Notice also, how song lyrics echo the media message of what love's all about. Listen carefully to how many singers sing of the pain and the anguish, about how love hurts "so bad", and all the unfortunate sentiments about women not being able to live without men. A lot more frequent than the other way round! Haha! Check out a song like "Never Never Never", by Shirley Bassey! How many of us haven't sung that song over and over in our lives, with tears streaming down our faces! "Impossible to live with you, but I know I could never live without you..." Eish!
Look out for the songs that portray healthier relationship dynamics, like "I Will Survive", "It's My Turn", "I Am Woman" and that one by Whitney Houston where she sings about entering a phase of her life where she's going to focus on herself. There are not that many around. Keep listening!
Maybe the real challenge is for thinking, empowered songwriters to come up with some alternatives.
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Almost finished reading "Women Who Love Too Much"
Still reading “Women Who Love Too Much”, by psychologist Robin Norwood, and finding it fascinating.
This is my take on the book, right now. I’ve tried to be clear as to when I’m discussing the writer’s own points and when I’m adding my own thoughts.
Robin Norwood’s point of departure is that girls who grow up in families that are dysfunctional in any way end up being adults who make poor choices of partners, with seriously unhappy consequences, and that there’s a direct causal link between the childhood experiences and the adult choices.
She expands on what she means by “dysfunctional”, saying it includes things as obvious as any form of abuse (substance, physical, emotional, sexual), divorce, to things as seemingly innocuous as perfectionism, religious fundamentalism or any kind of excessive behaviour by one of the parents, including workaholism. (She purports that the male equivalent of ‘women who love too much’ is workaholism.)
Another of her theories is that we unconsciously revert to forms of behaviour, as adults, that we engaged in as children, simply because they’re familiar. She likens it to a dance, saying we do a form of dance with the parent of the opposite sex, and that whatever that dance (relationship) was like, regardless of whether it made us happy or not, we generally resort to that same set of ‘moves’ in our adult relationships with the opposite sex. Which means that, when we meet someone and the “fit” feels completely right, or the feeling of being with the person is so “comfortable” or familiar, that’s because it’s reminiscent of our childhood experiences. Scary already? Imagine how the whole book makes you feel! Especially if you started reading it because, like me, you see a pattern in your adult relationships with men that does not lead to fulfillment or happiness, but rather to disappointment and disillusionment.
So here’s an even more scary fact: you can actually go from one man to another, each seemingly different, and yet, because you’re carrying your same unresolved issues around inside, you’ll keep reaching the same unhappy conclusion!
She deals with the fact that in many families, children end up taking on adult responsibilities way too young, and that this tends to surface in situations where one parent is absent, either temporarily, sporadically or permanently. The child in the house starts to “take care” of the adult in the house, as a way of demonstrating love and gratitude, perceiving and trying to compensate for the lack of those things in that parent’s life. Sometimes this relationship becomes so complex, that it gets in the way of healthy adult relationships later on. The potential for the parent to engage in emotional blackmail in order to maintain the status quo, could also present problems. (This is where the stereotype of the jealous, manipulative mother-in-law finds its roots, I’d imagine.)
One of the most fascinating theories in the book is on the topics of denial and control, which she says are typically experienced by people in dysfunctional families. She says that children in unhappy homes often resort to denial, as a way of coping with what’s happening. This is usually accompanied by a strong need to control whatever can be controlled, since everything else feels so out of control. The issues of denial and control follow these children into adulthood, as they become the main way of coping and getting along in life. What’s particularly fascinating is how the denial and control manifest, which is usually in forms of behaviour that at face value come across as nurturing, caring, helping. The more extreme the need is to control (the environment, hence the people), the more extreme the “helping” ends up being. And so people get accolades for their humanitarian work, etc. or their successful careers in the helping professions, but what they’re actually doing is acting out old coping mechanisms that became a way of life.
In daily interactions, there is a point at which these offers of help become excessive and annoying, since the complexity of the issues at hand means lots of little games are being played all of the time: reject my offer of help and you’re obviously rejecting me as a person. Then I’ll sulk until you feel so bad, you’ll do anything I ask you to, in order to make me feel better. Some people live by these games – they actually don’t know how to engage in healthy daily encounters, free of the guilt and manipulative strategies. When they eventually do encounter people with healthier ways of communicating, who confidently articulate their boundaries, it’s easier to gang up against that person than to look at their own patterns and see the shortcomings that lie therein.
