Written 25 May 2012

I have a goal, tonight, to switch off my light by 23:30. It’s 23:10 now.

If someone were to ask me what my average day was like, I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t have average days. Most days feel like a rollercoaster ride, sometimes making me heady with delight, sometimes spinning horribly out of control.

I also know that I’m affected by the weather. Right now, it’s very cold and I can hear the rain. When the wind blows at the same time, it’s an eerie sound, and I feel vulnerable and alone. I miss my children.

Today, like so many other days, found me so busy, that I was out from about 10:00 to 18:30! That’s a long time! I feel really bad, because my mom’s still living in the granny flat, and I have no choice but to leave her alone all that time. Hard to find the middle ground between what I have to do to find a job (sit at internet café, go to meetings, follow up on various leads) and what I have to do to meet my mom’s needs.

The good – no, great – news is that she’s actually a lot better. She seems to have regained her energy, doesn’t seem lethargic and drowsy anymore, and she’s resumed some of her domestic activities. My mom’s memory is definitely going, though, and it’s a multi-layered experience for everyone involved. There are times when she gets so frustrated at not remembering, at not being the fiercely independent woman she’s been for so long, that she becomes tearful. It’s a lot to deal with, for us all. My sister and I have discussed different options with my mom, and we’re helping her to simplify her life. Within the next 5 weeks, a big change will have happened for us all.

I pray to the universe for strength to spread my focus sensibly across the various areas needing my attention. I pray for peaceful transitions. I pray for a job, because I can’t keep living like this, constantly in survival mode. It’s stressful and draining. I pray for a job that uses my skills, knowledge and experience, and one that suits my quirky life and personality. I want a satisfying, well-paid, half-day job, so that I may continue doing what I love so much: teaching guitar lessons and performing.

23:23 – time to shut down the laptop and get that much-needed sleep.

“To sleep, perchance to dream.”