Written 18 August 2012
Just when I think I’ve just come through the most bizarre time of my life, I seem to be faced with even more insane circumstances. Without going into too much detail, I have to say I’ve been confronted with one hectic scenario after the other, as life hurls a volley of shots at me that nothing could’ve prepared me for.
Today somebody put it into a universal, metaphysical context, saying that 2012 was in fact the end of an era, and that with such a time comes immense change. Many people I know have been saying that 2012 has also been a terrible year for them, so it seems there’s indeed truth to the universality of the unsettled nature of things.
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It’s a Saturday and I’m sitting in my car, outside my children’s school, while they do whatever they’ve come to do. Decided it was a waste of time and petrol to drive home, as they’d just be busy for an hour. On the way home, I have to drop one of them somewhere. Once home, I’ll teach two guitar lessons, then take the other one somewhere else and pick up the first one. I’d planned to use the sunny weather today to do much-needed laundry, after all the icy, stormy weather, but it was not to be. Let’s just say “external factors” mitigated against me, and I couldn’t use my yard. No rain forecast for tomorrow, so I’ll get up tomorrow with the same plan and hope for a more friendly outcome.
In too many areas of my life, I feel the walls closing in on me, as I struggle to be who I am and to live my truth. In two weeks’ time, if all goes well, I’ll earn my first salary in five months, which will take care of one huge, lingering, festering problem. The job I’m in is a temporary one, and one to which I’m committed to giving my best, despite immense challenges.
I really do look forward to 2013, as I anticipate it being the complete opposite of 2012, with loads of opportunities and things that work out right, without all the difficulties this year’s had.
*******************************************************************************
Listening to one of Amy Winehouse’s albums. She had an old soul, that one, organically connected to music from an era long gone. Everytime I remember that she’s dead, I feel sad. I feel sad that the world won’t have the gift of her voice on any new albums or in live shows. But most of all, I feel sad because I’ve heard her lyrics and seen some documentary footage of her life, and I think she was a woman, like so many others, who made choices that brought her immense pain. Some of those choices resulted in her death at age 27. So sad and so avoidable.
A beautiful friend gave me an interesting book today: “How To Publish Your Own e-Book”. It was a strange feeling, because my life’s changed completely since I started this teaching post, and I have so much school-related reading to do, that I can’t read anything else for a while. Also, because my days are so full and tiring, I don’t really have much time for my artistic life. You can imagine how frustrating that is, especially as I was hoping to put the finishing touches to my recording by the end of August. That’s definitely not going to happen, as I’m taking a lot of strain in this job, and I’m constantly hoarse.
I woke up this morning, thinking of different ways to survive the next few months. I find myself teaching in an environment that requires me to be a very different person to who I am, and the biggest challenge I’m faced with is finding creative ways to lessen the gap between the two extremes. I love teaching, and I particularly love teaching English - especially literature - but I find myself in the strangest of situations, teaching children who seem to resist being taught! It’s the craziest thing ever! You can waste a third to half of every period dealing with unruly behaviour that prevents you from teaching what you’ve come prepared to teach. Absolutely amazing!
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a few things that will get me through this contract: the fact that I now have a job, after four months of being unemployed, the fact that it’s actually a well-run school with good teachers and well-thought-out systems, the fact that earning a salary enables me to take better care of my children and, lastly, the possibility that I could make a difference to the life of even one of the children I teach, and, in so doing, set him/her on a journey towards authenticity and fulfillment.
You never know…..
Friday, 14 September 2012
The Rabbit Hole
Written 11 August 2012
Yesterday I picked up a DVD someone gave me about 7 years ago, and started watching it again. It’s called “What the bleep?”, also known as “Down the Rabbit Hole”. Like my two favourite books (“Women Who Run With the Wolves” and “The Art of Possibility”), this DVD is something I’ll never get tired of. It’s what could be called a documentary, I suppose, although it’s far more than that – I just don’t have the right term for it, right now. All I know is, it touches my soul every time I watch it. It affects me, moves me, disturbs and challenges me. It makes me think deeply about my choices, past, present and future.
