Lockdown Day 491

Today, I'm grateful for the people in my life who respect me enough to listen to what I have to say, even when it differs from their views - as hard as it may be - and are invested in a peaceful solution, rather than in playing the blame game. 

Today, I'm grateful for people who know me well enough not to ascribe nefarious intentions where there are none. 

Today, I'm grateful to the people in my life who understand that life is not a competition and that if there's a misunderstanding, the mature thing to do is to engage as adults, and not to humiliate someone into doing what you think is the only possible solution.

Today, I'm grateful for people in my life who don't expect me to be their version of who I should be, but who are open to engaging with the me I actually am.

Peace  

                                                  Guavas from our tree, this winter. 

 

A day of pleasant surprises / Lockdown Day 489

Today turned out to be unbelievably special, with one pleasant surprise after the other. 

From shortly after we awoke, my daughter and I started getting good news. We'd both been waiting for responses from different parts of our lives and today was as though a plug had been pulled out, allowing all the uncertainty to wash down the drain. What a lovely feeling! 

We've been talking a lot, recently, about breaking out of our default way of thinking, which is to assume that amazing things happen to others, but not to us. We both have a tendency to put ourselves out there, but not expect positive results - insane, right?! It's like keeping a door locked and pulling on the handle with all your might, trying to open it. 

We've both been doing a lot of meditating and manifesting, focussing on shifting out of this pattern of behaviour, because it's really counter-productive. It makes no sense at all. What's the use of having goals, writing them down, doing years of preparation, and then not boldly putting yourself out there, where the opportunities are? 

I spent some time thinking about where I'd learned that behavior, and I know it's from my mother. And she probably learned it from her mother. I am by no means blaming anyone in my family for this. In fact, I believe the roots of this shrinking-violet behaviour are socio-political. My grandmother, one of thirteen children, was born in the early 1900s. Their family lived in a rural area and they were raised within a strict religious context. With both the teachings of the church and the constraints of their socio-economic conditions, I assume that the women were raised to be pious, obedient and to become adept at domestic chores. The only job I'm aware of that my grandmother had was that of the household cook for a Jewish family, the Blochs, in Gardens, Cape Town.  (The house is still there, and I've driven past it many times. I remember my mom taking us to visit the old lady who lived there, when I was a teenager.) 

My mother's high school education stopped when she was in Grade 9 (Standard 7), because she had to find a job, to contribute towards the household expenses. This is less common nowadays, but not that rare in working class families. She started out as a domestic worker, in the Bloch home. Her next job was in the printing industry. She and her sister, Helen,  worked in some type of assembly line. Throughout my mom's years of raising us, she had menial jobs. She worked at different printing companies, but there was also a time when she worked as a cashier at a supermarket. Despite that, we always had whatever we needed, for school, and I now understand how much she sacrificed for us.  

Because of my mother's talent and love for music, she also worked in the music world. In her prime, in her twenties, she was a leading opera singer, but none of the Coloured singers earned anything for their hours of rehearsals or any of their stage performances. Only the White orchestra members earned something. (I will refrain from editorialising on that, right now.) When we lived in Durban, my mom taught for a term at a teachers' training college, substituting for someone. Other music work she did, over the years, was singing in the ad hoc chorus of CAPAB (Cape Performing Arts Board), when they started accepting Coloureds, and working as a full-time chorus member for PACOFS (Performing Arts Council of the Orange Free State), based in Bloemfontein. She spent three years there, from age 57. That was where she bought herself a house, for the first time in her life. When she returned to Cape Town, she taught Voice Production for the Eoan Group (at the Joseph Stone Auditorium, in Athlone). 