She talks about how children in troubled families typically resort to one of three forms of behaviour: being good, being bad (to distract the family from its real problems, and to provide a scapegoat for what’s going wrong), or being invisible, not drawing any attention to themselves.
The more I read the book and think about the people in my life, starting with myself, I can see how spot-on she is with her theories. Denial is such a strong coping mechanism – it can shape the way we use language, in our unconscious attempts to avoid dealing with the ugliness of the reality of our lives. When someone is passed out in a drunken stupor every single time his guests leave after a party, the sentence used to articulate the alcoholism is, “Tommy likes to take a drink now and then.” I don’t think so. Undiagnosed he may be, but Tommy is an alcoholic. His children learn the patterns modeled by the mom, and they go on, in turn, to hide ugly realities with euphemisms, denying the sadness in their own lives, years later, because that’s what nice girls do. Nice girls don’t make a fuss. “Never let yourself be called a nagging wife.” Why the hell not? The unspoken threat is, “He’ll leave you.” And you know how terrible it felt when your original family broke up; in fact you probably felt guilty in part, although you never quite knew why, but you silently make a mental note to yourself, that you’ll never cause a man to leave you. Whether that ends up making you choose someone you feel you can dominate, or turns you into the one who always has to do the breaking up, the scars remain.
And one doesn’t become wiser with age, with this kind of thing. I know people a generation older than me who are still living their lives trying to be invisible, trying not to draw attention to themselves, putting themselves at risk because they don’t want to ask anyone for help. So afraid to put a step wrong in the eyes of the world, in case people think they’re bad in any way. So scared to disappoint anyone, because “what will the people think/say”? Denial. Denial.
Flipside of the coin = control.
A: “I’ll do X or Y for you, so that you can take a break.”
B: “But I’m happy to do it myself; I really don’t mind.”
A: “I said I’d do it for you ok? Can’t you see I’m trying to help? Don’t you appreciate my offer to help? One day I won’t be around, and you’ll regret it.”
B: “Seriously, I really don’t mind doing it myself.”
A: “No, you’ve had a busy day, and I WANT to do it for you! I’m just trying to make life a little easier for you.”
After years of the same battle, person B has to decide if in this instance it’s worth anyone’s while to tackle the controlling attempts of person A, or not.
And then you have whole families of people caught up after years of doing the same dance in the unhealthy patterns of I’ll-manipulate-you-and-you’ll-do-what-I-say. Enter the outsider, the person marrying into that family, and then the sparks potentially fly. Unless you’re wary (or cowardly?) enough and you conveniently marry someone who fits right in.
Another very interesting dynamic she refers to is the way families react when someone from within the ranks calls the dysfunctionalism for what it is, and declares that he/she is no longer going along with the game. Families close ranks, and the member who dares to go against the established order becomes the outcast. Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes overt. In extreme cases that reach the media, you hear of one person alleging publicly that she was a victim of incest as a child. Because this revelation threatens the carefully guarded family secret, and the implications for others in the family are huge, families often shun the one who went public, refusing to corroborate her claims.
One of the most fascinating things she points out in the book, which has opened my eyes yet again to the messages given to us by the media – movies, advertisements, talk shows, soap operas, magazines, etc. – is how the perceptions that love has to hurt and being in love is dramatic, even painful, are perpetuated. Women wonder why they’re attracted to “bad boys”, but it’s taught to us from an early age: love hurts! When we meet a nice, loving man, who appreciates us and is prepared to accept us as we are, we feel deprived of the angst, the heartache, the swooning, yearning, the pain that we read about in all those romantic novels as teenagers! And we reject said “normal” man in favour of the one with the dark brooding looks, the one who makes our pulses race, the emotionally unavailable one. Hell, he’s the one we want to marry! In fact, most of us do, and then we do the other thing that the media perpetuates as recommendable (and possible) – we go about trying to CHANGE the man! I read a one-liner that said: “Never try to change a man unless he’s wearing diapers.” I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said those wise words!
A powerful message that comes through in the book is that, just like people can be addicted to substances (alcohol, drugs, food) and practices (sex, gambling), there are many women who are addicted to relationships, and instead of healing first and then moving on in a healthy way, they go from one bad relationship to another, sometimes with disastrous (even tragic) effects. A scary reality is that, as these unhappy relationships start to take their toll on women’s self-esteem, other addictions often set in as a form of coping with the unhappiness; in many women, the excessive intake of food or alcohol is a form of refuge. By the time these women go for help, there’s often more than one destructive pattern at work.
