Love me, love my blog

Picture: A clever, delightful book I got from a friend when I left the school I'd been working at.

Tues. 02/11/10
In my sixth week at home, I can’t believe I haven’t posted a blog since late September! So much has happened, so many insights gained, routines implemented, goals set, procrastinated matters addressed – I can honestly say I’ve been too busy living my life to blog about it. But, as someone who writes compulsively – like I can’t move through life without documenting it, just in case I need to refer to dates and events at some stage and also because I actually enjoy reading back and seeing how (and if) I’ve changed – I must confess I have been journalling a lot. What’s the difference between blogging and journalling? Two main things, in my opinion: firstly, the size of the reading audience and secondly, the level of honesty. Haha! When I blog, I’m aware that there’s a public readership, so the text is checked and tweaked, then checked and tweaked again, before I press Enter and send it out into cyberspace. I’ve received enough feedback to know that, even though I have just 10 followers, a lot more people actually read my blog.

Thurs. 04/11/10
Journalling, on the other hand, is the process of writing like a waterfall – as the thoughts cascade, so do the words onto the page. I sometimes write so fast, I find it hard to read my entries afterwards. Besides the one mode of writing, writing, writing as I think, recording recent events, observations, opinions and impressions, there’s a second mode, the one where I process issues. I look at a situation in fine detail and I suppose ‘deconstruct’ would be a good way to describe what it is I do. That has got me through many difficult periods of my life, lots of dilemmas, lots of lows. I vent, I rant, I abandon the social niceties. But what a useful exercise it inevitably is! A third mode of journalling, for me, is making lists – all kinds of lists! Haha! ALL KINDS! Lists of things to do, goals (short, medium and long-term), and criteria. I make lists of criteria for everything – my ideal job, my ideal partner, my dream home, my dream car (that’s a short list: a big boot and a CD player!), my ideal gig, etc.

The past five weeks have had an identity like no other period of my life. There hasn’t been one moment where I could have said I was bored. There’s always something to do. And yes, I’ll admit, I like being busy. In fact, strange as it may sound, I like working. Losing my job was much more than just changing my daily routine and losing my income; it took me about four weeks to fully and honestly acknowledge that I needed to grieve, that that’s also part of this experience. I miss my colleagues, I miss the students. I miss that community I was part of for 34 months. But life does go on, and in a way I can’t quite explain right now, I embrace what’s happened as part of the universe’s beautiful plan for my life and I anticipate, with great excitement, the new phase that lies ahead.

Every week has felt different and had a different focus. I’ve done so much, and yet it feels like time has flown. I’ve uncluttered parts of my crazy house, also thrown things out of the shed, taken loads of recycling away and given things to my friend for her secondhand shop. I’ve finally had time to potter in the garden, and that’s become something I look forward to, because it’s so soothing, very rewarding and an activity that gives me space to think – I love the lessons about life that my garden teaches me. I’ve enjoyed watching the grapevine grow and also the way the garden has perked up in response to the attention it’s been getting. I took the bold step of cutting down a pot plant I’ve had since 1984, which recently just died, for no apparent reason. So I cut it down, composted the soil and have taken to chatting to it every now and then. Another plant I got recently as a gift, wasn’t looking too happy inside, so I put it outside yesterday. I’ll keep my eye on it.

I’ve been going to gym, mainly swimming and sitting in the sauna. That’s very therapeutic, and I’m lucky to still be able to do that. Another change I’ve had to implement, in the wake of my job loss, has been giving up my guitar lessons. That was hard for me. But my love for the instrument and for singing keeps me practising. I still have a restaurant gig (Café Adelphi, Sea Point), so it’s important that I keep practising.

On the home front, my being unemployed has had some nice spin-offs for my family, with my daughter being able to skip After School Care most days and my mom having me around a lot more, to chat to and go out with. My son’s been living with his dad for most of this year, so he’s not that affected by my changed routines. But that’s another story!

I spend a few hours every day jobhunting, mainly on the internet, but also in newspapers. I sent an e-mail out to my network explaining my situation and received a lot of replies, some asking for my CV, some pointing me to websites or organizations, and some just wishing me well, expressing their confidence that I’d find something suitable soon. I was moved by some of the e-mails people sent me, and I realized that we don’t thrive only on the tangibles that people send our way (contact names and numbers, websites, etc.), but also very much on the intangibles, the words of support, encouragement and love. And hope.

I’ve sent my CV to a few organisations I like (never done that before!) and I’ve applied for about five jobs. I’ve also registered with a few recruitment agencies.

Shoo, will this blog post ever end? I’ve also been doing more cooking than usual, trying to stretch the resources, and even that’s been fun – I’ve tried some things I hadn’t tried before. Oh, and I read a lot and do Sudoku!

Yesterday I fetched the demo CD my music partner and I recorded at his friend’s house a few weeks ago. Funny listening to oneself: after the first time, I decided I liked only one of the 5 songs, and that I’d use just that one as the demo! This morning, I listened again, and decided that four of them were actually not that bad. Oh, I could write a list of what I feel I could’ve done better, but basically it’s a means to an end (getting gigs), so that’s another project I’m involved in. Burnt copies today and wrote on the sleeves. Tomorrow, I’m printing mini-pics of the duo to put onto the sleeves. In for a penny,…!

I sincerely believe that the inner processes we go through are as important as the outer, more public ones. I also believe that the energy we vibrate with (inner world) has a profound effect on what happens in our lives (outer world). In keeping with that belief, I’ve been doing lots of Mind Power. I’m in my third consecutive week of the new Mind Power programme I drew up for myself. I choose four exercises a week and do them every day. They consist of things like affirmation, visualization, acknowledging and contemplating. I make notes of my sessions, and I’ve found myself sharpening my senses and my skills in this area of my life. Hard to describe to a cynic, but suffice it to say: it works for me. It’s a conscious choice, to view the world in a certain way, not as a helpless victim of circumstance, but as a powerful energy source, one that can influence outcomes. I’ve been following this lifestyle for 7 years now, and it’s taught me a lot, about the power of thought as well as the power of words.

With all this inner work, as well as the other emotional issues related to being unemployed, I’ve found myself becoming a bit anti-social, which is hard to explain to some people. I like being with my family, my best friend, my partner and some close friends, but I really don’t feel like being at large gatherings, especially where I don’t know many of the people. I enjoy watching live jazz, but not necessarily where people are over-indulging in alcohol and becoming stupid. Then I’d rather stay home and read, play my guitar, journal, potter in the garden, watch tv, listen to CDs or do Mind Power.

I always have music buzzing round my head, and I love playing with song titles, believing that for every person and every situation there’s a song title that’s a perfect match. What would mine be, right now?
Some possibilities:
I Will Survive
Imagine
Just in Time
Perfect

But the one I like best, which sums up my headspace right now:
This Could Be The Start of Something Big