So what is my point? The South African society into which my grandmother and mother were born, was racially segregated. Even though apartheid became a formal system only in 1948, my family was well aware of their second-class status in the country of their birth. When you are labelled "Non-White" in a segregated country where dissent is violently suppressed, you do everything you can not to be noticed. Imagine that kind of pressure on top of the other kinds of pressure on women to be invisible. If that's all you know, you don't end up being bold. You end up wanting to fade into the wallpaper. You're apologetic about the space you take up. I used to hate going to the supermarket with my mother, once I'd become politically aware, as a teen, because she would literally apologise her way through the aisles, giving way for everyone, even if she had the right of way. It was the most glaring example of how she had internalised the inferior status her oppressors had imposed on her, and it broke my heart. 

But - back to today and my main point. I am still learning to take up and claim my space unapologetically, and even though I've been outspoken about this while raising my children, it was - for many years - a case of "do as I say, not as I do". This was because I had spent the first 32 years of my life living under apartheid, with those same restrictions and prohibitions that my mother and her mother had lived under. 

I work, on a daily basis, on stepping into my power, being all I can be, living my truth - all those clichés - and I will never stop. My children have a different reality, including the benefit of many different influences, so they already approach life with a lot more confidence and clout than I've ever done. 

So..... today was a truly special day. Both my daughter and I had been waiting for responses to things we'd out out into the universe and had received good news. 

And the journey continues.

                                          My daughter, my mom and I - Dec 2020

   

Reputation / Lockdown Day 488

I've become - or have always been? - one of those people who have certain phrases that I say repeatedly, all based on certain views or beliefs. One of them is, "Reputation is everything". 

As life unfolds and I evolve into an older version of myself, with the hindsight of a life rich in experience, I find myself reflecting on these sayings and finding nuances that I hadn't before. 

I still believe that your reputation is something that you should think about, while you're living your life, because it has a way of becoming relevant when you least expect it. My new take on reputation is this: if I look back on how I've lived my life, the choices I've made, even the mistakes I've made, what's more important to me now is not so much what others think about me, but what I think about myself. Does my track record make me hold my head up high or hang my head in shame?

I'm not for one moment implying that I haven't done really stupid things and made really ill-considered decisions. On the contrary. But there definitely was a time when I started making better choices, listening to my inner voice and feeling brave enough to follow a path that wasn't dependent on the approval of my entire community. 

Sometimes we take a detour that feels right at the time, but further into the journey a new course needs to be considered. If it's not right for you, or you feel like there's been so much change that it's not enjoyable anymore, it's time to find a new path. 

I suppose what I'm trying to say - not very succinctly - is that MY opinion of who I am matters more to me now.  "Reputation is everything" now means "How I regard myself is everything". How does that factor into everyday life? It's important for me to evaluate how I'm living my life, every now and then, and to make fresh decisions that align my lived reality with my theory of who I am. 

                                   Full moon, from our backyard: June 2021

What Money Can't Buy / Lockdown Day 487

Sometimes, when I find myself stressing about money, I go through a mental exercise, where I focus on the things that make me happy that no amount of money could ever buy. It tilts the scales and brings me a sense of gratitude and peace.

For each of us, it would be a different list of things. Some lists may be longer than others, but we all have things that bring us a sense of all's-well-with-my-world that aren't dependent on money. I know that, when people experience the loss of a loved one, this is something that comes to mind. You're struck by the irrelevance of material things and you think about why acquiring them occupies so much of our lives, when all that really matters is loving people and enjoying the simpler things in life. 

Last night I was reading Brené Brown's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection", when I came across a section where she distinguishes between two types of goals - the usual ones, linked to achievements or  the acquisition of things, and another type, which she calls the "joy and meaning" goals. She encourages us to sit down with our loved ones and to write down our two lists. She says that, when she and her husband did this, they realised just how much they had to be thankful for.  

I'd like to end with a quote from the book:

"When we compared our dream list to our 'joy and meaning' list, we realised that by merely letting go of the list of things we want to accomplish and acquire, we would be actually living our dream - not striving to make it happen in the future, but living it right now. The things we were working toward did nothing in terms of making our life fuller. " (Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection) 

                                Part of a beautiful garden decoration, made by one of my cousins. 

