New energy

It's only when Cape Town gets its vicious wind that I remember just how much it freaks me out. Especially at night. Right now, that kind of wind is blowing, carrying the threat of a storm so big, the radio stations have been broadcasting warnings for at least two days.

And life goes on. 

I returned to school last Wednesday, after our 13-day school holiday. I must admit, the day before school reopened, I felt like I'd achieved nothing in the 13 days, which was ridiculous for many reasons. Not only had I done a lot of crocheting - for our craft group's current project - but I'd also spent days doing schoolwork, in preparation for the term ahead. What I hadn't realised, until I actually got to school and started the new term, was that I had undergone a significant change. It's not visible to anyone, but I feel it strongly. 

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that the first term of this year was challenging for me. But it turned out to be yet another example of life teaching me, as it's done so many times before, that some lessons can only be learnt the hard way. Every day of my holiday, I spent time journalling: I used the time to process my emotions that seemed to be all over the place, to methodically plan how I could avoid a repeat of the first term, and to find my centre again. By the time I went to bed, the night before school reopened, I was 100% ready, and quite excited about going back. Bear in mind that this is the most stability I've had, job-wise, since my retrenchment from a private-sector job in 2021. Returning to school, to start the second of four terms, was a big deal. I got into bed feeling ready, excited and sleepy,

But, as tired as I was, I could not fall asleep.  I used to have that kind of experience often, in my 20s. And it usually coincided with the Full Moon! I've since heard about many others who experience the same thing. I lay awake, I tossed and turned, I meditated, I did Mind Power exercises, I did a visualisation exercise, but sleep would not come. The last time I looked at the clock was 02h30. I knew that when my alarm went off, the next morning at 05h15, I'd feel inside out. And I did. And that's how I went to school - prepared for all my lessons, as well as an after-school meeting, but oh so inside out. By 5pm, I could hardly keep my eyes open. 

What's really cool is that I realised, over the past three days at school, that I had in fact gone back with my balance restored. I had learnt the lessons I was meant to, I had reminded myself who I was and what I was capable of, and I felt a new spring in my step. Thank you, Universe, for the lessons learnt. 

I haven't done much in the line of music, for a while, because of the demands of my teaching job. There's no sugar-coating it - it's a highly stressful job that consumes your private time as well. Very different to my part-time adult education job and worlds away from my job in the corporate sector. Most days, I come home from school, relax for an hour, then start my next shift of schoolwork. I often sit up working till almost midnight. It's insane. I'm figuring out ways to be more efficient and to give myself space to do more of my Trudy things, like playing music, dancing and crafting.

Tomorrow our craft group, Knit & Natter, has its April meeting. I missed last month's one, because I was marking assessments, and I needed to minimise distractions. Anyway, I'm going to tomorrow's gathering. We split into groups and are busy making blankets to donate to the annual "67 Blankets for Mandela" campaign. I'm happy to say that thousands of hand-made blankets are donated to the needy, through this campaign, which now has international reach. I've made quite a few blankets on my own, but quite enjoy the collaborative approach, as well. I'm focussing on blues and greens, this time, which makes me very happy. Unlike the blankets I've made on my own, this one consists of squares, which will be stitched together. Tomorrow I'm learning the special technique of stitching squares together so that the stitching forms a decorative feature of the blanket. Cool!

                        One of the granny squares I've made for my group blanket.

I'd really like to teach kids at our school to crochet and create functional items, but time is so limited. Intervals are short, and there are already so many other activities going on. It would best happen after school, but that creates transport problems, as many of the kids travel by chartered buses.  Maybe I should check it out - see who'd be prepared to stay one afternoon after school per week, to learn to knit and crochet. Even if it's a small group, it could spark further interest. Yep, I'll give it a try. Wish me luck!

It's not even 10pm and I'm feeling very sleepy! I had a lovely day. 

That's such a good feeling.  

Tripped-switch reflections

The past day has pulled me right out of the peaceful space I try so hard, on a daily basis, to inhabit.

Despite the flowery words of our President in his latest State of the Nation Address (SONA), loadshedding not only continued, but was ramped up significantly the very next day! Yesterday, our area had loadshedding from 2pm, which meant we could reasonably expect to be using electricity again at about 4pm.  But 4pm came, 4:40pm came, 5pm came, and still no electricity. Accustomed to having NO faith in the powers that be, I deduced that the period had been extended to 4 hours. However, at about 6:20pm, I noticed that the street lights were on, so I called a neighbour to ask if she knew why our house lights were still off. It turned out, it was just my house - everyone else in the street had had their electricity back on since 4pm! 

I elicited the help of two other neighbours, and eventually reported the breakdown to the municipality. They logged my call, sent me a reference number, then confirmed that it had been assigned to a work team, and that it would be attended to within 24 hours. They indicated that the team might come out at night, too. Of course, I hoped they would, but they didn't. With my freezer contents safely in one neighbour's freezer and a lamp borrowed from another, I got through the night. Very ill at ease, I might add. This is South Africa - one house in total darkness can make you a target.

