The fact that I'm posting my first blog post for the year on the 27th day of the third month is an indication of what the first quarter of this year's been like.
The main factor in my life causing me distress - not to mention disruption of official matters, as well as severe embarrassment - is my employment status. I work in a part-time job that I enjoy and where I feel I make a difference, but which earns me a fraction of what I need to meet my monthly commitments.
Anyone who's ever been in this situation - or worse, being completely unemployed - will know what I'm talking about. The rest of you can only imagine, and your imagination could never even begin to fathom the extent of the fall-out.
Why am I in this situation at all? That's at least another two blog posts' worth!
At the same time as major belt-tightening in our household, prices of everything - especially petrol, electricity and groceries - are constantly increasing, making it even harder to cope. We've adapted our lives to the reduced income, but I find myself missing things like a certain brand of shampoo, or shower gel, which we've stopped buying, in favour of bar soap. I used to have two food delivery Apps on my phone, but I deleted them both. I didn't even want to see them on my screen, when money became tight.
And there are always other irritating, unforeseen extras that crop up, eating into the little that we have. Let's not even start on bank fees!
So, no surprise, I've been feeling depressed. Most of the time, I know how to hide it, but it's something I have to fight my way through every day. To ameliorate it somewhat, I do the things that have always brought me joy. I journal and do Mind Power every day. I drink water. I listen to or play music. Most of the time, my Mind Power exercise is manifesting, which I have seen work, before, so I hang in there, manifesting what I want in my life: a job I enjoy which earns me a sustainable salary. At age 61, I have a limited number of years in which the formal sector will employ me, so this is also the time to be establishing income-generating things I could do beyond the age of 65.
My thoughts often turn to the senior citizens in our country who have no choice but to survive on a monthly state pension, which is about R2,000. What do you do with so little money? The more I think about it, the more I see the need for cooperative living, to share resources and avoid unnecessary spending. Someone gave this example, recently: if you have ten houses in a street, why does each household have to own a lawnmower? How often will each household need to mow their lawn? You may as well have some sort of group ownership of assets, and agree on a fair system of sharing.
I spend a lot of time looking at job ads and putting the word out to my networks that I am looking for certain types of jobs, but it's taking long to yield results. Recently, someone made a disapproving sound when I said I would not return to work at a particular place that had made me unhappy. I thought about it afterwards: no-one would expect you to return to an abusive ex-partner - in fact they'd doubt your sanity - but there's a certain amount of judgement levelled at you if you say openly that you won't return to a place where you were treated in an unacceptable way. The thinking is: you're clearly not desperate enough. My thinking, in response? You've clearly not lived my life, so stop judging me.
This week, one of my jobhunting goals is to submit my CV and a cover letter to a few recruitment agencies. I'll see if that yields any results.
I had a conversation with someone about teaching English abroad, after a friend recommended I look into it. Very interesting, the different criteria for different countries. I had an epiphany, in the process - I realised how big a part my identity played in my decision making. For example, I would not survive in a country that openly oppressed women, even if I could earn a lot of money there. I am an outspoken feminist, and not being able to speak out against injustice would be impossible for me. Also, I am a proud woman of colour. If I had to go to another country where my brown skin was going to open me to ridicule, that's not the place for me. I spent the first 33 years of my life as an unenfranchised, oppressed South African - I have no intention of inviting that into my life again.
I feel that I have the skills, knowledge and experience to make a huge contribution in my own country - I'm just struggling to find a place in which to do so. I have some thoughts, and I'm putting together some ideas.
The strange thing - and I may have blogged about it before - is that, in the same time-frame that my employment situation became so problematic, my creative (music) life kicked into gear. I started my solo concert series in early September 2022, just weeks after exiting one of my part-time jobs. Since then, I've done 7 concerts (including a mini one at someone's house), and I have venues booked for concerts at the end of April and early July. Anyone who knows me, knows that ALL I want to do is make music, but that's never been a viable full-time option for me.
In every area of my life, I know this for sure: I am fiercely independent, and I like coming up with ideas and implementing them. I like tweaking an initial plan until it works optimally. People who lack insight call this being a control freak. It's not. Some of us are ideas people and natural leaders, and others are not.
One of the reasons I'm enjoying my solo concert series is that I'm implementing MY ideas, in MY own way. The more I do this, the more I realise that when I run something, with full discretionary range, I thoroughly enjoy myself, and I generally succeed. I struggle in hierarchical set-ups, where the status quo survives as long as everyone behaves like clones, and where stupid decisions are made, because everyone lives in fear of the people at the top. I've worked in many jobs, and I know what I'm talking about. I have struggled with that kind of mindlessness throughout my adult life.
I'd prefer to work autonomously, in charge of my own time, offering my professional services as an independent service provider or consultant. We'll see. Some days my confidence is so high, I feel I could take on absolutely anything, and on other days, I feel so exhausted from all the months of struggling, that all I want to do is stay in bed and hide from the world.
In the meantime, I will do what I do best - keep on keeping on. I'm nowhere near to giving up.
Yesterday, I went back to a form of exercise I love - dancing - and today I did another session. On my own, to a playlist of my choice, and just enjoying the emotional release that physical movement brings. I will practise as much self-care as I can, during this time, and continue doing so once my current crisis is over.
When all's said and done, the only constant in my life is me.
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