Our Wolf Pack / Lockdown Day 486

My children and I have always been close. We've always been able to talk at length, listening to and supporting each other, with lots of love and laughter. My favourite people, for sure. My son's partner became a fourth member of this little group, and a few weeks ago we decided to formalise our ongoing sharing and cheering on of each other into our very own support group. We landed on a name and promptly renamed our WhatsApp group "Wolf Pack", from the book, Women Who Run with the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. (You might be surprised that this was not my suggestion, even though I love it.) 

We meet once a week, on the weekend, to chat. At the moment, our meetings are on Zoom, which is purely for practical purposes, while we're under lockdown. We thought the meetings would last an hour, but we stop when we've all said what we wanted to say, which sometimes takes three hours. And it's all ok. It works best when it's organic, flowing from the participants. 

In our first gathering, we started out by talking about our goals and where we currently were in relation to them - what our challenges were, what our fears were and what we felt the steps were to get to where we wanted to be. In our weekly Wolf Pack gatherings, we talk about what the past week has been like, what we've achieved, what we feel we could've done better, what we did not get around to doing, and what we've learnt. We also talk about what we have in mind for the week ahead. As we develop as a collective, we're also discussing interesting ways to preserve what we've spoken about and record recommendations (books, etc.)

We share a lot - habits that have helped us, tips for different things, podcasts, websites and YouTube links, as well as specific "motivational speakers" and Ted Talks we've found inspiring.

After our second gathering, I spent some time thinking about why I'm generally not a group person (anymore) and why I loved this group so much. I know exactly what it is. In practically every group situation, there's an element of competitiveness, which this group is completely devoid of. That was an epiphany for me. I've always thought of myself as a group/collective type of person, but I've been disillusioned by many groups. Since my epiphany, I've understood that the reason is that competitiveness - by either the whole group or one individual - has ruined previous experiences for me. 

Today we're having our fourth gathering, and I can't wait. It's not just about sharing your victories - it's a safe space to say that you haven't achieved what you thought you would, without being judged. I've also found that in every gathering so far someone has said something incidentally - not even a point that was being made - that has resonated strongly with at least one other person in the the group and helped them gain a new perspective on something. As artistic and creative people, we don't focus only on career goals, but also on our respective creative projects, which I find exciting and inspiring.

We share similar personalities and life views, which makes it easy to open up and be vulnerable. We also help each other get over feelings of fear and failure and to embrace the complexities of life. The only reason we can be this open, is that unquestionable trust exists among us. 

One of the most important aspects of this group is accountability. You are accountable to both yourself and the group; you have to do at least two things: show up every week and fully participate in the process - sharing openly, without reservation.   

Another essential element is respect. While all four of us are introverts and empaths, sensitive and creative, we're all different individuals, and this kind of collective can thrive only when those differences are respected.  

I love the feeling of being part of something that feels so right. I love the many possibilities that exist, for the group, and I especially love the growing group dynamic, within such a short space of time.  As someone who's extremely patient and who loves working on goals over a period of time, ticking off checklists and journalling throughout, I believe that this collective has the potential to walk interesting paths together and witness astounding results.  

Personally, I look forward to our last meeting of 2021, where we will have had six months of supporting each other in this way and where we can reflect on the process and appreciate the road we've travelled thus far, as a collective.  

I have no doubt that 2022 will present its own set of interesting issues for the Wolf Pack to tackle. 

Ahoooo! (That's my wolf howl. :-) ) 

                   

My July exercise stats / Lockdown Day 485

One of my goals is to exercise ten times a month. To people who go running once a day, that must sound pathetic, and to people who go to gym twice a day (yes.....), even more so.  

Anyway, this is about me. 

My year started off okay, with 9 in January. Then in Feb, it dropped to 5! I'd have to check my diary to see what was happening, but it could only have been a health issue, because the weather was divine and I loved working out with my trainer and jogging around the field. 

March and April were great, because I managed 10 in each of those. In May, I managed 9 and in June, only 8. I have to smile because I'm looking at the place in my journal where I record my monthly stats, and I see I pencilled in 10 at the start of July. :-) Today's the 24th and I've managed only ONE! 

