"If there's music inside of you, you've got to let it out." (From my song, Music Inside of Me)

Hi! I'm Trudy Rushin, and this is my blog, created in June 2009. I am a singer-songwriter-composer who plays guitar. Born and bred in Cape Town, South Africa, I blog about whatever captures my imagination or moves me. Sometimes I even come up with what I like to call 'the Rushin Solution'. Enjoy my random rantings. Comment, if you like,
or find me on Facebook: Trudy Rushin, Singer-Songwriter.

I also do gigs - solo, duo or trio - so if you're looking for vocal-guitar jazz music to add a sprinkle of magic to your event, send me an e-mail to guitartrudy@gmail.com.

To listen to me singing one or two of my original songs, type my name on www.soundcloud.com or www.youtube.com


















Saturday 19 January 2019

Checking in, early in 2019


I have three hours on my hands.

Who am I?
Trudy Rushin

Where am I?
Sitting in my car, in Granger Bay, watching the sea.

How am I?
Filled with excitement about the year ahead, with its new energies. I love the feeling of starting a year feeling a little wiser and clearer, based on the previous year’s experiences and lessons. I feel ready for the twists and turns that will inevitably arise. More than that, I feel readier than ever to step out of my comfort zone and push my boundaries.

Why am I?
I must admit, this answer comes down to two things, and I’ve decided they are enough:
1.    I choose to stay alive, for my children. I gave birth to them, I love them and I live my life with as much peace, gratitude and - most importantly – authenticity as I can, to give them a glimpse of what’s possible.
2.    My other reason for living is that I made this choice long ago: “I’m alive, so I might as well be very alive.”’ I have an insatiable curiosity about what lies ahead, and that’s why I refuse to give up, even when faced with circumstances that feel hopeless. If I do decide to give up on something, it’s always to move on to something else. I will never ever give up on life.    

 
                                                             Granger Bay, Sat 19/01/19

If the past two weeks are anything to go by, 2019 is going to be a year of intense and surprising experiences. Last week alone, I had three experiences which were really, really intense, and I thought to myself, “Fuuuuuuuck! We’re not even halfway through the first month, and this is what's already come my way!!’’  

I’m teaching myself to reflect on life regularly – daily, ideally – so that I don’t have a backlog of issues to deal with. I want to deal with things and dispel any uncomfortable energy as soon as possible, because the next episode could easily take place the next day, and you’ve not dealt with the previous day’s crap yet.

What I have also decided – and I love the clarity I feel on this – is that I will learn the lessons, no matter what. Two of my encounters last week were difficult conversations with people I’d known for a long time, which revealed aspects of them that took me by surprise. The issues were so fundamental to my value system, that those encounters may actually have caused permanent damage to those relationships.

Something I first read about in “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, is what she calls the ''Life-Death-Life cycle''. Coming to terms with this concept has equipped me with the emotional tools to handle the many forms of death we encounter, including the death of relationships. The truth is that there’s always life afterwards, no matter how hard the loss is and how profoundly debilitating the grief may be – there’s always life afterwards. When precious relationships come to an end, for one reason or another, I allow myself to go through all the stages of grief necessary, and I look forward to the tranquility that eventually comes. Because it always does. Eventually.

One of the things I will no longer do is make excuses for people who don’t deserve my support; I’d rather remain silent than speak in favour of someone undeserving.

So in one week, two people who’d been in my heart for many years, let me down very badly. I spoke my truth, I invited further engagement and all I encountered was an inflexible, brick-wall response. I then processed the feelings in my thoughts and in my writing, and I reached a point of clarity and peace. It’s not my job to change people who refuse to acknowledge that they’re being closed-minded. They can continue being closed-minded, but without me in their lives. And life goes on. I have a lot to look forward to, and looking back is not on my agenda.

