Bursting with capacity & restlessness

Seems like life has decided I should go through labour pains once a year! 😄 What am I talking about? 

In June 2021, the company I was working for announced its next round of retrenchments, which took me on a journey from being petrified that I'd be chosen, to volunteering to leave. After three stressful months, I left.  People don't realise just how much is involved in retrenchment, and how much grieving takes place, even when you volunteer to leave. You grieve the loss of your income, the loss of routine, stability and employee benefits, even the loss of the place in which you worked, especially if it was aesthetically pleasing. You grieve the loss of access to a diversity of people, because we're still in our silos, as South Africans, socialising with people from the same "ethnic" group, as prescribed by apartheid. But the biggest grief involves close friendships. As much as we say we'll stay in touch, we'll meet for coffee, etc. .... life has a way of adjusting, eventually, so you get used to being without certain people, and all you're left with is the odd phone call or text message. I missed colleagues when they were retrenched, in former years, but with my own retrenchment, my heart ached with missing the colleague I'd worked most closely with - Fatima. She and I worked like a well-oiled engine. We had to deal with so many challenges, but we grew to rely on each other, to think on our feet, and launch into problem-solving mode. We had each other's backs, professionally and personally. There was give and take. We complemented each other. I miss her. I wish she and I could run our own company, with that same irrepressibility and never-say-die attitude. 

Then, in August 2022, in a subsequent job, after months of dealing with a challenging working relationship that was affecting my mental health, I put in writing that, if we didn't sort out the unhealthy communication, I would leave at the end of that payment cycle. The response was that I could leave immediately. Stupidly, I had not signed a contract, so I had no recourse to UIF, etc. I had learnt yet another lesson the hard way. Losing that job catapulted my life into one of the most challenging periods I've ever experienced, and one from which I have not yet emerged.  

On Easter Sunday, this year, my mood dipped so low, that I shook with fear at where my thoughts took me. It shocked me that someone like me, who loves writing bossanovas and drawing daisies, could plunge that far into the abyss. Only one thing ensured I'm still alive today - my love for my children.

What I'm going to write about now has not been put into the public arena yet, but I need to write, and since so few people read my blog, anyway, I'll write it here - I'm going through a labour dispute. It's bizarre that you can be a person with a strong moral code - honest, hardworking, professional - and yet find yourself in the middle of something like this. The only thing that makes it somewhat bearable is that I'm one of seven people going through this together. And that's all I can say, for now. 

But... the most amazing energy has surfaced, in the midst of all of this strangeness! I am bursting with a sense of how much I have to offer! I love teaching, and I believe I'm good at it. I love writing, which is arguably my strongest skill. I love composing and performing music, which I'm relatively good at. Besides being a compulsive writer - and an unintentional proofreader - I have a wide range of work and life experience, including years of personal development, so my so-called "soft skills" are strong. Funny how easily those are dismissed, even in the way they're named, yet there is not one situation where humans do what humans do that does not require them. 

And so, in the interest of moving forward, as an empowered woman, and in the pursuit of joy, peace, fulfillment and the feeling that I'm making a contribution to society - and because I've had enough of struggling financially and living my life at half mast, like I've got something to be ashamed of - I will use all my skills and steadily get myself to where I want to be. I have never let my age hold me back, and in fact I regard it as my greatest asset, because I have so many years of life and wisdom within me. I know myself much better than I ever have, and I will continue to let that self-knowledge guide me when it comes to what I say Yes and No to. 

I am my greatest resource. My networks are my second greatest resource. I am steadily identifying the niche that sees me applying my skills where they are most needed. One thing I'm sure about is that I will not align myself with, or surrender to the inevitability of, mediocrity, unaccountability and corruption. There are enough people with integrity in this world for me not to have to settle for the ubiquitous alternative.                    

     I photographed these trees that I pass, on my way to town. I'm inspired by their beauty and tenacity.