me a sense of perspective on my life, with the clarity and patience I need, when I need them most.  

I'm grateful that, when life sends me yet another difficult set of circumstances, I'm able to draw on my previous experiences and somehow manage to wade through the tough parts and survive.

I'm grateful that I've reached a level of maturity where I know for sure that life is not a competition, and that all I need to be is myself, regardless of who does or does not like me. I'm grateful that deep down I know I'll be okay, no matter what.  

I'm grateful for choices I've made, and for my current lifestyle, While it may be simple and frugal, without the trappings people might expect me to have,  I actually have everything I need. 

For all of the above, and so much more, I can only be absolutely and utterly grateful.  

  

The lull after the storm - Sept 2024

There is a period during every school term that is so stressful, I fear I might collapse from exhaustion – the weeks we spend marking the term’s assessments.  Fortunately, the term has ended and we're on a much-needed break. As usual, I have a list of what I want to achieve during this holiday, but, given that it's just ten days long, I'll keep an open mind.  

Stepping back and looking at my current lifestyle, I have to be honest - that much-desired balance, which I've sometimes come fairly close to attaining, is nowhere in sight. My job has taken over my life, and I've had to relegate what makes me happy to the sidelines. I seldom have the time or energy to pursue my hobbies. Only I know whether this is sustainable or not. Only I can decide on the nature of the changes I need. I'll use this short break to process things and commit to a course of action. One way or the other, something’s got to change.

Speaking of change, I've been living in my flatlet for three months, now.  Some things have worked out well, and others not. On the one hand, my landlord has made some changes, to make the space more efficient, which I really appreciate. On the other, my fibre company no longer offered my original package, so I'm paying more than I used to. For now, I’ll leave things as they are. When I get my next wave of energy to tackle non-urgent things, I’ll attend to that matter. 

I've realised that one of my coping mechanisms is to deal with urgent matters, and to keep lists of the other things, with a view to getting around to them when I can. And I find myself getting really annoyed with people who press me for things that are not urgent. I will get around to those when I can.  

I also find that my methodical way of doing things generally takes longer than the time allocated, and I’m constantly running out of time. I’m a process person, and not a rush-to-the-finish-line person, and the world shouts at me to be the latter. In order to cope, I constantly re-evaluate choices that don’t work out, and try new ways of doing things. Right now, I’m doing what feels like the most workable for me. I sometimes get criticised for my methods, but quite honestly, when I get advice from someone whose own methods don’t inspire me, I simply stick to my own.

At some stage, I had a work-play balance that satisfied me. Having personal time outside of my work time - to be with my family, to crochet, play music, dance, and occasionally see a friend socially – gave me a sense of “all’s right with my world”.  As a creative person, that fuels me. I need discretionary time, in which to make authentic choices. The more discretionary time I have, the higher my level of creative output. The more time I spend plodding through externally imposed responsibilities, the less creative I am, the less I feel like myself, and the less effective I am at everything I do.

So, as I spend the second day of my holiday catching up with housework, as well as finally getting down to crocheting (I’ve missed it!!!!), I already know that these ten days are going to fly by, and that I need to prioritise what’s important to me. I have a few unfinished craft projects to attend to, and I actually want to reorganise the furniture in my flatlet – something’s still not working. It’s only during a school break that I can do justice to this type of thing.

Music

I’ve done a few once-off performances, recently – at a panel discussion on our new government’s gender policies, and at a screening of a short documentary on forced removals in Cape Town, which was a District Six Museum initiative.  

The music season has started, and I have two definite gigs booked. I really miss being musically active. There were some years I did over 50 gigs.      

A few days ago, after all my marking was done, I got involved in a short-term music project which I was invited to. I’m not allowed to give details yet, but I will do in future. Really exciting. Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Nature

As our seasons change from the starkness of winter to the softness and colourfulness of spring, there’s so much to photograph. I’ll take pics whenever possible. Nature is, as usual, one of my biggest sources of inspiration.

The other day, someone sent me an article entitled, Nature is not God. I didn’t read it. I’m not interested in religious views that focus on the one-upmanship of who’s going to heaven and who’s not, by virtue of the randomness of the family you’re born into. In fact, I strongly reject that. I’m also sick of the inherent Islamophobia that is part of that package. If you don’t see yourself as part of humankind, but a privileged sub-sector destined for an after-life promised to a select few, we definitely don't have the same view of spirituality. Different WhatsApp group.   

When I think of how much of this blog post I ended up censoring, I can see I'm not the Trudy I want to be, right now.   

Time will tell.