Always Rushin: Where there's life...

Almost halfway through my 60s, with some dreams achieved and many more not (yet), I find myself wondering how much longer I have on his earth, and - more worryingly - what those years will be like. I think that old people worry about three main things - health, money, and family.

By the time your health problems start, it's generally too late to reverse them, and all you have are regrets. I should've .... I shouldn't've.... I suppose the same could be said about money problems, and, to a certain extent, family problems too.

But there's this saying, "Where there's life, there's hope", attributed to Cicero (106 - 43 BC), that has been one of my guiding stars throughout my adult life. When my father died, in Dec 2005, I became acutely aware that he no longer had any opportunities, but that I still did. At that time, I was 44, I was working in the TEFL industry, it was three years since my divorce, and I was in a new relationship. Three months after my dad died, one of my younger cousins, Judy, died. She was the first one of my maternal cousins to die, and one of the younger lot, so it hit us hard. I had never felt the finality of death so strongly. That was 20 years ago, and the rest of the cousins (14) are still around. With Judy's death, I was once again filled with thoughts of how I could live my life to the fullest, given that there were no guarantees I'd live to see old age.

And here I am - 64 years old, and thinking about life and death. When I was 23, I entered into a relationship with someone 15 years my senior. Eight years later, I got out. Interestingly enough - or proof of how successfully manipulated I was? - we'd split up many times, including for as long as three years. Now that I understand life better, I understand that that relationship was doomed from the start. The important thing is that I got out. I gave myself a new beginning. I landed on my feet, and entered a new chapter.

Less than a year later, I met someone completely different, and we got married about eighteen months later. Happy at first, had two children, but the incompatibility became clear early on. After about seven and a half years of marriage, the divorce was finalised. We'd both tried, in our own ways, but it was a lost cause. Once we'd gone through a few different therapists as a couple, I could no longer ignore how severely unhappy I was, I knew I had a very hard road ahead of me. I got divorced and requested zero alimony, in accordance with my belief system: I don't believe a man should provide financially for his ex-wife after a divorce, if she can work. I do believe that he should co-provide for his children, though. Most importantly, I got out. This time, the stakes were higher - I was older, and two innocent children's lives were seriously impacted. But I believed in giving myself a chance to be happy. I believed I could land on my feet.

Two years later, I met a completely different type of man, fell hopelessly in love, and felt I'd found the person I wanted to be with forever. But no relationship is without its issues: after eight and a half years, I discovered infidelity, knew I could never forgive that level of disrespect, and we split. I felt almost ridiculous, having my heart broken at age 50, but that's life - the script for each of us is unique. With my self-awareness at an all-time high, I got out. It hurt profoundly, but I did what was right for me.

There was a parallel in my working life - I left my first teaching post after fourteen years, and have spent the last thirty years doing different things that made sense to me. This entailed mostly teaching - in and outside of the state education system - but also a five-and-a-half-year stint in the corporate sector, working in Corporate Social Investment, as (amongst other things) a liaison person between the company and its funding beneficiaries. Every job I've had has added to my knowledge, my skill set and my world view. My frame of reference is so wide, that I get bored easily when in an environment where narrow-mindedness is the order of the day. Because I've worked in situations where my natural problem-solving ability and other leadership skills were given the space to thrive, it drives me crazy when I have to defer to people with less life experience and no clue as to how to lead.

So what's the point? I'm trying to remind myself that I have a solid track record of not stagnating, and of believing so strongly in myself, that I have reinvented myself a few times, and found that there's always a better, brighter chapter ahead. I just need the courage to turn the page.

For some people, success meant staying, no matter what. For me, it's always meant not accepting what no longer feels right, and granting myself a new beginning, no matter how uncomfortable the transition feels. Yes, in many ways it is definitely more complicated the older you get.

But complicated's not the same as impossible, is it?

Where there's life, there's hope.