There's a special feeling that comes over me when I blog. If I think about it, it's the feeling I get whenever I'm not confined, not restricted to following rules I had no part in making. It's freedom. Freedom to be who I am, without having to qualify, justify, or apologise. It's a powerfully felt freedom set against the backdrop of apartheid and the patriarchy. In its much broader frame, it's freedom within the contexts of slavery and colonialism. On a smaller scale, but entirely related to the other forms of oppression, it's freedom from the confines of the outdated, hierarchical system all around us, including the world of employment.
The longer I live, and the more I open myself to new experiences, the more I observe and am able to draw conclusions. In various microcosms of society, I see the patterns. I see how people who are afraid to be who they are situate themselves in positions of power, for the security of having long-established rules to follow and - more importantly - to enforce on others. Depending on the integrity of the situation, the people in power may not even see the necessity of following the rules themselves.
What I do see, in various contexts, is the skewed way in which society values individuals. Your title and material possessions seem to win the day, in this topsy-turvy world, Not only that - your title, and the assumptions based on it, will put you in the running for similar or even better titles. And so your nebulous reputation, based solely on what you allege you are, and the extent to which others buy into that allegation, wins the day. At this stage of my life, I find it hard to imagine a single sector of society where this does not prevail. Am I cynical? Of course. I've seen too much not to be. You know what's even worse? It's when the people who can make a difference, by addressing the impropriety, choose not to. Many people in power prioritise being liked, which is a major flaw.
I learnt long ago that being a leader entails some difficult aspects, which means you have to risk unpopularity. More than once, in different leadership roles, I have had to have uncomfortable conversations with people. In middle management positions, I have been tasked with imparting difficult information (e.g. verbal/written warnings) to staff, which have given rise to my being vilified, while protecting my superiors from the same. In all instances, including those in which I have been involved in the decision to address an awkward matter, I have proceeded with diplomacy and directness, so as not to leave the other party confused as to the matter at hand. A lot depends on the recipient. If you're unprepared to self-reflect, any feedback, no matter how appropriately given, will be perceived as an attack, and refuted. My point of departure is to think about how I would like to receive such feedback, and to choose my words carefully. I also know that there are people who react so strongly, that if you're not a person of conviction, you might feel like you're at fault, and retract what you've said. I've been around long enough to see the red flags and stand my ground. All I know is that, through feedback given to me in the correct way, I have learnt lessons I wouldn't otherwise have. And I'll always be grateful to those people for handling things the way they did.
School broke up two days ago, bringing Term 2 to an end. Despite this almost-one-month-long break, I know it will be hard to get rid of the tension that the past term put into my body. I will try, though. High school teaching is unbelievably complex and stressful. I don't know how my colleagues have managed to sustain their decades-long careers. South Africa is still very much in the shadow of its apartheid past, so schools that were formerly for Whites only (now open to anyone who can afford them) have superior facilities and a much better pupil-teacher ratio. The poorer the community in which the school is, the harsher the conditions, for both the teachers and the students. And this is thirty years after apartheid ended. If you teach fewer than twenty-five students in a class, you have a timetable that affords you enough time to do your non-teaching work, you have all the gadgets that money can buy, you have excellent admin and other support, you have beautifully manicured school grounds with trees under which students can sit during their breaks, you have extra-mural activities in which students may add to their skillsets and grow other aspects of their personalities. you earn a salary on which you can live comfortably, etc etc, that's very different to the experience of the majority of South African teachers.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about this school holiday. I am moving house! I won't go into detail right now, but suffice it to say that I've been living in the same house for 27 years and 4 months, and I am about to pack up all these years of memories, and move. The intense emotions around this move have made me delay starting this big job. The other thing that delayed me was the amount of personal time my job takes up, which leaves me with energy for nothing else. For example, my last solo session was ten months ago! Ouch! Music is my favourite thing in the world!
So - unless the blogging bug bites sooner, the next time I'll blog will be from my new space. Once I'm there, I'll explain in more detail. It's possible, at this stage, that I'll move during this school break and again in three months' time. Like most things in my life, it's a long story.
Yesterday, I got up earlier than I normally would on Day 1 of my school holiday, and went for a walk by the ocean with a friend I've known since we were six years old. He's on a brief visit from Oz. The universe sent me a sign, while I was there, reassuring me that, despite my trepidation about the next two weeks, everything would be just fine: a pod of dolphins frolicking, not too far from where we were. The sighting was like a metaphor for how I tend to approach life - I saw the first fin, and said, "Oh my word, I think I've just seen a shark!" We looked more closely and I realised that, not only had it been a dolphin, but that there were quite a few of them - a total delight to the senses!
May I proceed through the next chapter of my life trusting that the fins I see aren't (necessarily) those of sharks, but are probably those of dolphins, my favourite animals.
I left my phone in the car, so no pics of yesterday, but here's one of a recent sunset from my current driveway.
