Alarm goes off
at 04:40 snooze for 10 snooze for another 10 get up morning routine breakfast
vitamins shower wash hair dress make-up scarf leave home 06:30 walk down the
road it’s dark be brave be strong you’re the adult be the adult get to the
creepy café opposite the creepy entrance to the railway station pass the creepy
guys who always hang out at exactly the spot where people stream across in at least
four directions getting to and from their trains in the morning rush walk up
the steps down the steps through the subway don’t inhale or you’ll catch some kind of disease oh wait here’s
a tidal wave of people who refuse to stick to the left and leave space for the
people coming from the opposite direction so we get to the other side somehow
and we’re spluttering from the cigarette smoke we inadvertently inhaled on the
other side we walk across a dark parking lot because the lights haven’t worked
for ages I keep telling myself I should write a letter to the editor but I only
think about the broken lights when we’re actually there so we walk the rest of
the way and we’re in Main Road where we press the button and bam like magic the
green light turns orange then red the cars stop and we dutifully cross now that
the green man is showing oh shit there’s the bus so we run with backpacks banging
against our backs all the time looking back to see how close the bus is and
checking if there’re people at the bus stop realize there are and know we’ll
catch the bus get on still out of breath but somehow feeling alive and ticking
the bus driver knows us and says what he’s heard me say so many times before
one to Newlands one to Wynberg I hand him the coins and he hands me the tickets
we find space near the back and settle into the uncomfortably narrow seats like
everyone else we plug in our earphones and lose ourselves in our music
I get off at my
stop and walk a block down a garishly-lit road past really odd shops wait at
the robots press the button wait like a robot while everyone else crosses
willy-nilly as though the rules have changed I eventually start to cross and
narrowly miss being hit by a taxi I glare at the driver who seems oblivious to
any wrongdoing I shrug and carry on the day’s long I say to myself can’t lose
my cool not now maybe later my mind starts to dart around this that this that but
I’m brought back to reality with the realization that I’m at the worst part of
my morning the walk under the bridge a narrow pavement ideally organized into a
single line of people in each direction but once again the rules aren’t what I
expect you walk you push you hold tightly onto your handbag you check the
ground because you could step onto anything from phlegm to a dead rat it’s
unspeakably disgusting and a route I take only because it’s too dark for me to
take my preferred route the one over the other bridge that I take in the summer
months I seriously try not to inhale again remind myself it lasts less than a
minute so just grin and bear it realize it’s like other parts of my life that I
put up with focus on getting under the bridge without any serious collisions
take the minor ones into my stride curse mentally as cigarette smoke is blown
into my face by someone from the other direction notice how people insist on
walking two to four abreast and then I’m on the other side watch out for the
bus
Walk down the
road past one of my favourite food places make a mental note to stop by after
work and buy something to take home get to work walk past security greet walk
across the parking area through the main building to our section of the campus
step inside the office I share with seven other people a world within a world
that I inhabit between certain hours where I forget my dreams and what makes me
shine because there are certain places in my world where the message is loud
and clear that to shine is inadvisable so I spend way too many hours of my life
trying to blend and not shine voice my ideas because I have so many but learn
early on how far that gets me so I remind myself that I need a job to pay the
rent buy electricity feed and clothe my family afford medical attention and on
and on and on I do however manage to find my voice in the classroom as I
teach a subject I love and I feel I am
contributing to the new South Africa one of my life’s goals but it’s hard for
me a free spirit to fit into the schedule of an institution with short breaks
and so many rules that make no sense and so many opportunities to introduce new
systems but I am a small cog in a big complex and over-complicated system of
wheels some of which turn more smoothly than others so I am constantly reminded
of how unwelcome my thoughts are and I strive every single day to fit in but it’s
harder than you can imagine a place where everything about me is ridiculed my
clothing is commented on deprecatingly by people who are drowning in debt but hey
at least they’re wearing designer outfits there is very little depth to any conversation
I have and I wonder how it’s possible for people to live in such different
worlds with such different value systems
For a long time I’ve
believed in a few unshakable truths which have unfailingly seen me through the strangest
of experiences it’s time I did some serious meditation about the choices facing
me I look forward to a brighter tomorrow where I once again feel like the life
I’m living is truly mine
peace
