Skygazer

I know now, after being on holiday for 11 days - and being housebound for most of that time because of the freezing weather - that I would be a far more prolific blogger if I didn't have to go to work. Haha! I still dream of being self-employed, doing what I love from my home, and making a difference in my part of the world in a way that is authentic to me. But life has situated me where I am right now, teaching English at a college. It's funny how, when I first studied at a teacher training college, in the early 1980s, the idea was to be a teacher for the rest of my life. And yet, as time went by, life sent me new opportunities and I deviated from the original plan. Many years later, after some wonderful meandering, here I am again, teaching in a government institution. It affords me an opportunity to interact on a daily basis with the youth of today and to hear where they're at. Unfortunately, it's also shown me how the education system in South Africa has failed an entire generation. And that saddens me. I want to do something to show them that life has a lot more to offer than they've been told. But more so, I want to show them that THEY have a lot more to offer than they've been told.

It's a daily mission, to live my life in a way that presents my students with an alternative way of looking at things. A gentler, way, a way that builds bridges, instead of further excluding the already-marginalised.

I'm sad that television plays such a big role in the value systems our youngsters have. Most of them want the success and the bling, without any hard work. Reality tv has promoted the idea of becoming famous for doing nothing. Singers become overnight successes because of televised competitions. While it may show that that's a possibility for some, it obscures the fact that what the majority of people do to attain success is work passionately and persistently, over a period of time, until greater skill and experience are achieved; that then leads to more opportunities coming your way and to bigger and better platforms on which to ply your craft. Not an easy lesson to teach. It's one of those lessons you have to learn by living.

What I've also realised is that the concept of success varies from individual to individual, depending on age, socio-economic background, religious convictions, family value system and so many other factors. One of the things I've had to do, over time, was to redesign my belief system, which found me re-evaluating everything I'd been raised to believe, sorting through the pre-packaged, one-size-fits-all clutter and coming up with a set of views that more accurately reflected whom I had grown into being. What success means to me now, after certain life experiences, is very different to what it would've meant had I never been retrenched, never been unemployed, never had an acrimonious divorce (yes, you do get divorces that are not acrimonious) and so many other things.

But I was actually going to write about being a skygazer. I live in a house on a little hill, where I've lived for the past 17 years. And from this hill, I have a beautiful view of the closest mountain range and the sky. I must have taken hundreds of photos of the sky from my kitchen window. What does skygazing do for me? It quietens my spirit. It makes me stop the frenetic pace of everything and just stand still and gaze. It teaches me that change is constant. It teaches me that change is natural. I've learnt, over time, to read the clouds and understand weather patterns. Sometimes, because life gets so busy during the school term, I find myself hanging washing on the line late at night. Watching the night sky is even more magical. It reminds you of your fallibility, your vulnerability. It whispers to you that, if you hang in there, tomorrow will come, and with it, a promise of a whole new set of possibilities.

In the time that my daughter's been on her adventure in Thailand, I've photographed the sky every day, so that I can show her what our favourite view looked like in her absence.

I look forward to showing that young skygazer my pictures of the sky.

Reflecting on the Thai project – No. 2: Five fundraising concerts

When I made up my mind to take on the one-year project of raising money to enable my daughter to go to Thailand with World Challenge, I knew that it would occupy my mind every single day, sitting alongside every other project or goal. Because I’m a practical person, I decided to combine as many of my goals as I could. I’m a full-time teacher and a part-time musician; my full-time job is there all the time, but I constantly have to market myself to find music work. My regular music partner had just relocated to another city, I needed to redefine myself as a musician, and I wanted to do so in a way that increased my networks and databases. The perfect solution was to put on various concerts, with different musicians, at different venues. Raising money in that way would be fun, for me, and not just hard work.

 

The first concert: 11 August 2013

Our first concert was held at Stephanian’s Sports Clubhouse, in Ottery, on a Sunday afternoon. We pre-sold tickets at R100 and were lucky to be able to sell more at the door.  We asked people to bring their own refreshments and arranged the hall with pretty tables. Friends and family pitched in to make it a very successful event. With an exciting backing band consisting of Keith Tabisher (guitar), Valentino Europa (double bass) and Roy Davids (drums), we had a line-up of young vocalists from Belhar in the first half: Ruby Truter, Courtney  Johnson and Zeta Botha. I sang a selection of originals and covers with the band in the second half – an absolute treat for me. My cousin, Derek Ronnie, was our MC. Andre Manuel did the sound and William Rose was our photographer.

