And today is…..?

My mother asks this question throughout the day. Everytime she asks, I have to pause and orientate myself, because it’s the school holidays, and, with my usual routine out by the window, I don’t have as clear an idea of where I am in the week as I normally do. After I answer her, she admonishes herself for not having known. I assure her that it’s understandable, as she doesn’t have appointments or deadlines – I tell her most retired people experience that. It feels wrong to tell  her, “Well, it’s because you have Alzheimer’s”, even if it is true.

It’s funny how the words spoken by one’s mother have a level of power that stands alone. Yesterday my mom saw my freezer door ajar and commented on how much ice there was. I told her I was busy defrosting it, and that it had been a lot worse when I started the task on Monday. She asked me why it had become so badly iced up, and I explained that I had been busy. She said, “But surely if you did it regularly, it wouldn’t get that bad?” She was right, of course, but I reiterated that I’d been very busy. And then she said something that affected me profoundly: “But that’s very naughty of you.” A simple sentence, said in all innocence, said in the typical way a mother speaks to a child. It hurled me back to my childhood, a time when everything my mother said informed me as to whom I was, whether I was on track or not, a time when I was a fully functional pleasing machine, where my sense of myself was gleaned through the spoken words and other non-verbal nuances of my rudder, my radar, my pilot, my anchor – my mother.  In an instant, I pulled myself back to the present and explained, probably in too much detail, just how busy I usually was, and how school holidays were the only times I could do this kind of thing.

The power of that one sentence, though - and its trigger effect - reminded me of a time when I’d gone back, for the umpteenth time, to a boyfriend I’d said I’d finally broken up with. An honest, well-meaning friend said to me, holding nothing back, “I’m very disappointed in you, Trudy.” I don’t think she’ll ever know how those words cut through me, destroying my sense of my ability to make a good decision. Again, she was completely right – it was ridiculous of me to have given the person another chance, and it must’ve been disappointing to all my friends; they just didn’t say it to me. In her childlike innocence, she had said what everyone else was thinking, but was too socially conditioned to say. The one thing that that encounter taught me, though, was never to say those words to anyone, especially my children, unless I was prepared to live with the alienating consequences. Words can be more powerful than we realize, and can cause long-term damage.

But the beauty of the power of words is that they can also alter the course of one’s life in a positive way; sometimes, a simple sentence, uttered at the right time, can open your eyes, make you change direction and lead you to more freedom and happiness than you’ve ever had. A few years ago, stuck in a decaying relationship, I was asked this question by my partner, after I’d complained about things I wasn’t happy with: “Trudy, who’s in control of your life?”  That was arguably the most life-altering question I’d ever been asked. It sparked an energy vibration in me to regain control of my life and to take decisions that were healthy for ME. It was a question that freed me from a confining situation, a situation that only I could free myself from. 

The time was obviously right.

And today is…..?