Red flags that signal you are in an emotionally abusive relationship

Sunday morning, the only morning I can wake up naturally, without an alarm - something I look forward to all week.

This morning, while eating my breakfast, I flicked through the tv channels, looking for something to watch. I found a programme called “Mzansi Insider”, on SABC 1, where a woman was being interviewed about her journey as a survivor of an abusive marriage. A woman with a powerful story to tell, Lulu King spoke about the red flags along the way that she had missed. Many things she said triggered so many painful memories for me, that I decided I would carry her message forward, to possibly help other women who are experiencing these things and not realising they are signs of emotional abuse.

1  Grooming phase – showering you with compliments and gifts

She said she now knew that the abuse had started with a long grooming phase, with the man showering her with compliments and gifts. This is how this type of man wins your trust, and how he builds up your belief that he is on your side, he’ll look after you, you can depend on him and turn to him for anything - just look at all the wonderful things he gives you. Depending on your own relationship with material things, including your family circumstances when you were growing up, this phase can be extremely seductive, and make you overlook many things that that little voice inside of you warns you are not right. Men who groom women in this way are skilled at the art of what we are socialised to think of as romance. You don’t stand a chance, if you’re naïve (and they know exactly how to pick their women). You many even heed the warning voice, and try to extricate yourself from being the one being fixated on, but it sparks an argument.  You may even break up, knowing on some level that this is not right for you. He’ll play the victim, be extremely hurt, give you a few days to feel terrible about having hurt him, and then you’ll get the next bunch of flowers, item of jewelry, or a special item that he knows you’ve been wanting for a long time.

In my 20’s, I was in a long-term relationship with someone 15 years my senior. In hindsight, that was already a red flag – I didn’t see it, although I’m sure many others did.  That size of age-gap is a red flag when the younger person has not had much relationship experience. I can guarantee you that, at the very least, there’ll be a power imbalance, which lays the foundation for all kinds of exploitation. The special item he bought for me was a solid-body Yamaha acoustic-electric guitar that I had ordered, planning to buy it with my annual bonus. He insisted on buying it for me, and encouraged me to use the money for something else I needed. And when we broke up, guess what he demanded back? I am acutely aware that the independence I prize so highly today is not just because I’ve always been independent – it’s because of these instances when people that I let into my heart abused my love and trust. Like so many women, I unfortunately walked this path more than once.

It took me years to tell the salesperson that I’d only had the guitar for a short time, before it was taken from me. At that point, I learnt how obnoxious and offensive he had been, refusing to pay the price negotiated by me. He had basically bullied her into charging him less, leaving humiliation and resentment in his wake. I am so thankful that I eventually found the courage to walk away permanently. That was at age 30.

2. Excessive attention and monopolising of your time

The next red flag she mentioned was the man making excessive demands on your time, often starting with him phoning you throughout the day. In the beginning it’s flattering, you feel special, but this attention often turns into unhealthy forms, like wanting to know where you are all the time, who you’re with, and making a big fuss about the time you spend with anyone other than him, including your family and your girlfriends. These days, your social media behaviour can be a huge area of conflict. Everything you do that does not satisfy his idea of how you should behave, ends up in an argument. The arguing becomes a part of the relationship, and it can wear you down, to the point where you comply with whatever the demands are, just to avoid yet another round of shouting and being accused of being deceitful.  

In Lulu's case, she was told how to dress, was not allowed to wear make-up, and not allowed to see her friends. The latter is so common, that people start to feel this is normal when you’re in a relationship. When you break the cycle of abuse, and you eventually free yourself, one of the steps towards getting yourself back is rekindling your friendships that you sacrificed along the way. This is also why so many abusive relationships last for so long – because the woman is not in contact with her usual support structure, who could give her a different perspective and help her leave. 

Lulu was eventually locked up in her home, while her husband went out and partied. When she had a baby, she was not allowed to buy a pram, because he wanted to know where she was planning to go with the pram.

In my most recent long-term relationship, my uncommitted partner stayed in my life for years, until I made a conscious decision to honour myself more than I was honouring him, both for myself and for my children, who were witness to my doormat behaviour. Fiercely independent, yet wanting to be around me whenever I was in the public eye, his favourite line was not “When are you free so that we can spend time together?” Instead, it was a dismissive, disrespectful “I’ll see you when I see you.”  I grow sad at the thought that, for eight and a half precious years of my life, I believed that was all I deserved. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, do better.” 

