Double exposure (Written 6 March 2011)

Picture: A cropped version of a picture taken at a music practice at Katilist Theatre, in Observatory, Cape Town, in 2008. Came out as two photos in one shot, and I love the effect.

As I continue along this incredible part of my journey through life, I can feel myself growing and changing, and the realizations along the way are not always easy. Self-awareness, looking into that mirror and taking a good, hard look at everything about myself, is not always fun and exciting. Along with my recent breakthroughs, daily successes that seem to be propelling me towards my goals at an alarming pace, I’ve encountered some challenges. And this is how I know I’m changing: I know that I am directly responsible for everything in my life, both the wonderful, affirming successes as well as the challenges that have cropped up and have the potential to undermine my successes or derail my resolve and enthusiasm.

Part of the clarity I’m gaining, as I progress through my weekly sessions with life coach, Inez Woods, is that I’m starting to identify patterns in my life. I can now clearly see how decisions I made in the past impact on me and complicate my life now, and the consistent theme is: whenever I handle something in a way that is not empowered, not accountable, not facing an issue squarely and truthfully, not bearing possible/inevitable consequences in mind - or let’s say whenever I do the ostrich thing - I can be sure that that particular matter will not go away quietly – it will come back and complicate my life when I least want it to.

So what’s the lesson? For me, the lesson is that, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant, even embarrassing, something may be, I have to deal with it like a responsible adult, address it humbly and honestly, tie up that loose end and move on. When I don’t, I might delude myself for a while (often years, in my case), but it ALWAYS resurfaces and when I eventually get round to sorting it out, it’s a lot messier, and it blocks my personal energy to the point where, if I don’t address it and sort it out, I can’t move on with my other goals.

What am I talking about? Sometimes it’s something like not having called a company to explain that I’ve been retrenched, and watching ‘helplessly’ as my debit orders “bounce” month after month, and sometimes it’s more personal, like an ambiguous relationship that’s been going nowhere for years, but because it’s sort of worked in other ways, I’ve just let the niggling things slide.

A line that Oprah Winfrey says comes to mind, and I know for sure that it’s never too late to tie up a loose end in my life: “When you know better, do better.” There are many reasons why we all do what we do, and I gain strength from knowing that everyone is on some kind of journey, that we’re all generally figuring things out as we go along.

Today I give thanks for the people in my life who’ve known me for many years and who love me. I give thanks for a subset of that group, the ones who accept that I have a set agenda for myself that doesn’t always fulfil their expectations, and who love me anyway. And I give thanks for new people coming into my life, at a very exciting time for me, who in different ways are adding their energy to my life, fuelling me along my journey. I choose to believe that there’s always a reciprocal energy flow, and in this case, I sincerely hope I am enriching their lives as they’re doing mine.

Utterly amazed

Today was amazing - I had my 5th life coaching session with Inez, spent about 2 hours tackling some clutter in my house (yes, Operation Unclutter is still alive and kicking!) and went for a 70-minute walk with my best friend. I'm so proud of our walking regime! I think we must've spent the past four years talking about walking for exercise, and here we are, in our third consecutive month, walking briskly for just over an hour at a time. In a good week, we manage three walks, and she usually does a long weekend one. My alternative is swimming, something I hadn't done for the whole of February! On Saturday, I went down to the gym and got into the pool! How does one describe that feeling of utter relief and bliss? It reminded me of the first time my jeans fitted me after I'd had my baby - ooh, the sensuality of that well-worn denim against my skin....! Slipping into the water, I felt like I'd come home! Maybe in a former life I was a water creature. Haha - I'm definitely one now!
All I know is, when I'm submerged in water, I believe, with every cell in my body, that absolutely anything is possible.