I’m at the part of the book that talks about how to break the patterns and move on to life a healthy life, making healthy relationship - and other – choices. The most important thing is that you can’t do it alone, so you need some kind of support structure. A list is provided of some of the most important steps to recovery, and the writer expands on each item on the list.
2010 is going to be a very significant year in my life.
This is my take on the book, right now. I’ve tried to be clear as to when I’m discussing the writer’s own points and when I’m adding my own thoughts.
Robin Norwood’s point of departure is that girls who grow up in families that are dysfunctional in any way end up being adults who make poor choices of partners, with seriously unhappy consequences, and that there’s a direct causal link between the childhood experiences and the adult choices.
She expands on what she means by “dysfunctional”, saying it includes things as obvious as any form of abuse (substance, physical, emotional, sexual), divorce, to things as seemingly innocuous as perfectionism, religious fundamentalism or any kind of excessive behaviour by one of the parents, including workaholism. (She purports that the male equivalent of ‘women who love too much’ is workaholism.)
Another of her theories is that we unconsciously revert to forms of behaviour, as adults, that we engaged in as children, simply because they’re familiar. She likens it to a dance, saying we do a form of dance with the parent of the opposite sex, and that whatever that dance (relationship) was like, regardless of whether it made us happy or not, we generally resort to that same set of ‘moves’ in our adult relationships with the opposite sex. Which means that, when we meet someone and the “fit” feels completely right, or the feeling of being with the person is so “comfortable” or familiar, that’s because it’s reminiscent of our childhood experiences. Scary already? Imagine how the whole book makes you feel! Especially if you started reading it because, like me, you see a pattern in your adult relationships with men that does not lead to fulfillment or happiness, but rather to disappointment and disillusionment.
So here’s an even more scary fact: you can actually go from one man to another, each seemingly different, and yet, because you’re carrying your same unresolved issues around inside, you’ll keep reaching the same unhappy conclusion!
She deals with the fact that in many families, children end up taking on adult responsibilities way too young, and that this tends to surface in situations where one parent is absent, either temporarily, sporadically or permanently. The child in the house starts to “take care” of the adult in the house, as a way of demonstrating love and gratitude, perceiving and trying to compensate for the lack of those things in that parent’s life. Sometimes this relationship becomes so complex, that it gets in the way of healthy adult relationships later on. The potential for the parent to engage in emotional blackmail in order to maintain the status quo, could also present problems. (This is where the stereotype of the jealous, manipulative mother-in-law finds its roots, I’d imagine.)
One of the most fascinating theories in the book is on the topics of denial and control, which she says are typically experienced by people in dysfunctional families. She says that children in unhappy homes often resort to denial, as a way of coping with what’s happening. This is usually accompanied by a strong need to control whatever can be controlled, since everything else feels so out of control. The issues of denial and control follow these children into adulthood, as they become the main way of coping and getting along in life. What’s particularly fascinating is how the denial and control manifest, which is usually in forms of behaviour that at face value come across as nurturing, caring, helping. The more extreme the need is to control (the environment, hence the people), the more extreme the “helping” ends up being. And so people get accolades for their humanitarian work, etc. or their successful careers in the helping professions, but what they’re actually doing is acting out old coping mechanisms that became a way of life.
In daily interactions, there is a point at which these offers of help become excessive and annoying, since the complexity of the issues at hand means lots of little games are being played all of the time: reject my offer of help and you’re obviously rejecting me as a person. Then I’ll sulk until you feel so bad, you’ll do anything I ask you to, in order to make me feel better. Some people live by these games – they actually don’t know how to engage in healthy daily encounters, free of the guilt and manipulative strategies. When they eventually do encounter people with healthier ways of communicating, who confidently articulate their boundaries, it’s easier to gang up against that person than to look at their own patterns and see the shortcomings that lie therein.
She talks about how children in troubled families typically resort to one of three forms of behaviour: being good, being bad (to distract the family from its real problems, and to provide a scapegoat for what’s going wrong), or being invisible, not drawing any attention to themselves.