 3.    You are expected to sacrifice activities and interests that make you happy

Writing about this is painful, not only because it scratches open old wounds, but because this is still happening, all over the world, to millions of women. Girls are raised to love and nurture. Before we know it, we have learnt to put our needs last, while we take care of everyone around us. For many women, this narrative is so strong, that it influences everything we do, including the types of jobs we choose. We become good at making others look good, good at equipping others to move forward towards success, and good at serving and enabling. This has disastrous effects when you’re in an abusive relationship, because you’re convinced that whatever is going wrong must be your fault, and you try, in every possible way, to adapt your behaviour (and views on things), with the sole aim of avoiding the next argument, which, as a harmony-loving nurturer, you find soul-destroying. 

In my 30’s, I was in yet another emotionally abusive relationship, married to someone much older, and again I didn’t see the red flags. My friends would invite us over for a braai and remind me to bring my guitar, because that was part of how we hung out – we’d braai and  sing together around the camp fire. Between the day of the invitation and the actual braai, I’d be subjected to a relentless onslaught as to why I shouldn’t take the guitar. I was accused of wanting to be the centre of attraction, and of being a conversation stopper. The Trudy I am today would not stand for that kind of bullying, but the Trudy I was then didn’t know it was emotional abuse. In the beginning, I’d stand up for myself, but it would always end in an argument, followed by days of him ignoring me. That’s a terrible way to live in one’s own home. In the end, to avoid the inevitable confrontation around having to explain why I wanted to take the guitar, and that I wasn’t an attention-seeking conversation stopper, I would end up not taking the guitar. When we got to the friend’s house, I’d have to lie about why I hadn’t brought it. I don’t think anyone believed me when I said, “I didn’t feel like playing.’’

After my divorce, a friend who liked partying a lot and couldn’t understand why I would want to leave at a certain time to go home and play my guitar, accused me of using my guitar as a crutch. If she only knew the role guitars had played in my life - as a tool to subjugate me, as a weapon I had thrown at an insanely jealous partner, but simultaneously as a constant symbol of beauty, healing and peace. If she only knew. That is why I am so strongly connected to the peaceful souls I’ve met along my guitar journey – they understand.

                                With Wayne Bosch @ the District 6 Museum, Dec 2014.

4. Why you should shout Fire! and not Help!

Lulu's interview ended on a very sobering note. She had been chased through the streets by her knife-wielding husband, but no-one had stopped to help. She had gone to the police station after being severely beaten up, but had not been taken seriously. She reached a point where she believed that she was all alone, and that people did not really care.

Her parting advice was: If you’re being beaten, don’t shout, “Help!”. Instead, shout, “Fire”, because people will only help if they feel they might be affected.

5.  My advice to women who suspect they are in emotionally abusive relationships

If you have friends who make you happy, who make your soul sing, and with whom you share a wonderful history, and your new partner expects you to give them up in order to be with him – that’s a red flag. 

If you have a hobby or interest that feeds your soul, and satisfies you in a way that gives meaning to your life and makes you like who you are, and your new partner wants you to give that up – that’s a red flag.

If your taste in music, clothes, food, leisure activities, movies, books, or whatever, is criticised and belittled, to the extent that you start giving them up - that’s a red flag. You have a right to like whatever you like and be with someone who likes different things. 

And finally, understand that extricating yourself from such a relationship or marriage can be painful, goes through many phases, and you will need a lot of love and support from your people, whoever they may be. The essential truth you must hold on to is: One day, all of this will be part of my past. I will be the me I like to be again, and I will thrive outside of this current situation. It’s a journey I am taking, one step at a time. Every morning when you wake up, commit to finding your happiness again. And believe it will come. 

Another thing I would add is – give yourself enough time to be single before entering your next relationship, because the healing process takes a while, and your judgement might not be as sound you think it is, within the first year (or even longer) of leaving one abusive relationship. 

An excellent book I would recommend, which helped me understand so many things , especially about why we find ourselves in successive emotionally abusive relationships is “Women Who Love Too Much”, by Robin Norwood. 

Peace,

Trudy