The second concert: 1 December 2013

While my original idea had been to hold our second event in October, unforeseen matters derailed that plan. It’s important to keep your eye on your goal, as well as to be flexible and think on your feet when Plan A doesn’t work out. With that in mind, I adjusted the plan, and went ahead with our second fundraiser on 1 December, also on a Sunday afternoon. This time, I did a trio concert with Keith and Tino, at Baran’s Kurdish Restaurant, on Greenmarket Square, in the city centre. This time, we charged R100 again, but split the takings with the restaurant, as the ticket included a light meal. The food was great, I loved the venue with its Turkish décor, but decided that I wouldn’t repeat the ticket sharing concept, as it decreased our takings significantly. My son, Nick, was the MC, we did our own sound, and a young photographer, Lelie Hamman, took the photos.

The third concert: 21 December 2013 

If anyone had told me I’d end up doing two concerts in one month, I would’ve said, “Never!”. But that’s exactly what happened.  There were two main driving factors: one, I really wanted to have completed three events before the end of the year, and two, it was a perfect opportunity to gig with my former duo partner. When I heard that Wayne Bosch was visiting Cape Town over Christmas, I asked if he’d do a concert with me and he was very keen. We did a duo concert of mainly originals (including two of Wayne’s, played solo) - on 21 December, exactly a year after our previous performance. This was on a Saturday evening, at Erin Hall in Rondebosch. Once again, we charged R100, including refreshments after the show, but this time friends donated home-baked goods and helped with the serving, etc. Nick was once again the MC, we did our own sound, and Gregory Franz took the photos.

The fourth concert: 1 March 2014

The poor turnout at our last concert was a sobering reminder that the festive season was a risky time to put on an event. I realised that January was just as tricky, and that sometimes the festive season recovery period extended to February, so I chose the first Saturday in March for our next event. This time, the venue was Wynberg Secondary School, and the focus was on giving young musicians a platform to perform. Artists on the programme were Kai Chavda (a 10-year-old guitarist), Elton Goslett (versatile guitarist), Joe Schaffers (seasoned jazz singer) and the young band, The Dales, which did its debut performance. (The Dales, a 4-piece rock band, included my son, Nick Geffen, on drums, and featured my daughter, Summer, on vocals. A family first!) Others in the band were Ross on lead guitar, Dean on bass, and Matt on rhythm guitar. The final act was a talented group from the UCT School of Jazz, which I called The Keegan Steenkamp Ensemble. Andre Manuel did our sound, Mark Kleinschmidt was our MC and Chandre Lil’c Cee was our photographer. We collaborated with a small catering business and a close friend also donated yummy refreshments. Admission was R50, to encourage our young performers’ friends to support.

The fifth concert: 5 April 2014    

The final concert was a very special event for me – I collaborated with one of my heroes, the legendary jazz-ghoema guitarist, Errol Dyers, in a venue I’d always wanted to do a concert in, the District Six Museum Homecoming Centre. Summer and a friend, Nina, did our opening act, on vocals and ukuleles. Errol and I did the rest of the show, with a special treat for the audience in the form of a solo mini-set by Errol. I loved every moment of making music with Errol; the concert, for me, was a dream come true. We were once again in the capable hands of Andre Manuel (sound), Derek Ronnie (MC) and Gregory Franz (photos). The museum handled the refreshments. For some reason (bowing to pressure?), I charged R80 for this concert. Not only does it not make sense, in hindsight, but it was impractical finding R20 change for everyone. I suppose everything we do really is a lesson, in one form or another.  

Re-reading what I’ve just written, I can see the lessons I learnt along the way. The interesting thing about these lessons is that they empower and liberate us, so that when we embark on future ventures, we have an updated set of skills and knowledge. 

Life is cool, as long as you keep your eyes, ears, mind and heart wide open.  Right?

