Thirty minutes of this 'n that

Timer set, and here I go. Random rantings.

I realised, recently, that I have a pattern of feeling shame for things that were not caused by me. The part that makes it so much harder is that I carry that shame for years, even after the source is no longer an aspect of my life. In some weird way, it remains with me. I suppose that's how shame works. And we don't realise how much of it we carry around. And, if we don't deal with it and shake it - or at least some of it - off, it will bleed into other parts of our lives. 

I know that one of my earliest experiences of this was my father's drinking. Because the effects were so visible (he was never aggressive or violent, though), there was no way to hide the issue. At some stage, when I reached the age of visiting school friends' homes, I know I felt some shame about our socio-economic status. Random comments made affected me profoundly. Interestingly, it didn't turn me into a highly materialistic person, but made me feel strong empathy towards people who don't have much. 

In my adult life, there were things about my longer-term partners that I took on as my shame. It took me a while, each time, to separate the issues and liberate myself.  Having had the ability to leave unhealthy situations in the past - even though I often stayed too long - gives me confidence that I can do so again, if necessary. What I've noticed is that, as I've got to know myself better, I've learnt to detect the warning signs much sooner, and often find myself making exit plans long before anyone's even aware that I'm unhappy. When you're young, you're far less able to spot the aberrations, because you actually need to live life, to know life. These days, when I experience an energy from younger adults which is about mocking older people, I think... just you wait; life is going to knock you so much harder than you think possible and when you open your eyes, you'll be 60, and younger people will be treating you like you're obsolete.

Bu back to my topic of feeling shame for things I didn't cause. In 2023, I worked, for the first six months of the year, without being paid by my employer, College of Cape Town. It seemed like it would be sorted out the next month, then the next month, etc. It seemed like an admin slip up, until it became clear it was so much bigger than that. Every month, I borrowed money to survive, and every month, I  carried on teaching adults doing their matric, and I religiously submitted my timesheets, but no payment was made. Skip to the present, where we (7 of us) have not been paid yet, and the college leadership has dug in its heels in a display of arrogance unbefitting an educational institution in a democratic South Africa. I've put my energy into surviving, and not into fighting the powers that be, although I know I can't delay that much longer. The financial complications that I'm living with make me want to scream, and again - I didn't cause this! I don't even think I'll write about my current reality. Suffice it to say that the non-payment of six months of my hard-earned income caused me serious harm. It affected so much more than just my finances. And to sort out the ramifications will take years. It angers me that I'm the one left feeling the shame for what my life's like, right now. It shouldn't be this way. 

I WILL sort this out, and I WILL keep working on shaking off the shame for things I didn't cause. 

Thirty minutes. 

                                       Taken in Sea Point, sometime last year. 

The significance of May

May Day. Labour Day. Now known, in post-apartheid South Africa, as Workers' Day - although the apostrophe is commonly placed before the 's', making it singular. Weird. Anyway, it ends up being a much-appreciated day off from school. I'm relaxing this morning, then seeing both of my kids today - a real treat! (I'll have to do some schoolwork at some stage.)  

May - the fifth month of the year, and the second in the second quarter.

May - a modal auxiliary verb, signifying permission: You may begin. 

May - a modal auxiliary verb, signifying possibility: It may rain tomorrow. 

May - My mother's birth month, as well as her name. She was the single biggest influence in my life and on who I am today. Our relationship has changed, since her Alzheimer's diagnosis, twelve years ago, and that's the saddest part of my life. My mom turns 94 on 6 May ("God sparing", as she would say) and I miss the way we used to laugh together and talk about everything under the sun. For most of my life, she was my go-to person, my role model, and my anchor.  She understood me like no-one else could. You miss that when you don't have it anymore. You're constantly having to justify yourself to others. So I keep my circle small, because she taught me that I was enough.

🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕🎕    

Looking at my 2024 blogging history, it looks like I might just get around to blogging once a month. My March post is still in draft form, though. That means I either ran out of time or had second thoughts about posting on a particular topic. When a colleague in my current job heard that I blogged, she cautioned me about my content, alerting me to the fact that the broader school community, including the children (high school students) might access it. I think about it every now and then, and yes, I have become more circumspect - but the blogging I've done since 2009 stands as is. I've always written with the awareness that my blog would outlive me and that it could end up being the autobiography I'd never got around to writing. Society already censors me - the patriarchy tries to mute me 😂- and my natural discretion ensures I don't spill my guts on things that should ideally not be made public. But I do enjoy writing on this platform. Is it self-indulgent? Of course - unashamedly so! :-) It's my blog. In every other part of my life, I have to engage in some measure of restraint, colouring between the lines, so as not to be seen as too different, not standing out too much. 

Despite the self-censorship I referred to earlier, I give myself permission, in my blogging, to do the stream-of-consciousness stuff that my daily life squeezes out of me. Needless to say, I do so without  restraint in my personal journalling. I also draw flowers, in colour, on every journal page. In a previous post, I shared pics of my daily appointment diary, of how I'd started drawing flowers on every page there, as well. In essence, I operate in an often-monochromatic world that needs me to fill in numbers on Excel sheets, while my soul craves music and colour - so I insert the music and colour wherever and whenever I can.

CRAFTING - STARTING A CLUB AT SCHOOL

As you know, crocheting is one of my hobbies, and I'm always in the process of making something or other. In my previous post, written early in April, I mentioned wanting to teach children to crochet. Well, guess what? I got the opportunity to start a Stitch Club at our school, last month, and we're on our way! I have a colleague who's teaching the knitting, and I'm overseeing the crocheting. But the most exciting part is seeing the students who can already knit and crochet teaching the newbies. I want to make sure, though, that they also learn and grow in the group, and experience the satisfaction of making something they've never made before. So, yes - that's a new and exciting energy in my life, and I'm over the moon about it. I love the timing, because exams start in a few weeks, and children need as many creative outlets as possible, when studying. Taking a study break shouldn't be just scrolling through social media. It's good to stimulate your brain in different ways, with texture, colour and repetitive movement. I believe this club will grow in beautiful ways. I want to wear handmade items to school, to be a walking example of what's possible.

CRAFTING - KNIT AND NATTER

In our adult craft club, Knit and Natter, I'm almost done with the joining of granny squares of different sizes, as part of our current group project. I'm doing half a blanket, my cousin's doing the other half in the same style but with a different palette, and we'll be joining the two halves soon. This is the first time I've done this type of collaboration. Last year, our very first project was similar, but a lot less detailed - each one in the group made as many squares as possible, the same size, but different colours and patterns, and some were knitted and others crocheted. We stitched them together to make two cosy blankets, and donated them to the 67 Blankets for Mandela annual blanket drive. I've learnt a few new techniques, in the course of this project, which is always fun. I've also realised that everytime I learn a new technique in crocheting, that's all I want to do. It happened with the corner-to-corner blanket, as well as with the teddies. Now I'm hooked (so to speak) on granny squares.   

                             My half of the blanket for this year's 67 Blankets for Mandela. 
 

MUSIC

My public music life has had to take a backseat for a while, but this is how life goes. It ebbs and flows. One of the most important lessons I've learnt is to be mindful of my energy and how I expend it. Performing in public takes a lot of energy. And it's not just when you're on stage - it's for the rehearsal phase, as well. Ideally, performers should always be in rehearsal phase, in one form or another, and always as close to performance-ready as possible. When you're gigging regularly, you build up a gig-fitness that you take for granted. When you're performing infrequently,  as I am now, you need the discipline to stay well-rehearsed, or you lose your edge. I've been struggling with that, since I started this job (at the end of August last year). 

About two weeks ago, I set up my P.A. system, and whenever I have a few minutes (at least 30!), I plug in my guitar and sing a few songs. I try to do a combo of originals and covers, because a gig could crop up at short notice and I want to be ready. Besides the gig-readiness, it's my favourite thing to do - play my guitar and sing. I could lose myself in it for a long time, but with my current teaching workload, which consumes most of my private time, I'm constantly aware of how little time I can actually spend making music. One day the scales will tip again, and I'll restore the balance I crave.        

But for now ~ I'll do what I can, when I can, with what I have, and bear the bigger picture in mind. In many ways, I am very lucky. 

I still do the many affirmations that have got me through difficult times, at different stages of my life, including this one: When I live my truth, the universe supports me.