Some thoughts on 2018

I can’t even relate to this date – the 17^th of December! Isn’t it August? Where did this year go?

I want to post an article, but I’m really sleepy, so I’m going to write a very broad overview of how this year has felt, for me.

I’m clear about one thing - everything is energy. I’ve become better at sensing energies and have learnt to trust my instincts.

2018 has, however, had one notable example of how wrong I can be. But it’s a journey, right?  

I think that life is all about ebb and flow, and I believe that we write our life stories by what we say yes to, and what we say no to. The big, visible leaps are the end products of the little decisions we make on a daily basis.

This year has also taught me that part of the ebb and flow is that people come and go.  Sometimes they leave, as a result of decisions made, but other times they leave permanently, through death.

This year our family lost our eldest relative, my mother’s older sister, Helen. She had turned 90 three weeks earlier, and we’d all gathered in celebration. Her death raised many issues for me. One of the realisations I had was that, no matter how old she is, and no matter how old you are, the death of your mother will always be devastatingly sad, profound and life-altering. A void is left that can never be filled.  An essential part of you leaves when she leaves.  

This year, on 1 August, I experienced the loss of a young person I had worked with, through sudden death in a car accident. Shakier Roberts was 25, recently married, and was ecstatic that his wife was expecting their first child.  He was one of the original members of The Delft Big Band, a trombonist, the band’s first manager, and a teacher at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy.  When I started as  the project coordinator of The Delft Big Band, in March 2016, Shakier was one of the first people I met, and he and I worked closely together for a long time. I got to know him and we developed a good relationship, built on mutual respect. His death, as well as the impact on his friends in the band, affected me profoundly.  A few days ago, on Friday, 14 Dec, his wife gave birth to a daughter - the little angel he'd loved long before she was born.

Something else that this year has reminded me is that it’s very, very important to KNOW yourself, to LIKE yourself, and to unashamedly BE yourself. I find that life as an empowered, thinking, articulate woman, can be a lonely journey, but I reckon that’s a small price to pay for sticking to your values, regardless of what everyone else around you says or does.

I have learnt to speak out against discrimination and be strong and comfortable as the only one in the group who feels that way. I’d rather say it than be assumed to be in agreement, through my silence. I always ask myself what the alternative is, and then I speak my truth.

I’ve learnt that certain people’s quest for power can turn them into strange creatures, and that you just have to be crystal clear about who you can and can’t trust. That’s all. Know your boundaries, don’t put up with shit, and know what you are prepared to be a part of and what you need to distance yourself from.

And, finally – you have to know what it is YOU need, to restore your balance, at the end of a day of working in an environment  that pulls you so far from yourself, that you fear you might forget who you  are. Know what restores your equilibrium, and claim your right to go there, to indulge in whatever it is, and to be absolutely fine with your choices.  For me, my go-to activities, for peace and tranquility, are playing my guitar, writing and reading. Also listening to music, and - of course -  dancing! 😉

Oh - one more thing: in the latter part of this year, I realised I have to make sure I make time to hang out with my friends, because life passes by so quickly, and before your know it, another year has gone. 

               View from Rhodes Memorial, a place I visited twice recently, after a few years.