When I was a child, I'd often hear my mom say, "Wisdom comes with age". I accepted it as a given because that's what you do, as a child. When I got older, however, and started questioning almost everything I'd been told (and sorting out what I would retain or discard - a never-ending journey, it turns out), I had to be honest that I knew quite a few older people who were not wise. I also knew many young people who were. It's funny how we say, in those cases, that she's "wise beyond her years", based on that same world view espoused by my mom. I'm not saying that it's completely baseless - just that it's not always true.
What I have noticed, as I've continued to live self-reflectively, consciously discarding habits that no longer make sense and adopting ones that do, is that I occasionally catch myself in mid-response, identify what's happening, and deliberately make a healthier choice. Being able to identify situations when you're likely to slip into default mode, is a good start.
It occurred to me that you put yourself under a lot of pressure, when you're a people pleaser. It's such an unfortunate interpretation of kindness. It's like kindness on steroids, with you merely emptying your tanks, leaving nothing for yourself. And yet many of us were raised that way. We learn it as children, it's drummed into us at school, and by the time we enter into adult relationships, that inability to draw clear boundaries and to meet our own needs without feeling guilty is firmly entrenched. And we keep doing it - servicing others' needs, at the expense of our own. There's immense pressure on girls, in particular, and we all grow into women who can't distinguish between a life characterised by reciprocated acts of kindness and one in which you're being taken advantage of.
It all comes down to a topic I frequently write about - boundaries. During lockdown, I had a few online sessions with a really good psychologist (whom I met in person, as soon as lockdown was lifted), who taught me to "press the pause button", if I felt I was about to respond in a way that no longer felt right for me. It was something I had to practise - not responding immediately. Sometimes, it's better to say, "Let me get back to you", and to give yourself some time to think it through, before responding. Especially if you recognise a line of conversation or a feeling that you associate with previous situations that disrespected your boundaries. Manipulation can be very subtle, and for some people it's an unconscious, habitual way of communicating. It's particularly hard to spot when it comes from someone you love; for me, it's hard to spot when it's said in a gentle voice, because we always think of manipulators as loud and monstrous. Most of the time, they're just people who want to achieve a certain outcome with the least possible effort, and they know exactly who to pick on to achieve it. It happens in the workplace, in marriages, between friends, between parents and children - in fact, wherever people are, that's where manipulation lives and breathes. Sometimes it's as inconsequential as getting a small task done, but at other times, it could give rise to the most unconscionable, life-altering set of circumstances.
I've also realised how people pleasing has led to my tendency to overthink situations, because I'm so concerned with making others happy, or meeting their needs. I'll give you an example. Someone who'd been to one of my Solo Sessions is planning to attend my next one. The first thing I thought was, "I should change my set list", because I thought it would be less enjoyable for that person to hear the same songs. Which is ridiculous, because it's a particular show I'm doing in different venues, with a carefully selected list of songs, and a pre-determined narrative. And then I thought about someone else who'd come to my second session, then brought her father to my third one, because she wanted him to hear a particular song linked to his life. (It was about forced removals from District Six - "In the Shade of Table Mountain".) All I need to do is focus on my goal and work undistractedly through the steps along the way. That's all. Don't overthink what would suit someone else better - not on this project. That's part of why it's a solo concert series.
Also, I have previously made big changes to my plans, based on the anticipation of someone else's expectations, and then that person has been a no-show. All I do, in those instances, is deviate from my chosen path and expend energy unnecessarily. It's not selfish to have a goal and work towards it. I find it funny how everyone applauds people who reach their goals, but can be so judgemental while you're working towards yours.
Another situation arose, recently, where someone asked me if I had a particular item. I didn't have the item (for a perfectly good reason), but I immediately felt I'd let the person down. It's ridiculous! Again, I had to catch myself in mid-shame spiral and course-correct, because I was putting pressure on myself that was completely unnecessary. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.
There are so many instances in my life, where this has happened, and allowing myself not to feel bad about things is still part of my journey. Every now and then, someone asks if I'm religious. This is a topic I generally avoid, except in my circle of trust, in which I am not judged for my choices, because very few people even want to comprehend a life without institutionalised religion. After saying that I'm not, I often qualify it by saying that I'd been raised as an Anglican. The point is, I don't need to justify my life choices. But the environment in which I live is fraught with the energy of "be like us, or explain why you're not, and we're going to keep reminding you what our expectations are, so that you can eventually be like us". This attitude crops up in relation to the most banal things, like whether you dye your grey hair or not, as well as what an acceptable length for grey hair is. Why don't we just let someone make the choice that's right for herself? And if she wants to make a different choice after that, why don't we just respect that too? It's not that complicated. Again - interesting how this topic is usually about judging women, and not men.
I keep thinking, whenever I'm confronted with such myopic thinking: "I'm too old for this shit!" I am amazed at how people who survived the Covid pandemic could be just as parochial as they were before. But that's where part of my naïveté lies - I expect everyone to have done a lot of soul searching and to have decided that life has to be celebrated, and that there are many versions of truth. Personally, I'd rather have a variety of people in my life with different beliefs, feeling happy and respected, than to give people a hard time by insisting that only my view was acceptable.
In conclusion, as I proceed through this 2nd day of December, still trying to figure out how quickly this year has passed, I am grateful for lessons learnt, for those still being learnt, and for the many I've yet to learn. I'm blessed to have truly wonderful people in my life - including ones who live far away - and I count myself extremely lucky to be alive on this day, to be healthy and to have all my mental faculties. I take nothing for granted.
As I anticipate a busy weekend, with lots of social interaction, I am at peace with this day of uninterrupted solitude.
This day is filled with possibility.
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