“What the bleep?” explores the field of quantum physics and basically asserts, amongst other things, that there’s a myriad of possibilities for each of us, yet we somehow choose to do the same things in the same ways over and over again, opting for the safe, known choices. It challenges us to dare to explore other possibilities, to connect with the power inside of us and to fully exploit the fact that what’s inside of us is capable of determining what’s outside of us. We’re raised to react to external stimuli and to suppress strong tendencies, urges, drives from within; this group of theorists asserts that inner power is even more powerful than what we’re confronted with in the external world. This topic, articulated both scientifically and poetically by the different contributors, fascinates me – I love listening to the scientists talk about it and seeing the kinds of experiments they’ve done to prove their theories.
I’ve come to appreciate that life/the universe seems to keep bringing me the same message, over and over again. It’s been this way for many, many years: live YOUR truth. I have gone through successive relationships and jobs, getting it right for a while, but then missing the point – knowing the theory, but not internalizing it to the extent where I can honestly say I’m a Trudy-driven being, making my way through life fully living MY truth.
Let’s take the job scene, for example: in 1982, I left college as a qualified teacher, having completed a three-year diploma course, specializing in Junior Primary (now known as Foundation Phase). I applied to four schools, was accepted by one, and in January 1983, started teaching at a small, state-aided church school in the southern suburbs of Cape Town. I taught in the same classroom for the entire 14 years that I was there, and left the school when the government offered Voluntary Severance Packages to teachers, in some hare-brained scheme to reduce the number of teachers by 6000. Even though I regarded the government’s scheme as insane, I had many personal reasons for leaving. I had started studying part-time at UWC in my second year of teaching, and by the end of 1993, had completed my English Honours degree. That, as well as factors at the school and in my personal life, had made me restless, hungry for a new beginning.
In hindsight, I can see that that was actually the beginning of an extremely significant shift for me. I had, in fact, reached saturation point with my first career choice. I definitely did not want to teach little children anymore – I’d wanted to do so since I was a child, and after 14 years of it, knew that that was the end of that chapter. In the first three years after taking the package, I studied some computer courses, got a Public Relations Certificate, had my second child, and then did a short course of study which took me into my next line of work, teaching English as a foreign language. I started in that industry (EFL) in 1999 and worked continuously until early 2006.
Then, after having to close my own language school, I went back on my promise to myself and accepted a teaching contract at a high school fraught with problems. I stayed there for 18 months. Some of the things I experienced there, a decade after leaving the government school system, shook me to my core, and I realized how much I had changed. I also realised that, when you’ve been working in the private sector, especially at management level, you think and operate very differently to people who’ve only ever worked in the government school system. I had to do a lot of soul searching and what I’d call behaviour-and-demeanour modification, to survive. In the last term of my contract, I was offered a position as assistant manager of an established EFL school, and I jumped at the opportunity to return to the industry I’d grown to love. What I learnt, when I was retrenched from that position, almost three years later, was that a ‘permanent’ job can be here today and gone tomorrow. You have to appreciate what you have when you have it, and celebrate life’s blessings when you have them; take nothing for granted.
My tumultuous journey since my retrenchment has brought me repeatedly to a set of truths about myself. I’ve also come to understand that knowing your truth and living your truth are two very different things. I can say with all honesty that I know my truth. Am I living it, though? That’s another story altogether.
One of the fascinating dynamics about us all is that we have these different voices inside our heads, telling us all kinds of things. Whose voice we choose to listen to is what ends up directing our paths. For too many of us, the voice we listen to is not our own, but rather a powerful voice, usually an authority figure from our childhood, that tells us who we are and what we should do….. from that person’s perspective. The truth is that, for people who know they’ve changed since that initial career choice, that is no longer the voice you should be listening to.
