Timer set, and here I go. Random rantings.
I realised, recently, that I have a pattern of feeling shame for things that were not caused by me. The part that makes it so much harder is that I carry that shame for years, even after the source is no longer an aspect of my life. In some weird way, it remains with me. I suppose that's how shame works. And we don't realise how much of it we carry around. And, if we don't deal with it and shake it - or at least some of it - off, it will bleed into other parts of our lives.
I know that one of my earliest experiences of this was my father's drinking. Because the effects were so visible (he was never aggressive or violent, though), there was no way to hide the issue. At some stage, when I reached the age of visiting school friends' homes, I know I felt some shame about our socio-economic status. Random comments made affected me profoundly. Interestingly, it didn't turn me into a highly materialistic person, but made me feel strong empathy towards people who don't have much.
In my adult life, there were things about my longer-term partners that I took on as my shame. It took me a while, each time, to separate the issues and liberate myself. Having had the ability to leave unhealthy situations in the past - even though I often stayed too long - gives me confidence that I can do so again, if necessary. What I've noticed is that, as I've got to know myself better, I've learnt to detect the warning signs much sooner, and often find myself making exit plans long before anyone's even aware that I'm unhappy. When you're young, you're far less able to spot the aberrations, because you actually need to live life, to know life. These days, when I experience an energy from younger adults which is about mocking older people, I think... just you wait; life is going to knock you so much harder than you think possible and when you open your eyes, you'll be 60, and younger people will be treating you like you're obsolete.
Bu back to my topic of feeling shame for things I didn't cause. In 2023, I worked, for the first six months of the year, without being paid by my employer, College of Cape Town. It seemed like it would be sorted out the next month, then the next month, etc. It seemed like an admin slip up, until it became clear it was so much bigger than that. Every month, I borrowed money to survive, and every month, I carried on teaching adults doing their matric, and I religiously submitted my timesheets, but no payment was made. Skip to the present, where we (7 of us) have not been paid yet, and the college leadership has dug in its heels in a display of arrogance unbefitting an educational institution in a democratic South Africa. I've put my energy into surviving, and not into fighting the powers that be, although I know I can't delay that much longer. The financial complications that I'm living with make me want to scream, and again - I didn't cause this! I don't even think I'll write about my current reality. Suffice it to say that the non-payment of six months of my hard-earned income caused me serious harm. It affected so much more than just my finances. And to sort out the ramifications will take years. It angers me that I'm the one left feeling the shame for what my life's like, right now. It shouldn't be this way.
I WILL sort this out, and I WILL keep working on shaking off the shame for things I didn't cause.
Thirty minutes.
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