The more I read the book and think about the people in my life, starting with myself, I can see how spot-on she is with her theories. Denial is such a strong coping mechanism – it can shape the way we use language, in our unconscious attempts to avoid dealing with the ugliness of the reality of our lives. When someone is passed out in a drunken stupor every single time his guests leave after a party, the sentence used to articulate the alcoholism is, “Tommy likes to take a drink now and then.” I don’t think so. Undiagnosed he may be, but Tommy is an alcoholic. His children learn the patterns modeled by the mom, and they go on, in turn, to hide ugly realities with euphemisms, denying the sadness in their own lives, years later, because that’s what nice girls do. Nice girls don’t make a fuss. “Never let yourself be called a nagging wife.” Why the hell not? The unspoken threat is, “He’ll leave you.” And you know how terrible it felt when your original family broke up; in fact you probably felt guilty in part, although you never quite knew why, but you silently make a mental note to yourself, that you’ll never cause a man to leave you. Whether that ends up making you choose someone you feel you can dominate, or turns you into the one who always has to do the breaking up, the scars remain.
And one doesn’t become wiser with age, with this kind of thing. I know people a generation older than me who are still living their lives trying to be invisible, trying not to draw attention to themselves, putting themselves at risk because they don’t want to ask anyone for help. So afraid to put a step wrong in the eyes of the world, in case people think they’re bad in any way. So scared to disappoint anyone, because “what will the people think/say”? Denial. Denial.
Flipside of the coin = control.
A: “I’ll do X or Y for you, so that you can take a break.”
B: “But I’m happy to do it myself; I really don’t mind.”
A: “I said I’d do it for you ok? Can’t you see I’m trying to help? Don’t you appreciate my offer to help? One day I won’t be around, and you’ll regret it.”
B: “Seriously, I really don’t mind doing it myself.”
A: “No, you’ve had a busy day, and I WANT to do it for you! I’m just trying to make life a little easier for you.”
After years of the same battle, person B has to decide if in this instance it’s worth anyone’s while to tackle the controlling attempts of person A, or not.
And then you have whole families of people caught up after years of doing the same dance in the unhealthy patterns of I’ll-manipulate-you-and-you’ll-do-what-I-say. Enter the outsider, the person marrying into that family, and then the sparks potentially fly. Unless you’re wary (or cowardly?) enough and you conveniently marry someone who fits right in.
Another very interesting dynamic she refers to is the way families react when someone from within the ranks calls the dysfunctionalism for what it is, and declares that he/she is no longer going along with the game. Families close ranks, and the member who dares to go against the established order becomes the outcast. Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes overt. In extreme cases that reach the media, you hear of one person alleging publicly that she was a victim of incest as a child. Because this revelation threatens the carefully guarded family secret, and the implications for others in the family are huge, families often shun the one who went public, refusing to corroborate her claims.
One of the most fascinating things she points out in the book, which has opened my eyes yet again to the messages given to us by the media – movies, advertisements, talk shows, soap operas, magazines, etc. – is how the perceptions that love has to hurt and being in love is dramatic, even painful, are perpetuated. Women wonder why they’re attracted to “bad boys”, but it’s taught to us from an early age: love hurts! When we meet a nice, loving man, who appreciates us and is prepared to accept us as we are, we feel deprived of the angst, the heartache, the swooning, yearning, the pain that we read about in all those romantic novels as teenagers! And we reject said “normal” man in favour of the one with the dark brooding looks, the one who makes our pulses race, the emotionally unavailable one. Hell, he’s the one we want to marry! In fact, most of us do, and then we do the other thing that the media perpetuates as recommendable (and possible) – we go about trying to CHANGE the man! I read a one-liner that said: “Never try to change a man unless he’s wearing diapers.” I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said those wise words!
A powerful message that comes through in the book is that, just like people can be addicted to substances (alcohol, drugs, food) and practices (sex, gambling), there are many women who are addicted to relationships, and instead of healing first and then moving on in a healthy way, they go from one bad relationship to another, sometimes with disastrous (even tragic) effects. A scary reality is that, as these unhappy relationships start to take their toll on women’s self-esteem, other addictions often set in as a form of coping with the unhappiness; in many women, the excessive intake of food or alcohol is a form of refuge. By the time these women go for help, there’s often more than one destructive pattern at work.
