Boundaries are a girl's best friend

I used to have a theory that all interpersonal conflict could be related to two broad issues: expectations and boundaries. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that boundaries were, in fact, a subset of expectations, so my new theory is that all problems between people have something to do with expectations. Just think about it.

In my daily observations (of people), I'm fascinated at the issue of boundaries and how hard it is to actually be true to one's own, in day-to-day situations. We're generally socialised into pleasing others before ourselves and part of that seems to translate into doing what we'd rather not, so as not to hurt someone else's feelings. I look at some people who are very successful in their careers, who have by all accounts risen to the top of their fields, and yet they're exactly like everyone else in one respect - they're incapable of drawing boundaries. The interesting thing is that they then develop alternatives to the direct line-in-the-sand approach, which, in my opinion, just wastes a lot of time! Discussions and more discussions, explanations and more of them, creating side issues to distract everyone from the core issue, all because we lack the skills to look someone in the eye and tell them something we know they're not going to like. But what if we developed a socially acceptable way of doing just that? My rule of thumb is to say it like I would have liked it to be said to me, had the roles been reversed. The first thing it makes you do, is view the other person with respect (presupposing you view yourself that way!), and with that element in place, you're well on your way to a dignified encounter.

When I did the Mind Power course in 2003, with Robin Banks (who's currently training Bafana Bafana to believe anything's possible!), he told us that, as you become clearer about your own issues and you start being true to yourself, you'll find it's a bit of a lonely road. He was right. The people who can really deal with what I'm talking about, that absolute being-true-to-yourself approach, are the ones who're there already or are on the same quest. I'm afraid, most of us simply take offence. "She didn't like the ... I bought, so she doesn't like me! She's never liked me. In fact, I know she's actually jealous of me. She's never really fitted in here. We should get rid of her." etc. No, girlfriend, I just don't like the ... you bought. I wouldn't have told you, but you asked me my opinon! Next time, DON'T ASK!

I came across the title of a book which got me smiling: "Act like a Woman, Think like a Man". Now there's an interesting set of dynamics. I think I already do. I watch men in meetings, how they get to the point, make their point, then move on. In the Insights material, where the four basic personality types are described according to colours (www.insights.com), that's the Fiery Red. The way Robin Banks says those people approach others is: "be bright, be brief, be gone". Imagine how much more productive we'd all be in the workplace if that were our motto! Men seem to get that right a lot more than women, let's face it, ladies!

Men also seem to have no problem telling you what they like and what they don't, without being burdened by what their choice means to you. I like that. I respect that a lot. Most men live their lives making sure their needs are met, and then they worry about the rest. Why do you think you see more men running, at about supper time? They've got someone else sorting out the meal! Haha! They're focussing on running, on getting their needs met. Numero uno! Now, the day women figure out that it's as easy as that, and the two find a way to be mutually fulfilled, there'll be a lot less divorce.

I seem to have digressed from my initial topic.But, hey, rambling works for me too!