What's been happening this month? Definitely health stuff. My daughter tested positive for Covid towards the end of June and we went into isolation for a while. Then I had to be tested and while waiting for the results, I didn't go out. Then I got sick, and decided to stay home.  I didn't get better and my doctor sent me for another Covid test. Both recent tests were negative. And that's what's been happening in July. 

Yes, I'm frustrated and annoyed that I've exercised only once so far in July, but life happens. Yes, it will affect my year's stats, but that is not a catastrophe. We're living through a pandemic - that's a catastrophe. 

It's been WAAAAAY too cold recently (our  coldest winter in ten years) for me to even miss going to the field, so when I do resume my exercising, I will do my workouts at home - a dance session, followed by a yoga cooldown. Yes! 

I've changed. Before, I would've been very down on myself, blaming myself for being a failure, etc. But life's too short for that. I've had almost a month of dealing with health issues in our household, it kept me from exercising and, as soon as I can, I'll resume.  

I look forward to steadily getting back to my exercise routine. I feel much better about every other part of my life when I exercise regularly. 

Something else that makes me feel okay about this month, despite the lack of exercise, is that I've continued to achieve other goals. It's important to me to have different projects and goals running concurrently. I've always been like this. 

                                                The field where I exercise. June 2021

Pot Plant / Lockdown Day 484

In December 2007, I started my two-week orientation for my new job at Eurocentres Cape Town, an English language school that was part of an international franchise. On my first day, one of my colleagues welcomed me with a pot plant. It was small and cute, and in a pottery container. It stayed on my desk until I left the job, in October 2010.  

I brought it home and put it outside, close to our door. It had become an outdoor plant, but still in its original pot. For years and years, I watered it, removed its old leaves and always felt excited when I saw a new leaf appearing. I have no idea what its name is - I should find out.    

A few years ago, I transferred it to a bigger pot and was fascinated by how quickly it started behaving like a bigger plant, growing impressively. But still I just kept on watering it, removing the old leaves and watching the new ones appear. 

It was only last year, during the first few months of lockdown, when gardening became one of the things we did more often, to stay sane, that I decided to transfer it to an even bigger pot, and to remove it from close to my door to the other pots in the garden.. 

You should see it now. I'm sure I have a picture somewhere, but I really should take a new one, because it's grown beyond my expectations.

That plant would always have looked like a tiny desk plant, if I'd left it in its original container. When I gave it more space, it flexed itself and showed me what it could be, in its new container. And now that it's in an even bigger pot, with deeper soil for its roots to flourish, it's growing like I would not have believed possible. 

I think we owe it to ourselves to change our contexts, every now and then, to see what we're capable of when given more space.

Stronger /Lockdown Day 483

It occurred to me, recently, that everytime I had overcome adversity, I had become stronger. Not only stronger, but more in touch with myself. Each challenge that I've encountered - and there've been many - has forced me to dig deep and find the strength I wasn't always sure I had. The more difficulties I overcame, the more I realised that resourcefulness was a skill honed by struggle. While I'm not romanticising the struggles that people go through, I feel that I've become better at coping with difficult things because of my previous experiences. 

Most importantly, I've learnt the following:

 - to be clear about who I am (and what I stand for)

- to accept that we're not all at the same point in our journeys 

- that when people underestimate me, it's actually not about me

- to be patient 

- to be fine with delayed gratification

- to trust myself

- to believe that there is always a solution

- to remain a person of integrity

- to give myself permission to feel crap on the days that I do

- to give myself permission to dream about a better future, no matter what the present is like

- that there's nothing as satisfying as moving on when the time's right 

- that I'm not afraid of change - in fact, as scary as it is, I love it

Oh, there are so many more I could list.  For what I'm going through right now, I had my Plan A, which was based on clarity I had repeatedly requested and been given. Now it's been turned into someone else's Plan A and a delay in my own plan. The sad thing is that, ultimately, when we treat people badly, like commodities, and we disrespect them just because the context we're in gives us the so-called power to do so, all we're doing is firmly closing any doors that would otherwise have remained open. 

