When you’re absolutely ready

Today marks Day 7 of a 30-day Reboot healthy eating programme I embarked on, along with about 15 others, under the guidance of Chantel Erfort Manuel.

Throughout 2017, I observed as Chantel steadily lost weight, the result of significant lifestyle changes (diet and exercise) she had made. Everytime I saw her, or saw photos of her on Facebook, I commented that I was inspired by her.

Towards the end of last year, on 30 October, I started working through The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, a book I’ve referred to in recent blog posts. Through the exercises in the book, I developed a feeling of urgency about changing the areas of my life where I felt stuck. My physical condition was just one of them. I contacted Chantel and told her I wanted to start the journey she had taken, and she informed me that she’d be doing a 30-day reboot programme, which she would invite others to join. We started on Monday, 8 January, and I am officially on my way.

I won’t write too much about that, right now, although it’s so exciting, I could talk about it for hours.

What I want to write about is readiness. I have come to the conclusion that we can make certain decisions in life only when we are ready. Absolutely ready. You can leave a toxic work environment only when you are absolutely ready. Until then, you’ll complain and complain, but you’ll stay put. You can sever ties with a partner who makes you unhappy, only when you are absolutely ready. Until such time, you might complain to your close friends, you might even break up a couple of times, but only when you are completely ready to go through the pain of a break-up and walk into a new, unknown, scary future, will you actually leave. It’s the same with platonic friendships, which can also become unhealthy, for various reasons. You might put up with someone’s inappropriateness, disrespect, lack of support, or shallowness, for many, many years, but when you are ready, you will find the strength to walk away.

Being absolutely ready to break a pattern in your life means you fully understand that it no longer serves your best interests, and that it is, in fact, holding you back, preventing you from thriving. You know that the road ahead is unfamiliar, and you know that you might fail, but you so badly want to break with the past, that you take a leap of faith, knowing, in a way that you often can’t put into words, that this is RIGHT for you.

I am 56 years old, and I have changed the course of my life many times, each time knowing that I had outgrown the former course. And you know what? I don’t have a single regret about any of those decisions. Now that’s a good feeling. And you know what happens when you make changes in your life that turn out to be the best things you could’ve done? You start to know yourself, and - even better - trust yourself.

In 1985, I decided to stop eating red meat. In +-1990, I decided to stop going to church. In 2011, I decided never to drink anything alcoholic again (I wasn’t such a big fan anyway). In 1992, 2000 and 2011, I left serious relationships that had turned out to be stifling and wrong for me.

In 1996, I left my first job, as a primary school teacher, after 14 years. In 1999 I did a TEFL course and discovered a teaching methodology and industry that fascinated me and was to shake up my world for a total of ten years. I met amazing people from all over the world, as well as very special teachers, and I’m still friends with many of them today. Departing from my former occupation and lifestyle opened up my life in wonderful ways.

Life took some unexpected turns, and I found myself returning to teaching in the state sector, which was not something I thought I’d ever do. Then it was back into TEFL, but retrenched after almost 3 years. Ouch! Rug pulled out from under my feet! In 2011 and 2012, I did short stints as a substitute lecturer at a college, which eventually led to my accepting a permanent post there, a year later. However, after 3 years and a bit, the restlessness returned, and it was time to move. This time, I didn’t change just teaching posts – I changed careers. And that, at age 54!

I’ve grown to appreciate that this is a personality type, and that, for many people like me, it’s not at all how we were raised. But it’s who you essentially are that ultimately pushes through – regardless of your socialisation. Live your truth, figure things out as you go along, don’t be scared to change your mind, be unapologetically yourself, take calculated risks. Not easy, but oh so doable.

Which brings me back to the 30-day reboot challenge. Unlike other times when I’ve gone on diets, I have a completely different set of goals, this time. This is about so much more than losing weight: it is an investment in myself, an investment in a healthier life in my 60s, 70s, etc.

These are some of my thoughts, 7 days into the programme:

1.    I enjoy everything I eat.

2.    I am not missing any of the carbs I thought I couldn’t live without.

3.    I have a feeling of excitement about life.

4.    I am happier and lighter in spirit.

5.  I am becoming more organised in other parts of my life, as a result of having to be so organised with my meals.

6.   Eating in such a disciplined way has reminded me that I am capable of being extremely disciplined, and I am dancing regularly again.

7.    I am on a Whatsapp support group with the others on our programme, and on a Facebook support group with people from all over, who are on various weight-loss and fitness programmes -  these people inspire me immensely.