One often hears this advice given to people who are striving to realize some dream or other: “Surround yourself with people who believe in, and support, you and your dream”. It’s a completely insane, out-of-body kind of feeling to know, with every fibre of your being, who you are and what your heart desires, and then to be told by people that you’re actually someone they knew thirty years ago, someone you know you stopped being long, long ago.
It’s also interesting how families often make no room for this kind of change, this career shift phenomenon that is experienced by millions of people all over the world; any little thing can be used to justify their theory of what’s right for you. Be perceived as having failed at your new venture, and that’s all the fuel they need to say, “You should’ve stuck to…! Why don’t you just find a nice … job?”
In less than a month I turn 51. There are some voices I need to shut out of my head, once and for all, especially on certain topics. It’s about time! I need to listen to my own voice more, follow my own path, my own truth. Because only I know what makes my heart sing. I know what makes my spirit soar, and I know what puts a smile on my face that just won’t go away. I know. I’ve always known. Ever since I was a child.
So, call me idealistic, unrealistic, blah blah blah – I still know who I am. I will go as far down the rabbit hole as my instincts tell me to.
How far are you prepared to go?
Yesterday I picked up a DVD someone gave me about 7 years ago, and started watching it again. It’s called “What the bleep?”, also known as “Down the Rabbit Hole”. Like my two favourite books (“Women Who Run With the Wolves” and “The Art of Possibility”), this DVD is something I’ll never get tired of. It’s what could be called a documentary, I suppose, although it’s far more than that – I just don’t have the right term for it, right now. All I know is, it touches my soul every time I watch it. It affects me, moves me, disturbs and challenges me. It makes me think deeply about my choices, past, present and future.
“What the bleep?” explores the field of quantum physics and basically asserts, amongst other things, that there’s a myriad of possibilities for each of us, yet we somehow choose to do the same things in the same ways over and over again, opting for the safe, known choices. It challenges us to dare to explore other possibilities, to connect with the power inside of us and to fully exploit the fact that what’s inside of us is capable of determining what’s outside of us. We’re raised to react to external stimuli and to suppress strong tendencies, urges, drives from within; this group of theorists asserts that inner power is even more powerful than what we’re confronted with in the external world. This topic, articulated both scientifically and poetically by the different contributors, fascinates me – I love listening to the scientists talk about it and seeing the kinds of experiments they’ve done to prove their theories.
I’ve come to appreciate that life/the universe seems to keep bringing me the same message, over and over again. It’s been this way for many, many years: live YOUR truth. I have gone through successive relationships and jobs, getting it right for a while, but then missing the point – knowing the theory, but not internalizing it to the extent where I can honestly say I’m a Trudy-driven being, making my way through life fully living MY truth.
Let’s take the job scene, for example: in 1982, I left college as a qualified teacher, having completed a three-year diploma course, specializing in Junior Primary (now known as Foundation Phase). I applied to four schools, was accepted by one, and in January 1983, started teaching at a small, state-aided church school in the southern suburbs of Cape Town. I taught in the same classroom for the entire 14 years that I was there, and left the school when the government offered Voluntary Severance Packages to teachers, in some hare-brained scheme to reduce the number of teachers by 6000. Even though I regarded the government’s scheme as insane, I had many personal reasons for leaving. I had started studying part-time at UWC in my second year of teaching, and by the end of 1993, had completed my English Honours degree. That, as well as factors at the school and in my personal life, had made me restless, hungry for a new beginning.
In hindsight, I can see that that was actually the beginning of an extremely significant shift for me. I had, in fact, reached saturation point with my first career choice. I definitely did not want to teach little children anymore – I’d wanted to do so since I was a child, and after 14 years of it, knew that that was the end of that chapter. In the first three years after taking the package, I studied some computer courses, got a Public Relations Certificate, had my second child, and then did a short course of study which took me into my next line of work, teaching English as a foreign language. I started in that industry (EFL) in 1999 and worked continuously until early 2006.