Reflecting on the Thai project - No.1

My daughter left for Thailand, on Monday 30 June, with ten other Grade 10 pupils from their school, one teacher and two staff members of World Challenge, the company that organized the trip. It’s called an adventure-outreach expedition, and includes a three-day hike in the jungle (Bangkok) and five days‘ community work in a situation of need. In their case, they’ll be at an orphanage. After those two components have been fulfilled, they’ll have a few days in which to visit the temples, lie on the pristine beaches, and shop! I think I’ve written quite a bit about World Challenge and what they do, so I’ll write about my own journey, instead. And what a journey it’s been. A first, for me.

Where do I start? Ok – at the beginning. World Challenge visited my daughter’s school last year and did a presentation on their 2014 Thailand trip to the Grade 9 pupils. My daughter came home very excited, and said it was something she really wanted to do. I went to the presentation for parents, a few days later, and could fully understand why she was that excited. 

We discussed it, considered the amount we’d need to raise, looked at the payment schedule, and decided that we’d take on the one-year challenge to raise the required amount of money to get her to Thailand. One of the things I like least in life is disappointing a child, especially breaking a promise. I knew this was one of those promises which, once made, I would move heaven and earth to keep. I’ve also been disappointed often enough to approach things in life with an attitude that relies 98% on myself, with just a small margin for outside help. At the time of taking on the challenge – to raise R28000 in one year – I was acutely aware that I had never done anything like it before. Never. And I knew it was going to be a journey and a half! J

At the outset, I told Summer that we had to use our existing skills and talents, as that was the most obvious way (to me) to generate an income. Basically, do what you already can. If I were someone who could cook well, I would’ve cooked and sold the food. But that’s not where my talent lies. (Believe me!) We spoke about it, and came up with a long list of different ways to raise money, as well as to publicise the fundraising drive and keep it on people’s minds all the time, but I knew that 20 good ideas on paper often translates into 2 practical, sustainable projects. And so we set about implementing two of the ideas: putting on music concerts (my area of skill) and baking cupcakes (Summer’s). The cupcake idea was short-lived, because our oven broke somewhere during the year and we didn’t have money to fix it. That was another element of the past year – we were so focused on “Getting Summer to Thailand”, that our plans and goals became divided into “Before Thailand” and “After Thailand”. Whatever broke could only be fixed after we’d achieved the trip to Thailand.

While it’s fresh in my mind, I’d like to give some advice to any parent thinking of doing the same thing:

1.   Raise more than the amount you have to pay to the organization, because there are many other costs involved, like buying the hiking and other equipment, having vaccinations and coming up with the spending money your child needs. I liked the fact that the parents had to agree on a set amount, at a meeting. This was in keeping with the overall ethos of the organisation.

2.      Establish EARLY on in the year what the costs of the individual items on the checklist are, and set up a plan to buy things throughout the year. If you leave everything till after you’ve raised the basic amount, it can incur steep costs in the last month or two – not comfortable or exciting at all, and you don’t want to spend the last few days before your child leaves in a state of anxiety.     

3.   Establish EARLY on in the year which items on the checklist you’ll be able to borrow, as that also brings some peace of mind. We were lucky enough to borrow a good rucksack and sleeping bag, as well as a few other items, thanks to generous friends.

4.      Use your networks. What I was telling my kids, just before the actual trip, was that this networking thing isn’t just about one project. It’s about living your life with compassion and generosity. Because, when it’s your turn to receive kindness, it’s right there. Our family and friends played a huge role in the realization of this trip, and I’ll never forget their kindness.

5.   Let people know that you’re putting time and effort into your project, and they’ll be more comfortable donating towards your cause. I saw, on the internet, that some kid (not part of this group) was trying to crowd-fund her entire World Challenge trip, and in the end had to drop out. The lessons World Challenge aims to teach, through these expeditions, start long before departure day. One of the biggest lessons is that YOU can make a trip like this happen, even if you’re not from a well-off family, by putting in the effort. WE did, and so can you!

Once it became clear that I’d be the only adult in the family working on and supporting the Thailand project, I had absolute clarity as to the parameters and the task at hand. I also knew that, for the next year, there’d have to be great personal sacrifice.   