I love swimming underwater, and I start every length with a few underwater strokes, way down at the bottom of the pool. When I've got enough breath stored up, I can do ten strokes before my lungs feel they want to burst, and then I make my way to the surface, happy to reach the top and to swim the rest of the length like a normal person. We can all pretend, can't we? Haha! And then it's time to swim back and I just can't resist going underwater again. When I'm tired, I can only manage 5 or 6 strokes before I have to surface, but that's ok. Just having been at the bottom makes my heart pound with excitement. I was hoping to do 50 lengths, my current best, but at 38 lengths my calves felt like they were going to cramp, so I slowly swam two more. What can I say? I'm Virgo, and we like round figures, symmetry. So 40 was what I achieved. Had the sauna to myself, then hopped onto the scale - numbers moving in the desired direction. Last year one of my mottos was "Time is my best friend". With regular exercise and a more sensible approach to the rest of my life, time is definitely my best friend. Nice to watch the progress.

One of the things I'm becoming aware of, at this intense, challenging time, is how much clearer certain things are becoming. As I make my way through each day of this unusual time of my life, I'm becoming much better at identifying what's good and what's not good for me. More importantly, I'm learning how to articulate it. Even more significantly, I'm not trying to please anyone with my choices. It's taken me almost half a century to get that right - I'll be 50 in 6 months' time! It ends up being a process of elimination, and what a liberating experience it is.

One of the sobering realities that emerged in my session today was how, even 5 sessions into the process, I still find myself indulging in my old habit of self-sabotage! I suppose it's been years and years of that pattern/habit, and I've mastered the art by now. I even find noble ways of distracting myself, just so that I don't do what I'm supposed to be doing. Gopal Ramasammy-Cook, another brilliant life coach, was the first person who exposed me to the phrase "fear of success" - something I think many of us carry around, in the form of one of those monkeys on our backs.

And so I continue my journey. This week's certainly had its challenges, and some things are still unresolved. But so many other things are going well, and so many possibilities exist.

Today I give thanks for my best friend and my life coach, for my children and my mom, for people who've come into my life and acknowledged my skills and experience, and have given me projects to work on. I give thanks for the lessons I learn every single day. I give thanks for past failures and what they've taught me. I give thanks for past partners, for what we shared and what I learnt.

But most of all, I give thanks for today, for tomorrow, and for all the tomorrows to come. Things are evolving organically, and I am utterly amazed at how life is unfolding!

Changing tracks

Yesterday I took a train to town, and allowed myself to be fully immersed in, and alert to, the total experience. I closed my eyes, could feel myself being lulled by the rocking movement of the train, and I understood why so many people actually dozed off en route to their destinations. Sometimes it's quite funny watching someone nod off, then jerk awake as the train jolts them upright. I've even seen a few people resting their heads on the shoulders of complete strangers. Very funny watching how the shoulder-owner reacts. Haha! Years of enforced politeness come to the fore, as they bravely bear the getting-heavier-by-the-minute head of their unknown travelling companion, grinning sheepishly when they realise you're watching them.

I've been fascinated by group dynamics for a long time, and I love observing people who find themselves having to share a space, especially with strangers. In South Africa, it's even more fascinating, as years of enforced separation - separate living areas, separate amenities, including parts of the station and carriages on trains - play themselves out in the sometimes-odd ways we have of dealing with people from different ethnic groups. Sometimes funny, mostly sad.

But a feeling I like experiencing in a train, is that sensation when the train changes tracks. You get knocked about a little, you find yourself jumping involuntarily in your seat, you feel slightly insecure, and there's definitely a trace of pending doom - what if the train were to be derailed in the process? - that passes as soon as you've noticed it. The noise that accompanies it is not a smooth sound; it is loud, arhythmical and jarring - the sound of chaos. And then it ends, and the quiet, lulling movement and sound of the train return. You unconsciously breathe a sigh of relief, unaware of the seeds of trepidation that threatened to germinate, only seconds before. You sigh, sometimes audibly, and you continue what you'd been doing before, except now you're travelling along different tracks, a more efficient route to your destination having been selected. The transition is over, nothing more than just a routine, everyday occurrence for trains.

I'm on a journey. I'm changing tracks. I think I need to read this blog post whenever I fear that the cacophony of changing tracks is significant enough to silence the music in any way other than just momentarily.

Redefining

Picture: Sunset in Mitchells Plain, taken from a friend's car, in January 2011.