I normally have a thing about not closing doors, but I've learnt, as my boundaries have improved, that some doors just aren't worth leaving ajar. 

                                                                 A selfie at a gig in 2016

I really should play more / Lockdown Day 482

I'm still reading Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, given to me as a birthday gift from my son, almost a year ago. It's not that the book is a difficult read - on the contrary, it's probably something you could read in a day - it's that I don't read enough. With my wool craft, I tend to sit down and watch movies/series, while knitting or crocheting. It's like losing myself in another world, after a day of dealing with life's peculiarities.  It's strange, because I love reading and whenever I do, I think about the fact that I could be doing so much more of it. 

I also have a problem in that I tend to be reading three books at the same time. Hmmmmm.... 

Anyway....  the chapter I started with, this morning, is entitled "Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth". Wow! She talks about the importance of playing, just for the sake of it - to have fun, to do the opposite of what we think adults should always be doing, namely, achieving or succeeding. Interesting. 

I can relate to that. How many times have I said things like, "I wish I had more hours in a day", or "Life is so hectic!" It becomes a habit to say those things and to keep living that way, without realising we have a choice. You can break your day up into sections and start by controlling the parts that you can. Eventually, you can get even the crazy parts of the day to become less crazy. You can. And if you've tried everything and it still doesn't work, it might be time to place yourself in a new context.   

Something I've learnt about myself is that I'm really not interested in competing. If I'm in a group and a number of people are being loud and talkative, I become even quieter. I actually hate competitions. I would never enter a talent competition - not because I'm scared I'd lose, because it just feels so arbitrary and so dependent on the opinions of a handful of people, each with their own agenda (and ego). I actually hate all the television shows that turn everything into a competition, like cooking and designing, or whatever else they take the fun out of. My favourite cooking shows are the ones with Nadiya Hussain. She's delightful. And she has fun. I feel inspired and uplifted when I watch her. She makes me believe I can do anything I put my mind to. 

I've often been called an idealist, so I've often referred to myself in that way, too. The reason is that I don't aspire to what many others think one should aspire to. And they always have suggestions for what you should be doing with your skills, talents or interests. How about letting me choose? If I'm building up my fitness by running, why can't I run just because it makes me happy? If I play guitar and sing, why do I have to enter a competition for other people to tell me I am or am not good enough? Why can't we do things just for fun? I believe that's called playing. 

I think that being involved in the music world parallel to my full-time job was what enabled me to cope with the stress that I encountered in the workplace. I felt this when I was teaching, as well as in my current job, in corporate philanthropy. I also found it worked for me to compartmentalise - to keep the two parts of my life separate. Every now and then, the two worlds would intersect, but that was rare. It worked for me to keep them apart. I feel like my music identity is linked to something magical, which I don't want my day job to diminish in any way.   

Oh, I've just seen the message written at the beginning of the book, by Nick:

To my mother

for teaching me

the first songs I ever learnt

so that I could write mine 

and also for writing her own  

                                                             Thank you, Nick. ❤

Positive Outcomes / Lockdown Day 481

 One of the items in my daily habit tracker is "Meditate". On a good day, I do a guided meditation first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I started meditating last year, during lockdown, when I discovered a whole universe of guided meditations on YouTube.

I always used to think that, to meditate, you had to sit absolutely still, in silence, for at least an hour, which I couldn't really see myself doing. But with the YouTube meditations I do, I select ones that last 10 - 15 minutes. Seriously, that's enough for me, at this stage. 

This morning, I did a meditation on "Positive Outcomes", which was exactly what I needed. If you think about it, whenever we achieve a goal -  or even just move slightly closer to one - what usually precedes it is a positive thought, or a shift in attitude. In fact, the more that life throws my way and the more challenges I work through, the more I realise that one's attitude really does determine one's altitude (to use an over-used phrase). 

Doing a morning meditation sets the tone for my day. It gives me a perspective that I apply to whatever comes my way. 