Then, after having to close my own language school, I went back on my promise to myself and accepted a teaching contract at a high school fraught with problems. I stayed there for 18 months. Some of the things I experienced there, a decade after leaving the government school system, shook me to my core, and I realized how much I had changed. I also realised that, when you’ve been working in the private sector, especially at management level, you think and operate very differently to people who’ve only ever worked in the government school system. I had to do a lot of soul searching and what I’d call behaviour-and-demeanour modification, to survive. In the last term of my contract, I was offered a position as assistant manager of an established EFL school, and I jumped at the opportunity to return to the industry I’d grown to love. What I learnt, when I was retrenched from that position, almost three years later, was that a ‘permanent’ job can be here today and gone tomorrow. You have to appreciate what you have when you have it, and celebrate life’s blessings when you have them; take nothing for granted.
My tumultuous journey since my retrenchment has brought me repeatedly to a set of truths about myself. I’ve also come to understand that knowing your truth and living your truth are two very different things. I can say with all honesty that I know my truth. Am I living it, though? That’s another story altogether.
One of the fascinating dynamics about us all is that we have these different voices inside our heads, telling us all kinds of things. Whose voice we choose to listen to is what ends up directing our paths. For too many of us, the voice we listen to is not our own, but rather a powerful voice, usually an authority figure from our childhood, that tells us who we are and what we should do….. from that person’s perspective. The truth is that, for people who know they’ve changed since that initial career choice, that is no longer the voice you should be listening to.
One often hears this advice given to people who are striving to realize some dream or other: “Surround yourself with people who believe in, and support, you and your dream”. It’s a completely insane, out-of-body kind of feeling to know, with every fibre of your being, who you are and what your heart desires, and then to be told by people that you’re actually someone they knew thirty years ago, someone you know you stopped being long, long ago.
It’s also interesting how families often make no room for this kind of change, this career shift phenomenon that is experienced by millions of people all over the world; any little thing can be used to justify their theory of what’s right for you. Be perceived as having failed at your new venture, and that’s all the fuel they need to say, “You should’ve stuck to…! Why don’t you just find a nice … job?”
In less than a month I turn 51. There are some voices I need to shut out of my head, once and for all, especially on certain topics. It’s about time! I need to listen to my own voice more, follow my own path, my own truth. Because only I know what makes my heart sing. I know what makes my spirit soar, and I know what puts a smile on my face that just won’t go away. I know. I’ve always known. Ever since I was a child.
So, call me idealistic, unrealistic, blah blah blah – I still know who I am. I will go as far down the rabbit hole as my instincts tell me to.
How far are you prepared to go?
National Women's Day (South Africa) & Dr Dawn Garisch
Written 09 August 2012
Today we commemorated the day in 1956, when thousands of South African women marched in protest against the unjust system of government at the time, specifically against the Pass Laws. Funny how it’s become a day when different groups organize pamper parties, etc. for women. I suppose, because it’s a public holiday and the focus is on women, it’s become open to interpretation. So what did I do, besides the usual domestic and family stuff? I was invited to join a good friend and some of her friends at a women’s breakfast in aid of St Luke’s Hospice, a very worthy cause.
For me, it was a hugely significant morning. The guest speaker was Dr Dawn Garisch, a medical doctor who’s also a writer. I was intrigued by the way she introduced herself as “a writer who does some doctoring” – her point being that you can choose how you want to describe or define yourself. This, of course, is something I feel passionate about.
Dawn Garisch is someone who played an important role in my life, six years ago. I called a MediCross centre, asked for an appointment, and she was the doctor assigned to me. I thought I had a fish bone stuck in my throat, but she couldn’t find anything there. She did, however, give me a thorough examination and found that I had some other problem, which necessitated surgery. It was a major turning point in my life, and I have her to thank for it. Her thoroughness resulted in timeous intervention, which saved me from further complications. I will always be grateful for how she conducted herself that day, both during the examination as well as when she counseled me about the surgery.