I’m at the part of the book that talks about how to break the patterns and move on to life a healthy life, making healthy relationship - and other – choices. The most important thing is that you can’t do it alone, so you need some kind of support structure. A list is provided of some of the most important steps to recovery, and the writer expands on each item on the list.
2010 is going to be a very significant year in my life.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Boxing Day 2009
It’s starting to dawn on me that in 6 days’ time it’ll be 2010! As I wolf down the last bits of Christmas decadence (fruit mince pie, heated in microwave for 30 secs, then covered with vanilla ice cream and custard………oh, man!) and wonder if I should get a second round now or later, I can’t help thinking about that one item that seems to appear on my list of New Year’s Resolutions every year (yea, THAT one!). Haha! It will probably be there in 2010 as well, glaring at me accusingly for 12 months.
Today I made the mistake of agreeing to let someone come and work in my garden. This happens about 6 times a year (the gardener, not the mistake), despite my other resolution to have someone here once a month. Had I not done that and basically been ‘on call’ as a result, I promise you I would’ve stayed in bed ALL DAY!!! I messed my back up again yesterday, doing 5 hours of housework before cooking lunch. Combination of picking up and moving heavy things and being terribly unfit. Looked at the name on the box of the painkillers: Sedapain. Thought to myself, “Waddayamean Sedapain?! All I can do is FEELDAPAIN!” This morning, the question was posed to me, at about 6am, “Do you want to go for a run?” I tried unsuccessfully to roll onto my other side, silenced by the pain, and eventually mumbled, “I take it you’re expecting an answer?”
What is the soundtrack to your life? With me, it changes all the time. Right now, listening to Tuck & Patti. It’s a cassette (if you’re younger than 15, you might want to look that up in the dictionary – or better yet, Google it. Even better, Blackle it!) that someone recorded for me many years ago, when the word “piracy” conjured up images of seafaring roughjacks with gold teeth and eye patches, swords, whiskey and rampant libidos. But, I digress. This T&P cassette has a song on it called “Dream” (one of Patti's many compositions), which could very well become my theme song for now, until the next powerful song comes along and sweeps me off my feet, as songs are wont to do. On the cassette is also a killer version of “They Can’t Take That Away From Me”. Do you know that the only version I’ve ever heard of the Beatles song, “I Will” is the Tuck & Patti one? What a cool song. I must say, no matter how much I love the sound of a piano, guitars just do it for me. There’s nothing more beautiful than a guitar and voice combination. Tuck & Patti are a husband and wife duo from America, who’ve been around for decades, crooning their soul-stirring ballads. He plays guitar like a genius, and she has the most amazing voice. I like! Oh, yes, I like! Their versions of “Dindi” and “My Romance” are absolutely beautiful.
Today couldn’t have been more different to what I’d anticipated. Two separate visitors, one from overseas to see my mom. Yup. And me looking as scruffy as the pirates in the previous paragraph. Virgoes take that kind of surprise badly! Will take me at least 6 months to live this down! Hair looking like a mop, not a stitch of make-up, wearing the clothes I’d do a hike in…….! Might just have to drown my sorrows with another bowl of afore-mentioned Xmas decadence. Heehee! I can be so hard on myself! Oh, Trudy, you masochist, you!
Later, same day, blogging with the tv on.
So SA television finally has an ad for a toilet bowl cleaner where Mutt & Jeff visit a black woman who’s freaked out by cleaning her loo. Yes, ad designers, blacks have loos too; they don’t just come into white households and clean yours. You’d think 15 and a half years after apartheid people would get beyond the stereotypes!
But wait, it’s still whackier – on one channel, an animated movie about a house that’s actually a monster, and on another, an animated movie about a family with special super-hero powers. And then there’s a Lotto programme where, after a young band has just done a hectic rock number, the presenter says, with all the finesse of a toddler, “That was a nice performance!” Don’t tire yourself with that vocab, now!
And life goes on……
Paging through the sheet music I unearthed while uncluttering my lounge, recently, I discovered a few songs that excite me. One I’ve just taught myself, a beautiful Rodgers & Hart ballad called “I Could Write A Book”. New to me, can’t remember hearing it done before. Sweet melody and lyrics. Then there’s one I’ve known a long time but never sung, “How Insensitive”, by my all-time favourite, Antonio Carlos Jobim. (Sting does a sexy version.) Time to find my key and add that to the repertoire. And then another Jobim song that I’d often heard but never really known the title of: “Once I Loved” – yet another Jobim beaut! What can I say? I have a soft spot for his compositions. Can’t wait to hear Diana Krall’s CD recorded in Rio (pronounced “Heeyo” by the locals). And then lastly, a song that will always make me think of pianist Onyx Phillips, working somewhere in Dubai or thereabouts, who plays it as an up-tempo samba, “You Don’t Know What Love Is”. Oooh!
