Yesterday, I didn't know how to handle the end of October heat. Then last night, it stormed, and I needed another blanket on my bed. This is Cape Town - even though I've lived here most of my life, I'm still fascinated by the sudden changes in weather. Yesterday, I planned what I would wear to a gig today, and last night I realised that Plan B might be needed.
I say 'sudden', but the truth is we have weather forecasts that give us adequate warning. We just find ourselves believing, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that 'the weather man' may have got it wrong this time. Weird how we still say 'the weather 'man', despite many women working in that field. Patriarchal language patterns.
I read my previous post, a few minutes ago, and I'm glad I did. Something happened this week that was the equivalent of a slap in the face with a wet cloth, but when I zoom out of the particulars of that one tiny pocket of my life, all I'm left with is gratitude - deep, perspective-filled gratitude. Something no-one can take away from me. No matter what, I still have the capacity to step back from the minutiae, take a philosophical view of things, process my emotions through journalling, learn the lesson, and feel excited about life and what lies ahead, including the unknown. I think that's how I've got through the things I have. I'm irrepressible. I'm that cork that just won't sink to the bottom of the glass of water. You may press it down temporarily, but as soon as you release the pressure, it pops right up to the surface. I'm basically a child, but with 63 years of perspective.
I know for a fact, though, that I would function more effectively, and feel less rushed, if I had a day to myself after each day. My life would consist of one day of normal life, followed by one day of me on my own, choosing to fill my hours with whatever made my soul do cartwheels of joy. Yes - I think that's my ideal. Of course, I'd like to have cartwheels of joy 24/7.... or, maybe not. Sameness of any kind soon bores me. What I would absolutely LOVE is 24/7 of choosing, though. Yes - it's the times of my life where I get to choose, and not simply follow orders, or try to convince my rainbow palette that monochrome is not that bad, that I feel my spirit glowing. Right now, the ratio of glow to no-glow is not good. But this has been my challenge for a long time. I don't even know if I want to believe in reincarnation, because the thought of coming back and struggling through another lifetime just wears me out. Maybe one life is enough, and the special assignment is to make it really count.
This week was a seven-day patchwork quilt. On Sunday my son visited me, with lunch that he had cooked especially for us. We spent a few hours together, talking about lots of things, including my eventual retirement - at this stage, still a few years off. That was really wholesome, and I appreciated his maturity on the matter. Both my children are deep thinkers, gifted with many things, including acute perception, compassion, and the ability to communicate sensitively and appropriately. I was happy to have begun that important discussion, and I'm proud that this generation is comfortable with having the hard conversations, and approaching the less glamorous side of life with a practicality that cuts out the drama. When an older person's health changes suddenly, and you haven't prepared as a family, it can go horribly wrong, with misunderstandings and the blame game ruining relationships.
Things at school are intense, as November exams start soon, so we're all finalising question papers and memos, and making sure all the relevant boxes are ticked. That's the easy part. The people issues are the hard part - the part I often wish I could avoid. But this is life - unless you're a hermit, you're going to have to deal with the messiness of inter-personal relationships. If you're in a social setting, you can't avoid it. In my personal life, I have a small, carefully selected group of people with whom I sometimes spend my discretionary time. They know, and completely understand, that I often prefer solitude. They also know that when we do spend time together, it's good. We don't pressurise each other, we communicate with honesty, respect and integrity, and we know we can depend on each other 100%. I am DEEPLY grateful to have friends like them. I don't take them for granted. But that's in my personal life. Thank God I have a life outside of my job!
On Thursday evening, I had a rehearsal with guitarist Rudy Burns, for a gig we're doing today. A 70th birthday party. Oh, wow! Playing and singing beautiful songs for hours.... let's just say it more than balanced out the unpleasant energies of the week. It reminded me who I was. Everything else becomes peripheral. After blogging, I'm going to start getting ready. I like to take my time and ease into the head and heart space of being a performer. As a child, I'd watch my mom get ready for her performances, and I loved how she'd let me play with her costume jewelry, some of which had belonged to her mother. I remember the smell of her skin lotion - Oil of Olay - as well as the hairspray. I loved watching her transformation, as she changed from Mummy to May Abrahamse, the opera singer.
On Wednesday, after the ugly incident at work, I needed to do something physical to work through my emotions, so I washed my car! I hadn't washed it since I moved house, in June!!! It looked great, but the inside was a mess. I wasn't angry enough to be a martyr, though, so the next day I got someone to clean it for me. I now have a clean car, inside and out, and it feels good. (I couldn't find the new chamois I'd bought, on the day I washed my car, but I found it yesterday when looking for something else! )
On Friday, our Stitch Club at school (in existence since Term 2) had its final meeting for the year. We had a little party, which magically included some unexpected live music! Made my day! If I'm still at that school next year, I have some plans for the club. If not, I hope someone else keeps it going. The kids (and I) loved our weekly gatherings, where we could escape the frenzy of school life, and just quietly play with yarn, learning basic techniques, and creating little items. It was a particular highlight for me - Stitch Club. I'm super proud of the kids who turned out to be the regulars, pitching up with their good energy and their big, bright smiles, week after week.
I stayed late after school, on a few days, which impacted my evenings, but it's that time of year, as I said. On Friday, though, I came straight home, exhausted and in much need of solitude. I enjoyed a relaxing evening, which filled my tanks a bit. Yesterday was a day of housework, with schoolwork taking up my evening. I find it difficult to focus in the heat of the day, so evenings work better for me.
Which brings me to today - the storm has abated, the sun's out, and I can see some patches of blue sky. It's not a warm day, though, and I suspect it might rain again, so I'll see what ye olde wardrobe yields.
This afternoon, I will enjoy singing and playing my guitar, alongside one of the best guitarists I know - someone with loads of experience, a huge repertoire across genres, and a level of mastery that leaves me speechless. What a privilege to make music with him. I will appreciate the blessing of being able to add to the birthday celebration of someone who's reached the milestone of 70 years. This family has hired our duo twice before, so it's extra special; they know us, and they chose us again. It's a good feeling. I'm really excited. The demands of my day job have left me with very little time to immerse myself in music, like I used to before. But the tide seems to be turning. Next week, I have two events at which I'm doing a few items. Thank you, universe.
I have so much to look forward to. And yes, I sometimes end sentences with prepositions. It's how I rebel. :-)
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