The most important question

Picture: Sunset sky, from High Level Rd, Sea Point (Oct. 2010)

Life is indeed filled with exciting possibilities. Of course it always has been, but I’ve been either too busy, too unwilling or not ready to fully appreciate it.

On Saturday, I completed my third weekly session of my 12-week life coaching programme. In my second week, I made a commitment to myself, to focus on those things (and people) in my life that give me something to look forward to. You know that wonderful feeling, when you wake up on a day on which something exciting’s going to happen? Well, I want my whole life to be like that. I want to wake up every day feeling I’ve got something to look forward to. I can’t achieve that if I’m allowing myself to be bogged down with energy-draining activities or people, so I’m consciously striving to surround myself with the kind of energy that will enable this spirit to thrive in my life. Why? Because I believe it’s all possible. In fact, I really do believe that we all know, on some level, just how amazing life could be, but we’ve been trained over the years not to expect much, to lower our expectations of life, so that we won’t be disappointed. All you need is one deeply disappointed person in your close circle, someone you spend a lot of time with, whom you’ve listened to for many years, to keep you firmly trapped in the chains of negativity, cynicism and hopelessness. It’s like trying to grow a plant without sunshine and water.

While I was doing the surveys profiling District 6 land claimants, I encountered a friend I hadn’t seen in a while – Inez Woods. She’d been living abroad for many years. In the course of our working together, I discovered that she was a life coach, that she’d had a thriving practice in Ireland, and that she was busy setting up in Cape Town. She offered me three months of life coaching, as a skills exchange, and this is the process I’m on right now. It’s like a weight loss programme with a difference – the weight I’m losing is metaphorical, as I shed layer after layer of negative energy that manifests itself as self-doubt, procrastination, self-sabotage, lethargy, blame, etc. The flipside of loss is always gain – something I often lose sight of. When you lose something, you automatically gain something else. I lost my job, but I gained time to explore possibilities.

This morning was amazing. First of all, I was exhausted last night, after having spent the whole day cleaning my house, so I had an unusually early night. Housework…… ah, what can I say…… a necessary evil. I don’t enjoy doing it, but I enjoy the feeling after it’s been done. I haven’t had a domestic worker for at least 6 years, so this is nothing new. My children return to me every second Sunday, so there’s this mad rush to get the place nice and clean before they get here. I joke that this is more like Trudy’s Guesthouse for them, but you know what - nobody can teach you how to split your life like we do, so I’m doing the best I can. The most important thing, with this shared living arrangement, is that the children feel loved in both homes. Achieve that, and the rest is just detail.

Before I dropped off to sleep last night, I did the Mind Power exercise that puts you in touch with your unconscious mind, and I asked that other realm of myself to show me, once again, the possibilities for my life. My last dream, as I woke up, was so inspiring, the perfect sign for me right now, that, after lying in bed smiling at the contents of the dream, I got up and happily started this new day, this new week, and what felt like a new phase of my life, a new beginning.

I had to get up extra early because I had to walk both of my kids somewhere, as my car is still at the mechanic’s. I got up at 5:30, and by 6:35 was walking my son to his friend’s house, a short walk from ours. There were very few cars and people about, and the air was crisp and fresh. A chilly breeze reminded me that summer was already saying goodbye, making way for autumn. By the time I got back, I’d been away from home for 35 minutes. We took a short-cut on the way, but I walked the full distance back, because it was really pleasant. Ten minutes after getting home, it was time to walk my daughter to school. This took about 20 minutes, and I picked up the pace coming back, so it ended up being another 35-minute walk. By the time I got home, it was only 7:45!

And that’s how my day started. And now, here I am, doing something I love doing, something that always energises me – writing!

Last week was exceptionally constructive. I was without my car, and ended up taking a train somewhere almost every day. On Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, I took a train to Wittebome, on Wednesday to town, and on Saturday to Claremont. Lots of walking, lots of fresh air, and I saved a lot of money in the process!

On Tuesday and Thursday, I facilitated focused discussion groups for a gay activist organisation. Very interesting subject matter, and on a personal level, very cool to be afforded the opportunity to do something so different as an income-generating activity – also known as a job! What was even nicer was being approached by one of the participants to possibly do similar work for their organisation.

On Wednesday I wrapped up some matters with my ex-employer, and that felt like progress. My best friend, Tracy, and I managed to walk thrice, which was also great.
I sorted out my gym membership, another milestone! As soon as I have my car back, I’m heading off for a much-longed-for swim. I haven’t swum this month yet!