From the sublime to the ridiculous:
Cockroach observations:
Have you noticed:
i) how cockroaches always run towards you when you’re emptying an entire can of spray on them, scared shitless?
ii) how they all look exactly alike? Are they all related? Probably not hard to trace your family tree, if you’re a cockroach.
iii) the weirdest cockroach characteristic…… those legs that carry on twitching for days after all other mobility has ceased!
And finally, a confession: that veg curry I made on Christmas Day, deliberately mild for my children’s palates – ended up tasting like stew, and I now have to drown it in mango atchar to make it even vaguely resemble curry!
Some people can sing, and some people can cook!
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Reflecting on 2009, Part 1
I love the fact that the end of the year happens during summer, for us. It's a great time to look back, because the season puts us in a generally optimistic mood, so we tend to look back in a positive spirit. I have had one of the most amazing years of my life! And the year's not over yet!!!!
One of the highlights was travelling to Brazil in March-April, on a 2-week marketing trip. Hadn't done much travelling abroad - previous time (my first overseas trip) was in 1998! This time round, I wasn't on holiday, but it was still a fantastic experience! We do destination marketing, telling people all about Cape Town and South Africa, which is a fun thing to do. Yes, there was some hard work involved, and there were some trying moments, but in the end it all worked out. I experienced Sao Paulo, one of the biggest cities in the world, and realised how relatively small Cape Town was! I spent time with South Africans outside of our country and felt the strong sense of pride we all carry inside of us. I loved meeting the people from the South African Consulate and hearing them speak equally fluently in English and Portuguese, as well as at least one indigenous South African language. Nice that they were so welcoming and so glad to host us. We all went out for supper one night, and there were about 20 of us around the table at this fantastic buffet restaurant, all proudly South African!
After 6 days in Sao Paulo, I travelled to the north-east of Brazil on my own, spending one day in each of Fortaleza, Recife and Salvador! Worked really hard, visiting agents, promoting CT and our school. Managed to catch some lovely live music on three ocassions in the 33 hrs I spent in Salvador, thanks to an ex-student, Adelmario, who proudly showed me his city. (In May, wrote a bossa nova song called "Salvador".) I got back to CT on the 2nd day of the Jazz Festival at the CTICC, but I was so jetlagged, I couldn't get myself to do anything other than take a hot shower, unpack a few things and flop into bed. Missing the festival because I'd been to Brazil was definitely not a problem!
I've just heard that I'm not going to the Sao Paulo expo next year, which means I WILL be going to the Cape Town International Jazz Festival in 2010. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Another major thing for me in 2009 was embarking on a new phase of my musical journey; on 1 February, I did a trio gig with my guitar teacher, Wayne Bosch, and double bassist, Shaun Johannes, in the first Jazz at the Nassau concert for the year. During the rehearsal period, the idea of working in duo format with Wayne was born, and we achieved our first regular gig in July, working every Saturday evening at The Food Lover's Market in Claremont. This gig was renewed on a monthly basis, and last night we did our last one there for the year, having played there every Saturday for 24 weeks, except last Saturday. (They'll be closed on Sat. 26/12 and Sat. 02/01.)
The growth I've experienced musically, since the beginning of 2009, is hard to explain without sounding arrogant, so suffice it to say that I've learnt a lot and I've changed a lot. The changes in my music life are part of a much bigger wave - starting to swell into a tsunami - of change I've been inviting into my life for a while now. I am so excited about what's happened this year, and the momentum's just building all the time. 2010 is looking better by the minute!
I'll be setting myself some tough challenges for the year ahead, but I have to push my boundaries even more than I did this year. And I have every confidence that the results will exceed all expectations.
I've learnt to trust my judgement without closing my mind to other possibilities.
I've learnt that dysfunctionalism can come in many guises.
I've learnt that having something to say doesn't mean I necessarily have to say it - sometimes it's ok to know something and not articulate it, for whatever reason.
