Just around the corner

In more than one area of my life, I have been dealing with rather intense issues, and I find myself becoming more and more of an observer and a thinker, as I work my way through the challenges I'm presented with. The different roles I play put me into contact with various people and situations, and I sometimes wonder how I juggle them all and manage to keep my cool. But one thing I have come to appreciate is that my chosen pace - slow and steady, measured and deliberate - is my greatest strength. I've also come to realise that I do indeed have a stubbborn streak, and while I won't be the one shouting and screaming, I will be the one taking a definite, well-thought-out position and conducting myself in alignment with it.

I also seem to have learnt, in recent years, to shut out other voices when I have to, and to tune in to my own convictions. It's not an easy road, because I sometimes make choices and decisions that don't sit well with others in my close circle. It becomes a lonely road, and I occasionally wonder if it's worth it. And then a course of action I've invested myself in and stuck to, singlemindedly, works out and I know, without a doubt, that it's more important for me to listen to the crystal clear, single-line melody within than the cacophony without.

When I look back on past phases of my adult life, I'm fully aware that, had I possessed the skills and insight I now do, I would not have stayed in toxic situations for as long as I did. I see how my fixation on meeting everyone's needs but my own worked against me, delayed my personal growth and complicated my life, filling it with sorrow instead of joy.

And yet, that was never meant to be my whole story, which is what I still find exciting. Even through my darkest years, there were people in my life who loved me unconditionally and were always there for me. Here I think particularly of my mother and my cousin, Tracy, as well as a few other close friends. In some ways, I think they saw in me what I never could, because I was so busy being down on myself.

And then there's this other energy in my life - music! I started playing guitar in 1978 and composing songs in 1979. Honestly, at that time I never ever thought I'd perform them live in public, let alone think of recording them for mass distribution. I wrote songs, always with lyrics and melodies happening simultaneously, as a form of catharsis, a way of getting things off my chest, the way poets write poetry and artists paint pictures. My love for music always brought me into contact with other musicians, and I think that also kept me afloat when my personal life was in disarray.

And now I walk yet another solo road, but this time with a lot of inner peace and a lot of belief in the endless possibilities that lie just around the corner. After much reading and practising of certain techniques, I am quite different to the Trudy I was ten years ago. And now I'm ready for a whole new beginning. First, as long as I need to be single and growing stronger as an individual, as an artist and as a child of the universe, and then, when all the elements are right, in a loving relationship with someone who's the right fit for me: free-spirited yet responsible, serious yet funny, hardworking yet perfectly capable of goofing off, .....

You know what? I have a better idea: when I'm in the mood, I'll do a whole blog on the criteria I have in mind! Beware, it will be a long blog!!! Hahaha!