By this morning, I knew I wasn't going to make it to school - my first day absent since starting there in August last year - so I let the principal and my two HODs know. It wasn't exactly a morning of rest or productivity, because I had no electricity and I had to keep an eye out for the repair team. Eventually - just after I'd washed my body and hair in cold water - they called me to say they were outside. The house numbers in our road are a bit zigzaggy, so I popped my head outside to show them where my house actually was. Ten minutes later they left, having reset a switch in the electricity box in the street, which had tripped. That was just before midday.

Needless to say, being forced out your comfort zone like that makes you reflect on what it is you need for your daily survival.  In some parts of my life, I stopped setting lofty goals, because life just kept knocking the wind out of my sails. Instead, I save that dreamer part of myself for my creative endeavours, and strive for a baseline of comfort in the rest of my life. That's how much I've changed.  Yes, it's awesome to have nice things, to eat out, to buy new clothes, go to live shows, etc. but when you can't, you simply can't. That's a long story - a combination of choices I made, in my quest to rid myself of abusive people, and the trials that life sends us, in one form or another.  

On a lighter note, I'm preparing for a duo gig at a 5-star hotel. It's far - about one and a half hours away - but it's something I've chosen to say Yes to. I'm working with guitarist Rudy Burns, almost 2 years since we last gigged together. We've had one rehearsal so far and have scheduled our second one. I look forward to the adventure of it all. The music's the easy part. Wish I could stay over, and drive back the next day. 

                           Solo Session 6 - The Masque Theatre foyer. Photo: William Rose.

In true Virgo fashion, I have a written record of my music life since returning to performing, in March 2003. Yes - 21 years now! I was looking at the post-lockdown years, today: I did 29 gigs in 2022, and 17 in 2023. The cool thing is that, of the 17 in 2023, 15 were solo performances. That was a huge and intentional change in my life. No regrets. I'm still learning. 

                    Solo Session 6 - with musician friends who came to the show. Photo: William Rose

You know, if you don't shake things up, in different parts of your life, you stagnate. You don't grow. For those by the means, it's travelling to different countries and experiencing different cultures. For others, it's seeing as many live shows as possible. And for others, it's learning a new skill, or starting a new form of exercise. Wherever I have the freedom to do so, and when I stop getting in my own way, I set goals that take me in a new direction. Even if everything about me looks the same to the onlooker, I know that I'm breaking new ground, and that I'm adding chapters to my story.  

                     Solo Session 7: Seven Sisters Vineyards    Photo: Theresa Smith

 In a phone chat with my son, yesterday, I spoke about my solo sessions in the past tense, and he was alarmed, because he thought I meant I'd put them behind me. What I was actually doing was referring to the ones I'd already done, and how doing them had helped me stretch, as a self-managing musician. 

               Solo Session 7 - with friends, old and new.        Photo: Theresa Smith 

I've posted a few pics taken at some of my 2023 gigs throughout this article. Happy memories indeed. When my energy finally settles (new job), I will return to my solo sessions, armed with a few new songs, as well as the life experience gained since my last one (Aug 23).  

                                              Solo Session 8: Suzie's Coffee Shop

Sometimes, life needs you to put off what makes your soul sing for what pays the bills. Elizabeth Gilbert has a rather crude way of describing the jobs we do outside of our art forms. I won't write it here. I'm a teacher, after all. Heehee!  

Live your truth. 

Peace  

  

Boundaried Healing

Today is a stand-alone day. The past week has been a stand-alone week. On the home front, the past two months have been a stand-alone period. In my professional life, the past four months formed a stand-alone block of time. The entire year before that was a stand-alone period of time, in my working life, with the 6 months of unpaid work (still unresolved!) forming its own bizarre chapter. In fact, my entire life feels like a stand-alone 62-year period of time. On my good days, I lean towards believing in multiple lives, but on my bad days, I'm so glad we have just one life. 

This is my first post for the year, and it is my sincere intention to blog more frequently. We'll see. 

I've been thinking a lot about what my priorities for the year are, and all I can think of is that it is time to focus on healing. I don't think there's a person alive who isn't dealing with the impact of some past experience. I know that I have a tendency, despite my habit of processing things through writing, to fling myself into the next course-correcting chapter without sufficient attention to healing and gaining closure. I end up with a backlog of experiences from which to heal, and, unless I consciously set things in place to start the healing process, that backlog will keep growing. 

What I love about this time of year is that I have space to think more broadly, to step back and look at my life with more objectivity, and to analyse where and how I can proceed with greater clarity and authenticity. With the school year restarting in six days, this is the perfect time to set some plans in place for the year ahead.

So why call it "boundaried healing"?