8.  The person coaching us through the journey lost 33kg in one year, through sheer discipline, determination, and with the support of her loved ones. Her success inspires and motivates me.

9.   Today I rediscovered something about myself: I am intensely motivated to succeed by something really strange - someone’s belief that I will fail! Haha!

10.  And lastly, I would like to eventually inspire others to take the same journey towards a healthier lifestyle, just like Chantel inspired – and continues to inspire - me.

I have 23 more days on this programme, and I would like to lose at least 3kg in the 30 days. And what will I do after the 30 days? I’ll know when I get there. All I know is, I’m in it for the long haul. This is about my quality of life.

Like I’ve said before: I’m alive, so I might as well be very alive!

The passage of time

My last official day of holiday. I could never understand why people said that kind of thing, before, but now I do: I would’ve been home for the weekend anyway, so the last two days of my leave aren’t really leave days.

Recently, I’ve found myself waking up with a feeling of dismay at the passage of time. So weird! I don’t know if it’s an omen, or just part of the Standard Middle-Aged Package. Of course, by the time I get out of bed, I have a mental To Do list and I’m up, up and away. But the next morning, the feeling is back again. A close friend who died in 1984, at the tender age of 24, described surfing to me. He tried so hard to get me to move from being curious about it to actually learning to surf, and he died before I’d taken the plunge. He told me to close my eyes and imagine myself standing barefooted on a very slippery surface, cool to the touch, that was moving at an immense speed over which I had no control. That’s how I feel about life, right now.

About three years ago, I read the book, Quiet, by Susan Cain; the by-line is ‘’The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking’’. She deals with, amongst a host of other things, our personalities, our peculiarities, what we contribute to group situations, and our preferred ways of going through any activity. I finally learnt to fully accept myself, while reading that book. I’d always known that I abhorred superficiality, but I finally understood that the reflective style of my journalling and blogging was about not wanting anything I’d experienced to go by undocumented. Of course, this style of living can be extremely frustrating, because life is just too busy for everything to be documented – but that’s part of my Trudy dilemma. I have a hunger for life, for experiences that feed my soul, but I have an unslakeable thirst for recording and reflecting on those experiences, as though living life is somehow incomplete without a written record of it. It’s like a more cerebral version of the modern-speak expression, “Selfie, or it didn’t happen.”

In the book I’m working through at the moment, The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron deals with the topic of perfectionism, in Week 8 of a 12-week course in rediscovering your artist self.  She writes about how we’re so steeped in the mindset that things have to be perfect, in order to exist at all, that many of us simply don’t produce anything – we’re in fact paralysed by our belief in ‘’100% or don’t bother’’. I reflected on how, despite my raising my kids with an encouraging philosophy of “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing”, I myself am guilty of this quest for perfectionism. The day I read that section of the book, I posted a video of a recent performance on Facebook. I didn’t care how many people viewed it, I was just ready to put it out there, even though it wasn’t perfect. And it felt good. It felt like a celebration of my art. 

In the latter half of 2017, I was given a new set of responsibilities at work. It took me two months of grappling with whether I was good enough or not, to finally be at peace with the new role - which I’d actually been doing, during the two months of grappling! What was the turning point? Accepting that no-one (besides me) was expecting me to be perfect at it, and that it would be an interesting new skill set that I would acquire, over time. Once I understood that it was a process, pretty much like everything else in life, I exhaled, and found my peace.

So maybe that’s how I should deal with my morning dread about how quickly life is passing me by – and I suppose I do so already – and that is to yield to the aspects that are out of my control, like the fast-moving ocean beneath a surfer’s feet, and immerse myself in the beauty and joy that are all around me, waiting for me to live every day of my life to the fullest. Even though I haven’t tried surfing yet, that curiosity has never left me. Maybe, in my life, the call of the ocean is not merely symbolic.

I will continue to live with all my senses at full alert, taking in the many sights, sounds, tastes, smells, feels and other-sensory stimuli all around me. And when I find time, write. 

Because that’s how I make sense of it all.

                               South African (Capetonian) surfing champion, Cass Collier.

   

When ignorance is NOT bliss

Don’t ask someone suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease a string of questions, like you’re quizzing them, and then look pleased with yourself when they answer one or two correctly. It’s not about you. Would you ask a quadriplegic: "Can you lift your left arm? And your right arm? And your left leg? Ok, and your right one?"