A few things about today’s gathering are on my mind. Firstly, it was really nice to be part of a huge group of women, coming together for such a worthy cause, relaxing and being educated at the same time. St Luke’s Hospice is an incredible organisation, with volunteers who do the most courageous and selfless things to help out in practical ways or raise funds. I love being around my friend who’d invited me – we go back many years – and I’m starting to get to know her friends, all very interesting women. Today I met someone I hadn’t met before, and it was one of those occasions where, a few minutes into our conversation, we’d made a strong connection. I look forward to exploring that friendship, as we have so much in common. Women need to support each other. It’s very important.
Listening to Dawn Garisch was very special to me; after the event, I sought her out and thanked her for her intervention in my life 6 years ago. I’m becoming increasingly aware that good energy finds its way back into our lives, either through the same people who brought it initially, or through new people who come into our lives. Today, I felt the wonderful energy of so many people I interacted with.
But there was one kind of energy I experienced today that reminded me that there’ll always be people who miss the plot and who are so constricted by the fetters of institutionalized religion, that they fail to accept anything in a form other than the neatly-wrapped package to which they’re accustomed. Somewhere in her presentation, Dr Garisch had alluded to the Theory of Evolution, and in the Q&A session, some simpleton got up and challenged her about her “belief” in the theory, going on a rant about being a born-again Christian. She kept asking questions, seemingly trying to catch the speaker out, or trap her into confessing that she didn’t believe in God. Said born-again didn’t understand that Q&A time was for everyone, and not just her, to have an opportunity to ask questions. She polluted the room with her toxic smugness and effectively silenced everyone else, ruining what had been a nurturing atmosphere, filled with mutual respect and appreciation of the work being done by St Luke’s Hospice and doctors like Dawn Garisch.
I’m sure she didn’t buy any of Dawn’s books that were on sale.
And I’m equally sure that, as she drove home, she thanked God that she had worn that particular designer outfit, and also expressed her relief that she wasn’t as ignorant as some people.
And life goes on – and on and on.
Today we commemorated the day in 1956, when thousands of South African women marched in protest against the unjust system of government at the time, specifically against the Pass Laws. Funny how it’s become a day when different groups organize pamper parties, etc. for women. I suppose, because it’s a public holiday and the focus is on women, it’s become open to interpretation. So what did I do, besides the usual domestic and family stuff? I was invited to join a good friend and some of her friends at a women’s breakfast in aid of St Luke’s Hospice, a very worthy cause.
For me, it was a hugely significant morning. The guest speaker was Dr Dawn Garisch, a medical doctor who’s also a writer. I was intrigued by the way she introduced herself as “a writer who does some doctoring” – her point being that you can choose how you want to describe or define yourself. This, of course, is something I feel passionate about.
Dawn Garisch is someone who played an important role in my life, six years ago. I called a MediCross centre, asked for an appointment, and she was the doctor assigned to me. I thought I had a fish bone stuck in my throat, but she couldn’t find anything there. She did, however, give me a thorough examination and found that I had some other problem, which necessitated surgery. It was a major turning point in my life, and I have her to thank for it. Her thoroughness resulted in timeous intervention, which saved me from further complications. I will always be grateful for how she conducted herself that day, both during the examination as well as when she counseled me about the surgery.
A few things about today’s gathering are on my mind. Firstly, it was really nice to be part of a huge group of women, coming together for such a worthy cause, relaxing and being educated at the same time. St Luke’s Hospice is an incredible organisation, with volunteers who do the most courageous and selfless things to help out in practical ways or raise funds. I love being around my friend who’d invited me – we go back many years – and I’m starting to get to know her friends, all very interesting women. Today I met someone I hadn’t met before, and it was one of those occasions where, a few minutes into our conversation, we’d made a strong connection. I look forward to exploring that friendship, as we have so much in common. Women need to support each other. It’s very important.