I've learnt that what money can buy can be worked towards, but the most important thing, which no amount of money can buy, is to live your truth every single day.
I've learnt that looking at one's mistakes or bad choices can leave one feeling miserable, but that transformation begins with forgiving oneself.
I've re-discovered that books find us.
I've re-discovered that there's a strong link between physical fitness and spiritual well-being.
I've re-discovered that music is happily attached to every atom that makes me who I am.
I've gained a deeper appreciation of my link with my children and of how important my life choices are in their journey towards adulthood. I know that nothing could ever be more important than raising them as integrated, well-rounded adults who are capable of making healthy choices, because of me, not in spite of me.
This has been a fabulous year, and I am incredibly happy to be alive!
Friday, 18 December 2009
Summer holiday!
This picture was taken a year ago, at our school's end-of-year braai for our students. Dec 2008, Sea Point. We had a lot of fun that day!
Today we closed for two weeks. Some language schools stay open over this period, but we don't. Had a bit of a party: teachers, client services staff, marketing, housekeeping, managers, tour company. Nice-ish. I find these kinds of gatherings fun to a certain extent, and then I just find watching people really interesting. Always interested in how people who generally work together (and are not friends, per se) behave when they're at a staff party. Boundaries are so different for different people.
I enjoy my job, but I'm so happy to be on a break. For many reasons! I'm looking forward to the change of pace over the next two weeks. It's actually not all going to be R&R, because I've got this long list of things I want to achieve or at least start. I need to unclutter my physical environment, so that I can better unclutter my life spiritually and emotionally.
Also want to sleep late, read, journal, work in the garden and - of course - play my guitar and work on my new song!
I feel like I'm on the brink of a whole new phase of my life, and I need to make some significant changes to my surroundings, to experience the changes I anticipate more completely. It really is a long story!
For the past two nights, I got to sleep at 03h00! It's 22h55 now; I'm going to soak in a bubblebath and ease my way gently through some Mind Power exercises.
Excited about tomorrow night's gig with Wayne at Food Lover's Market. We'll be there from 7 to 10pm, doing three sets of jazz, swing, blues and pop, as well as a good selection of original music. This will be our last night there for 2009. We gave the gig to another duo last week (John Russell and Abigail Petersen), because we each had other commitments. That was my first Saturday night away from there since 4 July!
But hey,...... my bath awaits!
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Music Inside of Me
Photograph by Clark Little, famous wave photographer.
Did a gig tonight with Alvin Dyers - 2 sets at Baran's Khurdish Restaurant; an end-of-year staff party for a well-known company. Really cool to work with Alvin; he's easy-going, very professional and plays up a storm! I played my guitar quite a bit tonight, which was good. Recently I've been deferring to Wayne at our duo gigs, and hardly playing. It felt right to be playing and singing - that's who I am. I need to play more at my gigs with Wayne. (Memo to myself,......)
Today was a public holiday, and I stayed home with my children. It was very hot, so I tackled the laundry, which took me practically all day. About a week ago, my washing machine broke, and the laundry piled up. My friend fixed it a few nights ago, so it's all systems go. I managed to fit in an hour's snooze before getting ready for my gig.
Really tired (it's 01:35!!!) - will blog some other time. Drove home composing a new song, with the theme "Midnight Finds Me" - magic, poetry in the lyrics and such a cool tune! That mood was shattered, however, when I got home and found 4 huge cockroaches which had crawled into my house from under the kitchen door! Ugh! Big, strapping dudes! Emptied about half a can of Doom on them, and there are now two corpses lying on the kitchen floor. One of the four was extremely agile, crawling up the wall and onto the ceiling. I watched in horror as it walked upside down along the ceiling. Do you understand why I can't sleep now?! And then there's that outstanding matter of the unknown whereabouts of the other two!
Time to say goodnight. Listening to the recording of my concert. Quite a few mistakes throughout the evening. My favourite song on the CD is "Music Inside of Me", which makes me SO glad I chose it as the title of the concert! Interesting listening to what worked and what didn't. All I know is, there's a lot of work ahead of me, in more ways than one! There's most definitely a whole lot of music inside of me.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Monday, 14 December 2009
So much to say
Life's moving so fast, it's like I'm skating on ice! A friend tried to explain to me, years ago, what it felt like to surf, to ride the waves, and something about the pace of my life in recent weeks reminds me of his explanation.