Here are a few affirmations that came up in this morning's meditation:  

🌱 "I am willing to align my perception with that of positive outcomes."

🌱"I recognise that the choice is mine. I choose to see positive outcomes."

🌱 "Even when I'm not sure what they are, I trust in the vague sense that only positive outcomes are  possible."

🌱 "Only positive outcomes are real." 

🌱 "I am where I'm meant to be."

🌱 "I believe in positive outcomes."

**************************************************** 

Today, someone very special to me received disappointing news. I spent a lot of energy worrying about her - worrying how she was doing, worrying how the news had impacted on her day and how she'd move forward. Because I had done this meditation, I actually believed that the situation was exactly what it should be, and felt that, in time, this would become clear to all involved. To my delight, she spent some time processing the news and arrived at the same conclusion - that it was a blessing in disguise.  

*************************************************** 

Here's the link to the meditation: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBjXj7AwouY&ab_channel=GreatMeditation 

Peace 🐦

                                                      I found this image online. I really like it. 

Power / Lockdown Day 480

As usual, my thoughts are all over. 

Today I'm thinking about how people behave when they are in positions of power. The pattern seems to be the same, no matter if they're positions in a sports club, at a school, in a band, in a company or in government. The same goes for religious groupings and families. Some people seem to wield their power as though they're untouchable, like it's something they'll always have; they take decisions that have serious implications for people, not thinking beyond the immediate goal or how they can advance themselves. They go back on their previous statements and lie about what was originally said, manipulating narratives as a matter of course. In fact, they operate as though whoever they're addressing is stupid. They destroy any remaining vestiges of trust and credibility. They're secure within their power-hungry milieu and wield their authority with cut-throat impassivity. Most of them leave no space for you to ask questions or make a counter statement. You're expected to know that your opinion is of no consequence. 

Someone once explained to me the difference between power and authority. One was where only the person believed he had it and the other was about consensus, where everyone around the person viewed the person that way. I wish I could remember which was which - they seem interchangeable to me.     

And then there is the other extreme, where someone who has the power to make decisions that have huge implications for others' lives does so with compassion. This is a style with which I work well and which I have tried to emulate, whenever I've found myself in a leadership position. It speaks of a level of respect for everyone around you and a perspective that you are part of a collective, even though you're a leader.  You confer, you listen to others' input, you consider different perspectives. Yes, you still have to take the final decision, but your way of arriving at it is inclusive and with long-term sustainability in mind. Whenever I see someone shouting at someone else, especially in the workplace, I wonder, "Where do they go from there? How can that lapse in judgement, that disrespect, ever be undone?"  

People often assume that a compassionate leadership style is weaker and more likely to be found in women, but that's not necessarily true. In our society, women are encouraged to be more compassionate and caring, but there definitely are enlightened men who are capable of this style of interaction. And,  believe me, there are women leaders who fall into the first category. 

What I've discovered is that people whose sole focus is on pleasing their superiors, on scoring points, on being promoted or welcomed into the in-crowd,  are often incapable of showing empathy towards people on the lower rungs. I think that, somewhere along the line, they develop both tunnel vision and a thick skin, and it is this combination, as well as an infatuation with the trappings of success, that blinds them to the importance of keeping things real and of treating people like the precious beings they are.

Ever since I was a child, I've found myself in leadership positions. In recent years, my job has put me in a position of having to take difficult decisions and to communicate them to the people affected. People who were my superiors often accused me of being too soft, but the alternatives suggested, in most cases, were not what I could align myself with. I'd even request that my name be removed from a document, if I could not defend what was written in it. 

I come from a family of people who are good at language - that's a gift you have to use, whenever you can, to resolve things peacefully. I've raised my kids with this view, as well:  "You know enough language to say anything to anyone, without humiliating them or losing your dignity." Obviously, it's about a lot more than just language, but even so, it's a good place to start. 

