One Problem

Written 02 June 2012

There was a time in my life when I was deprived of my political freedom, when I couldn’t vote in the country of my birth. That changed in 1994, when South Africa became a constitutional democracy. Yes, we have a long way to go before we can call ourselves a successful democracy, but political freedom we generally have. That is not my problem.

There were times in my life when I was unhappy in my job, where I hated going to work, but did so just to earn my salary and keep myself afloat in this crazy, expensive world. There were times when the stress of my job felt overwhelming and I wondered how I’d survive yet another day, week or month of it without going insane. At this stage of my life, that is not my problem.

I have had family problems, at different times of my life, where I went for counseling week after week, trying to work out issues, trying to find common ground, trying to reach a compromise. My current problem does not lie in that arena.

I have also had friendship problems, where people I’ve trusted have disappointed me and left me feeling wounded, betrayed, and fearful of trusting again. These days I know how to read people better and to pace myself before trusting too much, so that’s not my problem either.

Of course I’ve had relationship problems, with each one starting out so beautifully, having really cool bits in the middle, but ending so badly. I’m amazed that I’ve not closed my mind and heart to the belief that happiness will come my way again. So, even though I’ve been single for many months, that’s no problem at all!

But I do have ONE BIG PROBLEM: MONEY! This is not about wanting expensive things and having to buy cheaper versions. No, this is about basic, day-to-day survival; about paying rent and buying pre-paid electricity, buying groceries and airtime, and all those other expenses that seem to crop up out of nowhere. The ramifications of not having enough money are far-reaching. I’ve had to give up so many things that were part of the way I lived my life, and yet life has had to go on. If I have to choose between multi-vitamins for myself and ingredients for a family meal, the vitamins don’t stand a chance: my children will always come first. I sometimes hear my friends talking about their new boots, clothes, jewelry, etc. and I feel so far removed from all of that. My issues lie a lot deeper. My children have outgrown most of last winter’s things, and I’m unable to buy them new things, things they badly need. That’s hard for me.

When things in the home break, I can’t fix them. It’s very frustrating, as it often has other implications, adding to my stress. My washing machine’s been broken for almost a year. In summer, that’s no problem, but in winter…. I spend hours and hours a week doing my family’s washing (everything, including bedding) by hand, in the bath. It’s time-consuming and very tiring. And I have to just fit it in, along with all my other chores and commitments. I managed to have the garden sorted out last week, but that was 8 months after the previous clean up!

Giving up gym, after months of trying to make the membership payments, but failing because other things took priority, was very hard for me. That’s something I’ll restore as soon as I’m on my feet. That and the internet at home – very important. .

I still write out my budget every month, even though my income from guitar lessons is about one third of what I need to get through the month without borrowing. I am sick of getting phone calls from companies I have monthly commitments to, having to explain that I’m unemployed and that I’ll pay a smaller amount in a few days – oy, it really leaves me feeling like a failure. I’ve been in this situation since October 2010, almost two years now. I know why some people decide they just can’t go on anymore. It eats away at you, like a cancer, you lose perspective, and you could so easily feel you don’t want to try anymore.


But me – I don’t know what it is, but I’ll NEVER give up. I know that life is about energy and faith and timing that often makes no sense, and I believe that there’s always an end to suffering, that the wheel has to turn, and that life has to get better and stay better. You just have to stubbornly believe and keep trying, keep adjusting your pitch, keep reinventing yourself, keep going, trying, believing, adjusting, reinventing….

So – before I turn off the light and invite beautiful dreams into my sleep world, I’ll put my heart’s desire out into the universe one more time: I want to spend my days doing what I love (empowering people through Music and English) and to earn a decent living from it, so that I may support my children and myself (like I did before) and live without this gnawing anxiety. If my job also enables me to make a contribution to the development of our country in some way, that would make me even happier.

Good night. May the new day bring new, income-generating opportunities.

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Thoughts, a few weeks later:
I was raised in a family where the emphasis was on training/studying for a profession, getting a stable job with good benefits, and keeping that job for life. It was largely the fallout from the political system we were living under, where “Coloured” people’s options were limited, so becoming a nurse or a teacher was an aspiration of many, since it meant you’d have a government job, from which you’d retire with a decent pension, after about 40 years. We weren’t raised to be entrepreneurs, or to even think that it was possible (or acceptable) to be self-employed. South Africa in 2012 is a completely different world, with very different economic and employment imperatives. You have to think in a different way, and you have to believe that you can meet the new challenges, as tough as they are.
Many of the economic problems we’re dealing with are being experienced on a global level, and have been coming along for a few years. Greece’s current meltdown, with its imminent departure from the Eurozone, is just one blatant example of how huge the world’s economic problems are.
I am one person experiencing it in one family, in one house, in one suburb, in one city, in one country, on one continent. Multiply that by millions, and that’s our world in 2012.
I have options - many others don’t.