A week ago, on Saturday, 10 December, I did my fourth Solo Session. To everyone else, it may seem like just another gig, but to me it was so much more.
I was reading through some notes I'd made in January this year, in which I'd brainstormed the year ahead. Somewhere I'd written, under my music goals: "originals?" Shifting my focus to my original compositions had been on my mind for a long time. For many reasons, I had seen my gig life as performances of cover versions, and - for a couple of years - relegated my originals to an annual concert with one of my duo partners. When I was given one year in which to raise funds for my daughter to go to Thailand, in Grade 10, I did a five-concert series focussing on my original work. I performed with different people, in different venues, and we featured some younger artists, as well. I will always be grateful to everyone for their assistance. That was a very interesting and exciting year. We started in August 2013 and the trip was in June 2014. In a blog post, dated 8 July 2014, I wrote about the 5 fundraising concerts.
Anyway, the many reasons I kept side-lining my own music, in favour of covers, is linked to both the local music scene, as well as my personal journey, as a highly sensitive person, raised to put everyone else's needs before my own, and easily put off pursuing a different path when it seems it will cause certain people who are important to me to stop liking/loving me. There - I've said it! Fear of rejection. I can't get any more vulnerable than that.
In my song, Delighted, I sing: "Was raised to be polite / Be nice and sweet, don't fight / When people walked all over me / I'd smile with all my might / Held me back for long / Cos I couldn't see / That I was not being me."
It's been a long and convoluted road, for me. All kinds of messages come our way, even when they're not addressed directly to us. If you hear your family/friends speak disparagingly about a certain type of behaviour, you get the message that you shouldn't do that. If you hear people you care about laughing at choices made by others, you know you'd risk ridicule, yourself, if you took those same choices. And because we tend to seek harmony at all costs, we adapt our behaviour, and even our goals, to stay IN the circle of acceptance, and not find ourselves adrift in the wilderness.
But that works for only a short while, right? At some point, when certain patterns become clear, you start to think, "Fuck it, they're going to disapprove of me, regardless of whether I try to be authentic IN the circle, or live my truth and take a different path to the one everyone expects me to take."
And that journey, in my broader life, was naturally echoed in my music life. Raised to put others first, without a healthy balance, I felt selfish for wanting to perform my own songs. Hearing disapproving comments from people close to me, including romantic partners, I curbed my desire to share my own compositions, and packaged them neatly into occasional performances - and even then, always accompanied by a more accomplished musician. Why? Two reasons - they definitely enhanced the sound of the songs (and I learnt a lot from all my music partners), AND I was scared that, on my own, performing my songs wouldn't be good enough. In other words, I was shit scared.
And then lockdown happened and we couldn't do public gigs. I went from doing at least one gig per week, to doing nothing. I sang in about six online concerts, during lockdown, always doing originals, and then in 2021, I sang two live gigs at the end of the year (Nov & Dec). That was after stopping live gigs in March 2020! During lockdown, I thought about what life would be like if I could never gig again. In fact, I'd started to think that that part of my life was over, and it made me really miserable. Also in that time, in Sept 2021, I turned 60, and I started thinking about how quickly life had passed, and about what I wanted to do before leaving this realm. It became crystal clear to me that I needed to stop trying to be any version of myself other than the one I was comfortable being. It was time for me to stop overthinking it, and to focus, unapologetically, on my own songs. It makes no sense to spend decades creating something and then to be afraid, especially in a world full of knock-offs, to expose your creations. In a braver headspace than usual, I decided to not just expose them, but to celebrate them.
I also knew that the type of performance experience I wanted was different to what I had been doing before, and that it would be a huge risk. I was scared, but I knew I had to at least give it a try. I'm still scared, and the truth is that, a few days before each of the four Solo Sessions, I've considered cancelling the show because of low bookings. But Cape Town audiences are very interesting. The day before, you can have two tickets booked, and on the day, you'll have 22 people in your audience. Only 22? Well, my goal is 30. And, at this stage of my life, I'd rather sing to 22 people who are there specifically to listen to me and my songs than to 80 people talking and laughing loudly in a restaurant, where they might as well have a CD playing.
Summary of my 4 Solo Sessions:
1. Sunday, 4 September, at Surplus Books, in Woodstock. So much went wrong, that day, but I'd made a start, and I was more convinced than ever that that was what I wanted to do. Many lessons learnt. I loved the quirkiness of singing in a bookshop, and I'd love to do so again. I wish the people who came to that show could come to one of my shows in 2023, because my first one was my worst one! 😀
2. Sunday, 2 October, at Athenaeum, in Newlands. A very different vibe, in that building - but again, I enjoyed the experience. Like the bookshop, it was also an interesting space, conducive to storytelling.
3. Saturday 22 October, at Café Societi, in the Homecoming Centre, in District Six. What a cool space! I would love to go back there. That whole building is filled with history and stories, and I feel some kind of magic there.
4. Saturday, 10 December, in the foyer of the hall at Harold Cressy High School, in District Six. I liked the feeling of occupying a bare space, not intended for performance, and singing there. It was an extremely fulfilling experience, because I felt the audience (very responsive) throughout the hour, and of course it was surreal singing at my old high school, after 43 years!
I am proud of myself for having made a start on this project. It's an indefinite concert series, because it's all I want to do, for as long as I can. I am working hard behind the scenes to improve the production side of things, as well as the quality of the music itself. I love having artistic freedom and control, but I am collaborating with people who can help me level up in as many ways as possible.
I thought about hiring a manager, but right now, that's not viable. I will continue to do all the work myself, outsourcing here and there. What I do need, though, is an assistant - someone capable, with good energy, who thinks out of the box, and who is mature and flexible enough to know when to follow instructions (because I put a lot of thought into everything I do) and when to make suggestions (because there's always something for me to learn). The person needs to like my music, because he/she will be around it a lot.
Thank you, Universe. In the most important way, I showed up for myself, this year. This was a year fraught with instability on the job front, with resulting financial insecurity, and I could so easily have let that dampen my enthusiasm for this new music venture. But I didn't, and I'm proud of myself. I'm giving myself a BIG pat on the back, because I forged ahead, despite my fears and all those voices in my head from my past, saying, "What makes you think you're special enough to do this?" And "You're dreaming if you think people will come and listen to YOU as a soloist!" And "There are so many other musicians who are much better than you." (I know!!!! And I'm not trying to be them! I'm being myself!)
I know it will take a while, but those voices are getting softer all the time, as I step into my power, as a creator of original music and lyrics, as a storyteller through songs, and as someone who's spent the past 44 years playing guitar and writing songs. I know I have a lot to offer. This original concert series was always going to happen - it was just a matter of time. And now that I've started, and I'm seeing what works and what doesn't, I am super excited about 2023 and all the cool spaces I'll be occupying, as well as all the cool audiences with whom I'll be sharing my songs and stories.
Thank you, Universe.
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