It's midnight, and I'm exhausted! The good news is that I now have the internet at home, which opens up all kinds of possibilities. Have just placed ads in three newspapers for my gig with Wayne at Food Lover's Mkt, Claremont, this Sat 19 Dec. It will be our last one there for the year. Not sure whether we'll be there next year or not.
I'll have to do this some other time, because I really do have a lot to say, but right now I am very tired!
Had a strange encounter with someone today. The best word I can use to describe the reaction I got from this person is "underwhelmed". I know, I know, it's not a real word, but it's such a good word! I went to check something out, and met with this underwhelmed reception. Ek verstaanie! Of course I could put two and two together and come up with all kinds of theories as to what all of that was about, but all I know is: that's a bad connection for me, and not one I care to nurture. Weird. I've heard people talk about the In Crowd in certain circles in Cape Town, and today I encountered that arrogance, that snobbishness, that whothehellareyou attitude. I experience it and I walk away from it, because I don't subscribe to that rubbish. It's like people who think they're automatically better than others because of their jobs, their houses or their cars. What amazes me particularly is people whose status is elevated by virtue of a spouse's accomplishments. Funny. Random categories by which people are evaluated. Someone said to me, a few months ago: "It would be a good option for ordinary people like you." The distinction being drawn was along economic lines. Crazy, I know! But that's another story!
Need to blog a lot more about this topic, but here's a tiny review: my concert on the 6th was so cool! There were about 76 people, and it went very well. There was, of course, the odd glitch from the band, but generally it went very well. I now have a CD full of professional photos, and I also have an audio recording of the show. Got the pics last Tuesday (Lavonne Bosman rocks!!!) and the audio stuff yesterday (Andre Manuel rocks!!!).
The band: Charles Lezar (double bass), Nick Geffen (drums), Wayne Bosch (guitar) and I(voice, guitar). Right now, struggling to upload a pic. Will try again sometime. Probably next post.
I have two and a half days left of work, and then it's a 2-week break. I am tired. Happy, excited, new restlessness starting: to complete my debut CD! Can't remember when last I've been this restless. As a young lady said to me the other day, mixing two sayings: "Patience is golden." I love it!
It's midnight, and I'm exhausted! The good news is that I now have the internet at home, which opens up all kinds of possibilities. Have just placed ads in three newspapers for my gig with Wayne at Food Lover's Mkt, Claremont, this Sat 19 Dec. It will be our last one there for the year. Not sure whether we'll be there next year or not.
I'll have to do this some other time, because I really do have a lot to say, but right now I am very tired!
Had a strange encounter with someone today. The best word I can use to describe the reaction I got from this person is "underwhelmed". I know, I know, it's not a real word, but it's such a good word! I went to check something out, and met with this underwhelmed reception. Ek verstaanie! Of course I could put two and two together and come up with all kinds of theories as to what all of that was about, but all I know is: that's a bad connection for me, and not one I care to nurture. Weird. I've heard people talk about the In Crowd in certain circles in Cape Town, and today I encountered that arrogance, that snobbishness, that whothehellareyou attitude. I experience it and I walk away from it, because I don't subscribe to that rubbish. It's like people who think they're automatically better than others because of their jobs, their houses or their cars. What amazes me particularly is people whose status is elevated by virtue of a spouse's accomplishments. Funny. Random categories by which people are evaluated. Someone said to me, a few months ago: "It would be a good option for ordinary people like you." The distinction being drawn was along economic lines. Crazy, I know! But that's another story!
Need to blog a lot more about this topic, but here's a tiny review: my concert on the 6th was so cool! There were about 76 people, and it went very well. There was, of course, the odd glitch from the band, but generally it went very well. I now have a CD full of professional photos, and I also have an audio recording of the show. Got the pics last Tuesday (Lavonne Bosman rocks!!!) and the audio stuff yesterday (Andre Manuel rocks!!!).
The band: Charles Lezar (double bass), Nick Geffen (drums), Wayne Bosch (guitar) and I(voice, guitar). Right now, struggling to upload a pic. Will try again sometime. Probably next post.
I have two and a half days left of work, and then it's a 2-week break. I am tired. Happy, excited, new restlessness starting: to complete my debut CD! Can't remember when last I've been this restless. As a young lady said to me the other day, mixing two sayings: "Patience is golden." I love it!
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