The third experience was being part of a group of women who got together to have a baby shower for the wife of a man who’d been the trusted handyman of a friend, Patrick Johannes, who’d recently died. What made the gathering so intense (read, profound and moving) was that Patrick had been savagely murdered by intruders, in the very room in which we gathered. For most of us, it was the first time we’d entered the house since his death, and being there was strange, to say the least. Most of us had never met the mother-to-be before, but the impact of our gesture, on her and her husband, warmed our hearts. At least this experience, while qualifying as intense, was a positive one. I met a few women of substance I’d never met before, and it was Patrick who had brought us together, even after his death. Thanks to Michele for initiating the whole thing.

Naturally, the conversation drifted from one thing to another, including Patrick’s colourful and compassionate life, and his brutal, tragic and untimely death. I found myself being supported emotionally by people I’d never met before. How weird and wonderful. I was struck by the power in that space, that feeling of ‘’this is so right’’, but also by the irony of meeting to celebrate a person yet to be born, in the home of a beloved friend who was now dead.

It’s the 19th of January. There are 345 more days in this year! Wow! What can I say about the rest of 2019? Bring it on!

                                            Another pic of Granger Bay, 19/01/19

Tuesday 1 January 2019

My festive season break

From 1983 till early 2016, I worked as a teacher, except for two periods of about 2 years, when I did other things. For 19 of those years, I taught in the government education sector (primary school, high school and college) and enjoyed the quarterly breaks, as well as what was then a 5-to-6-week holiday over Dec-Jan. Wonderfully restorative, and something I took for granted. 

Since March 2016, I've been working in the corporate sector.  I get about 20 days of annual leave, which I spread throughout the year, saving a cluster for the December break. With the public holidays and weekends, I end up getting an uninterrupted break of about two weeks. During the year, I love taking my annual leave in half days, especially around gigs or other events, which makes me feel like I've had more than  20 days. 

I'm a list-maker; before I go into anything, I have to make a list. My list for this holiday has 19 items on it. I've done 6 so far. :-) But they were six significant ones, the biggest being ''Concert with Wayne".  Yeah!!! Our 5th one since he moved to Pretoria in early 2013. 

I live a short drive from the nearest beach - about 10 - 15 mins - and I always plan to go to the beach, during my holiday. But there are two things I REALLY HATE, and avoid whenever possible: traffic jams, and crowded places. Today is New Year's Day, one of the big beach days in Cape Town. So is tomorrow. So my plan is to do other things (from the list) for these two days, and then attempt a beach visit on the 3rd. Wish me luck!

My mom's with me this week, and her daily rhythms are completely different to ours, so there's always the unknown factor in terms of her being awake or even being interested in going anywhere. You have to take it one day at a time, that's all.  

What I love most about holidays is the change of pace: the absence of meetings and deadlines, the luxury of waking up without an alarm, and most of all, not having to sit in a soul-numbing traffic jam twice a day. Do you know that when Cape Town's traffic is crazy (because of weather or accidents), it can take me 90 minutes to do a 22km trip?! On a day like that, that means 3 hours in traffic on one day! I dream of living closer to work, but rentals are ridiculous, so I'll stay where I am. I live on a hill, in a cul de sac, and it's actually a very peaceful spot. I've been here almost 22 years. I will have to move one day, though. 

And our December holidays fall in our summer season, so it's glorious weather, loads of wonderful, mood-enhancing sunshine, laundry gets dry quickly, thanks to  the ever-present south-easterly wind, and there's just this lifetime of happy associations of summer and holiday, of sunshine and leisure time. 

I love writing, but during the working year, I'm constantly frustrated at how little time I have left to do the things that bring me joy - every day seems filled to the brim with responsibility. One of the reasons I stay up so late is that I want to do so much in the evenings, but I generally can't achieve them and get to bed before midnight. That's something I'm going to change, this year.

My word for 2019 is ''rhythm'', and that includes things like getting enough sleep, and managing my time better, so that I don't automatically feel out of balance once the working year starts. 

This year, I want to look after and love myself in the same way I do the people in my close circle. I think that's important. I'm putting Trudy back on my agenda. I have some serious intentions for this year, and I'm readier than I've ever been. No more second-guessing myself. 

As Rafiki says, in The Lion King: "'It is time!"'

                               After my Sabria's gig, on 15 Dec 2018. Photo by Summer