Listening to Dawn Garisch was very special to me; after the event, I sought her out and thanked her for her intervention in my life 6 years ago. I’m becoming increasingly aware that good energy finds its way back into our lives, either through the same people who brought it initially, or through new people who come into our lives. Today, I felt the wonderful energy of so many people I interacted with.
But there was one kind of energy I experienced today that reminded me that there’ll always be people who miss the plot and who are so constricted by the fetters of institutionalized religion, that they fail to accept anything in a form other than the neatly-wrapped package to which they’re accustomed. Somewhere in her presentation, Dr Garisch had alluded to the Theory of Evolution, and in the Q&A session, some simpleton got up and challenged her about her “belief” in the theory, going on a rant about being a born-again Christian. She kept asking questions, seemingly trying to catch the speaker out, or trap her into confessing that she didn’t believe in God. Said born-again didn’t understand that Q&A time was for everyone, and not just her, to have an opportunity to ask questions. She polluted the room with her toxic smugness and effectively silenced everyone else, ruining what had been a nurturing atmosphere, filled with mutual respect and appreciation of the work being done by St Luke’s Hospice and doctors like Dawn Garisch.
I’m sure she didn’t buy any of Dawn’s books that were on sale.
And I’m equally sure that, as she drove home, she thanked God that she had worn that particular designer outfit, and also expressed her relief that she wasn’t as ignorant as some people.
And life goes on – and on and on.
Early August & Health Scare
Written 03 August 2012
This is nice! Just after 10:30 on a Friday night and I’m in bed! WHAT?! I’ve been itching to write for days, but have just been way too busy.
First of all, I can’t believe it’s AUGUST! I feel like my year’s hardly started! I can see by the trees that spring’s on its way, but the air is still ice cold. We’ve had a few nice days, recently, but now that it’s the weekend, we’re looking at some rain again.
This past week has been one of a kind: I went for two job interviews on Monday, was accepted for one of the posts on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, my first day in the new job, was accepted for the other one. The crazy thing is that I turned down the second one, even though it was a permanent job, and decided to stay in the temp job I had just committed myself to. The main reason I didn’t take the permanent job was that agreeing to take on the logistics of getting to the place was like begging the universe to complicate my life immensely.
In fact, I’d decided, once I’d given it some thought, that it was actually perfect for me to take the 4-month post, enjoy the experience as much as I could, and then apply for something as from January 2013. I have a feeling that next year’s going to see my energy bounce back and that this new wave I’m feeling now will continue to swell and grow.
All I know is that, with every decision I make, these days, I learn to know myself better. I’m still making mistakes, still unsure of so many things, probably more in the red than I’ve ever been, and yet…. I think the wheel has indeed begun to turn. The challenge for me is to continue to live my truth, walk the talk, strive to maintain balance, read the signs when I lose the balance, and know how to effectively restore it.
********************************************************************************
Oh, my! How strange that those would be my thoughts at bedtime, when a few hours later I’d get a huge scare about my health and well-being.
It’s just after 06:30, the next morning. This morning at 00:45, I was awoken by my mom’s coughing (she’s here for an overnight visit), and as soon as I woke up, I realised something was wrong with me – not just a sore throat or a headache, but a set of symptoms that had me very worried. My head felt thick and woozy, like I couldn’t keep my balance. My chest was tight, my arms felt heavy and I was experiencing tingling in my arms and hands, as well as my feet. I got up, gave my mom cough syrup and got back into bed. I lay there for a while, hoping I’d start to feel ok, but no matter how I lay, I just felt worse and worse. Started imagining all kinds of things, so I decided I needed to get to a doctor. I was so dizzy, I knew I shouldn’t get behind the wheel. I drafted an sms to my neighbour, but didn’t send it for about 45 minutes, hoping that the feeling would go away and I wouldn’t have to bother anyone. My head had begun to throb and I was a bit nauseous.
Eventually, convinced I was heading for a heart attack, I got up, sent the sms and went to tell my mom what was happening. My neighbour phoned back and within minutes was driving me to the nearest hospital.