Caught up in another insomnia episode. Listening to old Stevie Wonder love songs. Not sure if it's the songs themselves or the fact that I know every note of the music from my childhood (Songs In The Key Of Life), but I find this particular music perfect for me when I'm like this - soothing, reassuring, familiar.

Let's face it, you get insomnia and insomnia. This kind I could do without, because it entails some kind of heartache, and I don't feel energised to create. Earlier, I played guitar, tried out some fresh material for my gig on Thursday.

Okay, let me write about that.

Last week, I started a solo gig at a lovely little place in Woodstock, a suburb close to Cape Town's city centre, called Don Pedro's. It's one of those cosy little unpretentious late-night haunts, popular over the years with - am I allowed to say this? - lefty and arty types. :-) I played two sets, and wow, what an experience! Strange for me, after having performed in duo format for so long. Even stranger to my friends that I was so nervous, because they've heard me doing solo performances over the years.

Looking at it philosphically, I see it as another aspect of the bigger process I'm putting myself through, i.e. redefining myself. It's no coincidence that I got offered the weekly solo slot now - in fact, I strongly believe it's synchronicity at work. I am willing these things into my life, and - for once - opening myself to "unusual" offers and giving myself the benefit of the doubt.

I absolutely love working in a duo with a second (more accomplished) guitarist, because the accompaniment is fuller and better, and I feel a freedom in my singing that I struggle to achieve on my own. To overcome that, I've started practising for at least an hour every day, with this solo gig in mind. I need to nail this, as it's another step along my journey. What made me feel very good was the positive response I got when I shared the news of the gig with my two main guitarists, Keith and Wayne. That made me feel good. Both of them know me well, and they can appreciate what a big step this is for me.

Now listening to Rod Stewart singing jazz ballads with a big band. Strange voice, but it's grown on me. There's something about raspy voices that I like. Steve Tyrell. Elvis Costello. Louis Armstrong! And let's not forget the Big Daddy of the sexy rasp - Kurt Elling. Oooh!

"These Foolish Things" playing now. I had a lot of fun with Keith at our last gig when we played this, a recent addition to my repertoire, because I kept singing (away from the mic.) the little riff Rod Stewart's band plays between phrases - corny, but catchy. :-)

Back to the solo gig. In a solo performance, you can imagine, there's no place to hide. I am responsible for not just the singing (my stronger skill), but also the guitar playing. Very different to playing as the second guitarist. But it went quite well, and, like so many other stressful experiences, it was over before I knew it. Next time, I'll be a lot better prepared, because now I have a feel for the place, the proximity of the audience, and just the broad scope I have when choosing from my wide selection of songs. Working on introductions and endings, because - as I said - there's no place to hide! Haha! In the duos, I often don't play on intros and endings. A nice challenge for me. Well-timed.

Hoping the other gig comes through, as well. Having one solo and one duo gig per week would be fantastic!

Last week, I did something I should probably have done years ago - I contacted music agents! Did it over a few days, first searching on the 'net, jotting down contact names and telephone numbers, calling the ones I liked and then e-mailing them the info they requested.

Interesting, this whole redefining process. My daughter is in her final year at primary school, so we're busy applying to high schools, and there's a lot of paperwork to fill out. I'm busy re-learning that the way we articulate who we are, is very important, so I told her not to write that I was "unemployed", but that I was "self-employed". "As what?", she asked. "As a Musician and a Language Practitioner", I replied. She hesitated, asking if I didn't want to say Music Teacher, and I said that that didn't cover the gigs and concerts. Eventually she wrote it down, but I could see her reluctance. Redefining can be confusing to us, ourselves, so imagine how much more for our loved ones.

And now, thankfully, at 03:11, I am finally yawning and happy to go to sleep.

Allow me to leave you with this question: how do you articulate who you are and what you're about? Do you use negative, self-deprecating terms which keep you stuck in a rut, and which leave no possibility for growth? For the next few days, listen to what you say to others (and yourself) about yourself. Who's really holding you back?

