“I’ve found myself at the crossroads before. Somehow, I’ve always managed to find my way.”
That’s how I ended my previous
blog post, on 16 June.
Well, since then, I’ve made a
life-altering decision. To many people, it will seem like a sudden decision,
but it isn’t. For most of lockdown, I’ve had a feeling, on a very deep level, that
something in my life was shifting. I didn’t know what, I didn’t know how it
would manifest, but I knew that I’d recognise it when it came.
On the 3rd of June, we were
informed that our company had entered a Section 189 process, by the end of which
a certain number of employees would have been retrenched. Since then, which is just over six weeks ago,
I’ve been going through the different aspects of this process. It’s the same as
any other big change in life, yet it’s unlike anything else. All three
positions in my team were declared “redundant” and two new positions created,
for which we were invited to apply. You can see how, despite it being a common
corporate process, especially during the Covid-19 pandemic, it inherently hurts
people. It breaks up people who were working as a collective and turns them
into competitors.
Once the facts had been presented
to us, and we were each required to make a decision with far-reaching
consequences, I found myself giving an instruction that was contrary to
everything I’d ever told my team: make your decision as an individual; think of
yourself, not your colleagues; do what’s right for you and your family. Easier said than done, believe me.
On the 1st of July, I submitted
my decision not to apply for either of the positions. Part of what happens in
these situations is that not only are teams reduced in size, but the remaining/’new’
positions are offered at reduced salaries. This is another way in which it
hurts people – you stay on, doing extra work because your team is smaller, but
you earn less than you were before. You are basically required to choose
between staying on and earning less, and being retrenched. Not exactly win-win.
My decision gave rise to other
processes within the company, which have not been resolved yet. Seventeen days
after having submitted my decision, within the required time frame, I don’t have
the clarity I thought I’d have by now. After five and a half years in the job,
I will need time to do a proper hand-over. I had hoped it would happen in the
next two weeks, but that hasn’t been confirmed yet.
Let’s just forget about the
clinical side of this, for now – the process, the time frame, the many
boxes to be ticked. The personal impact
is huge. Every day, I have to remind myself not to be in caretaker mode, making
sure everyone else is ok, and to look after myself. I know the theory so well,
but what has happened is that my health has taken a beating, in this time. I’ve
even had to skip my first Covid vaccination appointment, because I’ve been feeling so
sick.
I’m at peace with my decision and
am trying to disengage from the process emotionally, to survive the waiting,
because certain things are beyond my control. I made the decision after much
thought and, despite not having another permanent job lined up, I am sure I’m
doing the right thing.
I’ve made big changes before –
particularly with jobs and relationships – and understand that the transition
period can be rocky. But this time I’m at a very different point in my life,
having worked in Education (at different levels, in different capacities) for
29 years and in corporate philanthropy for five and a half years. Besides that,
I’ve also worked part-time in the music industry for about 34 years, been a mother for 26 years (and a single
mother for 20 of those years), taken on various contract jobs, including radio
presenting, been blogging for 12 years and have done some motivational
speaking. The list is longer, but those are the most relevant, for now.
Two months away from my 60th
birthday, I know myself better than I ever have, my boundaries are better than
ever before and I have a much better understanding of how I’m supposed to live my
life. I know what made me decide to leave my job and it’s that same set of
guiding principles that will lead me to my next adventure. More than anything,
I’m open to doing more than one job, in my quest to generate an income doing
things that resonate with my soul.
So, yes – I’m standing at the crossroads again, but I’m excited about the future and the many possibilities that lie ahead. I keep thinking of a little song I wrote last year, for a podcast series:
This is my journey
The road ahead, the road behind
Who knows what I’ll find
This is my journey
Who knows what I’ll find
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