The space dilemma

This evening I read a blog post by British actor and writer, Stephen Fry, which affected me deeply. In it, he writes about how touched he was by the outpouring of love and support from people after his suicide attempt. His writing is both eloquent and gut-wrenchingly direct. He writes openly and honestly about his struggle with depression and his preoccupation with suicide.  The article addresses the topic of loneliness, one I've come to realise very few people are prepared to discuss and especially admit to dealing with. He writes about how, despite being a busy, sought-after member of society, he suffers from loneliness. There's no way I could do justice to it; you need to read the article, called Only The Lonely (www.stephenfry.com).

The part of the article that resonated most with me, as someone who also has to deal with loneliness, was his explanation of his dilemma about relationships: he says that it would seem as though the answer to loneliness would be to have an intimate relationship, but that when he's in a relationship, he also has a strong desire to be alone. I have never read a more honest exposition of this dilemma. It's a topic my son and I have discussed a few times, because we're both people who have hobbies that require us to spend (lots of) time alone. The truth is that this can make having  a relationship complicated. Some people are lucky enough to be with emotionally mature people who understand this need for space and don't feel threatened by or insecure about it, but my own experience has been that this is rare. For me, the search for said mature and secure person continues.

One would assume the ideal would be to be with someone who also has a need to be alone, some of the time. I firmly believe that it's possible for two people to have a warm, loving relationship while still enjoying time away from each other to work on individual pursuits. But it does require flexibility, maturity and a desire to make it work. The hardest part is always going to be sharing the same living space, because people who need a lot of time to themselves often keep unusual hours. That's putting it mildly. :-)

When we think of loneliness, we usually associate it with old people, but many people experience loneliness throughout their lives. We all know the expression about being "lonely in a crowd", but sometimes you can be lonely even in a relationship, because you're so misunderstood.

One of the reasons it's important for us to stay connected to other people is that we are indeed social beings, and we all have a need for connection, for contact, for intimacy. A phenomenon that keeps rearing its head is how many opportunities there are to connect with inappropriate  - unavailable - people, and how seductive this can be, for many reasons. The angel and devil on opposite shoulders go through their usual scripts, and in the end you're left with yourself and your conscience. If you can go against a moral code you've adhered to and fiercely defended all your life, then you need to be able to deal with the fallout when it comes.

If you can do that, then you should yield to the offers at hand, as transient, foundation-less and inherently deceitful as they may be. What I have discovered is that, when we have to, we can justify anything.  
So what would you do? Be with someone because what you're really looking for seems unattainable, or hold out "till the real thing comes along" (as the song goes)? And if someone you know opts for the path of least resistance, do you have a right to judge that person?

Like so many of my blog posts, I started out writing about one topic and ended on another, albeit related. But I think I've made my point, that loneliness has many aspects, and it can give rise, especially after a long period, to a sense of desperation; it is this desperation, then, which causes otherwise-sensible people to throw caution to the wind and make out-of-character decisions. In the case of Stephen Fry, it was to attempt to end his life, the ultimate statement of hopelessness in a world that he felt less and less connected to. Thankfully, he did not succeed at his suicide attempt. If that article is anything to go by, I think he could play a huge role in educating people about his condition, to bring about greater understanding, simply by telling his own story.

I wish him well. He doesn't know me, but I believe we are all connected by our common humanity.