And so, as I prepare to take my leave of my current place of employment and contemplate what lies ahead, I'm grateful for everything I've learnt in this company and excited about the next chapter of my life. 

If I have authorship of my life, as I believe I do, may I use my thoughts, words and actions to continue living a gentler alternative. Unapologetically.    

                                                Muizenberg Beach, June 2021

This Is My Journey

“I’ve found myself at the crossroads before. Somehow, I’ve always managed to find my way.” 

That’s how I ended my previous blog post, on 16 June.

Well, since then, I’ve made a life-altering decision. To many people, it will seem like a sudden decision, but it isn’t. For most of lockdown, I’ve had a feeling, on a very deep level, that something in my life was shifting. I didn’t know what, I didn’t know how it would manifest, but I knew that I’d recognise it when it came.

On the 3rd of June, we were informed that our company had entered a Section 189 process, by the end of which a certain number of employees would have been retrenched.  Since then, which is just over six weeks ago, I’ve been going through the different aspects of this process. It’s the same as any other big change in life, yet it’s unlike anything else. All three positions in my team were declared “redundant” and two new positions created, for which we were invited to apply. You can see how, despite it being a common corporate process, especially during the Covid-19 pandemic, it inherently hurts people. It breaks up people who were working as a collective and turns them into competitors.  

Once the facts had been presented to us, and we were each required to make a decision with far-reaching consequences, I found myself giving an instruction that was contrary to everything I’d ever told my team: make your decision as an individual; think of yourself, not your colleagues; do what’s right for you and your family.  Easier said than done, believe me.

On the 1st of July, I submitted my decision not to apply for either of the positions. Part of what happens in these situations is that not only are teams reduced in size, but the remaining/’new’ positions are offered at reduced salaries. This is another way in which it hurts people – you stay on, doing extra work because your team is smaller, but you earn less than you were before. You are basically required to choose between staying on and earning less, and being retrenched.  Not exactly win-win.

My decision gave rise to other processes within the company, which have not been resolved yet. Seventeen days after having submitted my decision, within the required time frame, I don’t have the clarity I thought I’d have by now. After five and a half years in the job, I will need time to do a proper hand-over. I had hoped it would happen in the next two weeks, but that hasn’t been confirmed yet.

Let’s just forget about the clinical side of this, for now – the process, the time frame, the many boxes  to be ticked. The personal impact is huge. Every day, I have to remind myself not to be in caretaker mode, making sure everyone else is ok, and to look after myself. I know the theory so well, but what has happened is that my health has taken a beating, in this time. I’ve even had to skip my first Covid vaccination appointment, because I’ve been feeling so sick.    

I’m at peace with my decision and am trying to disengage from the process emotionally, to survive the waiting, because certain things are beyond my control. I made the decision after much thought and, despite not having another permanent job lined up, I am sure I’m doing the right thing.

I’ve made big changes before – particularly with jobs and relationships – and understand that the transition period can be rocky. But this time I’m at a very different point in my life, having worked in Education (at different levels, in different capacities) for 29 years and in corporate philanthropy for five and a half years. Besides that, I’ve also worked part-time in the music industry for about 34 years,  been a mother for 26 years (and a single mother for 20 of those years), taken on various contract jobs, including radio presenting, been blogging for 12 years and have done some motivational speaking. The list is longer, but those are the most relevant, for now. 

Two months away from my 60^th birthday, I know myself better than I ever have, my boundaries are better than ever before and I have a much better understanding of how I’m supposed to live my life. I know what made me decide to leave my job and it’s that same set of guiding principles that will lead me to my next adventure. More than anything, I’m open to doing more than one job, in my quest to generate an income doing things that resonate with my soul.

So, yes – I’m standing at the crossroads again, but I’m excited about the future and the many possibilities that lie ahead.  I keep thinking of a little song I wrote last year, for a podcast series:

This is my journey

The road ahead, the road behind

This is my journey

Who knows what I’ll find

This is my journey

Who knows what I’ll find

     I took this photo in our area, a few days ago. Rainbows always fill me with hope. (July 2021)