And don’t say, when the person replies, in response to your questions, that she has forgotten all about the family history, “Oh?! But you just told me all of that information a few minutes ago!” as though you’ve won some kind of competition.

You don’t understand the condition, you have no idea how your response humiliates the person, and you should rather shut the f**k up, go and read up about the condition, and THEN try, the next time you see the person, to behave like a decent, compassionate human being!

I can fully understand why families might not want to take a loved one with Alzheimer’s into a social setting. 

                              **************************************************

This link shows a concise explanation, in animated form, of what Alzheimer's Disease is:

http://onlinehealth.wiki/mind/animation-what-alzheimers-disease-looks-like  

''The Artist's Way", by Julia Cameron - Week 6

The title of Week 6 is "Recovering a Sense of Abundance". Like the preceding chapters, this one is a combination of thought-provoking text and some tasks/exercises.

The writer deals with the beliefs we have about abundance, and recommends certain activities, to address these beliefs and to start expelling the unhealthy ones that serve only to keep us stuck. She encourages the reader to introduce certain practices into her life, to shift her relationship with the concept of abundance. I like the fact that the practices are accessible, and not outlandish. I think that's a large part of the book's appeal. You feel comfortable tackling the tasks, and, if you're like me, you believe that you will experience some kind of shift in your life.

I have to add something, here: there's a lot in this book that is not new to me, as many of the topics feature in other literature on personal development. Having done the Mind Power course in 2003, worked with two life coaches, read a lot of books and articles, and listened to many motivational talks, live and online, a lot of this rhetoric is familiar. But you know what? We may permanently assimilate some of the teachings we're exposed to, but it's normal to run out of steam, and to need reminding of others. One of the things I like about this type of thing is that I can never have too many reminders. And I like encountering the same concepts in the words of a new author/speaker.

I've noticed that I realise how much I've changed, only when confronted with either a person or a situation I've dealt with in the past. Sometimes I actually get verbal feedback about how different I am, but most of the time I'm just acutely aware it. One's life experiences also change one. I'm less gullible, less idealistic (in some ways), but unfortunately also a lot less trusting.

One of the many ways in which I've changed is I'm a lot less likely to put myself down in my speech. I often used to say, "With my kind of luck", followed by a negative outcome. I don't say those kinds of things anymore. I don't say self-deprecating things about my body, anymore. If I'm not happy with my body, I do something about it. I have no intention of adding to the negative feedback about my looks that I've received from various parties, throughout my life. I reject that shit. It's abusive, and it serves to keep women subjugated, believing they're not good enough. Affirmations played - and still do - a huge role in that shift in me. Fourteen years later, I still do the Mind Power exercises - they work for me. They include affirmations, acknowledgement, contemplation and visualisation. There's also a technique of catching yourself in a negative thought and replacing the thought with a new one. You can train yourself to stop self-sabotaging. Another change I consciously made in my life, fourteen years ago, was to try hard not to get sucked into gossip - to me there are more beautiful things to talk about, and more interesting ways to spend time. I physically remove myself, when there's gossip. I've smallened (one of my made-up words) my circle of friends because of this.

To supplement my reading of Chapter 6, I listened to a talk by the dynamic Lisa Nichols, on Abundance, and what she said struck me: ''Wealth is about money and possessions, but abundance is a 360 experience.'' And she talks about the many people she knows who have the former but not the later. I've seen this for myself. I don't know why, but we make the mistake of thinking that the people who earn more money, drive fancy cars and wear expensive clothes have somehow got it all sorted, they've ''arrived'', they're on a higher level of awareness. Nope! They just have more money. Plus all the things that money can buy. There are many, many wise people around, earning minimum wages, because they could not complete their schooling, or because they never had the opportunities in life that others did. They just have less money. Plus all the hardship and pain that come with it.

See what happens when you read Chapter Six? 

I need Chapter 6. Like so many people, I was raised with statements like, "Money is the source of all evil'',  and even though you're not aware of it, you grow up incorporating that into your belief system. Lisa Nichols says there are three things we need to learn about money: ''How to earn it, How to keep it, and How to grow it''. I had to learn, over many years, that debt per se was not evil, because you could have No debt, Good debt or Bad debt. I never learnt those things, as a child. But I'm consciously teaching them to my children. And the best way to teach our children anything is to live the behavior.  Children don't learn from what we say - they learn from what we do.

