I want to write about two things, today.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about situations I’ve stayed in long after I should’ve left. One always sees
the full picture in hindsight, but there are definitely situations where you
know, without a doubt, that you should leave, but you don’t.
There seems to be a pattern,
whether it’s a romantic relationship, a platonic friendship, a working
relationship, a job or a membership of some kind of club or organisation. The pattern is that you observe or experience
something that doesn’t feel quite right, but, because you like everything else
about the person, job or group, you dismiss it. Then you experience another
thing that you don’t feel you can align yourself with, but again, you brush it
off, because there are so many other aspects you really enjoy. As more
and more things happen that go against the grain of who you are, you speak out
and try to sort things out, so that you can feel the joy you used to. But your
attempts at sorting things out are met with a reaction that alienates you, and,
depending on where you are on your journey, you decide to either leave or give
the situation the benefit of the doubt. Most of us stay, but the problem just
gets worse. You keep speaking out, but you never succeed at achieving the clearing
of the air or the peace of mind you’re seeking. And still, you stay. You
remember how wonderful it was when it all started and cling to a belief that it can be that way again. You know the choices you
made at the time, the sacrifices you made, in order to be with this person or
in this job, or to become a member of this organisation/club. You vividly recall the excitement of that new
beginning, and you stay, believing, despite all indications to the contrary,
that somehow this is still right for you.
Over time, as your feeling of
discord overwhelms your feeling that all’s well, you start to see things with
greater clarity and you know that, by staying, you are settling for the
consolation prize and that you owe it to yourself to make a clean break. When
the situation is a marriage, it’s a lot more complex, because serious
consideration has to be given to the impact on the children and to the
financial ramifications of splitting up. Many women say they stayed in their
marriages two years after they’d realised there wasn’t a bright future within
the marriage. What do they do for those two years? Speaking from experience,
I’d say they blame themselves and try everything they can, to make things
better. Until they exhaust their possibilities and the ugly truth stares them
in the face wherever they look. It’s over. Get the hell out, if you want to
salvage your sanity and your happiness.
At certain times of your life,
cutting ties and walking away is harder. Some resign themselves to a life lived
at half mast, a life of going through the motions, a life of unfulfilled
expectations, potential and dreams. It makes me sad when I encounter people – usually women – who are in this state of hollowness, of dull eyes,
of no spark, of abject alienation from their formerly vibrant and powerful
selves. In a room full of people, loneliness is still their only companion.
So, yes – I’ve been thinking
about times in my life when I’ve stayed too long, as well as the times I’ve
found the courage to leave.
***************
The other thing I want to write
about is freedom. More specifically, how I feel when I’m
running. Now that our winter’s here
(technically still autumn for another 6 days), it’s dark by the time my fitness
training session ends. Because I enjoy running, my coach lets me run on the
field for the final part of the session. Others who don’t want to run can end
their session doing other exercises. We
also run earlier in the hour-long session, just after the warm-up. But my
favourite feeling is running alone, in the cool evening air, on a rather dark
field. There are other people on the field at the time and enough lights on the
perimeter - including a clubhouse/restaurant that’s well-lit – for me
to feel safe. Every South African, especially the women, would know what a rare
thing this is, in our country. Women do not walk or run alone, especially at night. It’s
just too dangerous. It breaks my heart to think of how women have been forced to shrink our lives, in order to stay alive.
I don’t train every day, but am
working towards a long-term, sustainable routine of thrice a week. This feels
doable for me. The minute I try for daily sessions, life happens, I have to skip
a session and then I feel frustrated. So, three times a week is a realistic
goal for me.
But, back to the running. I am
very much a beginner, after having stopped running more than ten years ago. In
the hour-long sessions, in which we do a variety of strengthening and aerobic
exercises, including boxing, I fit in anything from 1,2km (once around the
field is 400m) to 3,2km. When I go to the field on my own, over a weekend, I do
at least 4,4km. At this stage, there’s still some walking, as I’m steadily building
up my running fitness.
But, I digress. This is not about
distance or time. I wanted to write about how I feel. So here goes: no matter
how shit my day's been - no matter who’s pissed me off or undermined
me, underestimated me, talked down to
me, or taken credit for my ideas –
when I run, everything’s right with my world. As I said, I’m a beginner, but I
remember running for an hour at a time, when I was younger and fitter, and I
understand those people who choose to start each day with a run. I get it. I
totally get it.
When I run, I feel the freedom of
childhood – that sense of running with joy, with arms and legs doing their own
thing, without any thought of what you look like. Sometimes children make funny
sounds when they run, as they uninhibitedly give in to their bodies. I feel the
freedom every woman should feel, wherever she is, at any time of day. I feel the
freedom that every human being has a right to feel, regardless of geographic location, "ethnicity", socio-economic situation, religion, sexual preference, etc.
When I run, I feel more switched on and alive than I do at any other time of my life. It's a beautiful meeting of the physical and the spiritual. It's a celebration of life and survival, and a delightful act of rebellion against everything that tries to box us in and cut off our oxygen. Fuck, it's an incredible feeling!
Today was not a training
day for me, but tomorrow is. I look forward to running around that field more
than anyone could ever understand.
I cannot wait!
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