As I end this post, Rod Stewart aptly sings another of my favourite songs, "That's All".

The most important question

Picture: Sunset sky, from High Level Rd, Sea Point (Oct. 2010)

Life is indeed filled with exciting possibilities. Of course it always has been, but I’ve been either too busy, too unwilling or not ready to fully appreciate it.

On Saturday, I completed my third weekly session of my 12-week life coaching programme. In my second week, I made a commitment to myself, to focus on those things (and people) in my life that give me something to look forward to. You know that wonderful feeling, when you wake up on a day on which something exciting’s going to happen? Well, I want my whole life to be like that. I want to wake up every day feeling I’ve got something to look forward to. I can’t achieve that if I’m allowing myself to be bogged down with energy-draining activities or people, so I’m consciously striving to surround myself with the kind of energy that will enable this spirit to thrive in my life. Why? Because I believe it’s all possible. In fact, I really do believe that we all know, on some level, just how amazing life could be, but we’ve been trained over the years not to expect much, to lower our expectations of life, so that we won’t be disappointed. All you need is one deeply disappointed person in your close circle, someone you spend a lot of time with, whom you’ve listened to for many years, to keep you firmly trapped in the chains of negativity, cynicism and hopelessness. It’s like trying to grow a plant without sunshine and water.

While I was doing the surveys profiling District 6 land claimants, I encountered a friend I hadn’t seen in a while – Inez Woods. She’d been living abroad for many years. In the course of our working together, I discovered that she was a life coach, that she’d had a thriving practice in Ireland, and that she was busy setting up in Cape Town. She offered me three months of life coaching, as a skills exchange, and this is the process I’m on right now. It’s like a weight loss programme with a difference – the weight I’m losing is metaphorical, as I shed layer after layer of negative energy that manifests itself as self-doubt, procrastination, self-sabotage, lethargy, blame, etc. The flipside of loss is always gain – something I often lose sight of. When you lose something, you automatically gain something else. I lost my job, but I gained time to explore possibilities.

This morning was amazing. First of all, I was exhausted last night, after having spent the whole day cleaning my house, so I had an unusually early night. Housework…… ah, what can I say…… a necessary evil. I don’t enjoy doing it, but I enjoy the feeling after it’s been done. I haven’t had a domestic worker for at least 6 years, so this is nothing new. My children return to me every second Sunday, so there’s this mad rush to get the place nice and clean before they get here. I joke that this is more like Trudy’s Guesthouse for them, but you know what - nobody can teach you how to split your life like we do, so I’m doing the best I can. The most important thing, with this shared living arrangement, is that the children feel loved in both homes. Achieve that, and the rest is just detail.

Before I dropped off to sleep last night, I did the Mind Power exercise that puts you in touch with your unconscious mind, and I asked that other realm of myself to show me, once again, the possibilities for my life. My last dream, as I woke up, was so inspiring, the perfect sign for me right now, that, after lying in bed smiling at the contents of the dream, I got up and happily started this new day, this new week, and what felt like a new phase of my life, a new beginning.

I had to get up extra early because I had to walk both of my kids somewhere, as my car is still at the mechanic’s. I got up at 5:30, and by 6:35 was walking my son to his friend’s house, a short walk from ours. There were very few cars and people about, and the air was crisp and fresh. A chilly breeze reminded me that summer was already saying goodbye, making way for autumn. By the time I got back, I’d been away from home for 35 minutes. We took a short-cut on the way, but I walked the full distance back, because it was really pleasant. Ten minutes after getting home, it was time to walk my daughter to school. This took about 20 minutes, and I picked up the pace coming back, so it ended up being another 35-minute walk. By the time I got home, it was only 7:45!

And that’s how my day started. And now, here I am, doing something I love doing, something that always energises me – writing!

Last week was exceptionally constructive. I was without my car, and ended up taking a train somewhere almost every day. On Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, I took a train to Wittebome, on Wednesday to town, and on Saturday to Claremont. Lots of walking, lots of fresh air, and I saved a lot of money in the process!

