Boundaries, Part 2

I had, as my focus for 2015, the slogan, “Better boundaries, better bounty”, and it’s something I need to keep working on in 2016. ‘Better boundaries’, for me, has a very broad scope, including accepting that I can’t save the world single-handedly; in the workplace, not  constantly volunteering, while others sit back and reap the benefits. In my personal life, it includes managing my time better, getting enough rest, and knowing when to stop being a martyr – because I’m also important.

But there’s one extra dimension, this year – I intend to stop humouring assholes. 

In my song, ‘Delighted’, which I composed in 2007, I wrote:

“Was raised to be polite, be nice and sweet, don’t fight

When people walked all over me, I’d smile with all my might

Held me back for long, ‘cause I couldn’t see

That I was not being me”

Different situations, over the years, have caused me to become better at standing up for myself, although I’ve always been uncomfortable in the face of injustice. At high school, I was kicked out of a musical, because I dared speak up when the director humiliated the pianist, in a rehearsal. Nothing gave him the right to speak to her the way he did, and I told him so. It turned out to be ok for him to humiliate a pupil, but a crime for me to have stood up for her. He later came to my classroom, asked my teacher if I could leave the room,  and told me, because he was All-powerful and Untouchable, that I was no longer in ‘his’ play. I cried, and was bitterly disappointed – at not being in the musical, but also that, even at such a ‘good’ school, you could get asshole teachers.

Incidentally, I’ve been in education for over 30 years, and I’ve learnt that the profession has no shortage of that type. When I hear of teachers abusing their authority, I get really angry. I believe that everyone should adhere to a common set of rules governing ethical behavior, and that accountability should be the order of the day. For as long as I can speak, I will continue to speak out against injustice and corruption, when I encounter them.

But, back to the topic of assholes. I’ve encountered them in the workplace, in the music world, and in my personal life.  In fact, one of the main reasons my social circle has shrunk, in recent years, is that my tolerance for these people has become very low – I’d rather spend a night at home, watching a movie, reading, or being on the internet, than have to put up with certain people and their backwardness.

Included in this bunch are racists, sexists, homophobes, and xenophobes. In Cape Town, where I’ve lived most of my life, there’s a high incidence of Islamophobia. You’ll find the same people who wouldn’t dare make an anti-Black comment, happily saying Islamophobic things, because they’ve been saying them all their lives, and because the people they socialize with endorse what they’re saying. I regard myself as a child of the universe, so when you bad-mouth anyone, merely because she belongs to a certain ‘ethnic’/religious group, I feel hurt.  

So what does all of this have to do with the lyrics above? I was raised to be polite, and with it came a distorted focus on not making others feel bad, no matter what they said or did. As well-intended as it was, it paved the way for all kinds of inappropriate behavior that we never spoke about, because it wasn’t polite. So, when Uncle X slipped his hand into a cousin’s halter-neck top, while ‘tickling’ her, and touched her pre-teen breast, and we told an adult about it, we were told he probably didn’t mean it that way. What message did it give us, as girls? No-one will believe you when you talk about awkward things, like wrong touches. Believe me, there are all kinds of  repercussions to raising girls (or boys, for that matter) without healthy boundaries. Trust your children, believe what they tell you, and you’ll be able to guide them through some of the more complex issues later on – because they’ll feel safe enough to return that trust, knowing you won’t judge or belittle them.

In the music world, a so-called friend will walk into a venue where you have a regular gig, smile and chat with you, then have a discussion with the manager or owner, suggesting you be fired and he be hired in your place. I’ve had at least three incidents of this nature since 2009. And no, it’s not ‘how it goes’ – I refuse to accept that. But my upbringing makes me continue being nice to these people, despite their back-stabbing tendencies.

In my personal life, the same person who put me through a vindictive, avoidable legal process last year, has the gall to suggest we meet for coffee. Why would you even think that a possibility, knowing I haven’t had a lobotomy? And anyway, isn’t coffee  something you have with friends?!  

All too often, I find myself pandering so much to people’s insecurities, that I curb my excitement about really cool things happening in my life. Why do I do that? Some of the people I’m talking about are around my age, in their fifties – when exactly are they planning to grow up? Why can’t you just be happy for me, without taking it as a personal slight? Why do I have to dilute my enthusiasm because you might feel bad? We’re not at primary school anymore.

So, in 2016, I am going to stop playing this silly game – I am going to continue being selective about whom I hang out with, because I have no time for people who just want to break others down, nor for people whose sole focus in life is material possessions and the perceived status they bring; I am going to stop trying to give egotists a soft landing everytime we have a conversation; I will not intentionally offend anyone, but I’m going to stop being apologetic around certain people. I don’t live my life in competition with ANYONE – that’s not my style. So if you think I’m sharing something with you to show you up, you need to broaden your horizons and your frame of reference. Preferably, soon. 

      My daily reminder that everything has a beginning, an end, and another beginning,....