Boundaried Healing

Today is a stand-alone day. The past week has been a stand-alone week. On the home front, the past two months have been a stand-alone period. In my professional life, the past four months formed a stand-alone block of time. The entire year before that was a stand-alone period of time, in my working life, with the 6 months of unpaid work (still unresolved!) forming its own bizarre chapter. In fact, my entire life feels like a stand-alone 62-year period of time. On my good days, I lean towards believing in multiple lives, but on my bad days, I'm so glad we have just one life. 

This is my first post for the year, and it is my sincere intention to blog more frequently. We'll see. 

I've been thinking a lot about what my priorities for the year are, and all I can think of is that it is time to focus on healing. I don't think there's a person alive who isn't dealing with the impact of some past experience. I know that I have a tendency, despite my habit of processing things through writing, to fling myself into the next course-correcting chapter without sufficient attention to healing and gaining closure. I end up with a backlog of experiences from which to heal, and, unless I consciously set things in place to start the healing process, that backlog will keep growing. 

What I love about this time of year is that I have space to think more broadly, to step back and look at my life with more objectivity, and to analyse where and how I can proceed with greater clarity and authenticity. With the school year restarting in six days, this is the perfect time to set some plans in place for the year ahead.

So why call it "boundaried healing"?

A pattern I've observed in myself is how easily I go off-course, on my quest to honour myself. Yes, I can look back and find multiple occasions in my adult life where I have honoured myself, where I've left relationships and jobs where there was a clash of values. I can even think of small-group and one-on-one everyday encounters where I've implemented good boundaries, refusing to fall into traps set by manipulative people. But the truth is, my default mode shows the success story of childhood moulding - you know, that idea of bending a tree while it's young. Like many others, I was raised by a mother who prioritised considering others to the point where considering oneself was deemed selfish. Throw in a bit of good-old-fashioned Anglican guilt, and you get automatic compliance out of fear of going to Hell!  

In short, despite my mother showing fierce courage for a woman born in 1930, she could not shake the "nice-people-don't-do-that" legacy she had inherited, so she raised us the same way. As a result, in my adult life, I had to knock my head many times before learning that boundaries were not only healthy, but essential, if you don't want people to keep taking advantage of you.  What I've also noticed is that many people talk the talk, when it comes to boundaries, but have innately manipulative ways of dealing with those around them. With every single person I encounter, I get to a point where I ask myself, "What is his/her WHY?" Once I establish what someone's WHY is, I see the patterns more clearly and start to understand what's happening. I think that each person's WHY is basically the gap or need we're trying to fill. I've even heard people show remarkable clarity as to why they operate the way they do, but the phrasing of it is almost as though they're discussing another person, and not themselves - which is itself an interesting way to talk about one's insecurities.  

So - back to boundaried healing. I know that I have, in recent months, taken decisions that did not honour me and my needs, but that prioritised someone else's agenda. That's not always a bad thing - in fact, it's even admirable, at times. However, when I've stepped back and looked at the messy issues around the decision(s), I've had to admit that there was, at the very least, subtle manipulation, playing on my sense of kindness, justice, and not wanting someone else to be inconvenienced. 

That pattern needs to finally stop. You know why? Not something I learnt as a child, but it's actually okay to say a clear and unequivocal NO! It's not my job to save everyone in the world. If you ask me to do X, and I say No, you can simply ask another person, who might say an enthusiastic Yes. In fact, if we all answered honestly, we'd all be a lot happier, because we'd be living our truths. At age 62, despite having championed living one's truth, I feel like I've wasted a lot of years pandering to the whims of others - being a good girl, smiling despite the inconvenience, and delaying my own journey and progress. That was modelled to me throughout my childhood. People openly admire and compliment those who are martyrs, so that behaviour ends up being perpetuated, because we all want the strokes, don't we? 

But back to the topic. I keep thinking about the analogy of the airplane oxygen masks - in an emergency, you can't help another passenger unless you've secured your own mask. And that's as simple as it is: I can function effectively only when I am taking care of myself. And that, in short, is my focus for 2024. I will be taking care of myself. I will be healing and being extremely boundaried about it. In every part of my life. I will immerse myself in my creative pursuits, because they energise me and bring me joy and fulfillment. They are essential to who I am, and no-one can take them away from me. I've come to see the link between my strong need for independence and people taking advantage of me, using my kindness as a way to advance their own aims.       

I want to briefly mention two more things that are extremely significant to me, for the year ahead. The first may seem like an unusual aspect of being boundaried, but it's definitely part of honouring oneself  and one's gifts: it's not only okay, but extremely practical and handy to turn one's creativity into income-generating pursuits. Here, again, throughout my childhood I'd hear my mom say that she felt bad charging for her singing, because it was a gift from God. (Note how much self-sabotaging happens as a result of trying to follow religious teachings of humility, modesty, etc.) I know someone who makes jewelry - I would never expect her to give me things without charging me. I know someone who's a designer - same story. There are two hobbies that I love immersing myself in, and I have absolutely no qualms about charging for them: my wool crafting and my music. Not that I need to justify my stance, but both require me to spend money and time and pour my creativity into them. I get to decide when I do things without charging, and when I charge. I'm glad to say I've found a happy balance. 

In a sense, the next point relates to the need to earn extra money (from my hobbies), but it's also an entirely separate topic.  My younger child moved out two months ago, to live an independent adult life, something I'd always wanted her to do, but that had to be put on hold because of my employment issues. As I now live alone in a house more suitable for a family, I have taken the practical decision to downsize, which entails moving - after 27 years! I last lived on my own 33 years ago, and am surprised at how I've adjusted to solo living. However, moving house, after so many years, is a VERY BIG issue for me, for 2024. 

And finally: for many years, I've used an A5-sized appointment diary, and I always choose a specific page layout that works perfectly for me. This year, I'm using one I got as a gift, with the same page layout I like. What I love to do, at the beginning of the year, is draw tiny, colourful flowers on every page, with a different flower for each new week. No matter what my deadlines and pressures are, throughout the year, I will always see little flowers when I open my diary. 

It gives me a deep sense of peace and clarity to know that, even when life gives me a blank page, I'll somehow fill it with colour and life.