This process of life coaching is fascinating. I have a terrible habit of coming up with great ideas, then doing nothing about them. I spend a lot of time in thought mode, but not enough in action mode, when it comes to my goals and dreams. What’s happening now is I’m being forced to focus on my goals and to implement the necessary steps that will take me closer to them. I also have a habit of wasting time, spending hours doing unimportant things, and now I check myself and I ask myself, “Is this taking me closer to my urgent goals? Could I be doing something else that would achieve that?” And then I get up and do what I know I should be doing. I get tasks to do every week, and there’s a high level of accountability with the weekly contact sessions. No place to hide!

There are certain aspects I won’t write about, but believe me, this process touches every part of my life. It’s an entire spring-clean of my life, all aspects of it. Anything that emerges as holding me back, keeping me trapped, pulling me down, retarding my progress, is part of the spring-clean. It’s liberating and frightening, at the same time, because the more layers of extraneous issues you strip away, the more of your essential self you’re left with. Getting to the point where there’s no-one to blame but yourself when you don’t reach your goals, is even more scary than undressing in the gym’s changing rooms, surrounded by mirrors and slim, well-toned 20-somethings!

But let’s get to the title of this blog post.

Every now and then, someone says something so profound, something that you take with you for the rest of your life, and often the person isn’t even aware of the far-reaching effects of his or her words. The other day, in a context quite unrelated to my life coaching sessions, someone asked me, “TRUDY, WHO'S IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE?” It came at a moment in my life when I was seeking clarity on something specific, and a better question could not have been asked of me. It was like the clouds parted, a magnificent beam of light shone down, guitars played (harps just don’t do it for me!) and I knew, without a doubt, that THAT was the question that would help me find what I was looking for.

Whenever I find myself lapsing into my old ways, that way of putting everyone’s needs above my own, relegating my own goals while I enable others to reach theirs, deferring my own gratification because I’m in martyr mode, I will ask that question.

If I ever wondered what that person’s role had actually been in my life, that question, a crucial part of my toolkit for the rest of my life, put that entire relationship into perspective.

HE asked the most important question of my life.

The truth about dhanya

It took me a long time to realise the truth about dhanya. I thought that if you planted it, you could cut some leaves whenever the plant grew and it would continue growing. I imagined a permanence that never was there, except in my imagination. I'd wanted it to be permanent, mine, standing openly and proudly in my garden, proof of my ability to nurture and sustain. What I never saw was obvious to everyone but me - dhanya doesn't work like that. It grows, it thrives, it becomes fragrant and beautiful and it reaches a point where that's all it's ever going to be - and you have to enjoy it right then. If you imagine it's going to be as beautiful, as fragrant, as filled with potential in a week's time, you're wrong. You will have missed the moment, because you didn't really see dhanya as it was, as it had always ever said it was. After it reaches its time for picking, if you don't pick it, it shrivels up and dies a little every day, until there's no trace of your ever having had a dhanya plant.

I can't blame the dhanya for how I feel now - it never lied to me. It was what it was, mine for a while, to enjoy, to appreciate. But it never intended to stay. 'Cos dhanya is just that way. It's genetically programmed for just that life cycle.

And now that I know the truth abut dhanya, I suppose I should go to the nursery and buy another tray of plants, and get it right this time. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that whole process again, though. So, until I am, I'll get my dhanya in small quantities, as I need it. Too much of an investment for such a small return.

And life goes on....

My old friend

Hello, Insomnia, my old friend
Looks like it's you 'n me again!

To blog, or not to blog?

Picture: Sandi Schultz (on the right) and I, in Belhar, a northen suburb of Cape Town, in 1992!

When I first encountered anything close to blogging, it was in 1998, when I visited my friend, Sandi Schultz, in Los Angeles. She showed me what was then her website: www.cybersass.com. I was fascinated, because my talented, creative friend had found a way to get her writing, her drawings and her opinions - in fact, any information she wanted to share - out to the whole world. I marvelled at the way she'd set it up and how she'd placed different things into sections, like a newsletter. There was a serious side to it, as well, because she'd found a way to get website info to people who'd been sexually assaulted.

More recently, she's started working on a whole website dedicated to this issue. You can look out for www.isaidno.co.za - keep checking to see when it's up and running.

And then in about Sept/Oct 2008, I did some life coaching sessions with Gopal Ramasammy-Cook (www.zestware.com), during which he asked if I'd ever thought of starting a blog, since I liked writing/journalling so much. I felt like I was in a time-warp, but I had to ask: "What's a blog?"

When I came back from my 2-week trip to Brazil in April 2009, I wrote a long letter to all my overseas friends, describing the trip in great detail. After reading it, Sandi wrote to me, saying how much she'd enjoyed it and added, "You really need to start blogging!"