On Tuesday and Thursday, I facilitated focused discussion groups for a gay activist organisation. Very interesting subject matter, and on a personal level, very cool to be afforded the opportunity to do something so different as an income-generating activity – also known as a job! What was even nicer was being approached by one of the participants to possibly do similar work for their organisation.

On Wednesday I wrapped up some matters with my ex-employer, and that felt like progress. My best friend, Tracy, and I managed to walk thrice, which was also great.
I sorted out my gym membership, another milestone! As soon as I have my car back, I’m heading off for a much-longed-for swim. I haven’t swum this month yet!

This process of life coaching is fascinating. I have a terrible habit of coming up with great ideas, then doing nothing about them. I spend a lot of time in thought mode, but not enough in action mode, when it comes to my goals and dreams. What’s happening now is I’m being forced to focus on my goals and to implement the necessary steps that will take me closer to them. I also have a habit of wasting time, spending hours doing unimportant things, and now I check myself and I ask myself, “Is this taking me closer to my urgent goals? Could I be doing something else that would achieve that?” And then I get up and do what I know I should be doing. I get tasks to do every week, and there’s a high level of accountability with the weekly contact sessions. No place to hide!

There are certain aspects I won’t write about, but believe me, this process touches every part of my life. It’s an entire spring-clean of my life, all aspects of it. Anything that emerges as holding me back, keeping me trapped, pulling me down, retarding my progress, is part of the spring-clean. It’s liberating and frightening, at the same time, because the more layers of extraneous issues you strip away, the more of your essential self you’re left with. Getting to the point where there’s no-one to blame but yourself when you don’t reach your goals, is even more scary than undressing in the gym’s changing rooms, surrounded by mirrors and slim, well-toned 20-somethings!

But let’s get to the title of this blog post.

Every now and then, someone says something so profound, something that you take with you for the rest of your life, and often the person isn’t even aware of the far-reaching effects of his or her words. The other day, in a context quite unrelated to my life coaching sessions, someone asked me, “TRUDY, WHO'S IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE?” It came at a moment in my life when I was seeking clarity on something specific, and a better question could not have been asked of me. It was like the clouds parted, a magnificent beam of light shone down, guitars played (harps just don’t do it for me!) and I knew, without a doubt, that THAT was the question that would help me find what I was looking for.

Whenever I find myself lapsing into my old ways, that way of putting everyone’s needs above my own, relegating my own goals while I enable others to reach theirs, deferring my own gratification because I’m in martyr mode, I will ask that question.

If I ever wondered what that person’s role had actually been in my life, that question, a crucial part of my toolkit for the rest of my life, put that entire relationship into perspective.

HE asked the most important question of my life.

The truth about dhanya

It took me a long time to realise the truth about dhanya. I thought that if you planted it, you could cut some leaves whenever the plant grew and it would continue growing. I imagined a permanence that never was there, except in my imagination. I'd wanted it to be permanent, mine, standing openly and proudly in my garden, proof of my ability to nurture and sustain. What I never saw was obvious to everyone but me - dhanya doesn't work like that. It grows, it thrives, it becomes fragrant and beautiful and it reaches a point where that's all it's ever going to be - and you have to enjoy it right then. If you imagine it's going to be as beautiful, as fragrant, as filled with potential in a week's time, you're wrong. You will have missed the moment, because you didn't really see dhanya as it was, as it had always ever said it was. After it reaches its time for picking, if you don't pick it, it shrivels up and dies a little every day, until there's no trace of your ever having had a dhanya plant.

I can't blame the dhanya for how I feel now - it never lied to me. It was what it was, mine for a while, to enjoy, to appreciate. But it never intended to stay. 'Cos dhanya is just that way. It's genetically programmed for just that life cycle.

And now that I know the truth abut dhanya, I suppose I should go to the nursery and buy another tray of plants, and get it right this time. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that whole process again, though. So, until I am, I'll get my dhanya in small quantities, as I need it. Too much of an investment for such a small return.

And life goes on....

My old friend

Hello, Insomnia, my old friend
Looks like it's you 'n me again!