The most important question

Picture: Sunset sky, from High Level Rd, Sea Point (Oct. 2010)

Life is indeed filled with exciting possibilities. Of course it always has been, but I’ve been either too busy, too unwilling or not ready to fully appreciate it.

On Saturday, I completed my third weekly session of my 12-week life coaching programme. In my second week, I made a commitment to myself, to focus on those things (and people) in my life that give me something to look forward to. You know that wonderful feeling, when you wake up on a day on which something exciting’s going to happen? Well, I want my whole life to be like that. I want to wake up every day feeling I’ve got something to look forward to. I can’t achieve that if I’m allowing myself to be bogged down with energy-draining activities or people, so I’m consciously striving to surround myself with the kind of energy that will enable this spirit to thrive in my life. Why? Because I believe it’s all possible. In fact, I really do believe that we all know, on some level, just how amazing life could be, but we’ve been trained over the years not to expect much, to lower our expectations of life, so that we won’t be disappointed. All you need is one deeply disappointed person in your close circle, someone you spend a lot of time with, whom you’ve listened to for many years, to keep you firmly trapped in the chains of negativity, cynicism and hopelessness. It’s like trying to grow a plant without sunshine and water.

While I was doing the surveys profiling District 6 land claimants, I encountered a friend I hadn’t seen in a while – Inez Woods. She’d been living abroad for many years. In the course of our working together, I discovered that she was a life coach, that she’d had a thriving practice in Ireland, and that she was busy setting up in Cape Town. She offered me three months of life coaching, as a skills exchange, and this is the process I’m on right now. It’s like a weight loss programme with a difference – the weight I’m losing is metaphorical, as I shed layer after layer of negative energy that manifests itself as self-doubt, procrastination, self-sabotage, lethargy, blame, etc. The flipside of loss is always gain – something I often lose sight of. When you lose something, you automatically gain something else. I lost my job, but I gained time to explore possibilities.

This morning was amazing. First of all, I was exhausted last night, after having spent the whole day cleaning my house, so I had an unusually early night. Housework…… ah, what can I say…… a necessary evil. I don’t enjoy doing it, but I enjoy the feeling after it’s been done. I haven’t had a domestic worker for at least 6 years, so this is nothing new. My children return to me every second Sunday, so there’s this mad rush to get the place nice and clean before they get here. I joke that this is more like Trudy’s Guesthouse for them, but you know what - nobody can teach you how to split your life like we do, so I’m doing the best I can. The most important thing, with this shared living arrangement, is that the children feel loved in both homes. Achieve that, and the rest is just detail.

Before I dropped off to sleep last night, I did the Mind Power exercise that puts you in touch with your unconscious mind, and I asked that other realm of myself to show me, once again, the possibilities for my life. My last dream, as I woke up, was so inspiring, the perfect sign for me right now, that, after lying in bed smiling at the contents of the dream, I got up and happily started this new day, this new week, and what felt like a new phase of my life, a new beginning.

I had to get up extra early because I had to walk both of my kids somewhere, as my car is still at the mechanic’s. I got up at 5:30, and by 6:35 was walking my son to his friend’s house, a short walk from ours. There were very few cars and people about, and the air was crisp and fresh. A chilly breeze reminded me that summer was already saying goodbye, making way for autumn. By the time I got back, I’d been away from home for 35 minutes. We took a short-cut on the way, but I walked the full distance back, because it was really pleasant. Ten minutes after getting home, it was time to walk my daughter to school. This took about 20 minutes, and I picked up the pace coming back, so it ended up being another 35-minute walk. By the time I got home, it was only 7:45!

And that’s how my day started. And now, here I am, doing something I love doing, something that always energises me – writing!

Last week was exceptionally constructive. I was without my car, and ended up taking a train somewhere almost every day. On Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, I took a train to Wittebome, on Wednesday to town, and on Saturday to Claremont. Lots of walking, lots of fresh air, and I saved a lot of money in the process!

On Tuesday and Thursday, I facilitated focused discussion groups for a gay activist organisation. Very interesting subject matter, and on a personal level, very cool to be afforded the opportunity to do something so different as an income-generating activity – also known as a job! What was even nicer was being approached by one of the participants to possibly do similar work for their organisation.

On Wednesday I wrapped up some matters with my ex-employer, and that felt like progress. My best friend, Tracy, and I managed to walk thrice, which was also great.
I sorted out my gym membership, another milestone! As soon as I have my car back, I’m heading off for a much-longed-for swim. I haven’t swum this month yet!

This process of life coaching is fascinating. I have a terrible habit of coming up with great ideas, then doing nothing about them. I spend a lot of time in thought mode, but not enough in action mode, when it comes to my goals and dreams. What’s happening now is I’m being forced to focus on my goals and to implement the necessary steps that will take me closer to them. I also have a habit of wasting time, spending hours doing unimportant things, and now I check myself and I ask myself, “Is this taking me closer to my urgent goals? Could I be doing something else that would achieve that?” And then I get up and do what I know I should be doing. I get tasks to do every week, and there’s a high level of accountability with the weekly contact sessions. No place to hide!

There are certain aspects I won’t write about, but believe me, this process touches every part of my life. It’s an entire spring-clean of my life, all aspects of it. Anything that emerges as holding me back, keeping me trapped, pulling me down, retarding my progress, is part of the spring-clean. It’s liberating and frightening, at the same time, because the more layers of extraneous issues you strip away, the more of your essential self you’re left with. Getting to the point where there’s no-one to blame but yourself when you don’t reach your goals, is even more scary than undressing in the gym’s changing rooms, surrounded by mirrors and slim, well-toned 20-somethings!

But let’s get to the title of this blog post.

Every now and then, someone says something so profound, something that you take with you for the rest of your life, and often the person isn’t even aware of the far-reaching effects of his or her words. The other day, in a context quite unrelated to my life coaching sessions, someone asked me, “TRUDY, WHO'S IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE?” It came at a moment in my life when I was seeking clarity on something specific, and a better question could not have been asked of me. It was like the clouds parted, a magnificent beam of light shone down, guitars played (harps just don’t do it for me!) and I knew, without a doubt, that THAT was the question that would help me find what I was looking for.

Whenever I find myself lapsing into my old ways, that way of putting everyone’s needs above my own, relegating my own goals while I enable others to reach theirs, deferring my own gratification because I’m in martyr mode, I will ask that question.

If I ever wondered what that person’s role had actually been in my life, that question, a crucial part of my toolkit for the rest of my life, put that entire relationship into perspective.

HE asked the most important question of my life.