I suppose I'm just one of those people who have to hear something more than once before I act! :-)

And so I Googled "blogging", found a few options, and set one up, all on my own. In fact, setting up a blog is really easy. They take you through all the steps very clearly, and you can't go wrong. There's always the Help button if you get stuck, otherwise it's fairly simple, once you get going.

I loved the absolute freedom of choice when it came to what I'd call my blog. I felt so proud when I'd set it up and there it was...... my very own creation! With my own name and my own password! Like a blank book I could fill with my words any time I wanted to. What an incredible legacy!

I must admit I was very naive when I started, because I thought my blog would be read by people I knew, but it soon became obvious that a lot more than my 10 "followers" actually read what I wrote. I'd meet friends of friends who'd say, "I always read your blog. I really liked what you wrote about...". Gulp!

I suppose in every aspect of our lives, there are times when we question whether the decision or path we took was the right one, and for me it's the same with what I blog about. In what seems like a previous life, I was told that the songs I wrote were "too personal" to sing in public, and yet when I found the courage to perform them at shows, people would come up to me and say how strongly they could relate to what I had written. I came to accept that many of us who write (whether articles, blogs, poems, books or songs) actually articulate what many others feel but can't write. I've had so many women come up to me and say, "The same thing happened to me, but I could never have put it into words like you did." The fact that my songs usually rhyme and often contain humour, makes it even more surprising that certain serious topics find their way into my music.

Recently I took a look at how far across the globe my blog was being read (I LOVE statistics!) and I had a panic attack - are my posts "too personal"? Should I be more cryptic? Should I consciously NOT wear my heart on my sleeve? When I uploaded my first-ever song on the internet, 11 days ago, I went through the same thing. You feel really exposed, really out there, open to criticism.

But I'm an artist. I write, I sing, I play my guitar. I compose music. My lyrics are raw and real, because I write as I experience life. I write as I observe life happening to people around me. Like many artists, I've fallen in and out of love so many times, I sometimes can't tell fact from fantasy. And so I write. I merge the two worlds to the extent where I sometimes dread being asked about my lyrics, because I might feel I have to answer .... and of course I'd answer truthfully.

But I'm a compulsive writer. Before I go to sleep each night, I write. I sometimes fall alseep with my pen in my hand and my journal open next to me, the last word I wrote morphing into hieroglyphics.

And so I suppose, for me, the answer to that question, "To blog or not to blog?", is crystal clear: for as long as I'm able to use my brain and hands this way, I will most definitely be blogging.

Delicious

* Fresh orange juice

* Fresh fruit salad

* A berry smoothie

* Butter chicken and basmati rice

* Thai green curry

* Seed loaf toast with smoked snoek pate, avocado and sweet chilli sauce

* Vanilla ice-cream with strawberry yoghurt!

It's up to you

Picture taken by my daughter, Summer Geffen, on the road near Constantia Nek. Sat 29/01/11.

When life sends you blessings, it's up to you to do something to bless someone else.

When someone loves you, it's up to you to either love them back, or be honest about your inability to do so, and move out of the way to give them space to find a more deserving person.

When you've stretched yourself to the max, either physically or emotionally, it's up to you to do something to restore the balance.

When you've given all you could and not achieved your desired objective, it's up to you to re-evaluate your course of action and make a new decision.

It's up to you to give yourself a second chance - or as many chances as you need - to get to that point where you feel you're living life in a way that makes sense to you, even if others don't quite get what makes you tick.

In any situation in your life, it's up to you to either accept your circumstances, or exercise your right to choose a different option - it's entirely up to you.

Funny thing

Picture: Wayne and I at Baran's Theatre Restaurant, on 6 Dec 2009, at a concert of my originals called "Music Inside of Me".

The funny thing about people's response to the song I put on the internet, a week ago, is that they all call it my "new" song. That makes me smile, because I wrote it 6 years ago, and I've been performing it live for all this time. In fact, for the past two years, working with Wayne, it's sounded pretty much like I sang it on the recording, except that, in the recording, the percussion moved (propelled) the song into the sound it was probably always meant to have.

Makes me wonder about all my other sambas and bossas - ooh, can't wait to record them with percussion too! Some of the titles are "Delighted", "I'm In A Bossanova Mood" and "My Favourite Time of Day". I also really like the lazy blues, and I have a few songs written in that style: "Joe", "Libido Blues", "Lucy" and "Purple". Interestingly enough, all of them have slighty humourous lyrics. That's just the way they came out - something about that groove that lends itself to humour.

Today I'm meeting a jazz radio presenter, and giving him a copy of the "new" song. Once it's been achieved, I'll write more. I'm VERY excited. (No!) :-)