'"Clarity is power"

When I think of 2019, I think of it as a year in which I gained a lot of clarity, continuing the journey of liberating myself.

This year, a few friendships – some old and some new – showed some disturbing aspects, causing me to reflect deeply on whether they’d be part of my future or not. Some decisions were easier than others. All I knew was that, if a friendship reached the stage where I felt I had to think ten times before I said anything (lest I offend the person) and where I was always treading on eggshells, to avoid another ‘episode’, I needed to see the situation for what it was, uncomplicate my life, and make a clean break. In general, I reach that stage only after giving people numerous chances.

Another type of behaviour I decided I would no longer make excuses for was deceit of any kind, underhandedness and that awful way in which people manipulate others – often with a smile – and then twist the story and act the victim when you call them out. Everyone has their limits – I’m getting better at identifying when I’ve reached mine. And I don’t stay trapped in indecision for as long as I used to. It’s about honouring oneself. I think many women can relate to how difficult it is to honour ourselves in relationships, both romantic and platonic.

 The hardest part used to be fretting about what people would say about me, once I’d drawn my line in the sand. And this is the most striking part of this year – I actually don’t care anymore. I don’t invest in anything anyone may say after I’ve taken a stand. If I take a stand, on a matter of principle, I do so after a lot of introspection and with self-knowledge. What comes with that state of mind is an acute sense of peace with the consequences.  I suspect it’s part of the ageing process. Why would I want to waste precious time thinking about what toxic people think about me? I have better things to occupy my mind. I have an interesting life to live.

And that’s another fascinating part of this year – every time I have walked away from something or someone, I have created space in my life for new energy. Not necessarily new people, because what’s also become clear to me is that I really don’t like socialising. I can’t stand small talk. I love spending time with my special friends on a one-on-one basis, where we really connect. I don’t need hundreds of friends – just a few genuine, down-to-earth, no-frills, in-touch-with-themselves people. 

Both my day job and my music life put me in contact with lots of people. To regain my balance, I need a lot of alone time, where I get to just be myself, by myself - where I’m free.  

And that’s been another interesting part of this year of increasing clarity – being more comfortable with my quirks and authenticity. I actually don’t have to subscribe to what anyone else thinks I should be. I already am a whole person, with an established set of values, my own style, my own story, my own skills and talents, my own struggles and my own victories. What we miss, when we try to mainstream everyone, ridiculing those who don’t follow the herd, is the beauty of diversity.

I don’t need my family and friends to be exactly like me – oh hell, no! I just need them to afford me the space to be who I am.  It’s called respect. And its magic is that it’s contagious. Whenever I’ve spent time with someone and I leave the encounter feeling either serene or excited about life, I know that that person is part of my ‘tribe’, and I’ll cherish that friendship. The converse is also true – if I find someone’s company draining, frustrating and hard work, I can’t wait to get away, which is the kind of clarity I choose not to ignore anymore.

In the book, The Secret, one of the writers says, “Trust what you’re attracted to.“ I’m getting better at it.  

But something written by another contributor to that fascinating book has become a powerful mantra for me and something I've started applying to every part of my life: “Clarity is power.”

                                                             Hout Bay / October 2018