For example, someone says
something quite ordinary, but then it turns out to be the last thing they ever
say – it’s hard not to ascribe extra layers of meaning to the utterance. We
yearn for meaning, for depth, for something spiritual, something beyond the
mundane. I know I do. Always have, always will.
I’ve thought a lot about writing
a book. I’ve blogged about this before. When I read about the process writers
go through, with their publishers, it all seems like homework that you have to
hand in, and I lose interest. Maybe I want everything to be easy. No it’s not
that. I enjoy writing in this style – like I’m journaling, or chatting. It's how
I write, how I record the everyday that will one day become profound - when
what could once be expressed in the present perfect can be expressed only in
the past.
Day 93 of lockdown – what does
that even mean? For a few years, I’ve had this feeling of time units being
externally imposed, and not something felt inside of me. When I wake up, all I
know is it is a new day. It could be a Tuesday or a Sunday – there’s no
difference, is there? The only difference is that Tuesday needs me to get up at
a certain time and show up for work (even under lockdown, working from home)
and Sunday means I can lie in bed as late as I like. So, yes, I’ve decided to
manage my time and my productivity, during lockdown, because the passage of
time is something I can’t control. I’m left with having to control what I can. And
if I ever thought of not compartmentalising, not separating my days into work
days and weekend days, I would be a mess – literally and figuratively. I’m
starting to understand why people struggle when they are newly retired, after
decades of working.
I’ve become increasingly aware,
under lockdown, of the importance of immersing oneself in activities that
soothe. The danger is that some of those things, done in excess, could actually
be harmful, so the idea is to find pleasurable things that are also harmless.
Obviously there are the eating and drinking versions of things that soothe, as
well as the physical activities, the creative activities, the
socialising-from-a-distance activities, the solitary activities, the feeding
one’s mind activities and the zoning out activities. There are so many
variations, I’m sure I’ve left something out.
Right now, I’m sitting in bed, in
my peejays, just finished a cup of coffee and a Jungle Oats energy bar (peanut
butter), laptop propped up on my knees, typing away to my heart’s content, with
a track by James Grace – brilliant South African guitarist – playing: Asturias
Leyenda.
My daughter commented, recently,
that I seldom listened to music. It occurred to me that I used to do most of my music
listening in the car, while driving, especially when alone. Since that
observation, I’ve made a point of listening to music while doing other activities.
I must be honest. I’d fallen into
the trap of binge watching a rather mindless series: Chicago Fire. I think I’ve
watched all 8 existing seasons once, and some seasons twice. I’m happy to
report that I’m finally over that obsession. I actually feel embarrassed that
it gripped me for so long. I’m looking for something else, now. Every evening,
after my day’s office work, household chores and dance workout are done, I
shower and settle down in my room, watch something and work on the blanket I’m
crocheting. I’m about halfway through the second lockdown blanket. That’s a
very satisfying feeling – having created something beautiful during a time like
this. Especially something functional that someone I love will use. Makes my
heart sing. 😊
James Grace now playing Granada
Serenata. Beautiful. I have never watched him perform live, and I hope to get
the opportunity to do so, after lockdown. Yes, I think I’ll start a list of
things I want to do after lockdown.
So - back to the evening ritual
of crocheting. I’ve decided that I want to listen to audio books, and ditch the
series watching. I want something that touches my soul, that takes my breath
away. I’ve started re-reading Women Who Run With The Wolves (by Clarissa
Pinkola Estes), my all-time favourite book. But I can’t crochet and read at the
same time.
James Grace now playing Cadiz
Saeta. Deep sigh….. such beautiful music, played with so much feeling.
Outside, it’s storming. There’s a
gale force wind threatening to break trees and lift roofs. Every now and then,
I hear something rattling outside, as it’s blown across the yard.
I have a small dilemma – in my
attempt to stay home and avoid social contact, I’ve started doing online
grocery shopping. I’ve got used to having my groceries delivered to my house
once a week. Well, two days ago, we realised we’d run out of our most-used
items, so we placed an order, which was accepted and scheduled for delivery
yesterday morning. However, we were later informed that our order had been
cancelled (can’t remember the reason) and we’re now about to run out of quite a
few important items. And here’s the dilemma – it’s not just Coronavirus and the
weather making me want to avoid going out to the shop myself: the shopping
centre I usually go to had an armed robbery recently, and feels like the last
place I want to be! My daughter reckons
it’s probably the safest one to go to, right now.
James Grace now playing Cavatina.
Aah!!! Sublime.
WhatsApp groups getting chatty –
I’m completely distracted.
What can I leave you with? This
has been a profound week for me. I’ll write about all of that when I’m ready.
For now – let the journey-within-a-journey simply unfold.
Can’t believe it’s Day 93 of
lockdown – something I never could have imagined. But here we are, somehow
adapting, somehow shifting, somehow reassessing, somehow reconfiguring who we
are and who we'll be, when this is over.
In a strange way, this has been
exactly what the world has needed – an enforced time of reflection.
May we learn the lessons we were
meant to.
Breathtaking sunset sky, from my kitchen window (June 2020)
No comments:
Post a Comment
You are welcome to place a comment here.