What I keep forgetting is that I promised myself, sometime ago, that, whenever I was faced with change, I would give myself three months to adapt. And what usually happens is I actually do - and most times, I end up loving what freaked me out in the beginning. The pattern is always the same - I doubt myself, and I worry that I'll let people down, that I'll let my children down, and that I'll let myself down. I encounter initial obstacles, and interpret them as a sign that I should extricate myself. Regardless of the specifics, I find myself waking up every day having decided the opposite of the day before's decision. And days go by. And weeks go by. Then, slowly something shifts - someone says something that makes me realise it's not that scary, and that I should just give it a chance. And then it's three months, and I exhale - it's really not that scary; and if I fail, I can learn from my mistakes, and try again.
As I look this next change squarely in the face, I owe it to myself to remember all the other big changes I've made throughout my adult life, and how petrified I was when I anticipated their outcomes; the truth is, nothing ever reached the worst-case scenarios I'd feared, and everything was just fine.
I left an 8-year-long emotionally abusive relationship at age 30. At age 35, I left my first job after 14 years, not knowing what I was going to do next, but 100% sure that it was time to leave. At age 39, I left my marriage, deciding to walk the path of a single parent, despite all the difficulties that accompanied that decision. The main thing was, my spirit was free, and I could be the person I was, without having to justify every thought, word and deed, as though I was on trial. And then at age 50, I left another long-term relationship, when I finally remembered who I was, and chose to honour that person.
One and a half years ago, at age 54, I left the security of a permanent lecturing post at a government college, and accepted a job in the private sector. I experienced all kinds of stress and apprehension, as I went through my usual yoyo emotions of feeling I could nail the new job, then feeling I had made a huge mistake. Nineteen months later, I'm still in the job, I don't feel like the new kid on the block anymore, I work with cool people who do interesting things, and I learn something almost every day. It's a stimulating, multi-disciplinary environment, and I interact with people of all ages, from different backgrounds, who do very different jobs to me, all for the same company.
And now my role is evolving, which is both scary and exciting. In a government job, nothing evolves. Nothing! If you want a change in your role, you have to wait until the new role is advertised, then you have to apply for it, fill in copious paperwork, hope to be shortlisted, then go for inane interviews with people who've known you for ages, but who ask you questions like they've just met you.
Today, after much vacillating, I made a decision and I made a sincere commitment to myself (for both myself and my family). I can only continue to learn and grow.
Surely that's what makes life interesting?
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