I need to end this post, so let me do so with a quiz from Chapter 6 of  ''The Artist's Way'' that helps you find out about your own beliefs about money:

• People with money are……..
• Money makes people…….
• I’d have more money if……
• My dad thought money was…..
• My mom always thought money would…..
• In my family, money caused…..
• Money equals…..
• If I had money, I’d…..
• If I could afford it, I’d…..
• If I had some money, I’d…..
• I’m afraid that if I had money I would…..
• Money is…..
• Money causes…..
• Having money is not…..
• In order to have more money, I’d need to…..
• When I have money, I usually…..
• I think money…..
• If I weren’t so cheap I’d…..
• People think money…..
• Being broke tells me…..

For the record, the issue of abundance, as acknowledged by Julia Cameron, is about so much more than money, but money is an area of abundance that many people struggle with. This chapter really helps one reflect and question one's own assumptions and blockages.

                             

I've long believed that this journey of life is wonderful, and I will drink every drop if it while I have it. I'm consciously allowing life to smooth out my rough edges and to sharpen my blunt instincts.

Multi-Me

I think one lifetime is way too short to do all the things I'd like to do. There are so many sides of me that yearn for expression, for outlet. Sitting at a desk for almost 8 hours a day not only uses up very little of my body's movement capacity, but also uses up very little of my skill set.

My restless spirit yearns for a smorgasbord of multi-sensory experiences - colour, texture, taste, sound, ........

My dream job is actually a few jobs:
1. Music (performing, composing, recording, collaborating, teaching, running a school, etc.)
2. Writing
3. Radio presenting
4. Public speaking
5. Travelling (Added this point a few days later!)

The key ingredient for when I thrive is when I have autonomy.

Ain't that the truth, Ruth?

Singing at my weekly gig at Sabria's Restaurant. Oct 2017

Singing at Habanero's, Kalk Bay, in 2005/6. 

The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron

About two weeks ago, I started reading a book my son had lent me. It’s called The Artist’s Way, and it was written by Julia Cameron, in 1994. The by-line is “A Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self”.

The book is a 12-week programme/course, aimed at exactly what the by-line says. There are exercises for each week, with the two main exercises throughout the course being what the author calls the ‘’morning pages’’ and ‘’artist’s date night’’.

I am currently in Week 2, on Day 11 since I started, and I’m really into this programme. Let me tell you about the two main exercises.

1.    Morning pages

The idea is to do, by hand, three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing, every morning. I’ve found the writing really interesting (I love writing), but I haven’t always written in the morning. I write most mornings, but on a few days I’ve written in the evenings, because my mornings were too rushed. Needless to say, the practice necessitates other forms of discipline as well, like waking up early enough to write. As someone who struggles with conformity, I’ve simply renamed them my Daily Pages, because I’m committed to writing every day – I just can’t guarantee mornings. 😊

It’s not a writing exercise for drafting a near-perfect article. It’s nothing like that. In fact, she says that if you can’t think of anything to write, just fill your pages with “I can’t think of anything to write.”    

So what do I write? I write whatever’s on my mind. I have no problem coming up with stuff to write, and I’m starting to find three pages too few! I enjoy the writing, and look forward to it every single day.

In the beginning, I wrote about what was bothering me, so I filled the three pages basically whingeing about my life.  Then I realised that that was a total waste of my time – it made no sense to look so forward to writing, and then to sit down and write a bunch of complaints. I continued to write complaints, but I let them take up less and less space every day, until I became fired up about my new goals, my thoughts about the future, and started coming up with ideas for how I could improve the areas of my life I wasn’t happy with. You see? Creativity is not just about painting, dancing, singing, etc. – it’s about thinking differently to how you do when you’re ‘stuck’.

So I’m loving the writing, and I’ve had an epiphany every few days. Had I not been writing in such a routine way, I might not have had those epiphanies. I use those aha moments to infuse a new perspective into my daily life, and to help me with my plans for the future. In a relatively short space of time, I’ve become more accepting of certain things, but also more certain about what I just cannot see myself putting up with for much longer. In other words, the writing sessions have given me greater clarity.

I’ve always believed that my life worked best when I had certain routines in place – but they mustn’t be externally-imposed; I have to set them up and I have to be in control of them. So a routine that involves any of my passions – music, writing, dancing (or swimming, which I haven’t done for over six years!) – is something that will always make me feel better about life. Knowing that this daily writing, for 12 weeks, has caused revolutionary shifts in other people’s lives, and got them to make sweeping changes, inspires me and piques my curiosity. I’m so excited to see how I’ll feel as I progress through the weeks.  So far, so very good.