I knew that there were a few areas that needed attention, and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to do justice to them all. Something I worried about was getting Summer fit enough for the three-day hike. I believe that, to prepare for anything, you have to do that same activity. However, getting onto the mountain was a bit difficult, for many reasons, so I consciously changed our lifestyle, so that daily walking, with backpacks, could become a natural part of our lives. In October 2013, an opportunity arose for me to implement this: I stopped using my car, because it was giving me too many problems and costing me a fortune to run. The result was that we started using public transport and walking a few kilometres a day, which we did right until Summer left for Thailand, seven months later. I tried to get her to join a group going up Table Mt at least once, but the hike happened when she was writing exams, and I couldn’t justify that. Some decisions are layered, and one has to make judgement calls every step of the way. It can be quite exhausting, but you just have to keep your eye on the goal. And be the parent! 

There were a few other challenges, but they all served to make the journey more significant, as MANY lessons were learnt along the way. I really hope Summer writes about her journey and what the whole thing meant to her, but I can assure you, I learnt a whole lot, mainly about myself.

I had little rules that I stuck to, for my own reasons. One of them was that, everytime we transferred the next amount of money (after a fundraising event or a big donation) to World Challenge, I made sure Summer did the transaction at the ATM. I wanted her to be directly in touch with the progress we were making. We also kept a flipfile, and put everything in it, including a record of payments and the balance. We kept records of every donation made. We wrote up endless checklists, too! This, in spite of WC giving a detailed one to everyone. In the end, I put the checklist on my phone and enjoyed deleting items as we bought the last round of things.

Early in June this year, I sold my car, and used some of that income towards the project, as well. I wanted Summer to have a good camera for the trip, but also because she’s a keen photographer (and YouTuber), and hadn’t had a camera for a few years, so my special treat to her was a brand new camera. No regrets. Everything we did, ended up being with Thailand in mind. If I were to label that kind of focus, I’d say it’s a mixture of stubbornness and determination. In Afrikaans, we say, “Jy hou dik”, which means you’re persistent. You have to be, otherwise you could mislead yourself into thinking things will just happen, and they don’t. Any goal worth achieving entails hard work.

Looking back, I know I could have done more to raise Summer’s physical fitness, but that was also an area where her initiative was required. I’m realistic about how much I can and can’t take responsibility for.

I decided, two days before she left (after we’d done the foreign exchange, on a Saturday evening!), that I was  going to stop worrying! I’m a pathological worrier, so that was a huge step for me. We had one more loose end: I’d run out of money and we needed a comfortable ride to the airport for Summer, her massive rucksack, Nick and myself. (Now, let me put this into context: I believe that, when most of your life is a struggle, and you believe that wonderful things are not only possible in your life, but that you deserve them, you have to introduce a little luxury, every now and then.) I called around and found a shuttle company that would take us to the airport at 05:45 and allow me to pay them after my salary cleared in my account, later that morning. Sorted. Yet another lesson – there’s always a way to achieve a goal. But again, it comes back to how you live your life, what kind of reputation you have, what kind of karma you leave in your wake. This company knows me, so they were prepared to accept the later payment, knowing that I was a person of my word. Nothing is insignificant. You are the sum of everything you’ve been and done before.

So here I am, super-proud of what we were able to achieve, happy that my daughter’s dream to go to Thailand has been realised, fascinated that right now she’s IN Thailand, experiencing a part of the world no-one else in her primary family has, and excited to hear all her stories and see her photos when she comes back. I’m also keen to see the long-term impact of this trip on her.

As a teacher, I believe that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end, and I’m already making plans for a thank you gathering, where we’ll invite everyone who was part of the fundraising (and ‘well-wishing’) to join us for a fun gathering, where she’ll share her pics and experiences.

Watch this space!

And now? Now I need a new project! J

My thoughts on being single this time round

I’ve been thinking. People think that writing is about being inspired. For me, writing is about having uninterrupted time and space. I’m always inspired. I observe life. I observe people. I absorb energies. I analyse everything. Everything! And I process these different stimuli in the way that I know best - with words. Like many other compulsive writers, when I’m not writing, I’m thinking about what I want to write. I go over sentences, editing spontaneously as the thoughts tumble freely from my brain, all the time craving the time and space to sit down and write, write, write. Getting to that point is the tough part, for more reasons than I’d like to admit. My son said something the other day about how even plausible-sounding reasons for why we’re not pursuing our goals can simply be well-packaged forms of procrastination. Wise young man!