Got to the hospital, they asked a lot of questions, did an ECG and various blood tests, checked my BP, let me sleep for a while and later did another ECG and another set of BP checks. After all of that, I’d started to feel ok again and the doc said he could find nothing wrong with me, there was no medication he could give me, and that I should just “take it easy for a few days”. My goodness – if only it were that simple. But I’ll try, for sure. Instead of doing the whole mountain of laundry, I’ll select the urgent items.
What I do know is that I have never been as stressed as I have in the past four months, and tonight’s experience was a wake-up call to me. Stress always ends up showing through physical symptoms. I need to reverse that and make sure the happiness I’ll be generating will spread to my cells and infuse my entire body with peace and well-being.
This is nice! Just after 10:30 on a Friday night and I’m in bed! WHAT?! I’ve been itching to write for days, but have just been way too busy.
First of all, I can’t believe it’s AUGUST! I feel like my year’s hardly started! I can see by the trees that spring’s on its way, but the air is still ice cold. We’ve had a few nice days, recently, but now that it’s the weekend, we’re looking at some rain again.
This past week has been one of a kind: I went for two job interviews on Monday, was accepted for one of the posts on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, my first day in the new job, was accepted for the other one. The crazy thing is that I turned down the second one, even though it was a permanent job, and decided to stay in the temp job I had just committed myself to. The main reason I didn’t take the permanent job was that agreeing to take on the logistics of getting to the place was like begging the universe to complicate my life immensely.
In fact, I’d decided, once I’d given it some thought, that it was actually perfect for me to take the 4-month post, enjoy the experience as much as I could, and then apply for something as from January 2013. I have a feeling that next year’s going to see my energy bounce back and that this new wave I’m feeling now will continue to swell and grow.
All I know is that, with every decision I make, these days, I learn to know myself better. I’m still making mistakes, still unsure of so many things, probably more in the red than I’ve ever been, and yet…. I think the wheel has indeed begun to turn. The challenge for me is to continue to live my truth, walk the talk, strive to maintain balance, read the signs when I lose the balance, and know how to effectively restore it.
********************************************************************************
Oh, my! How strange that those would be my thoughts at bedtime, when a few hours later I’d get a huge scare about my health and well-being.
It’s just after 06:30, the next morning. This morning at 00:45, I was awoken by my mom’s coughing (she’s here for an overnight visit), and as soon as I woke up, I realised something was wrong with me – not just a sore throat or a headache, but a set of symptoms that had me very worried. My head felt thick and woozy, like I couldn’t keep my balance. My chest was tight, my arms felt heavy and I was experiencing tingling in my arms and hands, as well as my feet. I got up, gave my mom cough syrup and got back into bed. I lay there for a while, hoping I’d start to feel ok, but no matter how I lay, I just felt worse and worse. Started imagining all kinds of things, so I decided I needed to get to a doctor. I was so dizzy, I knew I shouldn’t get behind the wheel. I drafted an sms to my neighbour, but didn’t send it for about 45 minutes, hoping that the feeling would go away and I wouldn’t have to bother anyone. My head had begun to throb and I was a bit nauseous.
Eventually, convinced I was heading for a heart attack, I got up, sent the sms and went to tell my mom what was happening. My neighbour phoned back and within minutes was driving me to the nearest hospital.
Got to the hospital, they asked a lot of questions, did an ECG and various blood tests, checked my BP, let me sleep for a while and later did another ECG and another set of BP checks. After all of that, I’d started to feel ok again and the doc said he could find nothing wrong with me, there was no medication he could give me, and that I should just “take it easy for a few days”. My goodness – if only it were that simple. But I’ll try, for sure. Instead of doing the whole mountain of laundry, I’ll select the urgent items.
What I do know is that I have never been as stressed as I have in the past four months, and tonight’s experience was a wake-up call to me. Stress always ends up showing through physical symptoms. I need to reverse that and make sure the happiness I’ll be generating will spread to my cells and infuse my entire body with peace and well-being.
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