2.    Artist date night

Whereas the writing is a daily exercise, the artist date night is a weekly practice. You set aside one evening per week where you take yourself on a date, aimed at stimulating your creativity. It can be anything – a walk in the park, a visit to an art gallery, a bike ride through beautiful terrain, a movie, a meal, a live music performance, etc. I decided that what I really wanted to do was spend uninterrupted time playing my guitar. More specifically, to spend time playing and singing my original songs, and to work on them a bit more. I decided to use the artist date night to reconnect with myself as a songwriter – to find my old songs, tweak them a bit, see how I could incorporate them into my performances, and hopefully be inspired to write new ones.   

When I think about my body of compositions, I know there’s so much admin I have to do. Besides getting all the songs copyrighted, I need to make basic recordings, just to have audio versions of them all.  Then I need to type up the lyrics of them all, as most are still handwritten. In some cases, I still have the original rough, scribbly pages!

Even though I have recorded quite a few of my songs – some at concerts and some in a studio – I have a whole lot more to do. I shouldn’t wait.

I decided my night would be a Thursday, and last week was the first one. This week, I needed to shift my night. Actually, ….. the way I spent tonight could qualify as an artist date night – I did my written reflections of Week 1, and I’ve typed this blog post. I just didn’t get time to play my guitar.

It’s time for me to wind down for the night, as it’s past 11pm. The quality of one’s sleep has a profound impact on the next day.

It’s funny how we fight routines, even when we know how beneficial they are. As I always say, about habits people say they want break: You’ll keep doing them until you stop doing them. You’ll know when it’s time.  

Of course, I only know this from experience. The most important life lessons I’ve learnt the hard way – through making the mistakes and having to face the consequences.

Here’s to the next 10 and a half weeks of The Artist’s Way. I’ll write updates as I go along.  

   

Change

How many times throughout my life have I heard - or said - "The only constant in life is change''? I'm once again faced with this reality. It seems the universe tunes into my  restlessness, and says, "So! You're restless AGAIN?! Well, here's something that will pull you right out of your comfort zone!"

What I keep forgetting is that I promised myself, sometime ago, that, whenever I was faced with change, I would give myself three months to adapt. And what usually happens is I actually do - and most times, I end up loving what freaked me out in the beginning. The pattern is always the same - I doubt myself, and I worry that I'll let people down, that I'll let my children down, and that I'll let myself down. I encounter initial obstacles, and interpret them as a sign that I should extricate myself. Regardless of the specifics, I find myself waking up every day having decided the opposite of the day before's decision. And days go by. And weeks go by. Then, slowly something shifts  - someone says something that makes me realise it's not that scary, and that I should just give it a chance. And then it's three months, and I exhale - it's really not that scary; and if I fail, I can learn from my mistakes, and try again. 

As I look this next change squarely in the face, I owe it to myself to remember all the other big changes I've made throughout my adult life, and how petrified I was when I anticipated their outcomes; the truth is, nothing ever reached the worst-case scenarios I'd feared, and everything was just fine. 
I left an 8-year-long emotionally abusive relationship at age 30. At age 35, I left my first job after 14 years, not knowing what I was going to do next, but 100% sure that it was time to leave. At age 39, I left my marriage, deciding to walk the path of a single parent, despite all the difficulties that accompanied that decision. The main thing was, my spirit was free, and I could be the person I was, without having to justify every thought, word and deed, as though I was on trial. And then at age 50, I left another long-term relationship, when I finally remembered who I was, and chose to honour that person.

One and a half years ago, at age 54, I left the security of a permanent lecturing post at a government college, and accepted a job in the private sector. I experienced all kinds of stress and apprehension, as I went through my usual yoyo  emotions of feeling I could nail the new job, then feeling I had made a huge mistake.  Nineteen months later, I'm still in the job, I don't feel like the new kid on the block anymore, I work with cool people who do interesting things, and I learn something almost every day. It's a stimulating, multi-disciplinary environment, and I interact with people of all ages, from different backgrounds, who do very different jobs to me, all for the same company.

And now my role is evolving, which is both scary and exciting. In a government job, nothing evolves. Nothing! If you want a change in your role, you have to wait until the new role is advertised, then you have to apply for it, fill in copious paperwork, hope to be shortlisted, then go for inane interviews with people who've known you for ages, but who ask you questions like they've just met you.

Today, after much vacillating, I made a decision and I made a sincere commitment to myself (for both myself and my family). I can only continue to learn and grow.

Surely that's what makes life interesting?