When I think of 2019, I think of
it as a year in which I gained a lot of clarity, continuing the journey of liberating
myself.
This year, a few friendships –
some old and some new – showed some disturbing aspects, causing me to reflect
deeply on whether they’d be part of my future or not. Some decisions were
easier than others. All I knew was that, if a friendship reached the stage
where I felt I had to think ten times before I said anything (lest I offend the
person) and where I was always treading on eggshells, to avoid another
‘episode’, I needed to see the situation for what it was, uncomplicate my life,
and make a clean break. In general, I reach that stage only after giving people
numerous chances.
Another type of behaviour I decided
I would no longer make excuses for was deceit of any kind, underhandedness and
that awful way in which people manipulate others – often with a smile – and then
twist the story and act the victim when you call them out. Everyone has their
limits – I’m getting better at identifying when I’ve reached mine. And I don’t
stay trapped in indecision for as long as I used to. It’s about honouring
oneself. I think many women can relate to how difficult it is to honour ourselves
in relationships, both romantic and platonic.
The hardest part used to be fretting about
what people would say about me, once I’d drawn my line in the sand. And this is
the most striking part of this year – I actually don’t care anymore. I don’t
invest in anything anyone may say after I’ve taken a stand. If I take a stand,
on a matter of principle, I do so after a lot of introspection and with
self-knowledge. What comes with that state of mind is an acute sense of peace
with the consequences. I suspect it’s
part of the ageing process. Why would I want to waste precious time thinking
about what toxic people think about me? I have better things to occupy my mind.
I have an interesting life to live.
And that’s another fascinating
part of this year – every time I have walked away from something or someone, I
have created space in my life for new energy. Not necessarily new people,
because what’s also become clear to me is that I really don’t like socialising.
I can’t stand small talk. I love spending time with my special friends on a one-on-one
basis, where we really connect. I don’t need hundreds of friends – just a few
genuine, down-to-earth, no-frills, in-touch-with-themselves people.
Both my day job and my music life
put me in contact with lots of people. To regain my balance, I need a lot of
alone time, where I get to just be myself, by myself - where I’m free.
And that’s been another interesting
part of this year of increasing clarity – being more comfortable with my quirks
and authenticity. I actually don’t have to subscribe to what anyone else thinks
I should be. I already am a whole person, with an established set of values, my
own style, my own story, my own skills and talents, my own struggles and my own
victories. What we miss, when we try to mainstream everyone, ridiculing those
who don’t follow the herd, is the beauty of diversity.
I don’t need my family and
friends to be exactly like me – oh hell, no! I just need them to afford me the
space to be who I am. It’s called
respect. And its magic is that it’s contagious. Whenever I’ve spent time with
someone and I leave the encounter feeling either serene or excited about life,
I know that that person is part of my ‘tribe’,
and I’ll cherish that friendship. The converse is also true – if I find
someone’s company draining, frustrating and hard work, I can’t wait to get
away, which is the kind of clarity I choose not to ignore anymore.
In the book, The Secret, one of
the writers says, “Trust what you’re attracted to.“ I’m getting better at it.
But something written by another
contributor to that fascinating book has become a powerful mantra for me and something
I've started applying to every part of my life: “Clarity is power.”
Hout Bay / October 2018