Every now and then, when I chat to friends I haven’t seen for months - or even years - the topic of my being single comes up. This happened twice this week, so of course I’ve had to deal with the topic and put some words to something that’s as natural and comfortable to me as breathing – to make it comprehensible to others. It’s funny how society can have such clear expectations of how one’s life is supposed to be. A kind of blueprint.  How to be happy, in three simple steps: 1. Do what you’re told when you’re a child. 2. Do what you’re told when you’re a teenager. 3. Do what you’re told when you’re an adult. It’s even funnier how we buy into all of that for such a big part of our lives. Some people die never having sorted through the crap to arrive at their own versions of what’s right and wrong. 

I became single in October 2011, after eight and a half years. I was eight and a half years older than the last time I’d been single. My children were eight and a half years older. We had all experienced eight and a half years of life since the last time I’d been single, and life had changed significantly. We all had. But what was new was that quiet, confident feeling of “now I know”. I knew who I liked being, and I knew which version of myself I’d never be again. I knew more about relationships  - their electrifying highs and their abysmal lows – and I had an open mind about the future. You’re not likely to hear me say, “I’ll never fall in love again – men are all shits and one big waste of time”. No. Not how I feel at all. I actually like men, and I like sharing my life with someone who gets me. I like physical closeness and that powerful emotional connection that defies definition. I always think, when people say, “What does she see in him?” that only she knows. Only they know what their togetherness feels like. Why are some people so devastated when a relationship ends? It’s because it was so right for them, they liked who they were with that person – the fit was perfect. We’re too quick to judge.

So these are some of my thoughts on being single at this stage of my life. I enjoy the space I have, to do the different things that life demands of me. I often wish I had more space and time, but the truth is I could make it happen if I put my mind to it. I like the autonomy being single gives me, but I also know that when I love someone, I’m capable of changing gears and of making compromises. For me, it has a lot to do with reciprocity. Does this person do special things for me, go out of his way for me, treat me like I’m precious? I’m ok with doing things for someone, as long as I’m the recipient of his assistance in some other way. I will never allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again. I will never let anyone tell me my needs within a relationship are stupid. I’ll never ever be with someone who can’t communicate, who goes silent when you raise a difficult topic. Hey, I could write a handbook: “How to be in a relationship with someone like me”.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was happily relationshipped and we were discussing my single status. I said, “Oh, you know, I have this long list of criteria, and when I meet someone, I mentally run down the list and they always seem to end up with too few ticks.” To which she replied, “Throw away the long list; stick to the main points.” I don’t know. The list seems to be getting longer. 

I know someone who joins clubs and groups, in order to meet men. That wouldn’t work for me. I’m not that interested in working hard for it. I’ve also been advised to try the dating websites – also not interested.  I basically like my life, I have more goals than anyone could possibly achieve in one lifetime (helps to be Buddhist), and occasionally I remember that another way of being is being in a relationship.

So I basically have an open mind. Someone I was involved with a few lifetimes ago re-entered my world a few weeks ago, and I realised that, while I had changed so much, he was in exactly the same headspace he had been, all those years ago – no growth perceptible at all. The wrong fit then, and the wrong fit now. And that’s sort of where I’m at on the topic. Clarissa Pinkola Estes says in her book, “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, that it’s good to be single for three years between relationships, and she explains why. When I first became single and read that, I thought, Hell no, girlfriend! But it’s been one of the most significant and profound journeys of my life, being single this time round.  No regrets. I like who I am. I didn’t like who I had become in my last relationship. So that’s growth. And growth takes time. And patience.

So, how’s this for a marketing campaign:

If you are a single male (no skeletons in the closet, leaning against the door, waiting to fall out), more or less in your 50s – I wanted to say at least 30, but that’s too much hard work! – and, oh I don’t know, have your own life and aren’t interested in smothering anyone, are a non-smoker and preferably a non-drinker (basically, you mustn’t need to drink to have fun), you have integrity, you have a sense of humour, you understand that some people will always need space, you’re attracted to nature, you love music (I’m sorry, but I might have to be more definitive, here J), you’re happy with who you are and you believe that life is filled with possibility, that one is never too old to reach for dreams, and that life has to be lived, lived, lived…… you let me know.  You never know. I might just share the rest of the checklist with you. ;-)

Oh, and it would help if you lived in Cape Town. J  

But then again, not necessarily.