A pattern I've observed in myself is how easily I go off-course, on my quest to honour myself. Yes, I can look back and find multiple occasions in my adult life where I have honoured myself, where I've left relationships and jobs where there was a clash of values. I can even think of small-group and one-on-one everyday encounters where I've implemented good boundaries, refusing to fall into traps set by manipulative people. But the truth is, my default mode shows the success story of childhood moulding - you know, that idea of bending a tree while it's young. Like many others, I was raised by a mother who prioritised considering others to the point where considering oneself was deemed selfish. Throw in a bit of good-old-fashioned Anglican guilt, and you get automatic compliance out of fear of going to Hell!  

In short, despite my mother showing fierce courage for a woman born in 1930, she could not shake the "nice-people-don't-do-that" legacy she had inherited, so she raised us the same way. As a result, in my adult life, I had to knock my head many times before learning that boundaries were not only healthy, but essential, if you don't want people to keep taking advantage of you.  What I've also noticed is that many people talk the talk, when it comes to boundaries, but have innately manipulative ways of dealing with those around them. With every single person I encounter, I get to a point where I ask myself, "What is his/her WHY?" Once I establish what someone's WHY is, I see the patterns more clearly and start to understand what's happening. I think that each person's WHY is basically the gap or need we're trying to fill. I've even heard people show remarkable clarity as to why they operate the way they do, but the phrasing of it is almost as though they're discussing another person, and not themselves - which is itself an interesting way to talk about one's insecurities.  

So - back to boundaried healing. I know that I have, in recent months, taken decisions that did not honour me and my needs, but that prioritised someone else's agenda. That's not always a bad thing - in fact, it's even admirable, at times. However, when I've stepped back and looked at the messy issues around the decision(s), I've had to admit that there was, at the very least, subtle manipulation, playing on my sense of kindness, justice, and not wanting someone else to be inconvenienced. 

That pattern needs to finally stop. You know why? Not something I learnt as a child, but it's actually okay to say a clear and unequivocal NO! It's not my job to save everyone in the world. If you ask me to do X, and I say No, you can simply ask another person, who might say an enthusiastic Yes. In fact, if we all answered honestly, we'd all be a lot happier, because we'd be living our truths. At age 62, despite having championed living one's truth, I feel like I've wasted a lot of years pandering to the whims of others - being a good girl, smiling despite the inconvenience, and delaying my own journey and progress. That was modelled to me throughout my childhood. People openly admire and compliment those who are martyrs, so that behaviour ends up being perpetuated, because we all want the strokes, don't we? 

But back to the topic. I keep thinking about the analogy of the airplane oxygen masks - in an emergency, you can't help another passenger unless you've secured your own mask. And that's as simple as it is: I can function effectively only when I am taking care of myself. And that, in short, is my focus for 2024. I will be taking care of myself. I will be healing and being extremely boundaried about it. In every part of my life. I will immerse myself in my creative pursuits, because they energise me and bring me joy and fulfillment. They are essential to who I am, and no-one can take them away from me. I've come to see the link between my strong need for independence and people taking advantage of me, using my kindness as a way to advance their own aims.       

I want to briefly mention two more things that are extremely significant to me, for the year ahead. The first may seem like an unusual aspect of being boundaried, but it's definitely part of honouring oneself  and one's gifts: it's not only okay, but extremely practical and handy to turn one's creativity into income-generating pursuits. Here, again, throughout my childhood I'd hear my mom say that she felt bad charging for her singing, because it was a gift from God. (Note how much self-sabotaging happens as a result of trying to follow religious teachings of humility, modesty, etc.) I know someone who makes jewelry - I would never expect her to give me things without charging me. I know someone who's a designer - same story. There are two hobbies that I love immersing myself in, and I have absolutely no qualms about charging for them: my wool crafting and my music. Not that I need to justify my stance, but both require me to spend money and time and pour my creativity into them. I get to decide when I do things without charging, and when I charge. I'm glad to say I've found a happy balance. 

In a sense, the next point relates to the need to earn extra money (from my hobbies), but it's also an entirely separate topic.  My younger child moved out two months ago, to live an independent adult life, something I'd always wanted her to do, but that had to be put on hold because of my employment issues. As I now live alone in a house more suitable for a family, I have taken the practical decision to downsize, which entails moving - after 27 years! I last lived on my own 33 years ago, and am surprised at how I've adjusted to solo living. However, moving house, after so many years, is a VERY BIG issue for me, for 2024. 

And finally: for many years, I've used an A5-sized appointment diary, and I always choose a specific page layout that works perfectly for me. This year, I'm using one I got as a gift, with the same page layout I like. What I love to do, at the beginning of the year, is draw tiny, colourful flowers on every page, with a different flower for each new week. No matter what my deadlines and pressures are, throughout the year, I will always see little flowers when I open my diary. 

It gives me a deep sense of peace and clarity to know that, even when life gives me a blank page, I'll somehow fill it with colour and life.