A few hours before New Year, 2023

Ever since I can remember, I've had an obsession with counting things. Really irrelevant things, sometimes. More than that, I can't resist calculating averages, over different time periods. Like when I had to wash baby clothes by hand, I'd count the number of items, so I knew the average number of  clothing items I washed by hand, in a given week or month. Even now, if I have to wait anywhere, and I don't have a book with me, I start counting random things, like window panes, or the number of people with visible tattoos. 

When I compare the number of blog posts I did in 2021 (29) with the number in 2022 (this is no. 15), it would be easy for me to feel like I've failed, in some way. But I don't. Even though numbers float around in my brain all the time, I've stopped being so hard on myself in terms of expecting everything to have increased each year. In 2011, I did an astounding 71 blog posts (almost 6 a month!), and in 2020, only 11. There's no way I could say that, if I could achieve 71 in 2011, then I should've been able to equal or improve on it every year after that; each year has its own set of circumstances, and it's silly  to think that numbers tell the whole story. 

This year, I've experienced some of my lowest lows and my highest highs. It's been a rollercoaster ride, but with more private tears than public screams. No single year exists in isolation, so 2022 was very much a consequence of 2021 (lockdown & retrenchment), as well as of 2020 (lockdown, with immense work-related frustration and stress). The best part about one year flowing into the next is that new ideas and lessons learnt can be applied in subsequent years. And that's how I feel as I type this post, just 3 and a half hours before the start of 2023. 

About half an hour ago, there was an unbelievably loud bang outside, which could have been a gunshot, but was most probably a huge firecracker.  It shocked me so, that I was trembling for long afterwards. I was scared there'd be more, but I was also really worried about people's pets and how much they suffer when that happens. In South Africa, it's illegal to set off fireworks in residential areas, but you'll always find idiots who do it anyway.  

My lowest low, this year, was being unemployed for a few months, employed part-time for a few months, and the resulting financial crisis I was flung into. One of my biggest goals for next year is to increase and stabilise my income, so that I can sort things out and feel like I like to feel again. 

My highest high was finally finding the courage to change direction in my music life, and starting my Solo Sessions. I'm a bit distracted right now, so I'll probably blog again in the next few days. I have so much to write, including about how magical Solo Session 5 was! 

I have a few thoughts about 2023, and I won't share them all here, but some of the things I want to consciously do are to worry less (I worry a lot - about everything!), to trust myself more, and to play to my strengths.  I also want to go back to mentally pressing the Pause button when I feel awkward about committing to something someone suggests. Not everything needs an immediate response. 

I also feel that, as my children grow into their adult lives, I need to focus on making sure my own life is full and interesting, so that, when I find myself living alone, there won't be too much of a void. These transitions are a natural part of life, and parents do their children a disservice by clinging to them long after they've expressed a readiness to live independently. 

Whatever the new year may bring, I want to be at peace with the choices I make. I also need to remind myself that life's too short to play small when you are bursting with ideas. I am 61 years old, and I want to live an interesting life, following my heart and avoiding whatever does not spark joy. I think we should live our lives, while we can.

Happy New Year. May 2023 be a good year for us all.