Every now and then, I hear someone say, or read in a social media post: "I don't care what others think of me." I've probably said it myself, on quite a few occasions. But it's not true, is it? We actually do care.
If you've ever checked how many likes your social media post has received, you care what others think. If you've ever tried to grow an audience, either online or in real life, you care. If you've ever tracked the number of views on a YouTube video you posted, you care.
If I genuinely didn't care what others thought of me, I'd never iron my clothes, I'd probably never wear make-up, or make sure my hair was cut on a regular basis. I'm one of those people who, if I notice a mark on an item of clothing I've just put on, will remove the item and put on something else. If I notice the mark while I'm out, I'll feel embarrassed for that entire day, like I owe everyone an explanation. Crazy! A real waste of emotions.
I often think about where all of that concern comes from. Why is it so important for us to be perceived in a certain way? Why do we all seem to struggle with being just who we are, warts 'n all? Why is fitting in so important? What fear lies beneath all of that? The most obvious is the fear of rejection, which I think is a very understandable thing. But think about it: if being accepted by the pack means you have to fit into a narrow description of "normal", or risk ridicule and possible exclusion - even if it causes you to suppress who you really are, and even makes you dislike yourself - is that really the better alternative?
The interesting thing, though, is that as you get older, you genuinely don't care as much about fitting in as you did before. Most older people simply don't give a damn! It's often said that old people are set in their ways. Now that I'm older, I understand it completely - we've lived through so many experiences and seen so many outcomes, that we've narrowed down our options to what we know works. Yes, sometimes we can be a bit slow when it comes to new technology, but those gadgets are just add-ons, aren't they? Before you asked Alexa to switch on your music, you'd switch it on manually. Same result - you get to listen to music you enjoy. I think younger people mistakenly think that not being able to handle modern gadgets means you're stupid. One day, when their kids and grandkids are laughing at them for not wanting their pizzas delivered by drone, they'll understand.
But there's another thing I've been thinking about: there's something immensely ironic about the level of self-confidence and self-knowledge we have, when we're older. It's hard not to think about how different the trajectory of my life would've been, had I been this sure of who I was when I was in my thirties, or even my forties.
I feel like I've spent at least the past twenty years living Plan B. I have consistently ignored Plan A, no matter how persistently it banged on my door. The intensity with which I've always regarded my music life is at an all-time high, and I can't help but feel a sense of urgency. Having said as much, I won't waste time dwelling on what might have been, and will pour myself into my performance life at every given opportunity. I enjoy teaching, I'm good at it, but, given the choice, I would choose playing my guitar and singing over teaching anytime. Sorry, students - it's not you, it's me. 😊
The best part of being 61 is that I'm far less afraid to be who I truly am, to speak my truth, to implement better boundaries, and to go with what I feel is right for me! I've had to deal with some tough consequences of walking away from toxicity, in both my personal and professional lives, but when I reflect on each situation, I know without a doubt that I'd make the same choice again. I think I've also reached a point of peace, in my life, where there's practically no topic I feel can't be discussed calmly, to reach a peaceful solution. No matter how awkward it may be, it will always be less awkward afterwards. It doesn't always mean that the person I want to have that conversation with will be open to it, but I know for a fact that I can talk calmly about anything - even if it's really, really hard, at first.
Today, I had planned to join an 8am group walk close to the sea (Sea Point Promenade), but when my alarm went off at 6, I decided that that was way too early for a Sunday (I get up early to teach on Saturdays, too), so I reset it and went back to sleep. Later, I went to a public walking trail, about a ten-minute drive from home, and had a lovely 45-minute walk. As usual, there were lots of people, mainly walking their dogs, so it was perfectly safe for me to walk on my own. But here's the thing: because of the huge gap between the rich and the poor in our country, it's very difficult for me to enjoy something like a peaceful walk in nature, knowing that the majority of our citizens don't have access to those kinds of places. Why? Two main reasons: one, working class areas aren't built holistically, where people's needs (for recreation and exercise) are taken into account. And two, the residential areas close to our city's natural beauty have always been reserved for the rich. No, I'm definitely not rich, but I can take just a short drive out of my area to access this green walking space.
Today I spent hours working on my teaching prep for the next few weeks, and I'm amazed at how much work has to be taught in the given time. Many of the students haven't studied for a long time, and I hate rushing through the syllabus, but that's exactly what I have to do. It's fine for some of the students, but not for most of them. And so my usual dilemma surfaces again, where I don't understand why and how certain decisions are made. It's like our country's education system is just churning out semi-educated people. It breaks my heart.
And so, as I anticipate the second week of November 2022, I'm still trying to deal with the fact that 2023 is around the corner. This has been a very challenging year for me, and I couldn't be further from where I'd like to be, financially. I can only hope (and manifest, and visualise) that the year ahead will be much better, in every possible way.
In my next blog post, I'll tell you about a cool collaboration I've started working on, with another artist. Very exciting!
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